An Earl’s Broken Heart by Ella Edon
Chapter Nine
It had been dangerous for Isabel to leave the room the way she did, but she had done it because she could not hold herself anymore. Seeing Alexander speaking so keenly to Miss Hopkins had not gone well with her.
When she had glanced about the room, it had seemed as though every single woman of maturity had their hungry eyes on Alexander. She knew that other women would want him –how could they not? And she knew it was not impossible that one would catch his eye. Miss Hopkins was certainly a fitting candidate. The woman was inarguably pretty with a peerless countenance and shapely form. They had been conversing as though she knew him well enough, and Isabel doubted that. For one reason or another, the thought that anyone else might know Alexander more than she did made her feel uncomfortable. The memories of him smiling and laughing with her flooded her, every word coming back to her, and in the moments when he stood with Miss Hopkins, Isabel imagined that that was her. She imagined that she and Alexander were still together, mayhap married now. That particular imagination had come to her mind countless times. During the first year of her marriage, it had come up a lot. It had filled her head so that the only person she saw when she closed her eyes was Alexander. The years when Lord Barnes began to abuse her, Isabel and sought comfort in the beautiful past she had shared with Alexander. But it did not take long for everything to become unbearable and painful. Even the memories of Alexander began to hurt her. She began to feel his absence and missing her old relationship made her feel the extent of what she had been missing out on. It became easier for her to just accept that her life had changed, and eternal happiness was not for her.
After her decision that she would make peace with Alexander, she had been looking for an opportunity to speak to him. Ever since he walked into the party, he was always surrounded. She had felt a deep relief when he walked out of the room, and she decided to follow him. Isabel did not know where her courage came from, but she was glad that it came anyway. It pushed her to finally face Alexander.
"What do you wish to discuss?" Alexander questioned with a nonchalant expression as she shut the door behind her.
Isabel was unable to answer him immediately. Her heart was thudding. She was in the same room, alone with Alexander after seven years. This reminded her of the wine cellar.
With the way Alexander stared at her, his blue eyes clouded and his tongue running across his lower lip, Isabel knew that he was thinking about it, too. He was closer to her than he had been in seven years. A part of her wanted to cry and hold on to him. A part of her wanted to relive those moments that they had shared. A part of her seemed to want him again. Silence took over, leaving them to simply stare at each other, not saying a word. Isabel knew that her thoughts were ridiculous. All she needed to do was apologize, just as she had planned. So, she cleared her throat and broke the silence.
"Alexander, I am sorry about everything. I... I never meant for things to turn out the way it did. I apologize for not being able to go through with our plan to run away,” she began tenderly.
"I know that this has occurred so long ago, but I do want your forgiveness," she said, but she was soon short of words again. She did not know how to further express her deep regret for not going to see him as planned. Had she not been held back by her father, they would have been wed and... probably been away in another country with children.
"Do not pretend to care about a relationship that you saw no future in," Alexander said bitterly.
Isabel had not expected that he would forgive her so easily and then all would be well, but she certainly had expected that he would be considerate and see that she meant every word that she had uttered. "Alexander,” she whispered. "How could you say that to me? How can you question the way I felt for you? Our whole connection and relationship?"
"You've left me no choice,” he snapped. He pulled his hand through his hair and raised the other up in frustration. "You never came to meet me. And I have spent years wondering what ever had gone wrong, but I am done doing that! I do not care what happened. All of this is in the past!"
Isabel had a lot that she wanted to ask, to know, and to tell, but Alexander was acting vicious towards her. His feelings were beyond hate. There was no space for her at all. His anger for her had driven her to the deepest part of his heart. She could feel her tears gathering to her eyes. To know that he never forgave her for the past was entirely different from seeing it face to face. Since she had known Alexander, she had never seen him so angry, so willing to let someone know how much anger he felt.
"It is not in the past, Alexander. I want us to talk about it so we can truly move on," she cried. "I feel a great burden every day, knowing that you are angry with me. Knowing that you have not forgiven me for what transpired."
Alexander stared at her for a while before releasing short laughter of mockery. Isabel's heart skipped even before he began talking again. "You wish for us to talk about how you could not fight for us. How you gave up on our love and how you never saw a future with me in the first place?"
Isabel shook her head to protest but Alexander went on. "You wish for me to pretend like the last years never happened? Because of you, I swore my life to the army. I swore off marriage and love. Yet you lived happily. You were wed. You found love again, and with surprising speed, given our deep connection, as you propose it. The worst thing about this entire situation is the fact that you were able to move on so rapidly. But I feel stuck to the past, unable to get past the burden that I feel. Tell me now, Isabel, is that what you wish to talk about?"
By the time Alexander was done talking, Isabel was angry. He kept on pointing fingers at her, saying that she did not love him and did not believe in them, but that was untrue. And how dare he assume that she had led a happy life? How dare he think that her life had gone smoothly since he last saw her? Just because she had been wed did not mean that she had been happy!
"I know that I wronged you. I am so sorry Alexander. I wish that things had gone differently, but nothing could have been done. Every day I hoped that your life had gone well, and I hoped that you had a good life and that–” Isabel was cautious of what she was saying because she did not want Alexander to know that her husband had been a terrible man and then think that she was only apologizing because she had not been happy in the past years. She cleared her throat and went on.
“I am truly sorry that I had made our plan fall through.” She was panting after she spoke. A relief coursed through her that she had been able to say that, that she had apologized.
She had never had an apology from her late husband. She could never apologize to him either, for not loving him as much as she loved Alexander – but she could celebrate her self-esteem in full now.
Alexander took a step towards her. She looked at him and saw that those beautiful blue eyes he had were intensely staring at her. She saw that his lips twitched, that his lips parted, and that her body reacted to all of the things that she had noticed.
"Isabel...” he whispered. His voice came off as husky and needy. She remembered that tone. The tone in which he called her name. She recalled that it had led her into his arms many a time so that her nagging want for him would be calmed. On impulse, no longer fully in control of what she was feeling, she took a step forward. Alexander's hand went around her waist and gripped her firmly. She wished that her skin had been bare so that she would feel his palm against her. A sigh escaped her parted lips as she looked up. Alexander tilted his head towards her slowly and when she felt his breath on her lips, her eyes closed instantly. A surge ran through her, making her body yearn for him. His lips met hers soon enough and she felt bliss.
Contrary to her anticipation, the kiss did not begin slowly. It kicked off with a speed that had her breathing quickly. Her emotions, mixed with her hunger for real passion, drove her to kiss Alexander as fiercely as he was kissing her. She had not been kissed that way in a long time. Never had she even been touched with the tenderness that Alexander touched her with at that very moment. His hands left her waist and rode up to her breasts, and he pressed his hands around them while their tongues collided. For a long time, Isabel had felt as though she had not known what real pleasure felt like, but Alexander was igniting that fire in her. Her hands moved from his neck to touch his hair, caress his face, and just feel him. It was as though she could not get enough of him.
She was still swirling in the wonderful emotion that the kiss brought about when the door burst open. Isabel was too slow to move away from Alexander, but something odd happened. Déjà vu from the moment seven years ago, memories coming to the forefront fo her mind. Alexander pulled her behind him whilst he stood in front of her, shielding her from the prying eyes of whoever was at the door. Although Isabel was supposed to be panicked by getting caught, her mind went back to the wine cellar. The same way Alexander had protected her then, he was doing it again now.
"Dear me,” a feminine voice gasped. Isabel recognized the voice as Lady Greyweather.
"Lord Carter." Came the strained voice of Miss Hopkins. "I came looking for you,” she said.
Alexander let out a sharp breath. "Miss Hopkins...” he said nothing anymore.
Isabel's heart began to thud then. She knew she had already been seen before Alexander shielded her. She felt ashamed and her face reddened. Worst was that she knew what was going to happen after the Ladies walked away.
"Oh, dear...” whispered Lady Greyweather again. "This is quite... stunning."
"We must leave." Miss Hopkins said before Isabel heard the clump of shoes walking away. Another one followed and then Isabel knew that they were gone. She stayed frozen for a while and so did Alexander, but he did not stay quiet for too long. He soon turned to face her, and his expression was not at all what Isabel had expected. He was furious.
"You always ruin everything,” he said, his eyes on her.
Isabel flinched when his words hit her. She was quick to react because after what they had just shared, she expected that he would at least no longer be angry at her. It was apparent that they still had lingering feelings. Just as she had a place in her heart where he would always be, she surely had a place in his heart. Did she not? Was that not why he had kissed her?
"Everything is ruined now, Isabel. Everything. Why can't you let me be?” he asked, pulling his hand through his hair.
Isabel was speechless. He was blaming her for it all. He was accusing her of causing the situation they were in now. Of course, it was right for him to panic because Margaret was a gossiper and she would waste no time in spreading the word about what she had seen. Isabel would be ruined, and Alexander would be branded a rake. It, however, would not affect them so much, as she had no intention of remarrying, and rakes of fortune were often forgiven. He would still be able to wed when the time came. It was her life that was on the line, her reputation.
Isabel began to panic as she realized the extent to which she might be rejected by the Ton. Her self-proclaimed spinsterhood was one thing, but to be ruined was really a scandal she could not afford if she meant to remain independent. She knew the consequences of what had just happened. She would be rejected by the Ton, she would be unsupported as an independent woman,and she would never be able to find a husband if she wished to be wed again. Her life would be worse than it already was. She could already imagine being mocked by the ladies. It would be unbearable. Thinking about all of that made her eyes water, her legs pushed her backwards, and she found herself hitting a shelf. Alexander snapped his gaze to her. His infuriated expression faded and worry crossed over. He stared at her for a little while but soon his expression hardened again.
Isabel began to shake her head. She knew what he was thinking. She knew that his hate would drive him to leave her, to have her name soiled. Isabel's tears began to fall, although she tried to hold herself, to protect herself from crying and appearing weak before Alexander, her emotions had a mind of its own. It overwhelmed her and soon she began pleading with Alexander.
"I am so sorry. I should never have brought you here. This is all my fault." Isabel sobbed.
Alexander’s his gaze still cold. He nodded. "It indeed is."
Isabel's heart skipped at his detached tone and his very cold response. She knew right then and there that the ruination that the rumors would bring to her life was her punishment for not fighting enough for him.