An Earl’s Broken Heart by Ella Edon
Chapter Twenty-One
For Alexander, lying about how he truly felt was the only way he could get rid of Isabel from his heart and from his life. He wanted her to stay as far away from him as possible. He wanted nothing to do with her anymore. And although what his mind wanted was the exact opposite of what his heart wanted, Alexander had chosen his mind. It was palpable that his heart had led him to hurt many a time and he did not want to let that happen again.
When he had left Michael's home, his plan was to get a change of clothes and either head back or find a way to stay as far away from Isabel as possible but that had not been the case when she'd held him. His insides had melted so quickly, and his resolve had disappeared.
Alexander had not kissed Isabel because he was tipsy, or so he told himself. He had done so because she looked so beautiful when those flame lights by the walls illuminated her face. Her lips her been perked, ready to be devoured. Her blonde hair shone so brightly that all he wanted to do was touch it. And her skin, such beautiful skin that reminded him of the morning sun, shining and scenting of lavender, captured and levitated him. He did not feel like he was in that staircase anymore. He felt as though he had fallen into a fantasy with the woman of his dreams and that was why he had kissed her.
Without making any effort, Isabel did things to him that he could not explain. And when she walked out that way with hurt in her eyes, he knew that it might be their breaking point. He felt a need to call out to her, but he was unable to. Stillness took over him and he found himself neither able to speak nor able to run after her.
Alexander suddenly did not feel so angry at her; he felt only anguish and pain because he realized that he loved her. So instead of running after her, he faced the wall and rested his head against it. This caused him to stay there for a while, thinking about what he had done.
That night, Alexander did not have peace of mind. A part of him wanted to go to Isabel but another part of him felt restrained. He could barely sleep because his mind kept drifting to what had happened. A part of him wanted Isabel to walk up to him and make her promise that she would never leave him no matter how many times he'd push her away, but he knew how selfish that sounded and he knew it was a farfetched wish because he'd pushed her past her limit that day.
However, he wondered if it was valid that he was feeling guilty. He had not been the one to not keep to their promise, rather she was. He had been so faithful and hopeful about their future together until she crushed it. These thoughts ran all through his head before he was finally able to fall asleep.
When he awoke the following morning, he could not bear staying for breakfast and seating with Isabel, so he left as soon as possible. He visited Michael in his office at Bond Street and Michael was pleased to see that he was better.
"We must begin to handle the debts,” Alexander said rapidly, before Michael could say anything about the previous day and the state he had seen him in. Alexander wanted no reminder of that day.
After sending Alexander a long look, Michael did not mention anything about his drunkenness, and Alexander was relieved. He rather delved into the conversation about his debts.
"You must come in contact with Lord Lichfield; however, your debts have begun being settled. Gradually but assuredly. Hopefully, we shall be done by the in nearly a fortnight. The records have to be rechecked, so we miss nothing out."
"I am relieved to hear this," Alexander said, smiling a tad.
Michael tilted his head to the side. "I have not seen you smile in days now. "
Alexander sighed. "It has been a rough few days."
He bore a solemn look. Michael then asked him what the problem was.
"I know that I had refused to question what the problem was and that was because you have a tendency to keep to yourself. But now I do think that you are in dire need of an advice."
Alexander sat up. He was indeed in need of advice. Everything that had happened the day before bothered him and he felt a contraction in his chest. He sat up then and eagerly told Michael briefly what had occurred upon his return to the manor a day before.
"How had you felt when she expressed that she would be no bother to you any longer?" Michael questioned.
"It hurt me to hear that." Alexander admitted solemnly. Albeit he had not known when he had uttered that, so after realizing what had happened, he was quick to say more, to conceal his previous statement. "But perhaps it is for the best that she feels this way. This way we can live our separate lives without the need for pretense and unnecessary pleasantries and conversations. There many such marriages in England."
A chuckle escaped Michael's lips. Alexander wondered what was amusing that would cause his friend to laugh.
"You must pardon my manners." Michael said, still chuckling. "But within three seconds, you made a self-contradiction that I am certain you were unaware of."
A frown crossed Alexander's face. "What do you mean?"
"It is more than palpable, even to one who is blind, that you are greatly in love with Isabel. But your stubbornness has not let you see through it,” Michael said seriously. "And my advice is that you let the past go. If you see a future with Isabel, you must grab it at once before you lose her forever."
Alexander swallowed at Michael's words but chose to Ignore him. He rose and announced that he wished to go home.
"Alright then," Michael said.
"I shall check back to see progress."
"Indeed. But before that, you must secure that alliance with the Earl. Once we are done with the debts, we must begin to make investments and his influence will be needed for that."
Each time he recalled that he would need him on the long run, anger flooded him all over again.
"I shall see to it," he said and turned away from Michael. He headed home immediately. He was quite exhausted when he returned but as Michael had said, he needed to keep track of the records and certain that while debts are being paid, no stone should be left unturned.
As he was walking past the drawing room, he heard voices. Brows creased, he paused. Then his heart skipped when he heard a sob. He walked towards the door and stood there, eager to eavesdrop and know what the problem was.
"Don't cry, Isabel, please."
He heard Elizabeth's voice. His nerves calmed a little, but not fully because he wished to know the reason why Isabel was being consoled. In spite of how uncaring he wanted to appear, the part of him that did not move an inch from that spot when he heard her sob wanted to walk in there and hold her close. She was his Isabel, his wife, his first love.
"Alexander's behavior last night, he reminds me of Phillip. I don’t know if my heart can handle going through something like that again," she sobbed.
He did not like the sound of that so he waited to hear more. "Phillip was often drunk and would grip me too tightly while he talked. He would get into rages and endless rants of condescending words towards me. Alexander was not so cruel, but what if this is just the beginning? I was terrified of him, of Phillip, or history repeating again! I cannot do this again, I cannot face the prospect that I shall end up living the same life that I wished to escape for so long."
Alexander inhaled sharply. He had never known that Isabel had been through something like this.
"You know how I feel for Alexander, how often it was the memory of that love that kept me going—I have deep shame for what happened many years ago. I wish I had fought harder for him then. But now I do not… I don’t know…" Isabel sobbed again. "I do not think that he is the same Alexander that I knew before, the one I fell in love with. He has changed now and doesn't care much for me at all.” She paused and seemed to collect herself, her next speech was calmer and more determined. “I would be comfortable now, if we lived separate lives, it seems that must be the best way for us, but not if he begins to behave just as Phillip did. That would ruin me again."
Elizabeth reassured her sister. “You need to leave the house more often to take your mind off of things. A small group of us will be going to the theatre later this week, you must come. You should come to visit us more often too, we can go riding, it can take your mind away from Alexander and this fraught time. Perhaps it is too soon to despair, things may still come right, and he might still will remember he loves you.”
While Elizabeth was assuring Isabel that he was nothing like the late Viscount, Alexander himself fell into a self-made hole in his mind. He was unable to believe that Isabel's first marriage had not been the success everyone had meant it to be. For all the years he had spent being angry at her, she had been unhappy and tortured. She had been wed to an absolute failure of a gentleman and his behavior had been a replicate of that. Alexander allowed himself to feel ashamed of what he had done, of how he had been treating her. He should have handled matters much more differently than he had. He should have just spoken to her. The discovery hit him so hard that he moved back twice, unable to believe that he himself had been such a horrible person to Isabel.
He turned away from the drawing room, feeling that he had heard enough. Hearing any more would hurt him and perhaps make him break his resolve. He was not ready to do that. He did, however, wish that he had met that damned man who had put Isabel through all of this. How could one person be so horrible? How could a person emotionally abuse a Lady?
Imagining what Isabel had been through would only break his heart and he did not want that. To think of all the things she must have endured over the years worried him. He would have been a better and more loving man to her. They would have had beautiful children and they would have lived a love so much greater than she knew. Regret embraced Alexander. He felt the need to push his fist against the wall, to punch something hard that could fully feel his anger.
While the anger still sizzled over his being, he walked into the study and shut the door, pacing up and down before he finally settled into a seat and bowed his head. He truly wished that he could do something to make Isabel stop feeling such a pain.
He, however, did not. He held himself in there until his anger settled and pride did not let him leave there to go and talk to Isabel. Rather, he occupied himself with work and when he was done, the dressing bell for dinner rung. Although Alexander planned on fully avoiding Isabel, he wanted to be sure that she was alright so he decided to be present at dinner. He hurriedly packed up the records and kept them properly before walking out of the study and heading to the dining room. When he walked in, he saw that Isabel was seated there. She gazed upon him most strangely as he made his way to a seat but did not utter a word.
She looked so alluring, a sight to behold. Her bright hair was curled and kept simply, left mostly to fall across her shoulders softly. Her blue dress served as a compliment to her light skin. If there was anything Alexander was not confused about, it was that his wife was a beautiful and attractive woman. He hid a smile as the thoughts crossed his mind. He recalled days when he'd compared her to the sun after reading poetry's that elevated his mood. He would write about her with eagerness and coupled with a flower, he would find a way to get it across to her. It had been so long since he had felt so giddy about anything. Isabel had once been his light. Even after he felt that he had lost everything, he always felt that he had her to show him how he would find his way again and she did. She showered him with love and care and encouraged him, telling him that he had the brightest future ahead.
He wondered now if she thought that this was that future, or had she attributed him so much to her late husband that before her eyes he no longer had value? Alexander was quite bothered about this. He ended up not eating his meal at all.
The screech of the chair called his attention. He looked up and saw Isabel rising. He stood up on instinct and cleared his throat. Isabel stood there, her brown eyes staring back at him. She was so lovely, but he noticed her sad eyes.
What had he done? He was too frozen to make any move at all so he did not. He simply relaxed back into the seat to appear nonchalant. He did not look back up at her, but he heard her walking away and his heart shattered into a million pieces.