Blood & Bones: Ozzy by Jeanne St. James

Chapter Twenty-One

Ozzy satat the table half-listening.

He didn’t want to be there.

In The Barn.

At this fucking executive meeting.

In Manning Grove.

Worse, he was tired as fuck that his brothers were walking on eggshells around him. It was so fucking obvious since they’d never done that before. They’d never refrained from busting his damn balls.

Not even after Liz left.

But he was sure his dark and stormy mood didn’t help.

Or that his arms were crossed over his chest as he leaned back in his chair, and didn’t hide the fact that he didn’t give a fucking shit about anything going on in that meeting.

Right now, he only cared about one goddamn thing.

One fucking person.

The woman who packed her Lexus with her shit, and drove the fuck away while he still stood on that damn deck. Feeling like a helpless motherfucker.

And he let her.

Just let her fucking go.

The umbrella he bought her went somewhere, too. It was sent flying over the railing. So did all four chairs, followed by the goddamn table.

All of it crashed to the pavement one story below, bringing Marilyn, one of the front desk clerks, running out back to see what the noise was about. Once she spotted the pile of trashed furniture, her eyes had lifted to him, widened and she ran back inside.

The gavel cracking against the table made him jump.

“You with us, brother?”

Ozzy twisted his head toward the head of the table, where the president always sat.

“This shit’s important. Pay the fuck attention,” Trip ordered.

“Actin’ like you don’t wanna be here,” Judge grumbled with a frown.

No shit.

Judge leaned toward him across the table. “You got somethin’ better to do?”

Of course he fucking didn’t. Shay was gone. He had nothing to fucking do.

Except be a miserable motherfucker.

Especially since it had been two weeks of her ignoring his phone calls and texts.

She probably had blocked his damn number.

“Nope. Carry on.”

Trip snorted. “Thanks for your fuckin’ permission.” He glanced around the table, shaking his head. “The Great Oz said we could carry on, so let’s carry the fuck on.”

He should just resign right that minute as club secretary. Give it up. Give up the club. Give up managing the motel.

Hit the damn road and not stop riding until he had no choice but to stop.

“All right, now everyone’s awake and present, go on, Sig,” Trip instructed the VP.

Sig shot Ozzy an annoyed look first, then began to speak, “As we all fuckin’ know, Castle and Scar recently started takin’ turns headin’ up the mountain again since the feds cleared out. Also, as we all know already, the moonshine stills are gone. Meth lab’s gone. The shed those hillbilly goat fuckers used to reload ammo was cleaned out. Anythin’ illegal they were doin’, the feds confiscated or destroyed it.”

“Not surprisin’,” Cage said. “They ain’t as stupid as we think. They’d dealt with these sovereign nation militia wannabes before. The government pigs know those fuckers ain’t gonna just walk away from what they claim’s theirs.”

“Yeah, we knew they weren’t just gonna be hauled off that mountain and not try to go back and reclaim it,” Trip said. “They consider Hillbilly Hill their ‘country’ and their leader the King of the Clan.”

Sort of like how Trip considered himself to be king of their club.

Funny as fuck how that shit worked.

“Right. Backwards backwoods motherfuckers.” One side of Sig’s lip pulled up in a sneer and his dark eyes became hard. “Shoulda burnt that mountain down when we had the chance.”

“Yeah, okay,” Trip said dryly with a shake of his head. “Anyway… Keep goin’. Don’t got all fuckin’ night.”

For fuck’s sake, Ozzy didn’t want to fucking sit there all night, either. He wanted to go downstairs and get shit-faced. Not talk about those inbred Shirleys.

“Anyway, they were up there and the last coupla nights they saw signs that the goat fuckers are returnin’ to their compound even though the county, or who the fuck ever, slapped those orange condemned stickers on every damn buildin’ that still stands.”

“That don’t mean shit to them,” Deacon said. “We all saw how those buildings were built. Ain’t none of those dumb fucks any kind of structural engineer. Hell, they probably don’t even know their fuckin’ ABCs.”

“Don’t think Scar does, either. Got no fuckin’ clue how he read those orange stickers in the first place,” Cage huffed. “Probably stood there scratchin’ his fuckin’ nuts as he sounded out each fuckin’ syllable.”

“Syllable?” Judge asked. “How d’you know such a big fuckin’ word? My sister teachin’ you a thing or two?”

Cage shot the club’s sergeant at arms a wicked smile and added a wink. “Yeah, she’s teachin’ me somethin’ all right.”

One of Judge’s eyebrows rose as he stared at Cage down the table.

Trip slammed the gavel on the table again. “Christ, it’s like fuckin’ herdin’ stray cats! Keep fuckin’ goin’, brother. Ignore these assholes.”

Sig scraped a hand down his beard. “Yeah, well... Last night Castle was just about to head back down the mountain when he heard a vehicle comin’ up the lane. Said he saw one of those fifteen-passenger vans they like to drive. He hid behind some cover to watch and six goat fuckers got out. No breeders, no snot monkeys. He wasn’t close enough to hear what any of those backwoods bumpkins were sayin’, but he did see them inspectin’ some of the structures in the main clearin’. Pointin’ at shit and havin’ conversation. Probably about what needed to be done to get it ready to bring in more men and their women.”

“You mean their sister-aunts,” Deacon said with a snort.

“There to reclaim what they think is theirs,” Ozzy muttered under his breath.

“Maybe Jet needs to drop a fuckin’ dime on those motherfuckers to her pig family,” Cage suggested. “Get them to notify the feds about what’s goin’ down. The feds cleaned up that mess once—”

“Since when does the Fury work with the pigs?” Ozzy grumbled, cutting him off.

“Since we got kids and ol’ ladies. You know, fuckin’ family,” Judge barked. “We got women and children to protect. My ol’ lady’s pregnant. So’s Reese and Stella. None of us want to risk any of them. You got me? If we gotta snitch on those motherfuckers, then we fuckin’ snitch.”

“Ain’t snitchin’,” Trip said. “More like givin’ them a helpful tip like the good citizens we are.”

Ozzy grunted and shook his head. “No reason for us not to handle them ourselves.” Right now, he’d love to take some of those fuckers out. Maybe it would relieve some of his goddamn frustration.

“You got nothin’ or nobody to lose, asshole,” Sig growled.

For fuck’s sake, he didn’t need to be reminded that he’d lost everyone who’d ever mattered.

He surged to his feet and shoved his chair backward with a loud scrape. “Fuck this shit.”

“Sit the fuck down, Oz,” Trip ordered, but Ozzy didn’t stop.

Fuck this. Fuck them.

Fuck everyone.

“Ozzy! Get the fuck back here. We ain’t done,” Trip yelled as Ozzy ripped open the door to the stairway.

“You might not be, but I am. I’m fuckin’ done.” He slammed the door behind him and jogged down the steps.

He needed a shot. Or two.

Or a whole goddamn bottle.

Whatever would numb his fucking brain and make him forget. Enough to make him pass the fuck out. Then maybe when he woke up tomorrow morning, it would be easier.

Every day should be getting easier.

It should be.

It wasn’t.

It was getting worse. The ache in his chest grew more every fucking day until now it was trying to smother him.

As soon as his boots hit the main floor, his gaze landed on someone he was not thrilled to see.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” he muttered as he crossed the floor.

Fuck this place.

Instead of heading toward the bar, he strode toward the front door.

He wouldn’t be able to drink himself into oblivion with Crash hanging out in The Barn playing pool with Easy.

Getting smashed with Crash around was not smart. The men still sitting upstairs would not be happy if he got into a brawl with the Dirty Angel. All because he got his ass drunk and took his anger out on that motherfucker.

Even though he now knew Liz had never been the one, Ozzy still owed the man a good beat-down for stealing Liz right out from under him. Just for the principle alone.

“Yo!” Easy called out.

Ozzy ignored his brother and lengthened his stride. He couldn’t get the fuck out of the Fury clubhouse fast enough.

“Yo, Oz!” Easy called again. “Is the meetin’ over?”

For him, it sure fucking was.

He shoved open the door and stepped out into the late September night. He paused, tipped his head back, closed his eyes and filled his lungs. He held his breath until his lungs screamed, then blew it out.

He was as tightly wound as a spring about to snap.

He dug inside his cut for his Zippo and tin. Pulling out a hand-rolled, he tucked it between his lips and lit it. After sucking the tobacco smoke deep into his lungs, he opened his mouth and slowly let it roll out, watching the smoke rise into the dark.

He headed over to his sled that was parked out front, perched his ass against the seat with his legs extended out in front of him and decided to finish his cigarette while he contemplated his next move.

Him walking out of that meeting wasn’t going to sit well with Trip. Hell, it wouldn’t sit well with any of them.

But right now, he didn’t give a fuck. About anything.

Footsteps on the stones coming from the direction of the farmhouse had him twisting his head toward the sound and he groaned when he saw who was approaching.

“Lookin’ for your man?”

Liz’s steps faltered and she stopped. “No. I know where he is.” With a resigned sigh, she continued toward the entrance to The Barn.

“Liz!” he shouted, stopping her.

She paused and glanced back over her shoulder. Her face did not show any kind of happy.

He didn’t blame her. He’d been a dick. To her. To her new man.

That shit had kind of stung. But it had been nothing like the deep fucking pain he was suffering through right now. That was invading his every waking second.

“Get it now.”

He was surprised when she turned and came over to him. “What do you get?” She sounded annoyed and, with her hands on her hips, she tipped her head to the side, waiting for his answer.

“This thing between you and him.”

“Him… Do you mean Crash?”

He took another long drag on his hand-rolled. “Gonna make me work for it?”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Yes, Ozzy, I am. Do you blame me?”

“Fuck no.”

She dropped her arms, a soft smile crossed her face and her whole defensive demeanor disappeared. She must have thought he’d been spoiling for a fight.

He was, but not with her.

“I’m glad you get it.” Her smile widened as she stepped between his extended legs and pressed her hand to his gut.

He was surprised as fuck when her touch didn’t do the same as Shay’s did to him.

“It also proves we weren’t meant to be, Oz. I knew it. You did, too. You just didn’t like the idea of losing.”

“Thought you belonged to me. Realize now you didn’t and never did.”

“Is that because of Shay?”

Ozzy nodded and took another drag on his hand-rolled. He blew the smoke up and away from her.

“You finally found the one.” She poked him gently in the chest. When he didn’t confirm that, Liz continued. “And when I say the one, I mean the one that makes your heart flutter when you see her. The one that makes you feel fortunate as hell to wake up next to her. The one you would do anything for. Even die.”

Yeah. All of that.

Fuck.

“And if she left, it wouldn’t just sting, it would cut you off at the knees.”

Now he was fucking sorry he called out to her. He didn’t need Liz to spell out what he was feeling.

Even though all of what she said was true.

It hurt when Liz left him. When Shay left, it destroyed him.

He no longer felt whole. A piece of him was now missing.

How the fuck did he let that happen?

“So, Ozzy…” Even though it was dark out, the large halogen light on the front of The Barn gave her eyes a gleam. “You’re in love with her, huh?”

He turned his head and scratched at his ear, not wanting to admit it. Because if that truth was out there, out in the universe, then he’d have to admit the truth to himself.

But, yeah, he now knew the difference between loving someone and being in love. Loving someone was easy, being in love…

Made him much more vulnerable.

“You gettin’ off on this shit? You happy ‘cause this karma bitch has sunk her teeth into my fuckin’ ass?”

Liz pressed her lips together and stared at him for a second. She eventually shook her head. “No. No matter what you think, I love you, Ozzy. Not in the same way I love Crash and not in the same way you now love Shay. Even so, I only want the best for you. I don’t want to see you hurting like this. And, truthfully, I like her. Do I think she’s the right one for you?” She shrugged. “I don’t know. Will she make you a better person? I don’t know that answer, either. But I do know you better than anyone else and she’s the last person I would have ever seen you finally falling for. She’s sweet, gentle and, even though she’s older than me, I can tell she still has an innocence about her that you could easily crush if you’re not careful.” Liz shook her head. “But—and this is a big but—I also know we can’t help who we fall in love with.”

“Didn’t say I was in love with her.”

Liz leaned in closer and patted his chest, her wide smile brighter than the damn moon. “You didn’t have to.”

All the breath escaped him. He quickly filled his lungs with another draw on his cigarette to hide his growing panic. “It that obvious?”

She gave him another soft, but knowing, smile. “Yes.”

Fuck.

If he was going to talk about what happened with Shay to anyone, if anyone might be able to help him, it would be Liz.

She was so damn right. No one else knew him better.

That was one reason why she never asked for or expected him to claim her. Because she knew he never would.

He flicked what was left of the hand-rolled out into the dark and raked his fingers through his hair. “Don’t know what the fuck to do, Liz.”

“You know what to do. You don’t need me to tell you.”

He shook his head. “It’s too late. I fucked up.” He fucked up before he even knew that he was fucking up. How could he fix something that happened before he ever met Shay? How could he make it right?

He couldn’t.

And even if he could… He wasn’t sure he’d ever take back what he did.

“It’s never too late, Oz. Never.”

“She’ll never forgive me for what I did. So, yeah, it’s too late.”

Liz stepped back, giving them some space. A frown furrowed her brow. “What did you do?”

Nobody knew. No one except for him, Ham and now Shay.

If he hadn’t told Shay, that secret would’ve went with him to his grave.

He wasn’t sure if he should spill it to Liz but he trusted her.

He always had. Always would.

“What I’m gonna tell you stays between you and me, Liz. I can’t go to anyone else but you. Like you said, you know me better than anyone.” He dug into his cut, snagged his tin and his lighter again.

Liz took a quick glance over her shoulder toward The Barn as she waited for him to light the joint.

“You worried what he’ll say if he sees you out here alone with me?” He took a long hit off the joint.

She turned back to him. “No. He trusts me. I trust him.”

“Bet he don’t trust me, though.”

She snagged the joint from his fingers when he offered it to her. She took two quick puffs and gave it back to him. “He’s not worried about you, Ozzy. When you find that connection, the one that’s real and unbreakable, you don’t have to worry about the other person straying. You know why?”

He shook his head.

“Because they won’t do anything to risk breaking that connection. Now, what did you do to break the connection you had with Shay?”

“Can’t say shit to anyone, Liz, you got me? Not even him.”

She hesitated, but for only a second before she nodded. “Okay.”

He took another long hit of the pot and then told her everything.

What happened to his mother. Why he joined the Fury in the first place. What he did to Ham. Why he confessed to Shay and what happened when he did. When he was done with it all and the last word slipped from him, she stood there silently.

The only sounds surrounding them were the crickets, the hoot of a distant owl and the muffled noise of music from inside The Barn.

She needed to say something. And she needed to say it soon.

“Holy shit,” she finally whispered.

That wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Not even close.

“Don’t think I can fix this,” he admitted.

“No, you can’t.”

He didn’t want to hear that, either.

“You can only hope she can accept it and live with it by leaving the past in the past. If not…”

If not…

She let those last two words hang out there for far too long. He knew exactly why.

“But, Ozzy…” she breathed. “Oh, Oz…”

Shit. “Yeah. Said I fucked up. Meant it.”

“You didn’t know.”

“Don’t matter.”

“Did she say anything about going to the cops?” Liz asked.

“No. But that don’t mean she won’t. She was pretty fuckin’ upset.”

“No shit. How could she not be?”

She couldn’t.

Anybody in their right fucking mind would be upset, pissed, and might never get over it.

And that was what he feared.

“She’s such a gentle soul, Oz. From talking to her, she also seems to have a big heart. One big enough to forgive. Maybe not forget, but at least forgive?”

The question mark on the end of what Liz said didn’t give him any hope.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she simply needed to take some time to process it all. I assume she feels the same about you as you do about her. Well, or did, before you confessed, anyway. Have you tried contacting her?”

“Yeah. She won’t answer my calls or texts.”

Liz’s expression went grim. “I’m so sorry, Oz. I am.”

The one person who might’ve given him hope, just took it and ground it under her foot.

“Here’s the thing, honey. I knew better than to expect more from you, Ozzy, than what you could give. But what we had worked for us for the time we had it. Shay is completely different from me. Hell, she’s so damn different from you, too. This is why it surprises me to see how this has affected you. But if you want her… You need to give her everything. Give her you. If you have to, go crawling to her on your knees. Beg for her forgiveness. Do whatever you have to do.” She hesitated and lifted one shoulder before letting it drop. “Or don’t. Just let her go. Leave her alone and move on.”

He wished like fuck he could move on, but it wasn’t that simple.

It hit him right then that he never appreciated the woman standing before him enough. Another regret to add to his fucking long list.

“All right. I need to go grab a beer and spend some time with my ol’ man.” As she turned away, she froze and frowned. “Wait. Are you going somewhere?”

He glanced at what she stared at. His saddlebags. He normally didn’t have them on his sled unless he was traveling somewhere far. “Been thinkin’ about movin’ on.”

She turned back to him, that frown now even deeper. “Like permanently?”

“Yeah.”

“What about the motel?”

“Trip will find someone to run it.”

“But the club… Your brotherhood…”

“Liz, out of anyone, you always got me.”

She nodded. “Settling down was never in your blood. Where will you go?”

“Wherever the road takes me.”

“How about to Boston to do a little crawling?”

“It ain’t gonna be that simple, Liz. Just told you why.”

“Bullshit. Point your sled in that direction and twist that throttle. It can’t hurt to try to fight for her first. What do you have to lose that you already haven’t lost?”

Liz was right. He already lost who he had to lose. What harm could there be from heading north and meeting Shay face to face?

Even if he had to do what Liz said by getting on his fucking knees and begging.

Even if Shay didn’t want anything to do with him ever again, he would like for her to forgive him for destroying her family.

“Maybe Boston will be my first stop.”

She leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Good luck, honey.”

Luck wasn’t going to be enough.

Most likely nothing would.