Crash & Carnage by Emma Slate

Chapter 25

Boxer tosseda beanbag and it landed in the hole. He flashed me an arrogant grin. “Are you having a good time?”

I nodded and then stepped up to throw my beanbag. “Everyone’s been wonderful.”

“Have they squeezed you for information yet?”

“No, they’re saving that for later. When the sun goes down, the kids are conked out, and the menfolk are elsewhere, I’m pretty sure that’s when they’re gonna grill me.”

He tossed his second beanbag, sending it close, but it didn’t fall in. “You sure you’re okay?”

I swallowed, wishing I’d brought my glass of wine with me. “Yeah, it’s just…”

“What?”

“The way they talk about their men and children. It’s very… I’ve never been around a functional family. I didn’t grow up in one. You—and the Blue Angels—are smashing everything I thought I knew about what families are supposed to look like.”

He dropped his beanbag and then cradled my cheeks in his hands. His eyes bored into mine, intense, unwavering. “Life is worth living. Grabbing it by the balls and owning it is all there is. Living the way we do…we all know we could die at any moment. So, when we find something good to hold onto, we don’t let it go.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “I know this is a lot, and I know it’s fast. But, darlin’, I’ve never met anyone who needs a family more than you. And if you let us, we can be your family.

“Your dad left you,” he said quietly. “That fuckery is buried deep inside you. I get it, Doc. You’re afraid I’m gonna bail.” He leaned forward. “I’m gonna tell you a secret. I’m not going anywhere, Linden. You want to push me away, go ahead. Try. I’ll still be here when you’re done pushing.”

I swallowed. “Why? Why would you want to put up with me and all my crap?”

He studied me for a long quiet moment. “Because, Linden Ward, you’re worth it.”

You’re worth it.

His words swelled through the broken part of my psyche like ripples from a pebble in a pond.

I didn’t know what to say to him because I didn’t know what to say to myself. Normally, I would find a quiet place so I could sift through my thoughts, but I was at a party.

And I had no desire to leave.

We stared at each other, lost in the moment. I was unaware of everything around me, except for this man and in his own words, a declaration.

“Food’s ready!” Zip yelled from the grill, shattering the intensity of the moment.

I dropped the bean bag. Boxer took my hand and led me back toward the patio where Zip was sliding cooked hamburger patties onto plates. Children buzzed around Darcy. They were hungry and very vocal about it. Once the kids were placated with food, the adults began to fix their own plates.

“Babe,” Colt called to Mia. “What do you want?”

“One hot dog and one hamburger with the works,” she shouted back.

I grinned at Colt’s caring concern for his pregnant wife.

Boxer stayed close, one step behind me as I made myself a plate of food. I located my glass of wine and then went to join Mia and Colt. Boxer took a seat on the u-shaped couch right next to me.

Conversation was easy and flowed just like the wine and beer. I marveled at the way everyone interacted with one another. They were fascinating to observe. It was more than just camaraderie. It went deeper. Maybe it was because they weren’t of the same blood, but a patched together unit, a chosen clan.

I saw Silas and Reap tease and joke with one another, and then Reap ruffled Silas’s hair. It was at that moment that I realized this wasn’t just a single family, but a village. If Darcy and Gray were occupied and unable to tend to the needs of their children, someone else stepped in. It went like this as long as I watched.

And if you let us, we can be your family.

Boxer’s words resonated like a gong inside me.

The Blue Angels would embrace me as their own.

No reservations, no hesitation, because Boxer had chosen me.

“I’ve got to pee,” Mia announced.

“Thanks for that,” Zip stated with a grin, playing with the label on his beer bottle.

Colt helped his wife stand and then Joni hopped up. “Tour of the upstairs?”

The other women nodded and rose.

“Linden?” Joni looked at me. “Do you want to see the upstairs?”

I smiled at her. “Love to.”

Boxer took my hand before I left and gave it a squeeze.

“Why don’t you guys get the fire pit ready,” Joni suggested.

“Woman, why are you always putting me to work?” Zip demanded.

“Because you like it when I tell you what to do,” she sassed.

He gave her such a heated look that I didn’t need to guess where their banter would lead.

“That’s my sister,” Colt remarked dryly.

“I put a ring on it,” Zip stated. “I can do what I want.”

“Let’s get out of here before they pound on their chests like gorillas,” Joni said to me.

“Excellent idea.” I dropped Boxer’s hand, but I couldn’t stop myself from touching his shoulder before heading inside the house.

Mia was nowhere to be found. The other Old Ladies were in the kitchen, waiting to follow Joni.

A hallway door opened, and Mia stepped out of the bathroom, and then we all trekked to the second floor. The walls were in the middle of being stripped of paint. Joni pushed opened a bedroom door and waved us all inside.

“Ah, I get it now,” Rachel said. “You really did start with the main bedroom.”

“And bathroom,” she said. “We didn’t want to start on anything until we had the pipes and electricity inspected. Zip was ready to gut the place down the studs, but luckily it didn’t have to come to that. And seriously, thank God for the prospects. There’s no way any of this would’ve come together without their help.”

A black and white photo of Joni and Zip hung over the bed. She was in a wedding dress, and he was wearing his leather cut with a white shirt and black tie, and he was looking at her with love and naked adoration. Zip’s expression stated that he was deeply devoted to Joni.

“I love that photo,” Darcy commented.

Joni gently touched the dark frame. “Me too.” She shook her head and grinned. “We couldn’t agree on a wall color for our bedroom. I wanted blue; Zip wanted gray. We settled for a blue gray.”

“You two are vile,” Rachel teased with a grin.

Mia ran her hand across the darker blue gray coverlet on the king-sized bed. “I’m slowly phasing out the dude fortress decor in our house, but Colt is stubborn.”

“That man gives you everything,” Darcy said, laughing. “He really won’t let you re-decorate?”

“He’s really attached to brown furniture.” She sighed. “I’m hoping having a girl will eventually turn the tide.”

“Gray swore when we had Lily that he wouldn’t change. Guess who Lily asks to play princess tea party with? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not me.” Darcy shook her head. “Blue Angels and their daughters.”

“Babies melt that hard place inside you,” Allison said. “I’d never call Torque squishy, but sometimes I see him watching Tank…”

A daydream flickered in my mind. A picture, a flash, of Boxer cradling his own infant.

I firmly rejected the vision.

“Soft and squishy with their children,” Darcy said. “But not in the bedroom.”

“True story,” Mia said with a laugh.

“So, am I allowed to completely change the conversation?” Rachel asked.

“Yup,” Joni said.

“Are your men acting different? Reap’s been distant,” Rachel announced. “It started a week ago, I think. Something’s eating away at him. I thought he’d be over it by now, but…”

“I was going to ask you guys the same thing. Torque’s been working out twice a day, hard. He keeps yelling while he’s working out like he’s trying to become Superman or something,” Allison said. “He says he’s fine, but he’s clearly not. Whenever I ask him about it, he makes up some bullshit excuse and changes the subject.”

“What about you?” Rachel asked Joni. “Has Zip been acting different?”

Joni frowned, and then nodded. “Kind of absent. Like I’ll say something to him and then have to repeat myself. He’s been smoking again.”

Rachel looked at Mia. “What about Colt?”

Mia paused, a frown flashing across her forehead. “Definitely strange behavior. He was sitting in the nursery—in the rocking chair, holding a stuffed animal with this distant look on his face. Alone, with a bottle of bourbon…”

“Okay, that’s odd,” Rachel murmured. “Linden?”

“Hmm?”

“I know you just started dating Boxer, but you’re close to him. Anything?” Rachel asked.

“Can you really ask that?” Darcy asked. “He hasn’t really been the same since he got out of the hospital.”

“I know,” Mia agreed. “He doesn’t look like he’s being particularly distant where you are concerned, Linden.”

I hesitated a moment and then said, “He’s not.”

“I’m sensing a but,” Joni said.

“But even as light and carefree as Boxer comes across, he’s been…” I paused, searching for the right word. “Serious.”

“Serious?” Mia repeated.

I nodded.

“Serious how?” Rachel wondered aloud.

“Serious like, he wants something more from his life than he previously thought.”

Joni grinned. “I never thought I’d see the day when Boxer wanted to settle down.”

“Little Boxer babies!” Mia shrieked in excitement.

“Whoa there,” I said, holding up my hand. “You guys are getting a little ahead of yourselves.”

“You don’t want little Boxer babies?” Darcy asked. “You’ve seen your new boyfriend, haven’t you?”

“I haven’t thought about it,” I said.

“Seriously?” Joni demanded. “You’re how old?”

I raised my brows. “Thirty. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Your biological clock isn’t ticking?” Joni asked.

“Not everyone is like you, Joni. Hungry for biker seed,” Mia drawled with a laugh.

Joni shrugged, and then grinned. “What can I say? I’ve been after Zip since we were teenagers.” She pushed open a side door in the bedroom that didn’t lead to the bathroom. It was a smaller room, and the walls were painted a sunny yellow. It was devoid of furniture, but a rug with a collage of animals graced the wooden floor.

“What are you going to do with this room?” Rachel asked.

When Joni didn’t reply, all attention turned to her. Her eyes were shining, and her smile stretched across her entire face.

“Oh my God,” Mia breathed. “Are you?”

Joni nodded.

Mia squealed and nearly jumped on Joni, embracing her.

“You’re pregnant!” Rachel shrieked.

Tank, who’d been asleep in a sling across Allison’s body, let out a wail. Allison shushed him while moving toward Joni and enveloping her in a one-armed hug.

Darcy was next and gave Joni a side hug. “When did you find out?”

“We confirmed it yesterday,” she said.

“But the room…” I waved around the area. “It looks like this was started weeks ago.”

Joni nodded. “As soon as we got the bedroom done, Zip started on this room. It’s all I’ve wanted. To have a family with him.”

The emotion swimming in her eyes made my mashed down feelings surge to the surface. “Congratulations,” I said, but it sounded strangled to my own ears.

No one else noticed. They were too busy hugging and talking about Joni’s good news.

“What are you doing?” Joni asked, staring at me from a few feet away.

“What do you mean?”

“Get in here. It’s group hug time,” she demanded.

Rachel grabbed my arm and hauled me toward them and before I knew it, I was one of them, celebrating a milestone moment in their lives.

Mia hastily brushed tears from her eyes. “I’m so happy for you. Like really, really happy.”

“Me too,” Rachel added. “Shit, Mia. You’re making me cry.”

We batted away our tears, laughing and crying in tandem. I’d never felt such acceptance.

“Come on,” Joni said once she’d recovered. “Let’s get back downstairs. I need chocolate.”

“I need a wine refill,” Darcy said.

Just as we made it to the patio, the guys erupted into cheers. Zip beamed ear to ear as Gray slapped him on the back.

“I’m guessing Zip told them about your good news,” I said.

“Looks that way,” Joni agreed.

Colt swooped in and grabbed his sister, nearly crushing her in a bear hug. “I’m gonna be an uncle!”

Joni was swarmed by the Blue Angels. Boxer gave her a hug, said something in her ear that made her laugh, and then released her. He came over to me and put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side.

The kids dropped their beanbags and ran up to the patio from the lawn, wondering about the commotion. When Darcy told them what was going on they rushed to Joni and clambered for her attention. They were just as excited and as happy as the adults.

As the sun set and those that could drink toasted to Joni and Zip’s news, I felt something inside of me pry loose. There was such beauty here. Love and family. Happy children and laughter among friends. It sounded simple, easy. I’d been embraced as one of them. But now I knew what I’d been missing, and I never wanted to go back to a cold, empty life. My career lit me up, it challenged me, provided me the intellectual stimulation to grow my skills, but I couldn’t go home to it. It didn’t provide the nurturing warmth I so desperately craved but didn’t realize I needed.

“The Idaho boys and the young’uns aren’t coming,” Zip said, putting his cell phone away. “They’re having far too much fun where they are.”

“You mean they don’t want to hang out with a bunch of old married people?” Mia asked. “Shocking.”

“Who are you calling old?” Darcy asked.

“Not you, darling. You’re forever young.” Mia flashed a grin.

“Mia, will you braid my hair?” Lily asked, plopping down in front of Mia’s lawn chair.

“Sure thing, Lily Burger.”

“We’re gonna get out of here,” Torque said. “Allison is falling asleep.”

“It’s past my bedtime.” Allison said as she stood.

One by one, couples started to leave, until it was just Boxer and me hanging out with Joni and Zip. He put another log on the fire.

“How did you find this place?” I asked.

“I talked to people in town,” Zip said. “That’s how you find all the best stuff. The owner lived out of state. I sent him a letter, and a few weeks later he called and sold it to me for what I offered.”

“It reminds me of the house in It’s a Wonderful Life,” Joni said, brushing a kiss to Zip’s cheek. “Full of possibilities. We get to make it our own, which I love. But it feels like… I don’t know. It’s a home, right? But this house was here before us. It’ll be here after us. We’re just caretakers for a period in its life.”

Her poignant words struck my heart. I wasn’t sure if it was the wine or the hours of spending time with Boxer and his Blue Angels family, but tears sprung to my eyes.

Joni leaned her head against Zip’s shoulder and stared into the flames. He placed his cheek against her hair and suddenly, I felt like I was intruding.

“That’s my cue,” I said, making a move to stand. I stomped my feet and rubbed feeling back into my tailbone. “You guys look like you want to be alone.”

Zip grinned. “You pay attention. I like that.”

Boxer stood up and grasped my hand in his. “I’m out too.”

Joni looked like she was about to get up, but I waved her down. “Stay. Enjoy the moment.”

She snuggled against Zip. “You fit in well, Linden.”

“Do I?” I glanced at Boxer and then back to Zip and Joni.

“Yeah, Doc. You’re okay.” Zip said.

Boxer and I walked hand in hand toward the house. “Did you have fun?”

“I did. A lot of fun. They’re special. All of them.”

“Yeah. They are.”

I followed him home. After parking on the street, I cut the engine and then climbed out. I hit my clicker and walked toward the front porch steps.

“Bed?” he asked, as he closed the door and locked it. He dropped his keys into the bowl on the dark wood table.

I pushed him against the wall, and then my fingers went to his fly. “Floor.”

* * *

We were on the carpet of the living room on a pile of blankets and pillows. The light of the hallway was still ablaze.

I propped up on one elbow so I could look down at him. I ran a hand across his scruff, enjoying the raspy feel of it against my fingertips. He turned his head and kissed my palm, but he didn’t say anything more.

“Every time I’m with you, the Blue Angels, the Old Ladies, I feel…” I trailed off.

“What?”

“Like I belong.”

He smiled. “You do belong.”

“I didn’t think I would.” I paused. “It’s not the clothes or the way of life. It’s what’s inside a person. They hugged me like I was one of them. Joni included me in her reveal of the nursery. That feels… I don’t even know how to put it.”

“It’s called tribe, Doc. You’ve got a tribe.”

“They hugged me. We were upstairs in the room that’s going to be the nursery when Joni told everyone the news. They pulled me into their group, Boxer. Like I was one of them. Like I belonged.” I snuggled back down. “They asked about you.”

“Of course they did.”

“No, not in a joking way. About the night you came to me. They said their men…”

“What?”

“Have been acting different. Like, across the board all the guys are bothered by something.”

“What did you tell them?”

“I was evasive.”

“You kept my confidence.”

“I did,” I agreed.

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

I looked up at him. “You can trust me, Boxer. Like I trust you.”