Crash & Carnage by Emma Slate

Chapter 31

“I already told you,”I said, trying to keep my tone from rising with anger. “I don’t know where I was or who kidnapped me. I just know I was somewhere in the desert of Mexico.”

The female detective looked at me like she didn’t quite believe me. Her partner, Detective Buckingham, was clearly playing good cop in this situation.

“I’m very sorry we had to ask you these questions, Ms. Ward. But we—”

“Doctor,” I interrupted.

His brow furrowed. “Excuse me?”

“It’s Dr. Ward. I’m a doctor.”

“Right, sorry. I meant Dr. Ward. Yes.”

“I can’t help you, Detective,” I said. “I can’t tell you what I don’t know. This is a dead end. We’ve been at this for an hour, and I’m tired.” I leaned my head back against the pillow and feigned exhaustion.

The two detectives exchanged a look and then rose from their chairs. Detective Buckingham reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card and set it down on the bedside table next to me.

“If you think of anything that might be useful, please let me know. A lot of women and children have been reported missing in the area. We just want to put a stop to it.”

Guilt rested heavily on my shoulders. But what were the cops going to do about the missing women and children? If a biker club was trying to put a stop to it and were clearly failing even though they were willing to play outside the law, what good was the local police force going to be? If they got involved, it would just put them in the middle of a bloody war where only their enemies were able to play dirty, and they’d be bound by laws and search warrants, court orders, and schedules.

“I wish you a speedy recovery,” Detective Buckingham stated.

“Thank you.”

They both left, leaving me alone again. The female detective had offered me zero sympathy and platitudes. She was abrasive and hardened. The world had gotten to her, and she was as cold as anyone I had ever met.

At least they’d waited to speak to me until the following morning, so I’d finally had a good night sleep. It had been restful, and I remembered nothing of my dreams.

Thank God for morphine.

I didn’t need to sleep to live my nightmares.

I reached for the remote on the bedside table and clicked on the television. It was mindless entertainment, something I stared at without actually seeing. The hospital room door opened, but I didn’t bother looking to see who was there. It had been a revolving door of visitors. Nurses, Chief Nelson, the Blue Angels, the police. It was suffocating. And I wished for peace and a reprieve.

It was Mia who’d come in, followed by Joni, Rachel, Darcy, and Allison.

No reprieve then.

Joni and Rachel carted in two wicker picnic baskets, and Darcy had a leather bag slung over her shoulder, which she put at the foot of my hospital bed.

“Boy, they told me you looked like hell,” Darcy said, her eyes raking over me. “Nothing like seeing it for myself, though.”

“Jesus, Darcy,” Joni muttered.

“What?” Darcy asked with a shrug. “The woman needs honesty. From the looks of it, she doesn’t need any more coddling or tiptoeing. Do you, sugar?”

A slow smile involuntarily crossed my lips. “Darcy, I think you get me.”

“We brought you lunch,” Joni said. “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, potato salad, coleslaw, biscuits, mashed potatoes, and dessert from Pinky’s.”

“I’m sure you’re dying for something other than hospital food,” Rachel added. “I would be. I can’t stand Jell-O.”

My stomach rumbled at the thought of fried chicken. “And the guys? The kids?”

“Hanging out at The Rex,” Mia explained. “Well, except for Boxer.”

“And Zip,” Joni added. “He stayed to make sure Boxer didn’t…”

“Didn’t what?” I prodded.

“Didn’t march down the hallway and come in here, demanding you speak to him,” Joni finished.

“Look,” Rachel began. “We’re your family now. All of us. You want to talk about what happened to you, we’ll listen. You don’t? We’ll eat our food and shut up. We’re not here to get your story, okay?”

Joni lifted the flap of a picnic basket and pulled out a container of fried chicken. “We love people through food. We bring comfort. We bring friendship and acceptance.”

Darcy unzipped the leather bag. “I brought the works.” She pulled out a pair of hair scissors. “I used to do this for a living. I thought you might let me clean things up a bit…”

“I still haven’t seen how bad it is,” I admitted.

“You haven’t?” Darcy asked.

I shook my head. “Peyton wouldn’t bring me a mirror. I didn’t really have the energy to fight her about it.”

“Don’t look,” Allison suggested. “Just let Darcy work her magic so the next time you look in a mirror, you see a version of yourself that you love.”

Tears pricked my eyes. “See a version of myself that I love,” I repeated. “I don’t know if I’ve ever loved myself.”

I hadn’t meant to be so honest. But there was something about the Old Ladies. Their mere presence pried the feelings out of me, whether I wanted it to happen or not.

“I’m really good,” Darcy said, her tone gentle. “And I think you have the perfect bone structure to pull off a pixie cut. What do you say?”

“Go for it,” I said.

Dive into the unknown.

An hour later, Darcy held up a mirror for me to peer into. Before I faced myself, I took a deep breath. I didn’t look like me at all. My blonde hair was cropped short. It highlighted my cheekbones and made my eyes appear bluer and bigger. I turned my head to the side to study myself.

“You have the daintiest ears,” Joni commented.

“Like a little elf.” Rachel smiled.

“I think you look amazing,” Mia added. “Short hair really suits you.”

I ran my hand down the column of my neck.

“You hate it.” Darcy groaned, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, I just thought—”

“No,” I interrupted. “I don’t hate it. I don’t hate it at all.”

And then I began to cry.

“Shit,” Rachel muttered, tossing her chicken leg onto a paper plate and setting it aside.

The Old Ladies crowded around me. Their arms embraced me as I cried out the storm that was swirling inside me.

“It’s just hair,” Darcy said. “It’ll grow.”

“No, you don’t understand.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. “I love it. I love it so much, and I never would’ve cut my hair. You were trying to fix a mess—and you did. You fixed it, and now it’s beautiful again. I just wish someone could fix what’s inside of me. What’s the version of a haircut for your soul?” I asked on a sob.

I felt their tears on my skin as they held me, and we cried as one.

Rachel was the first to gain control of her emotions. She leaned away and swiped a hand across her eyes. “Fuck this shit,” she snapped. “I’ve cried so much since I’ve gotten knocked up, and it just keeps getting worse.”

I let out a soft, watery laugh. “Are there any more mashed potatoes?”

“Yeah. They’re cold though,” Joni said.

“Doesn’t matter.”

Joni riffled through the picnic basket and pulled out a plastic container. She removed the lid, stuck a spork into it, and then gave it to me.

“Any word?” Allison asked, her tone soft. “About the extent of damage to your hand?”

I inhaled a sharp breath, unprepared for the honest question. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to perform surgery again. And that, in and of itself, is the reason I’m contemplating a morphine addiction.”

My joke fell flat, and no one laughed.

Joni looked at Mia. “You should tell her.”

“Tell me what?” I asked.

“Did Boxer ever tell you about me?” Mia queried. “I mean, how I came to be an Old Lady?”

Hearing his name out loud had my insides stuttering like a flooded engine. I was still so angry at him, and I wasn’t sure the anger was going to go away.

But I missed him.

That wasn’t going away, either.

“He told me you were involved in some bad shit last year,” I admitted, meeting Mia’s pensive gaze. “But he didn’t give me details.”

“My boss got into trouble, and I got dragged into it,” she explained. “And I brought it to the Blue Angels’ front door. And instead of turning me away and making it someone else’s problem, they took me in. Not just Colt, but all of them. And when my world fell apart, and trust me, it sure as hell did”—her smile wobbled— “they were there to help me pick up the pieces. My new family helped me keep moving forward in life. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do for you.”

She stole a hand across her expanded belly. “I’m an Old Lady, but I didn’t grow up in this world. I didn’t even know what being an Old Lady really meant. But it wasn’t until the chips were down and the club was there that I realized the loyalty they spout on about isn’t bullshit. I know there are things you can’t tell us, things you know that we aren’t supposed to know, and it’s okay. We’re still here for you.”

“How do you know that?” I inquired.

“They told us,” Allison voiced. “They said you got involved fast and hard because you’re a doctor, and you got pulled into something they normally don’t include us in.”

“It’s why we’re not pressing you to talk,” Darcy said. “We respect the club’s boundaries.”

“Screw the boundaries,” I said. “You guys deserve to know what’s going on. For your own safety.”

“That’s not what’s important right now,” Mia interjected. “We can discuss that with the men later. This, right now, is about you. We love you. We love who you were before this happened, and we love who you’ll become because of this. You don’t have to hide, Linden. If you want to fall apart, go ahead. We can help you put yourself back together.”

Mia was close enough to touch me, and she stroked her finger down my left pinky.

“You should throw more shit at Boxer,” Rachel suggested. “It might help.”

“Next time, use something with a bit more heft to it. A plastic cup ain’t gonna cut it,” Joni said.

“I should’ve known you guys would find out about that,” I said in amusement. “There are no secrets in this family, are there?”

“Not when one of us is hurting,” Darcy said. “And darlin’, you’re hurting bad.”

I bowed my head.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Allison asked. “Has anyone actually asked you that? Has anyone asked you if you want to open up?”

I hadn’t spoken of anything specific. I was tired of the secrecy, though. Were they strong enough to handle the truth? I believed they were. But as angry as I was at Boxer, it felt like a betrayal telling the Old Ladies before telling him. And since this was club business and connected to a cartel, I really did need to speak to him first.

“I think I have to talk to Boxer,” I said slowly.

Part of me envied them. They were left in the dark. They were left not knowing about everything going on around them. But was ignorance truly bliss? Was it fair to make them sitting ducks? Waiting for someone to pluck out their feathers and roast them until they were charred? How could they protect their families and children if they didn’t know what was going on right in their own backyard?

This was truly a matter of life and death.

The Old Ladies cleaned up, chucking plasticware and paper plates into the garbage. Darcy put all her haircutting instruments back into her bag and then hoisted it to her shoulder.

“I think you really rock the short hair, babe.” Darcy smiled. “And I think it’ll match your new affinity for leather pants.”

I smiled. “Yeah. I’m calling it Biker Chic.”

“Have you met Laura yet?” Rachel asked.

“No. Freddy’s mentioned her a few times.”

“When you’re up to it, we’ll all go shopping at Leather and Ink,” Rachel promised. “You’ll love her store.”

“Can’t wait,” I said.

“There’s strawberry rhubarb pie for dessert.” Joni left the picnic basket next to my bedside. “There’s also banana and chocolate cream pie in there. And chocolate chip cookies.”

“Calorie dense foods. I appreciate it. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Joni said.

“Has anyone seen or talked to Freddy?” I inquired.

Mia looked at Joni and then me. “I’ve spoken with her. She feels like this is her fault. If she hadn’t jumped behind the bar, she would’ve been hanging out with you. You wouldn’t have gotten abduct—” She flinched. “Sorry.”

“Do me a favor, okay?” I asked.

Her eyes were wary. “What?”

“None of this is your fault or Freddy’s fault, or even my fault. Okay? So, let’s stop talking around what happened or apologizing for things that can’t be changed. I’ll talk to Boxer and when I can, I’ll level with all of you.”

“If that’s what you want,” Darcy said. “Because again, we’re not pressuring you to—”

“I know. Jeez, I know. You guys have been…” I searched for the right word. “Wonderful. There’s just a lot of moving parts to all this. Okay?”

They nodded, and one by one, they left the room until it was just me and Mia.

“You want to talk to Boxer?” Mia asked me.

“Want?” I sighed. “No. Should? Yes.”

“It’s my turn to ask something from you,” Mia said.

“Go on.”

“Boxer. He loves you. He’d kill for you. Remember that when you talk to him.”

* * *

The food and the company restored me on a level I didn’t expect. The Old Ladies had helped lift my spirits. It would be a long time before I felt any semblance of normalcy, but they were there for me.

My hand began to throb. I was due for another morphine drip, but I wasn’t sure I wanted it anymore. I didn’t like the physical pain of my injuries—but I was slowly beginning to realize that I didn’t like the idea of falling through the cracks that Dante had created inside me either.

It would be far too easy to escape into an addiction.

For the first time ever, I understood the appeal.

But I also recognized the danger.

I’d no longer judge those that had fallen because they’d been cut off at the knees instead of living fortunate lives.

It began to rain. A light drizzle rapped against the glass of the hospital window, but the afternoon sun steadfastly attempted to batter its way through the dark clouds. There was something so incredibly soothing about the weather. The angry rumble of thunder in the distance. The flash of lightning that lit up the sky. I wasn’t one for symbolism or poetry, but I couldn’t help but smile at the irony of it.

The opening of the door alerted me that he was here.

I felt him.

He was everywhere. Overwhelming with his presence.

Just for an instant, I closed my eyes and pretended I was in his arms again. Safe. Protected. Sheltered.

Loved.

My heart had belonged to him long before I’d been ready to admit it. And he had never once made me think that he would discard it. No, he was a protector by nature, and I knew what he would do for me.

I mustered the bravery to finally look at him.

He blinked tired, blood shot eyes and then scratched a thumb along his raspy, whiskered cheek. It sounded like sandpaper stroking a plank of wood.

“Have you slept at all?” I blurted out.

“I dozed for a bit in the waiting room,” he said. “No more than a few minutes at a time.”

His gaze was hungry as it raked over me, lingering on my hair. “It looks good,” he said gruffly.

“But I don’t look good. Right?”

He clenched his jaw and didn’t reply.

“You can come in, you know.” I gestured with my chin to the chair. “Have a seat.”

“You’re not gonna throw me out again?”

“I’m not going to apologize for that.”

“God, Linden, don’t apologize. Don’t apologize for anything.”

He shuffled over to the chair and plopped down. He stretched his legs out and rested his clenched fists on his thighs.

“Why did this happen to me, Boxer? Why was I kidnapped? Dante told me it was about you. That this was personal. I just don’t know why.”

“It’s time to tell you everything. You deserve to know all of it.” He sighed and leaned forward. “There have been two cartels competing for business in Waco. The Garcia cartel and the Sanchez cartel. The Blue Angels are drug mules for the Sanchez cartel, and up until recently, the Garcia cartel was only running drugs and only where we let them. They have a different part of the city. They kept to their side. We kept to ours. But something changed in the past few months, and when we found out they were peddling flesh, we went to Mateo Sanchez, and he ordered us to stop it. Mateo is all about making money, but he’s not into trafficking humans.”

“A cartel kingpin not wanting to sell humans? That doesn’t make any sense,” I said.

“Sanchez has no problem with drugs, guns, gambling. That’s just part of the world he comes from. But just like the Blue Angels, he doesn’t stand for human trafficking. We can do business with him, Linden, but that other shit doesn’t fly with any of us. Get it?”

I nodded.

“We intercepted a few of the Garcia cartel’s shipments,” Boxer went on. “I told you about the children and the women we found. It was a clear message from us to the Garcia cartel to cut that shit out. That we didn’t want that in Waco. It wasn’t supposed to escalate, but the Garcia cartel didn’t like being put in their place. They saw it as a challenge. They made it personal by coming after you. By kidnapping you, they sent a message of their own: women and children are fair game. Families are fair game. It’s a declaration of war, Linden. And if they want war, they’re gonna fucking get it. Because they don’t get to do this. They don’t get to—Christ, Linden. Look at what they did to you!”

He fell silent, and he struggled to take a few deep breaths, obviously trying to get himself under control.

“Do you want to know?” I asked quietly. “About what happened to me?”

“Do I want to know? No. But I have to. I’ll listen and stomach it. Because this never should’ve happened to you, and I’ll have to live with it for the rest of my life.” He met my gaze. “I see it in your eyes. You’ll blame me forever.”

“You should’ve protected me.”

“I know.”

“But I should’ve protected myself,” I said. “This isn’t all on you.”

“Don’t absolve me.”

“I’m not. I’m not at all. But you did try and tell me what I was getting into with the Blue Angels. I just didn’t think…” I shook my head. “I was stupid. Stupid and too in love with you to see straight.” I looked at him to gauge his reaction at the admittance of my feelings.

His gaze was tender, soft.

I sighed. “There was no listening to reason. I didn’t have to stick around, but I did. And here we are.”

“Here we are,” he agreed, his tone dark. “Tell me what happened to you, Linden. Don’t leave anything out.”

I didn’t.

I talked for so long without interruption that my throat went dry. As I recounted everything that had occurred, everything I remembered, Boxer remained silent and unmoving. A muscle in his jaw began to tick. Only when I got to the part of Dante branding me did Boxer get up and start pacing around the room, clenching his fists. He prowled like the lion on the animal kingdom show, only the lion had had an outlet for his energy.

“There was a doctor,” I said. “He patched me up and kept me alive so Dante could continue his…torture. But he also whispered the name of the town where I was.”

Boxer’s eyes met mine. “Town? You know where you were taken?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me,” he commanded.

“What are you going to do?”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously. What are you going to do? Run down there and storm the town? Are you going to go on a killing rampage and murder everyone who lives there, including the peasants living in abject poverty and fear because Dante rules over them?”

“I don’t kill innocents,” he said tightly. “And I’m pissed as fuck that you’d even say that. But what if they’re not innocent?”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means, that any one of them could’ve gotten word to—”

“Dante saws people in half with chainsaws when they piss him off. Do you really expect these people to go out on a limb for a stranger?”

“The doctor gave you the name of the town,” he pointed out. “So clearly courage isn’t absent in all of them.”

I clamped my mouth shut.

“I want the name of that town,” he went on. “So the boys and I can go down there and fucking end him.”

“And then what?” I demanded. “What happens after you kill him? Play this forward for me, because I have a pretty good idea of how this goes. Garcia retaliates. And they bring it here. To our streets. Think of the casualties.”

“Are you asking me not to?” His gaze turned dark. “Shit’s been set in motion, and we can’t back down. If we don’t end him, he’ll just do this to someone else. Go after someone else’s woman or kid.”

“I know.” I looked up at the ceiling. “He doesn’t deserve mercy. He may be human, but not all human lives have value. That’s what I’ve learned.”

“Doc,” he began.

“Don’t. Don’t call me that,” I said softly. “I don’t know if I’m a doctor anymore.”

“Fuck, that’s my fault too.”

“I’m not the same person that I was. He took so much from me, Boxer.”

“Are you afraid I won’t love you?”

I flinched.

“I love you. Any and all parts of you. I love who you were, and I love who you are now.”

“I don’t know who that is.”

He came over to the bed and sat down next to me. His gaze scanned my body, as if he was looking for a place where he could touch me that wasn’t injured. His nearness made my heart jump, but not in fear. Boxer’s hand reached out to gently cradle my cheek.

I leaned into his touch, and it made me feel weak and strong at the same time. Even though I was angry, I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to forgive myself. Hopefully, in time…

“I told you once I’m not going anywhere,” he reminded me. “I’m the one who should be asking if you still love me. If we still have a shot at this. Have I lost you? I’m the one that brought you into this world. I’m the one that didn’t let you go. I’m the one that hoped you’d stay.”

I took a deep breath and leaned back. “I don’t know what life looks like on the other side, Boxer. I can’t promise what it’ll look like. It’s all murky. It’ll be murky for a long, long time. Even after physical therapy. Even after counseling. Even after I find my new normal, I still won’t be who I used to be. When you look at me, will you be able to forgive yourself for not protecting me?”

“Jesus, Linden. I wish I could go back in time and undo everything that’s happened.”

“Well, you can’t. Life doesn’t work that way and wishing for a different outcome is stupid. It prevents you from moving forward.”

“Can we? Move forward?” he asked. “We were just about to get there. We were just about to figure out our lives together, and then this happened. Can we ever be happy again?”

“Yeah. I think we can still be happy.”

“You do?”

I nodded slowly. “I think so. I really do. Because I know one thing for certain: It was hard enough to find you when I thought I was normal. It was hard enough finding someone who loved me, quirks and all. Now I’m not normal.”

“Hold on a second,” he began, “I don’t want you staying with me for that reason. You don’t have to be stuck with me or the club.”

I lowered the blanket of the bed that was covering me. I inched up my hospital gown and pointed to the bandage on my hip. “I have a giant D branded onto my body, like I’m a piece of livestock. Even after it heals, even after plastic surgery to remove the scar, even after I decide to turn it into a tattooed piece of art, to make something ugly and gruesome into something beautiful, it will always be there as a reminder of what I’ve been through. I’ll never forget. Neither will you.”

“Linden…”

“I’ll tell you the name of the town,” I stated. “But you have to promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“I want you to bring him to me.”

“What?”

“I’m in, Boxer. I’m all in. I’ll be part of this world. Not just because I was pulled into it, but because I choose this. I choose you and the club. But you have to do this for me. You have to bring him to me, and you have to let me be the one to kill him.”

He didn’t say anything for a long moment. He stared at me and then looked at the ground and then back to me. “I have to take this to the club. I have to take this to the brothers, and we have to vote on it. But I’ll go to bat for you with them if I have to, to sway them.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting that to be your answer.”

“You expected me to try and talk you out of it?”

“Yes,” I said. “Why aren’t you?”

“You know your own mind, and I won’t disrespect you by choosing for you.”

“Thank you,” I said, my throat thick with emotion. “You have to tell the Old Ladies. Maybe not specifics, but they need to know to be on their guard. They have to know they’re in danger.”

“They know,” he said. “They’ve been in lockdown at the clubhouse since you were kidnapped.”

“Seriously? None of them said anything.”

He shrugged.

“But Mia was the one who found me,” I said. “What was she doing out of the clubhouse?”

“Crow was with her,” he said. “Anytime any of the Old Ladies had to leave for whatever reason, they had a prospect or a brother with them for protection.”

I swallowed and looked down at my broken hand.

“What? What do you want to ask?”

“Did you try and find me?” I blurted out.

“We knew Dante had you, but we didn’t know where.”

“And if you’d known where I was?” I prodded. “Would you have come for me?”

“Damn right I would’ve come for you. That’s not even a question you should be asking.”

“No?” My blood boiled with rage. “I almost died. I should’ve died. So forgive the fuck out of me for wondering if I was important enough for you to save.”

“Damn right you’re important enough to save,” he said, anger coating his tone.

We glared at one another.

Boxer was the first to break the silence of our standoff. “I’m so fucking sorry, Linden. I’m sorry this shit happened to you.”

“I can’t hear it anymore. I can’t hear another apology. Don’t look at me with pity. Don’t stay with me because you pity me.”

“God, woman. It kills me that you think pity has anything to do with this. If I have to, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you that pity’s got nothing to do with it.”

“Regrets are a waste of time, aren’t they?”

“Damn right they are,” he agreed.

I exhaled slowly and then nodded. “Would you kill him for me? If I asked?”

“Without hesitation. Say the word and I’ll be the one to put a bullet in his head.”

“Mia said you’d kill for me because you love me.”

“I would kill for you. And I do love you.”

“I don’t know if that’s enough,” I admitted quietly.

His expression was bleak. “It’s all I’ve got.”