At First Hate by K.A. Linde

Savannah

June 14, 2019

“Ican’t believe that I’m going to miss the wedding.” Gran all but pouted from her hospital bed.

“Don’t worry about the wedding. Let’s focus on you getting better.”

I sank back down into the chair opposite her. She had been doing so well. The cancer diagnosis had come in two years ago, and we hadn’t been sure if she was going to make it. But she had recovered slowly but surely. Then, bam! It had hit all over again. Stronger than ever.

I couldn’t even believe we were here again. That, on the eve of Lila’s wedding, I’d be waiting to find out how long Gran had left to live. I had to be back in a few hours for the dress rehearsal. Lila had told me that I could skip if need be, but I wanted to be there for my best friend. But I also needed to be here for Gran.

Maddox was asleep in the other chair in the small room. He’d been in LA for the last couple weeks, working on a new movie. He did most of his animation work from with own company in Savannah, but every now and then, he’d disappear to LA. He’d taken a red-eye in for Lila’s wedding, and when he found out about Gran’s health, he’d come straight to the hospital.

“It’ll be fine, chickadee. We’ve been here before, and we came out ahead.”

We had. I wanted to guarantee that we’d be that lucky again. Gran wasn’t a spry, young chick anymore. She had always seemed so strong and healthy. But the last two years after her diagnosis had really taken it out of her.

“We want that again, Gran,” I told her. “It’ll help that I’ll be back here next semester.”

“Are you sure that you want to put your research on hold for that long?”

“Yes,” I said confidently. “I can still manage my lab from a distance, and I won’t have any teaching obligations while I’m on sabbatical. It’s more important to me to be with you for six straight months. I’ll be able to help around the house. You need someone to take care of you.”

Gran waved at me. “Don’t mother me, Marley Sue.”

I laughed. “Are you saying you don’t want me home?”

“Of course not. I’d love your company. I just don’t want you to give up your career to be with me. I can take care of myself.”

“Good. Then, I’ll be there. It’s not giving up my career anyway. It’s just a semester.” I hitched my thumb at Maddox. “He’s clearly not around enough to help.”

She laughed fondly at Maddox. “I’m so proud of both of you. Following your dreams and changing the world.”

Tears stung my eyes at Gran’s words. She always knew the right thing to say to make me tear up. It was both wonderful and obnoxious.

“I love you, Gran.”

“I love you too.”

We sat in silence, listening to the beeping of the machines and waiting.

Finally, the door opened. I jumped to my feet, anxiety cresting through me. I wanted to act like I was ready to deal with this all over again even if I could never, ever be ready for what was about to happen.

Then, my mom stepped into the hospital room. “Hi.”

I froze, fear replacing my anxiety. This was never a good sign. I should have been glad that the adult was here to take care of the situation, but I knew better. I knew exactly who my mother was.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Marley Sue,” Gran said, “be kind to your mother.”

My mom shot Gran a reassuring smile. “It’s okay, Mom.”

Maddox stirred from his chair. He blinked blearily up at the situation in the room. “Fuck, I need coffee.”

“Language, Maddox,” Gran said.

“You want some too?” He pointed at me.

I stared back at him helplessly. Despite the years, we still had our twin ESP. He sighed and straightened in his chair, massaging a crick in his neck. I didn’t want him to go. I couldn’t be alone in this room with our mother, but I couldn’t leave Gran to deal with her either.

“I’d like a cup,” our mom said.

Maddox snorted. “I guess coffee can wait.”

“I got your message that you were in the hospital,” Mom said.

Gran smiled tentatively. She’d at least learned enough over the years to be cautious. Even if she couldn’t quite move to pessimism. If it were me, I’d never have let my mom know about this shit.

“I’m glad you came.”

“Of course. Ruth should be here after work.”

Gran smiled at knowing that her daughters were both going to be here. For a second, I saw the light in my Gran’s eyes. As if everything would be all right again.

Mom stepped up to Gran’s side. She wrinkled her nose slightly at the hospital bed and all the equipment. It wasn’t exactly her aesthetic. Her hair had been bleached an unnatural blonde. So bright that it was nearly white. I’d never seen that color on the woman who I sometimes thought looked like me. Everything was blown out and painted on and fake. Her dress was a mint-green number with lots of frills and high, high heels. Her skin was bronze. She was stunning regardless of age, and at the same time, she was absolutely hideous.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“I’ve been better, but I’m sure they’re going to let me out of here soon.”

Mom looked up at me, and I shook my head. I didn’t think that was likely.

Her smile just widened. “I bet you are. You’ve always been a fighter. Just like me.”

Gran tipped her head slightly. Mom had never fought for anything. “If you say so. I’m just glad you’re here.”

She put her hand on Mom’s hand. One spotted with age and the other beginning to show the first signs of aging. One of the few places my mom showed any aging at all.

Maddox and I shared a glance. This had to be a charade. It had to be. When had Mom ever cared about Gran?

“Marley. Maddox. Could you give us a few minutes alone?” Mom asked.

I bristled, ready to throw it all back in her face, but Gran nodded.

“Just a minute, chickadee.”

I ground my teeth together but I could deny Gran nothing. I shoved the chair back and followed my brother out of the hospital room.

He glanced at me as we headed to grab some coffee. “What the hell do you think that’s about?”

“I don’t know. I don’t like it.”

“Me neither. Why does Gran still let her in?”

“I don’t think she can let her go. She has so much compassion.”

“That’s how you get hurt.”

He wasn’t wrong. Though I hated to hear it out of his mouth.

We came back with our gross hospital coffee a few minutes later to the sound of raised voices. I dashed the rest of the way and swung into the hospital room, sloshing steaming coffee on my hand and all over the tiled floor.

“What the hell is going on?”

But no one even acknowledged my entrance. Mom stood with her arms crossed over her chest. Gran was sitting up in her hospital bed and staring daggers at her daughter. I’d never seen that look on Gran’s face. She was eternally patient, forever compassionate, endlessly kind. Maddox and I had gotten into plenty of trouble growing up, and we’d never even heard her raise her voice. Let alone scream at someone.

“How dare you, Hannah!” Gran shouted. “I can’t believe that you would ask this of me.”

“How dare I?” my mom screamed back. “You’re the one who has always judged me for my choices.”

“Judged you? I have always been here for you. I raised your own children for you. I helped them the way I apparently never helped you. I’ve always given you everything you could ever ask for. And still, you do this?”

My mom rolled her eyes. “You’ve always been high and mighty. As if you’re so much better than me. Well, news flash: you’re not.”

“I never insinuated a thing. I simply wanted what was best for you.”

“What I want is to marry a rich guy who is going to take care of me. Tell me that makes you so proud,” my mom spat.

“You have no idea what you want,” Gran said. She shook her head. “I wish it were as simple as finding a man who loved you, but love was never enough for you. You always had to have more. You always had to take and take and take from every relationship, Hannah Marie. Never satisfied until you drained the relationship dry.”

“Stop,” I pleaded. “Just take a walk and cool off.”

“No. That’s not it. What I wanted was a mother who saw me for who I was and not what you wanted to mold me into. I’m not you, Mom!”

“I never wanted you to be me! I just wanted to love you. And I wanted you to love me for something other than a bank,” Gran spat.

Mom shook her head. “So, are you going to give me the money or not?”

I gasped. “You came here for money?”

Maddox whistled. “That’s low, even for you.”

“She’s sick. She called you because she’s in the hospital, and you used it as an opportunity to come in here and extort her for more money?” I couldn’t fathom it. My mother was a terrible person. But… how? How could she be like this?

“She’s sick, but she’s not dead,” my mom spat. “Not yet.”

I gasped at the words. Maddox winced. But Gra… Gran was devastated. Her face fell. Tears came to her eyes. Her body shook at the words. At the callous way she’d thrown it out there. As if she didn’t even care if Gran died. She’d finally get a portion of Gran’s money. She’d get the house. She’d ruin Gran’s legacy with her obsession with youth and money and men.

“Leave,” Gran said, so soft that I barely heard it.

“What did you say?” Mom asked.

“I said, leave. It’s over, Hannah. You’ll get no more money from me.”

“What? Mom?”

“No. I gave and gave and gave. I respected your choices. I had compassion for your pain. I accepted all of that. But I can’t accept that you would rather have me dead than alive. I can’t sit here and be disrespected any longer.”

“That is not—”

“Go!” she shouted. “I don’t ever want to see your face again.”

Mom’s eyes rounded. “Seriously? Just like that, you’re going to turn your back on your daughter?”

A tear slid from Gran’s eye. She looked away from her. “You’re not my daughter.”

My mom’s jaw dropped at those words. Not because of the pain that she’d caused her own mother, but because she wasn’t going to get her way. Maddox and I stepped in front of her.

“Go,” I repeated. “You’ve done enough damage.”

She opened her mouth again, but Maddox muscled her forward out of the room. “It’s over,” he growled before shutting the door after she left.

I rushed to Gran’s side. “Are you okay?”

Gran vacantly looked off. “No, honey, I’m not. I should have done that a long time ago.”

I agreed but didn’t say so. “What can I do?”

She patted my hand. “Just sit here with me.”

Tears slid down her cheeks, even as I saw her face harden. “Both of my daughters… gone to me. Hannah was always troubled, but I thought if I was there for her, then she’d come around. She never did. And Ruth…” She coughed around the pain. “Well, Ruth never wanted anything to do with me. I haven’t even seen her in over a decade. I’ve tried, but she wants nothing to do with me. I doubt she’s coming today. No matter what Hannah said.” She reached for me and Maddox. “At least I have you two. My two children.”

Maddox came to her other side and touched her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Gran. Mom is the worst.”

Gran looked between us and said solemnly, “Don’t ever mention them in my presence again.”

I swallowed hard at those words. I’d long ago written off my mother and aunt. But hearing that it had finally gotten through to Gran… that was a whole new level of pain. I hated it for her. That she finally saw the world for how it really was. That bad people didn’t change. They kept taking advantage of hospitality as long as it was offered. Seeing that realization on my Gran’s face made everything so much worse. As if it had drained the life from her too.

I held her hand helplessly. It was all I could do.

“We’ll have next semester, Gran,” I whispered once a nurse came in and gave her something to fall asleep. “I’ll be here all the time. You’ll feel better, and we’ll do all the fun things together. I’ll be the daughter you never had.”