At First Hate by K.A. Linde

Atlanta

Present

Cole Davis pulled me into a hug before Lila could even get inside my apartment. I leaned into my best friend’s boyfriend and tried to keep it together. Lila had known Cole nearly as long as Ash. They had a history that rivaled that whole problem with Ash. If anyone knew what I was going through, it was them.

“Sorry to hear about all this,” he said. “We brought pizza.”

“And ice cream.” Lila held it up and pushed her boyfriend out of the way. “I brought the goods.” She shoved everything into Cole’s hands and then gave me a hug. “We love you, Mars.”

“Love you too.” I sniffled and headed into the kitchen.

I’d gotten back into Atlanta late the night before after talking on the phone the entire four-hour drive back. Lila for the beginning and switching to Josie for the West Coast time on the drive. Lila had insisted she’d come over the next day since it was the Falcons bye week. Josie was jumping on the first flight into Atlanta, even when I’d insisted she didn’t need to fly in from LA when she’d been here last weekend. But she’d laughed at me and bought tickets while we were on the phone.

Now, Lila and Cole were here with pizza and ice cream. They both rolled their eyes when I told them Josie would be here soon.

“It’s just like her to do some grand gesture,” Lila said with a laugh.

Cole shook his head. “Josie is one of a kind.”

“You just like her because of what she did this summer.”

“Hey, I can’t deny that,” he said with a mischievous smile as he dipped his head in for a kiss.

I rolled my eyes at their display. I wasn’t mad that they were happy. They deserved it and all, but sometimes the cute was a lot.

I loaded up a paper plate with pizza and sank onto the couch to watch the Sunday night game. Both Lila and Cole worked for the Falcons and had always loved professional football. Cole’s dad had been a coach for the team since they were in college. I didn’t care much about any of it, but it was mind-numbing enough and had the benefit that I didn’t have to interact.

“Patriots are definitely going to hold on to this one.”

Cole laughed. “Nah, Sunflower. I think the Ravens have this one.”

“They’re undefeated. It seems unlikely,” she said, nudging him out of the way. She pointed at me. “Drink?”

“I’m okay. I’ll take the ice cream though.”

“Your wish is my command.”

Cole went on about how the Ravens were the superior team. He had a list of facts that mostly went over my head, but Lila could keep up with him. She loved football more than anyone I’d ever met, and Cole Davis had played college ball at UGA. Match made in heaven.

Lila handed me the pint of strawberry, and I dived in.

I’d cried on the way home, but I’d been bereft since then. It was like I couldn’t bring myself to cry over Derek anymore. After all, I’d brought the whole thing on myself. I hated him the moment I saw him step up to Gran’s front door. I knew how much of a bad idea it was. Over and over again, we’d hurt each other. If only I’d sworn him off like I’d decided after finding out about Kasey.

But no, I went back for more. I convinced myself that Gran’s death was a new moment for me. She’d wanted me to be happy. She had always wanted that for me. Derek was the one I wanted. It had never been easy to stay away from him. Especially when he was the person who had been there for me after Gramps. A part of me wanted him to be the one to put me back together again after Gran too.

Instead, I’d put myself in an impossible situation and given my mother ammunition. She really had a relentless desire to ruin every single person around her. She’d even sent Gran to an early grave. That argument I’d witnessed in the hospital was the final straw in more than one way for Gran. Unbeknownst to me, she changed her will the next day. Cut my mom out of it for the bullshit she’d pulled in the hospital and Aunt Ruth for not ever giving a shit in the first place. One daughter who only wanted her money and another who lived in the same damn town and hadn’t seen her in more than a decade. Quite a pair.

By doing so, a part of Gran was cut off too. The doctors had bad news about her cancer. It had progressed much farther and faster than they’d thought. Gran didn’t have any more fight left in her. Nothing left after the destruction of her family. She’d given everything to me and Maddox, and then she’d left.

I wished she were still here. It was still impossible to think that she was actually gone. That I couldn’t call and ask her advice. To hear her on the other end, telling me something silly and somehow serious at the same time. The best advice that I never expected.

What would she think of Derek? Would she tell me I was a fool for leaving or that I was her brave little chickadee for having the courage to end it? The worst part was that she was gone, and I’d never have an answer.

I stared down into my ice cream, the game forgotten. My emotions were too close to the surface. Everything too fragile. I needed to get back into the lab and try to lose myself in work. That might help for a little while.

Lila snapped in front of my face. “Earth to Mars.”

I laughed hollowly. “Sorry. I guess I zoned out.”

“You want to watch something else?”

Cole made a sound of protest, and Lila flicked her gaze to him.

“Anything you want,” he said with a perfectly innocent look on his face.

“No, I’m fine. We can keep the game on,” I told them.

Lila opened her mouth to argue, but then the door burst open.

“Honey, I’m home!” Josie announced. She was all decked out in a black minidress and high heels. Her oversize sunglasses obscured half of her face, and her black hair hung down in waves nearly to her waist.

“You wore that on the plane?” Lila asked with a laugh.

“Some people travel in style.” Josie dropped her Louis Vuitton luggage and kicked the door closed. “Now, what the hell is happening here?”

I dropped the tub of ice cream and gave her a hug. “Pizza, ice cream, and football.”

Josie looked between Lila and Cole. She dramatically yanked her glasses off and pointed it between them. “I approve of what is happening here, but you’re entirely too cute for a girls’ night.”

Cole held up his hands. “Hey, I was told to help Marley. I didn’t know it was a girls’ night.”

“It’s fine,” I said. “Really. All of this is fine.”

“Fine,” Josie drawled. Her Southern accent coming back for a split second. “Delilah, darling, get the booze.”

Lila laughed. “Sidecars?”

“Just like Gran liked them,” Josie insisted.

“I really don’t want to drink,” I said as my two best friends promptly ignored me and rummaged through my apartment. Of course, I had everything for sidecars. I always did.

“Cole, honey, sugar these rims like you know what you’re doing.” Josie winked at him.

“I’ll pretend that’s not a sexual innuendo,” he said, shaking his head.

“It is,” Lila and I said at the same time.

We all burst into laughter, and for a second, as we worked together to make the drinks, I forgot the horror of the last twenty-four hours. Josie might have been ridiculous flying out here for me, but she wasn’t wrong. I needed it. I needed to forget. I didn’t want to face it tonight.

When the drinks were poured, Josie held hers aloft. “What should we toast to?”

I gulped and pushed mine up. “Gran.”

Lila and Josie both shot me looks of understanding.

“To Gran,” Lila said.

Then, Josie and Cole and I echoed it. We all took a sip of Gran’s drink, remembering her in the sweet taste of alcohol.

Josie squeezed onto the couch, complaining about the calories in the ice cream for a whole minute before digging into the pint. It was her job to stay the same shape, but it was nice to see her say fuck it for a night. We all did. It was better having everyone there together. Josie took up all the space in a room, which was good for me. I barely had to think at all.

“I should move here,” Josie said a few hours later as she lay sprawled across the recliner, tipsy from sidecars.

Lila and I laughed.

“Yeah right,” Lila said.

“I know. I know. Hollywood beckons,” Josie said dramatically. “But I miss y’all.”

“You know she’s drunk,” I said. “She’s resorted to y’all again.”

Cole grinned. “Welcome back, Josie.”

She waved her hand at us. “Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. But I like being here. Everyone in LA is so fake. They all want a piece of me, and I want to keep a few pieces to myself.”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with your divorce, does it?” Lila asked.

Josie sighed. “Guys suck.”

I nodded. “Seconded.”

Cole shrugged. “You’re not wrong.”

We all wanted Josie to move back. As much as I wanted it to happen, it never would. Just like me and Derek.

It had been nearly all evening before I let myself think of him again.

I stepped out of the living room with a murmured, “Bathroom,” and stared at myself in the mirror.

I hated this. I’d made my choice, and I fucking hated it. I wanted him back. I wanted this to be the right time and place. I didn’t want it to be like every other time. But I didn’t know how to change it. Or if it was even possible.

A knock at the door kept me from wallowing.

“Mars, want me to get it?” Lila called.

I stepped out of the bathroom in confusion. “Nah, it’s okay.”

Who the hell would be here this late at night? Probably some stranger who was on their way to someone else’s house. I couldn’t imagine any other scenario.

I yanked the door open and gasped. “Derek?”