Wanting by Lynn Burke

Addilyn

Ilay curled on my side, silence ringing in my ears. I stared at my bathroom door, my brain fuzzy and nose still stuffy from crying on and off all night.

My eyes ached, but at least the tears had eased up.

We’d gotten word the afternoon before that Gideon would probably be tried as an adult.

Devon lay in a coma, his brain swelled from Gideon’s fists.

All because of me.

Letting out a whimpered sigh, I rolled onto my back, rubbing my eyes. If I’d allowed Gideon to kiss me like I’d secretly wanted, the party wouldn’t have happened. The fight wouldn’t have happened.

Gideon would still be laying in his own bed, probably jerking off thinking about me.

I tilted my head to the side, and without giving it thought, I climbed out of my bed and shuffled into the bathroom. His door sat cracked open like he usually left it, and the truth of his absence on the other side squeezed my chest.

I pushed in his door and breathed in the scent of his soap, the masculinity that was all Gideon.

His bed sat unmade. Worn jeans on the floor beside his bureau. Blue T-shirt laying on the foot of his bed.

Swallowing against the ache in my throat, I moved forward and picked up his shirt. I held the cotton to my nose, filling my lungs with his scent—and my breath caught on a sob.

They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Whoever they are, they had it so damn right.

My tormentor, my temptation, my protector.

Gone.

Even being hauled off in cuffs, he told me to stay away from Devon. Always looking out for me…

Wetness trickled down my cheek as I pulled his shirt over my camisole, the arms too long, the hem falling almost to my knees. Curled up on his bed, I rubbed my face against his pillow while crying yet more tears.

I couldn’t handle it. Didn’t know how to ease the dull pain radiating outward from my chest or how to stop the tears soaking his pillow.

Why had I lied? Going to Jenny’s, sneaking out…

All of this could’ve been avoided if I’d just stuck to the truth like Mother always said.

Lloyd was a master at calming her. If I’d asked him if I could attend the party, I bet he would have talked her into letting me go.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

And now, it’s too late.

A hearty sob escaped me, and I buried my face in soft flannel-covered feathers.

Lost in my pity party, the dip of the bed startled me. Mother would have chided rather than touched my hair. I let out a loud sob and threw myself into Lloyd’s arms.

He held me like Gideon had, and I could almost imagine Lloyd’s arms were my protector’s, his strength becoming mine.

“Shh,” he murmured, running his fingers through my ratted hair.

I clutched at his sleep shirt, wishing it was Gideon’s soap scent sucked into my lungs with every inhale. Still, I was thankful to have someone to offer me comfort.

“What the hell is this?”

Mother’s shriek stiffened my body, but Lloyd didn’t release his hold on me.

“I’m comforting our daughter,” he said quietly, and I kept my eyes clenched shut, thinking like a child that if I couldn’t see her, she couldn’t see me. “Unless you’d rather offer her your arms?”

No reply. Big surprise.

“Head on downstairs for your coffee, darling,” Lloyd said, his soothing tone easing my insides even though the words hadn’t been meant for me. “I’ll join you in a moment. Promise.”

Lloyd always kept his promises—and Mother knew it as well.

He let out a heavy exhale and pushed me to arm’s length, his thumbs ridding my cheeks of tears. “Did you sleep, sweetheart?”

“Hardly,” I croaked, finally opening my eyes.

Lloyd looked like he hadn’t slept much either, the lines around his eyes making him appear older—but no less handsome. Tenderness filled his gaze. “I’ll talk to her. Explain that she misunderstood what was happening here, okay?”

I went for an appreciative smile, but my lips wobbled. A nod worked just as well, but another tear fell.

“Addilyn…” Lloyd cupped my cheek in his warm palm, and I leaned into his touch, so damn desperate for comfort.

“I feel…lost without him,” I whispered, my voice as broken as my heart. “And I can’t figure out why. He’s been nothing but a pain in my ass, driving me nuts. Leaving dirty laundry everywhere, wet towels on the bathroom floor…” Sniffing, I wiped my face with Gideon’s sleeve covering my arm.

“I’m always here for you,” Lloyd said.

“I know,” I whispered, trying for another smile while tilting my head up.

He glanced down at my lips and smiled too. “While I can never replace my son, I hope you’ll be my friend through this trial ahead of us.”

“I would like that.”

Grasping my hand, he patted it between the two of his. “I think it would be best if we keep our friendship from your mother. She’s…unwell and is already jealous of your youth and beauty.”

Considering he married a matured version of myself, I expected he thought me beautiful too. Warmth trickled in, replacing some of the coldness in my chest.

“That’s probably a good idea,” I said with a small huff of laughter.

“You need anything—anything,” he said, his tone low, one hand lifting to cradle my cheek again, “I’m here for you.”

I nodded, tears once more wanting to roll over having him on my side.

Lloyd leaned in and kissed my forehead, his lips lingering.

“Definitely don’t let Mother see you kissing me like that.” Another quiet laugh accompanied my whispered words.

He pulled back, chuckling. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Lloyd and Mother hired a lawyer who promised to call after the arraignment. I’d wanted to go, but Mother refused.

It was bad enough I’d rebelled outright for the first time. She wouldn’t have me exposed to a place full of miscreants and bad influences.

Guess she saw Gideon as one, even though he’d only been protecting me. Not that I opened my mouth to correct her. She buzzed from alcohol by the time the lawyer called.

Gideon had chosen to plead not guilty, and he was being tried as an adult for assault in the first degree. While I didn’t understand what that meant, it didn’t sound good. Mother hovered around Lloyd, not giving me a chance to get him alone to ask.

Finally, the day ended, and Lloyd caught up to me as I started toward the stairs. Mother was already in the parlor—probably pouring herself a drink.

“How are you, my friend?” he asked quietly, keeping his distance since the door to the parlor stood open.

“What’s going to happen to Gideon?” I asked rather than trying to explain the ache in my chest and the sourness in my stomach.

Lloyd’s lips thinned for a moment, his brow furrowing. “He’s definitely facing time in jail.”

“Oh God.” I swallowed hard.

“If the stupid boy had just pled guilty, he could have gotten a lesser sentence. They have the entire fight on video—he has no chance of winning this case.”

“He was just trying to protect me.”

Lloyd’s brow relaxed. “I know, sweetheart, but Devon’s dad said the video is conclusive. You weren’t fighting off Devon’s advances.”

“I wasn’t,” I agreed. Everyone and their siblings knew Devon and I had promised each other our first kiss.

“It was simply sick, petty jealousy that made Gideon act the way he did. Tell me…” Lloyd studied my face long enough that I shifted on the step, wrapping my arms around myself. “Did he ever…touch you sexually? Make unwanted advances?”

I opened my mouth to deny what he suggested, but Mother’s constant instruction to tell the truth rang in my ears. “He never meant me any harm,” I went with since I didn’t believe it to be a lie.

Lloyd’s lips thinned for a moment again, and I glanced down at the hard wood tread beneath my feet. “Addilyn, when this goes to court, if you’re called as a witness, you’ll need to be honest. Tell the whole truth, you understand that, right?”

“Yes, sir,” I whispered, hugging myself tighter.

“As much as I want my son back—” Lloyd let out a heavy exhale “—I have no wish for you to suffer, and lying to keep him from punishment will eat away at your pure heart. Please just do what’s right in the eyes of the law, and I’ll take his place in your life until his return.”

I could promise to speak the truth—but Gideon’s father could never replace him in my life, in my heart.

“Can you do me a favor?” he asked quietly when I didn’t agree to do what he’d asked.

Nodding, I finally lifted my head.

His eyes filled with the kind of emotion I expected my own father had felt for me before he’d been taken away. “Find happiness again, Addilyn. Focus on you, on your future. You’re too young to pine away for a man who wouldn’t have been anything but a bad influence on you anyway.”

Lloyd had known his son longer than I had so his words didn’t surprise me.

Gideon was a bad influence—of the worst sort, and yet I longed for him more than anything.

“I-I’ll try.”

“And one other thing.” He glanced at the parlor door and stepped closer, his voice lowering. “You need to keep to yourself until this is over. No talking to friends at school about this—even Jenny. We have to stick together since Sheriff Bradshaw holds the power in his hands. You understand?”

“Yes, sir,” I whispered.

“In order to protect Gideon, we need to stick closer than we have been in the past. Don’t listen to gossip, don’t try to correct anyone’s thinking. Trust his lawyer and trust me to help my son.”

He would—I knew it. Lloyd had proven himself, and nodding my agreement came easy, even though a shiver trickled down my spine like ice water.