Wanting by Lynn Burke

Addilyn

I’d vomited the breakfast and lunch I’d forced myself to eat.

My temples throbbed regardless of the Tylenol I’d taken.

Every muscle in my body strained tight beneath my skin, like a rubber band stretched taut and ready to snap.

My breath escaped in pants, and I fought for calm so I wouldn’t pass out in front of everyone staring at me.

I allowed myself another eyeful of Gideon sitting in a yellow-gold uniform, hair long and hanging over his furrowed brow. Blue eyes that heated me through regardless of the icy countenance on his face. Lips thinned and tight. Cords in his neck prominent as though he fought to sit still and not rush to spirit me away from the courthouse—from my heartache. My pain.

A sense of emptiness swelled inside my chest even as my heartbeat fluttered.

Longing fueled him. Need—and not just to be near me again, I expected. He needed his freedom and wanted to be by my side, same as I wanted to be by his.

Mother hadn’t allowed me to sit in on the trial, and Lloyd hadn’t shared much of what had happened during the morning hours. He’d simply given me a quick hug and kiss to the top of my head when Mother wasn’t looking.

“Just tell the truth,” he had whispered before releasing me.

Mother had glanced between us upon turning, and I couldn’t bear the accusation in her eyes. She had to know I wanted nothing to do with her husband. Couldn’t she see my devastation over Gideon’s arrest? Still, my gaze found the floor and had stayed there until I was admitted to the courtroom.

The feel of a million eyes shivered over my skin, but it had been the energy I recognized that lifted my head, kept my focus shifting over faceless bodies until I’d seen him.

Gideon.

My princess,his eyes seemed to say—

“Would you state your name…”

I tore my gaze off my stepbrother and struggled to focus on the prosecuting attorney. All that talk, those movies of meeting with lawyers to go over questions—they’d never schooled me on what to say once I sat on the witness stand. I was going in blind.

Shakiness settled into my muscles, and I struggled to find my voice when asked my name.

More questions came my way, ones requiring replies that didn’t hold any sway over the proceedings. I managed to settle into my seat, unclenching my fingers’ tight grip on each other.

“Would you please tell the court about your relationship with Gideon Destil.”

Easily done, also easy to be honest about, but I caught sight of Devon beyond the prosecuting attorney standing in front of me.

Shading still lay beneath his eye, but no other evidence of injury marked his face. He smiled his goofy grin, but I couldn’t find the energy to return the gesture, no matter how much I wanted to apologize for what had happened to him.

Lloyd had demanded I stay away from him in school, so I had. No chatting with him on social media either. We’d shared our first kiss—and hadn’t spoken a word since.

“Miss Reed?”

Blinking, I turned my attention to the frowning man in front of me.

My relationship with Gideon.

Yes.

Clearing my throat, I started from the beginning, telling the court about my stepbrother that I hadn’t been thrilled to meet. But he turned out to not be so bad, I assured them, my voice still shaking, my brain and lips stumbling over words.

He took me to and from school every day, watched over me like the big brother I hadn’t realized I’d wanted.

The first half hour passed easily enough as the questions pertaining to our relationship allowed me to paint him in a caretaker’s role, a loving sibling who always tried to protect me. My insides relaxed, and I wondered if Lloyd had somehow talked the prosecuting attorney into taking it easy on me and to not ask questions I would be forced to answer truthfully that might make Gideon look bad.

“Where were you on the night of March twelfth?”

Since I knew they had the two of us kissing on video, I didn’t even consider lying. “Devon Bradshaw’s.” My face warmed, but I refused to glance at either him or Gideon.

“Had you been drinking?”

Did the red cup I’d been holding while dancing get caught on camera? I glanced at Devon. He nodded, encouraging me to tell the truth—as the sheriff’s son, he couldn’t get busted for all of us drinking at his place, could he?

“Yes?” I answered, my tone suggesting more a question than truth.

“Were you aware of your surroundings?”

“Yes.”

“Do you remember taking a walk outside with Devon?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell us what happened from that point onward?”

Nodding, I laced my fingers together tighter on my lap to keep from wiping my palms down my thighs. Face hot, I focused on my white knuckles and had to spill the story about getting my first kiss. My back against the tree, Devon being gentle.

“You gave your consent.”

Not a question, but I nodded—telling the truth.

Devon’s attorney admitted evidence at that point, the very video I’d known about but hadn’t expected to see.

I sat, staring at the screen, my hands aching from squeezing them atop my lap.

A surprisingly decent video in black and white but with no sound appeared on the TV. A couple who was obviously me and Devon stood along the tree line, kissing, and a body barreled down the side yard seconds later.

I relived the absence of fireworks, the disappointment of a first kiss, and how the moment Gideon ripped Devon off me, my heart leaped in my chest. He attacked Devon like a man possessed, and I blinked, baffled as to why warmth spread through me, tingling between my thighs.

Devon fell to the ground, and I held my breath as I watched Gideon approach me, shove me against the tree by my neck. I gulped, my core clenching over his possessiveness, the memory of his rage, the pain from his grip on my arm that had turned me on.

Sick—I’m so damn sick to be aroused by this.

Gideon’s sweatshirt had been splattered by blood from the violence he’d unleashed—all because of protecting me or out of jealousy?

Our gazes clashed across the courtroom, the invisible string of energy between us snapping as our eyes held. Reliving the moment together. My pulse thrummed in my neck, and my nipples hardened to tight points. I swallowed back a whimper as the TV went black in my periphery.

“What, Miss Reed, would you say Mr. Destil’s actions looked like?”

Gideon’s face remained calm while I felt anything but. “He was trying to protect me,” I whispered, our focus still on one another, our hearts and minds seemingly in tune even though physical space lay between us.

“It was no secret you waited for and wanted a sweet sixteen kiss with my client,” the attorney stated, his tone hinting at sarcasm and making me feel like a toddler as I tore my focus off Gideon.

“Doesn’t every young woman dream of a sweet sixteen?” I went for with a forced smile, hoping to gain the female juror’s understanding, a connection they might consider when faced with deciding Gideon’s fate.

“So, in what way was the accused protecting you if you consented to Devon Bradshaw’s attentions?”

“Well…my stepbrother thought I didn’t want the kiss.”

“Did the video look like you didn’t want it—and had you given him any reason to believe otherwise?”

“Well, I’ve always dreamed of my sweet sixteen—”

“Yes, Miss Reed, you’ve already informed the court about your fairytales, but this isn’t about you,” the prosecutor stated, his voice hard. “This is about a young man attempting to beat another to death.”

This isn’t about you.

My own voice rang in my ears from the argument I’d had with Mother months earlier, stabbing me like a knife through the heart and stealing my breath.

“Tell the truth, Miss Reed,” the attorney said, causing me to blink. “Did he or did he not scream, ‘I’ll fucking kill you,’ before punching Mr. Bradshaw in the face as that video so graphically shows?”

My eyelids slammed shut. Tell the truth, one of the few things of value Mother had instilled in me. Lloyd had demanded it—suggested it would set us all free.

“The accused has stalked you since he moved to Alaska,” the attorney went on as I fought to find words. “Listened in on your phone conversations. Performed unwanted sexual advances. He pushed you for what he knew wasn’t legal in the state of Alaska at the time. Isn’t that right?”

The blood drained from my face. “Wh-what?”

“According to Jenny Lind—” the attorney went back to his desk, shuffled some papers until picking one up “—Gideon Destil forced you to your knees the same evening after the fight—”

Mother literally hissed from where she’d sat beside Lloyd after following me into the courtroom.

“He didn’t force me,” I hastened to correct the man, my stomach clenching tight as my fingers on my lap.

Jenny had spilled my secrets.

She sat behind Devon and his family, her head bowed.

“So, you willingly performed fellatio on the accused?”

Oh God.

I squeezed my eyes shut, swallowing against rising bile as Lloyd shushed my mother who whispered harshly.

The judge smashed his gavel onto his desk. “Quiet in the courtroom!”

His booming voice silenced Mother but not my mind.

What has Jenny done?

“According to Miss Lind’s testimony, you walked into the bathroom on Mr. Destil masturbating,” the attorney stated once given the okay to return to questioning me, and I cringed. “He asked if you wanted to help him…and you told him no.”

I couldn’t speak.

“He ordered you to your knees and threatened to tell your mother that you had snuck out to attend the party if you didn’t obey his command.”

“I-It was consensual,” I managed to rasp without vomiting.

“Giving in to a man’s lust due to a threat is not consent.” The prosecuting attorney paused while I fought to breathe, my ears ringing in the stifling silence hovering over the entire courtroom. “He has attempted to intimidate our client countless times, shoved him into lockers.” He continued spewing truth as I cowered in my chair, desperately trying to keep from heaving. “Mr. Destil told Devon Bradshaw on two accounts that if he touched you, he would kill him, and almost a dozen witnesses confirmed that fact earlier this morning.”

Throat tight, I couldn’t speak.

This isn’t about me…

“Do you know all of this to be true, Miss Reed?”

Closing my eyes, I swallowed against the dryness attacking my throat. I wanted to lie, needed Gideon free. Needed him filling space with me, feeling the fine hairs raise on my neck whenever he entered a room.

I longed for him in a way I’d never wanted anything in my life.

I opened my eyes, my gaze snagging on Mother, her lips pinched tight and her gaze full of fire that promised punishment of the worst sort.

Tell the truth, I could hear her thoughts, or so help me God…

Glancing to Lloyd beside her didn’t offer any comfort. His eyes held a softness Mother’s never had, and his small nod encouraged me to do what was right.

The pull to look at Gideon knifed at my chest, but I closed my eyes again, unable to face him.

“Yes,” I whispered the truth.

“I have no further questions.”

Shoulders slumped, I wanted to curl up on the chair and wither away. Sink into the floor, into darkness I wouldn’t have to crawl from to blink at the light. Telling the truth was supposed to set a person’s soul free, not tighten their chest to the point they struggled for breath.

I’d done the right thing, and yet the pain in the back of my throat… I’d betrayed Gideon, the same as Jenny had betrayed my trust.

I should have protected him like he’d protected me…

Unable to look at him or bear seeing his disappointment, his anger, I kept my head lowered, retreating into myself.

I’d never felt more alone, afloat in churning waters with no land, no hope in sight.

Weakness plagued me, and I longed for the strength of Gideon’s arms to keep me from drowning.

I feared I would never feel them again.