Mistakes I’ve Made by Jordan Marie

29Reed

One Month Later

“You always do that,”Callie says with a sadness in her voice that makes me hurt.

I don’t have to ask. I know what she’s talking about. I tilt my upper body to look at Callie. Her hand is still on the button of my jeans. We’re making out on the daybed, the stars above us, and just like every single time when things get this far, I freeze up.

“I don’t know what you mean,” I lie, hating the feel of it on my tongue. I never want to lie to Callie, but this one popped out before I could stop it. Then again, no one wants to tell the woman they love, that they freak out whenever she tries to touch them. I don’t even understand why I do it, so I really don’t want to explain it to her.

“Liar,” she sighs out, calling me on my shit.

“Bluebird—”

“If you don’t want me, Reed, you just need to tell me. Maybe all we were ever meant for is just being friends and if that is what is going on, I can deal. I mean, I can’t pretend it won’t hurt, because I want more with you, but at least if I know, I can face the situation head-on.”

“C’mon, Bluebird,” I mumble, rubbing my hand over my face. “You know better than that shit.” I grab her hand and move her hand down to cup my cock so that she can feel how hard I am. “I want you. I never want you to question that.”

“Then, what’s going on?” she says, staring down at me, still hovering over my body.

I know that I owe her an explanation. The problem is, I’m not sure I have one.

I force myself to sit up, and Callie does, too. She puts some space between us, and maybe that’s smart, but it’s not what I want. I reach out and take her hand in mine. Honestly, staring at our joined hands is easier than trying to look in her eyes and talk, so that’s what I do. I brush my thumb against hers, letting the movement and the feel of her skin soothe me.

“I want to explain things to you, Callie. I truly do,” I murmur.

“Then, do it. You’ve got to know that whatever it is, Reed, I’m here for you.”

“The thing is, Callie, that talking about it will hurt you, and that’s the last thing I want to do,” I mutter, pushing my hand in my hair, pushing it out of my face.

I need to get it cut but haven’t got around to it. Other than work and Callie, I haven’t bothered doing much of anything. Jake’s been bitching because I haven’t been around him either. We see each other at work, but he’s miserable and I’m not much better. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Callie and I are seeing each other, she’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m putting money back weekly, and soon I’ll have enough to put money down on a place or pay rent somewhere for months in advance. Things are more in control than they have been in months and Callie wants me—she wants us. I should be the happiest man alive.

I don’t fucking know what’s going on in my own head. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make Callie understand if I don’t understand myself.

“Hurt me how?”

“Damn it, Callie,” I grumble, and I find myself sliding out of the bed, needing to walk, to breathe, to be doing something—anything.

“Reed…” she whispers and the pain in that one word kills me, stopping me in my tracks. I turn to look at her and I hate that I’ve caused the pain I see in her eyes. “Is there someone else? Do you, I mean, Chasity…”

“Fuck no,” I growl, and I go back to her, dropping to my knees and leaning so my body is against her legs, making us more or less on eye level. “Don’t even mention her name. This, whatever it is, is not about her, Callie.”

“Then what is it, Reed?” she asks, holding the side of my face. “Talk to me, sweetheart.”

I take a deep breath, letting it shudder out of my body.

“I don’t remember anything about that night, Callie. There are just these weird splotches of memory and all of them—at least in my head are pictures of you—not her.”

“I…I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either. I mean, we had a bottle of tequila and maybe I drank too much, but I don’t drink a lot—hardly ever and I don’t remember drinking that much that night, but I guess I must have.”

“I don’t understand how what you did with her relates to us, Reed. I’ve had sex before and it was a huge mistake that never should have happened. It mostly did because I was hurting and yeah, sure there was alcohol, but I knew what I was doing. That doesn’t define me, though. It doesn’t make me want to stop finding my way with you. I love you. I want to be with you because I know in my heart, that no matter how horrible my other experience was, it would be a million times different with you because I love you.”

“I love you, Callie. I’m making a mess of this aren’t I?”

“Maybe just a tad,” she laughs, but I can tell she’s not serious.

“I think because I’ve seen what a fucked-up mess my father has made of his life and mine, Mom’s and Mitch’s as a result….”

“Reed?” she prompts.

“I just think I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for letting myself get in that situation. It sounds stupid, but I wanted my first time to be the opposite of what it was. I wanted it to be with someone I cared about. I wanted it to be with you and I robbed myself of that.”

“Reed,” she breathes.

“God, I sound like such a girl right now,” I mutter, and I can feel heat feel my face.

“I don’t think you do. Of course, I’m a girl, so who knows—”

“Gee thanks,” I grumble, making her laugh.

“If it makes you feel better, I wish I could take the one time I had sex back, too, Reed.”

“Does it make me an asshole if I tell you that I don’t like to think of you with anyone else?” I ask.

“No,” she responds. “I feel the same way when it comes to you.”

“So, we’ve both made mistakes,” I breathe, trying to come to terms with the chaos in my head.

“Yeah, I guess so. There’s nothing we can do but put it behind us and move forward together.”

“At least you don’t have to see your mistake anymore,” I mumble, feeling sorry for myself.

“What do you mean?” she asks, her brow crinkled as she watches me, her hands lying on my shoulders.

“I still see Chas in town, although I usually go the other way to prevent talking to her because seeing her just brings back what an idiot I was all over again,” I explain. “The guy you slept with is in New Hampshire, so it’s not like you have to see him again if you’re uncomfortable. You don’t have a daily reminder.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess so,” she says, looking confused.

It makes me a bastard, but I don’t want to see some son of a bitch she sleeps with every day. I mean I will and can, but it sure won’t mean that I like it. Where Callie is concerned, I’m way too possessive.

“I don’t think any of it matters, Reed,” she says. “You remember what we said, right? A new start. The past doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Yeah, I remember. I’ve been thinking that before you and I go that next step, I should get tested.” I feel her tense up and her eyes go wider as she looks at me.

“I… you didn’t wear a condom?” she asks, her voice tight.

“Fuck, I don’t know, Callie. I can’t remember shit. I didn’t find one, which doesn’t mean anything. I could have thrown it out of the truck. I didn’t look—”

“Uh…Maybe it would be best if we didn’t talk about the details,” she says, and I can see the pain on her face and hear it in her voice.

“Will you go with me?” I ask, and I know I’m pressing my luck, but I can’t seem to stop myself.

“With you?”

“To the clinic. Is that asking too much?”

Shit. What is wrong with me? Even going to the damn clinic makes my heart beat erratically and small beads of sweat pop out over my skin.

“If you want me there, I’ll be there,” she says, and I let go of a breath that I didn’t even know I was holding.

“I always want you with me, Bluebird.”

“Then, I guess we should probably hold off on the next step until you get the all clear,” she says and I nod.

“I think it will help me put everything in the past, Callie.”

Finally, I see her smile.

“Then, that’s what we will do, because I want that woman as far in our past as we can get her,” she grumbles and I kiss her, needing to reassure myself that somehow, despite fucking up so royally, I still have Callie in my arms, and she still cares about me.

That we have a future.