The Masks We Wear by Lee Jacquot
TWENTY FOUR
“Don’t forget to get a list of all the emails and learning portals.” My dad’s voice booms through the speaker as I finish plating my mother breakfast.
I nod even though he can’t see me and make sure I have it all listed on my day’s agenda. “Yeah, I got it, Dad. Anything else?”
He sighs, and I picture him scrubbing a hand down his face before scratching the stubble on his chin. He sounds as tired as I am. Thanksgiving break wasn’t as relaxing as I’d hoped—most of it was spent finishing things I wouldn’t be able to over the Christmas break. I uploaded the majority of my science data into the cloud so I could work on it anywhere and finished organizing some binders for next semester’s classes.
“No, son. I just want to make sure you finish strong, even with our new circumstances.”
A sting seeps from my heart, rolling around my chest and pinching the muscle. I rub at it absentmindedly, peering up as my mother meanders toward me. Her long gown is too big on her now, leaving the bone structure of her shoulders poking through the fabric. She moves slowly, and I don’t miss the way her thin arms trail across the back of the couches as if to help steady her.
“It will be fine, Dad. Mom’s up. I got to go.” I turn back to my mother, setting her bowl down on the bar. “I’m running a little late today, but I have your alarms all set, and lunch and your sticky notes all done. Your favorite shows are programmed and all on timers so you don’t have to worry about a thing. Nurse will be here any minute.”
Her lips stretch into a smile and relief surges through me. She knows me today.
“My sweet boy. You always take such good care of your momma. You’ll make some women very happy someday.”
I grant her a smirk, and a small chuckle. “I don’t know about all that, Mom.”
“Hush child. You’re perfect.” She reaches out a frail hand and I take it, grimacing when the cold extremity nearly shocks me. Her soft eyes scan my face and I feel bare beneath her stare. She’s always been good with reading me like a book, telling me things I didn’t know I needed until she said them. “You’re still sad about something.”
I try to smile but realize I can’t, and instead just nod.
She strokes the side of my hand with her soft thumb. “If you continue to focus on this hurt, you will continue to suffer, son. Try to remember, not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to tear everything down, so you can build something new.”
This time I do smile and release her hand so I can round the bar to embrace her. Imagining life without her feels impossible yet inevitable. Creeping closer to reality and pulling me further in the dark.
I struggle to breathe over the pain, restricting my throat and ignore the prickling at the back of my eyes.
Hold fast, hold steady.
After a few minutes, I grab her breakfast and help her back to the room. I set her up for the day and kiss each temple.
“I’ll be back soon. Please get some rest.”
She smiles and turns to her soap opera, stirring the oatmeal I know she won’t finish. “Be sweet, my precious son, and have a good day.”
I clear my throat, and softly close the door, locking her inside.
Just three more weeks. I can make it.
THE DAY LASTS at least ten hours, and by the time I collapse in the chair of our experiment room, I’m two seconds away from falling asleep. Lucky, or unlucky, depending on how I look at it, Lily appears on time.
A long black dress clings to her curves, showcasing every dip and arc of her body. I try my best to ignore the surge of blood to my dick and remind myself what a fucking bitch she is. How everyone in the damn school has a real fucked image of said dick, and she’s the reason I haven’t gotten any. And while the meaningless sex isn’t a huge deal, the distraction that comes with it, is.
I flip on the light and set the timer, focusing on the time as the numbers tick by. Today’s color is a soft shade of pink. It fills the room with a strange soft aura, and my pulse increases at the thought of the many ways today could go. The color is known to stimulate creativity and calmness, but once adjusted, can invoke feelings of agitation and passion.
The timer buzzes, and I start. “Hey.”
“Hey,” she mirrors, and it becomes clear neither of us want to be here.
All the better for me, I’ll make this quick.
“How was your day?”
She yawns, covering her mouth before examining her cuticles. “Long. How was your day?”
“Busy.” Which is a lie. It was fucking overwhelming. Even though all the teachers and counselors were kind about my situation, getting set up to take on the load, nearly caved my brain in. “How are you feeling?”
Her eyes flicker to my lips unexpectedly, and I shift in my chair. “Better. How are you feeling?”
Better? The phrase is loaded and I can’t lie and say I’m not curious. While I want to cuss her out for the posters from before break, and ask her what her fucking problem is, there’s something different about her too. She seems lighter maybe. Even her shoulders rest a little higher. Maybe she’s happy she fucked up all my dates?
No, there’s something else playing behind the shimmer in her eyes.
She clears her throat, and I realize I’ve just been staring. “Anxious. If you could do anything right now, what would you do?”
“Leave. If you could do anything right now, what would you do?”
I sigh, sitting back and think of the millions of things I plan to do instead of working on this damn project. “Rest.”
She scoffs, crossing her arms and purses her lips.
Yes, the busy queen bee of Emerald Falls has so much to do, so many people to command, she probably thinks rest is for the weary.
“What do you plan to do in the future?” I have no fucking clue why I ask her that.
Clearly neither does she. Her arched brows furrow and she taps a long nail impatiently on the desk. “Kentucky. I’ll be cheering there.”
“What happened to psychology?”
She huffs, inspecting a crack on the wall next to her chair. “Please spare me the lecture I know you have. Nothing is wrong with going to a school for cheer. What if I want to cheer for the NFL one day?”
Something close to anger bubbles underneath my skin, searing through my veins. “Football? You want these good ass grades to go shake your ass for a football team? Who the fuck has you wanting to do that? Blaze?”
Shit.As soon as I say it, I feel like an asshole, but I can’t turn back now. And while I do think cheer is pretty badass, I can’t stop the hateful words from spewing like a toxin.
Her chair screeches against the linoleum as she backs up, her teeth gritted as she hisses. “Don’t you dare say shit about Blaze. You don’t know him.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. But really, did he fuck all the common sense out of you? You’re going through all this trouble, and giving up your dream for something you can only do while you’re young and hot?” The once light pink hue in the room has now darkened to a red. Or maybe it’s the blood rushing through my head.
She’s let some dumbass fuck her and her head up, and the last bit of respect I had for her dwindles, burning in the flames of her ignorance.
Lily stands, her chest heaving from her own anger beginning to boil over. Her knuckles bloom white as she clenches her fists. “Fuck you, and at least Blaze didn’t leave me to fucking rot here alone, Spencer!”
Her words cut through me, slicing me raw. “Leave you? You’re the one who told me not to come!”
Rage spins through me, coating each nerve in pure fire. Beads of sweat roll down my temples. If she thinks she’s going to turn this whole thing around and play the fucking victim, she’s got another thing coming.
She did this.
She keeps doing this.
Lily’s head whips back, a humorless laugh shaking her body. “Are you kidding me right now? For someone so damn smart, how can you be so dense?”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Lily? It’s clear you hate my fucking existence. So please, enlighten me as to how any of this is because of me!” I’m standing now, irritation licking up my spine and tensing every muscle in my body.
“She’s nothing—no one to me. Just a summer friend that makes my summer suck a little less.” She spits the words like acid rain, and they hit their mark, searing into my chest.
The conversation is one I remember because I had it a million times. Every time I came here for the summers, William would give me shit about being pussy whipped over Liliana. When I was younger, he would call it sprung, but when we grew up and figured out that sexual desire was coursing through me, he changed the phrase. And he wasn’t lying.
I was.
I was head over fucking heels for this short, sassy, smart, brown head girl. The one that kept me up till two am in the treehouse reading cartoons, and watching scary movies. The girl who took away the pain of watching my mother slowly deteriorate.
She was everything.
But like any fucking stupid ass kid, when William gave me a hard time about it, I lied. I didn’t want him constantly calling me a pussy.
“This…” I pause, breathing slowly as I recall the time Liliana’s mood shifted one afternoon. She must have heard me talking to him somehow. “Is all because of a conversation you weren’t even supposed to hear?”
A bitter laugh echoes in the space between us. “No shit, Sherlock.”
“Lily. Why the fuck didn’t you ask me about it? I would have fucking explained!” I rake a hand through my hair, gripping it by the roots. “All this time.”
All the lost time over a misunderstanding.
I want to punch my fucking face in. “We were best friends, for fuck’s sake, Lily. I would have told you—”
“Told me what? Made up some lies, so I would forgive you? Make—”
“That I loved you! And I didn’t want to keep hearing shit from Will.” I bark, unable to keep the confession locked away. It’s the past, but it’s the truth. A truth she needs to hear, even if it isn’t the case anymore.
Her hazel eyes widen, and her mouth drops open but nothing comes out for a full minute. “What?”
“To which part? That I loved you?” I scoff, rolling my eyes. “Come on, Lily. Anyone with fucking eyes could tell I was crazy about you. Had been since the day I saw you climbing your trees with those yellow ribbons in your hair.”
Even as a kid, when my soul saw hers, it smiled. I just didn’t know what it meant back then.
She shakes her head, her gaze locked on the desk in between us. When she speaks, I think it’s more to herself than to me. “That’s not possible.”
I answer her anyway. “Yes, it is. I was, and if you would have just talked to me, all this could have been avoided.”
A hollowness expands in my chest and my feet move of their own accord, carrying me around the desk. I reach up, grabbing both sides of her face, and force it so she’s looking at me. Our breaths mingle, and my stomach clenches when I smell the sweet honey coasting off her lips, reminding me of their taste.
“Why didn’t you just talk to me?” She tries to jerk away from me, but I hold her still. She doesn’t get to run away this time. “Talk to me.”
Lily’s eyes fill with tears and finally, they spill over, running down her cheeks and dripping onto my wrists. “You left me.”
My entire body tenses. The sight of her breaking down cracks open a piece of my chest, surging around my heart and squeezing. There is something so much deeper than I can see, and even with everything that’s happened... I still want to see her. To fix whatever has made her feel like she has to wear this facade, because it can’t be just from me.
I rub away one tear with my thumb and she closes her eyes, leaning into my palm. Whoever we were ten minutes ago slips away, leaving two best friends who’ve missed the fuck out of each other.
“Liliana?” I whisper, and immediately I regret it.
Her fake green eyes land on me, and I can see Lily’s mask is back in place. She shoves my hands away and reaches for her bag. “Fuck you, Spence. You have no idea what I’ve been through. You don’t get to just say it was all a big misunderstanding and think that will make everything okay.”
My stomach bottoms out and bile hits the back of my throat. Without thinking, my hand lurches out, gripping her forearm and spinning her around. “And you don’t get to sit here and act like you haven’t made my life a living fucking hell these past couple months. Like you’re the only one that has shit going on.”
Lily’s hand moves fast but I’m faster, catching it right before it connects with my face and yank her body into me, crashing my lips on top of hers.
A combination of anger and hurt swirl in my head, making me dizzy, but the sound of her moans in my mouth push it away, replacing it with hunger. Her hands tangle in my hair, tugging it with such force, spikes of pain radiate through the roots.
I slam her against the wall, gripping a thigh that she wraps around my torso, bunching her skirt around her waist, and grasping the back of her neck with my free hand. We push into each other, forcing every piece of our bodies to connect. My dick swells, pushing through my sweats and into her hot center that’s pressed on my stomach. I can feel the heat through her thin panties and a growl rips from the back of my throat.
Her hands leave my hair and claw at the hem of my shirt, pulling it up until I disconnect from her sweet mouth and lift my arms so she can tear it over my head. I kiss along her jaw, nipping as I make my way down her neck, reveling in the way her leg tightens around me, drawing me somehow closer to her center. One of my hands roves over her breast, rolling over a pebbled nipple, while the other moves to her hips, my fingers digging into her soft side.
She tastes so fucking good.
Her smell, her perfect skin, everything about her in his moment wrapped around me strips away every thought. My head is mush, only able to focus on her writhing under me, aching to feel how much I want her. Lily’s whimpers are music to my ears as I work my way down, licking across her collarbone until my tongue finds her necklace. I follow it down until the charm scratches under my chin.
Then it happens. She rips herself from beneath me and is across the room before I can decipher what the fuck just happened. Her chest is still heaving as her hand clutches the necklace, pulling it back and forth.
I lift a hand, grabbing my shirt off the floor while keeping my eyes on her. I keep my voice steady and calm. “Lily, I’m sorry. I don’t know—”
“Just leave me alone.” She yanks her bag from the back of the chair, disappearing out the door leaving me reeling.
And as always, I let her go.
Because nothing meant for you, will run away from you.
