The Masks We Wear by Lee Jacquot

 

TWENTY SIX

 

One more meeting, three more finals, and five more days. If I can just last that long, things will get better. At least that’s what I tell myself for the millionth time while I pace the small room waiting for Lily.

She’s consumed my every waking thought, plaguing me with her words like a fucking virus in the body. They’ve attached to each cell, multiplying and moving through me, making me sick as hell.

I’ve forgotten to eat on more than one occasion, guilt swelling in my stomach when I think of what went through her mind when she heard me that day. How she felt.

Lily had shit parents—a dad that put work before his kid and a mom that locked herself in her room like it was an ivory tower. She would tell me I was the only one that understood her. Understood how it felt to be forgotten. To mean nothing to someone who was your world. Though our situations were different, I did understand her. And I did everything I could to show her just how important she was.

So for her to hear me say that she meant nothing… I scrub my face with my hands, agony swirling in my chest, seizing the muscle beneath.

All the shit these past few months seems trivial in comparison to how she must have felt. Because unlike her, when we parted ways, I still had a family that loved me. Parents that cared about me and pushed me. Lifted me up when I fell, gave me tough love when I acted out. And Lily…

She was alone.

The door handle jiggles, shoving my heart into my throat, and I press my body into the back wall to keep steady when it opens.

She steps through the door, eyes downcast. Her cream sweater hangs from one shoulder, draping loosely over a pair of skin-tight torn black jeans. She’s frustratingly beautiful, and today, she looks a little less… cruel.

Lily sits down softly at the edge of her seat, keeping her bag draped over her side rather than hanging it off the chair.

She doesn’t intend to stay long.

I sigh, taking the remote from my pocket and flipping on the last color—an emerald green. The timer ticks away, and the air around us thickens, filling with our mingling scents, and shuddered breaths.

My hands tremble at my side, and I have to physically push my weight on my heels to keep from moving. Anxiety works its way up my spine, firing electricity through my brain like a lightning storm. There’s so much I want to say...

As if she’s counted the seconds in her head, she begins a fraction before the timer goes off.

“Hey.” Her voice is hoarse, cracked like she hasn’t spoken all day.

“Hey.”

“How was your day?” Still, her eyes are stuck on the table, and never in my fucking life have I wanted to stare at those stupid ass contacts so badly.

“Busy,” I rush out, eager to get to the open-ended segment. “How was your day?”

Lily’s throat bobs, and she shifts in her seat, crossing her feet at the ankles. She keeps her back straight, but her shoulders deflate a little when she answers. “Okay. How are you feeling?”

“I’m sorry.” The words tumble out before I can stop them.

Her face snaps up, her eyes finally connecting mine, stealing my breath. Her mouth opens and closes twice before she mutters, “For what?”

Gripping the nape of my neck, I squeeze, unable to look away from her. “I...should’ve tried harder to figure out what happened to us. I shouldn’t have let you think that you meant nothing.”

Lily scoots back in her chair, folding her arms as if to hug herself. “No. Spencer…” she swallows, a light blush creeping across her face. “I think we both could have done things differently. I, for one, didn’t have to do all those things to you.”

“I understand, though. If I were yo—”

“Don’t.” Her voice is firm, and she arches forward to clench her knees, her knuckles blooming a bright white.

“Don’t what?” I breathe.

“Act like you understand anything about me or the reasons I’ve done things. You don’t know anything.”

I scoff, leaning back into my chair, slight irritation trying to push away the guilt I felt seconds ago. “I know all about you, Lily. I know you still dance in the windows like nobody’s looking or that your ears turn bright red when you lie. I know your favorite food is popcorn, but it’s also your least favorite because the kernels get stuck in your gums. Yo—”

“Stop. That’s superficial shit, Spencer. You are completely clueless as to who I am. The shit I’ve gone through…” Her voice trails off, but her nose flaring tells me she’s on the verge of crying or screaming. I’m not quite sure which.

Annoyance and frustration bubble up into my throat because, really, I want to know. I want to know everything. All the shit she’s had to go through and make up for all the times I wasn’t there.

But I know better.

What’s done is done.

I rub my temples, trying my best to push away the thumping against my skull. “I see you plenty, Lily. But what’s the point of doing this? It won’t change anything.”

Her breath hitches, and she blinks a few times as if I’ve said something off-kilter. A couple more blinks, and she’s able to grab at her calm composure. “Smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say. Are we done here?”

I suck in a bit of air, letting my pulse gain some type of rhythm before nodding. This is not what I had planned. Definitely not what I fucking wanted.

“Hmhm.” My answer is slow, drawn-out, only because I know what will happen when she walks out.

It will be the last time she does it. This will be the last time we are confined within the four walls, forced to fucking talk to each other.

This is it.

We will become two strangers with a few shared memories and a tragic backstory.

And I’m going to let her walk out because I’m not the type to force someone to stay. Or maybe it’s because I am a little weak after all. Unwilling to really fight for people because in the end… they can easily forget who you are.

But as I stare down at my twitching hand, and listen to my aching heart, rattling in my chest like it’s threatening to stop beating once she’s gone, I know.

It’s the first time I’ve been able to admit it. I don’t want her to go.

But I do.

I always fucking do, and today… I accept that whatever we had, is done.

SOMEHOW, I made it through the week and aced every fucking final.

Little by little, I’ve cleaned out my locker and connected with all my teachers making sure everything was good to go. Now, all that’s left is to-

“Hey, you.” Remy slides next to my locker, a soft smile curling the edge of her lips. Somehow she’s managed to pull half her dark locks up into a lopsided bun, and she looks more like a librarian than ever.

“Hey.”

“All cleaned out?” Her voice is low, somber. She tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear before rotating to put her back against the cold metal.

“Yeah.” My voice cracks, and I clear my throat in an attempt to cover it. “Look, Remy, it’s only till Spring Break.”

She sighs, hugging her latest romance read closer to her chest. “Yeah, I know. And it’s imperative. I’m just going to miss you.”

The slight burn in the back of my nose flares, hitting the brim of my eyes. The mix of feelings I’ve been having with finally letting go of Liliana and this impromptu trip with my parents has put my emotions into overdrive.

Dad says Mom is too far gone, and it’s becoming more dangerous to leave her at home every day, even with a nurse. They visited some places a few weeks back, and she’s checking in at the end of March, so Dad wanted to clear some stuff on her bucket list while she still remembers.

By this time next week, I’ll be in Niagara Falls, a week after that, I think Barbados, and then somewhere in Europe right after.

“I got you this.” Remy shifts to take her backpack from her shoulders, opening it and pulling out a bag. “It’s a few disposable cameras and a Polaroid. That way, you don’t forget to take pictures. Maybe give her a few, so she can look at them and…”

Her voice trails off as I grab her, wrapping my arms around her tiny shoulder. Despite the heaviness in my stomach, the comfort of her hug makes the air a little warmer somehow and the upcoming trip a little less bleak.

“I know I won’t be able to talk to you much, but please, for the love of all romance books, please don’t do anyone stupid while I’m gone.”

She rubs her eyes with the back of her sleeves and cranes her neck to look at me with furrowed eyebrows. “You mean something? Oh! Spencer, jeesh.”

Remy backs out of my hug, slugging me in the arm. Our bodies shake in unison as our laughter bounces through the empty halls. I’m going to miss these little moments with her. When the bell rings, it signifies more than just me going on a vacation.

It’s the last time I’ll hear it and head to a home where I’ll still have my mom. Losing someone while they’re still here is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

It evokes a type of pain deep in your bones. You feel it when you move, when you rest, when all you’re doing is fucking breathing. It wears away at everything else until all you want is to feel nothing. To be numb.

Hell, I’d sacrifice ever feeling happiness again if I didn’t have to hurt like this anymore.

But life isn’t that kind. It takes just as easy as it gives, and in my case, it’s taking everything.

Just another thing I’ve come to accept this week.