Paparazzi by Erika Vanzin
I stand for ten minutes in front of her apartment door before I decide to knock. In a normal relationship, I’d call before I showed up at her house in the middle of the afternoon, but she hasn’t given me her number yet. This might suggest she doesn’t particularly want to see me again, which should make me think twice about showing up at her door, but I couldn’t wait any longer. It’s been two days since I ended up in her bed, and I miss her so much I’m in physical agony. The guy in the apartment next door opens the door a few inches to scrutinize me from head to toe then he quickly closes it. He must think I’m a fool, and I certainly can’t deny it. I’d be thinking the same thing.
I inhale deeply and raise my hand to knock when it suddenly opens, and I find myself facing Iris’s perplexed face. “How long have you been here?”
“I just arrived,” I’m ashamed to lie to her.
“Strange, Dexter’s been restless for ten minutes. He usually gets agitated when there’s someone in the hallway.”
I forgot the nosy cat. “I don’t know...” my voice falters while she moves aside and lets me in.
I look around, focusing on details I didn’t see the first time because I was too absorbed in the woman who lives here. It’s like stepping into an alternate universe, compared to the rest of the building. The apartment is tiny. To my right is a pastel blue kitchen and on the left, a small loft with a double wrought iron bed, separated by a low wooden railing and a bar-sized table with two stools, I suspect from a bar in the area. What strikes me, though, is how much personality this room has. The red brick walls contrast with the pastel blue of most of the furniture and the green plants crammed along the two large windows on the wall in front of me. The furniture is clearly salvaged from around the neighborhood. Still, it’s all decorated and painted with so much creativity the room feels like a DIY Pinterest page that’s one of a kind.
“Why are you here?” She doesn’t sound disappointed, but I can’t see her face because her hairball cat is stuck between my legs and won’t let me go on if I don’t offer him a few scratches on the back. After a couple, he gets annoyed and walks away. I smile because clearly, he is the boss of this house.
“If I tell you I wanted to see you, does it make me sound cheesy, mushy…basically, like a loser?”
“You’re asking me? Don’t you have to keep the rock star facade up? Never show your tender side?” she teases with a laugh and motions to a cup of coffee she’s filling for me.
I gladly accept and sit at the only table in this small apartment. “No, actually, my behavior is swinging dangerously between a boy in love and a crazy stalker. Which do you prefer?”
“Boy in love? Aren’t you going a bit too fast?” She laughs amusedly.
“Look, the way a rock star’s life works, seeing a person three times in a row is like a marriage proposal for a normal person. Don’t underestimate the speed of this business.”
“Do you count the years in the same way you count a dog’s age?” She raises an eyebrow as she tries to hide an amused smile behind the cup.
I grab her gently by the arm and pull her toward me, making her settle between my legs. The contact with her slender physique short-circuits my brain, and I have a hard time controlling my body’s reaction. Her smooth, soft skin makes me want to kiss her endlessly. I want to worship her body until I bring her to orgasm and then start over again and take her back to the peak. The scent of her coconut shower gel almost makes my head spin. It’s as sweet as the cookies my mother used to bake, and right now, I’d like to undress her and taste it. It’s hard to stay focused on a conversation when my erection wakes up in my pants.
“Are you enjoying making fun of me?”
“I’d say yes,” she admits with a candor that makes her look even sexier.
“Okay, I wish I had a reply like something you’d read in those novels you love: super smart, sarcastic, and utterly captivating. But having you so close is confusing my brain. The blood flowing down to other parts of my body is not helping any.”
She bursts out laughing and gently kisses me on the lips, sending me into even more confusion. “So…why are you here?”
“I told you, I wanted to see you. After basking in the feeling of waking up with you, I can’t stay away anymore.” I look her straight in the eye and watch as embarrassment makes its way over her face. She’s adorable when she can’t hide her response to my directness. She’s used to being tough and sarcastic, but I’m starting to realize it’s a defense mechanism for protection.
“You tell that to all the women you sleep with.” It’s a statement, but I can see she’s looking for reassurance.
“I assure you, there’s never a second time with a woman. Nor do I go looking for a woman after having sex. And most of all, I don’t wake up next to her. I rarely even fall asleep next to a girl I’ve had sex with...let alone feed her demanding cat the next morning.” I smile seeing her blush. “I mean, I don’t know if you understand, but since you fell into my arms, I’ve been acting like a lunatic. Not even my friends recognize me.”
Her face darkens for a moment before lowering her eyes and letting her hair fall on them. As if to protect herself from her surroundings, from me. “What if I’m not the person you imagine? What if you were acting like a fool for a woman who doesn’t actually exist?”
I shrug and think about it for a while. If only she knew what I’m hiding. “Do you think I was born a famous rock star? Everyone has parts of themselves that aren’t visible to others, but that doesn’t mean that the part the person shows you isn’t real.”
A smile spreads over her face, and her arms tighten around my neck in a hug. Her lips rest on the skin of my cheek and then move toward my lips and stun me with a kiss full of a feeling I can’t decipher. I wrap my arms around her narrow waist and plunge my face into the hollow of her shoulder, into her shampoo-scented hair. I inhale deeply and get her sweet smell into my brain and chest, responding to my body’s need to have her.
I cover her pale skin with my lips, from her shoulder to behind her ear, savoring with my tongue what I’ve missed like air. She shudders under my touch, and when I stick my fingers under her shirt to undress her, she lifts her arms, leaving me breathless in front of her round breasts, which rest perfectly on the palms of my hands. I lower to kiss them, grabbing between my lips a pink nipple that reacts under the touch of my tongue. I can hear her moaning as she sinks her fingers into my hair, drawing me against her chest so I can’t escape. I lower my hands to her jeans and unbutton them, then tuck two fingers under the waistband, pulling them down with her panties.
I kneel in front of her, grab her leg and put it over my shoulder. As I sink into her with my tongue and explore her intimate parts with my fingers, I look up and find her looking at me, her cascade of red hair hiding her slightly reddened cheeks, open lips, and green eyes fixed on mine. She’s always beautiful enough to take your breath away, but when she comes whispering my name, dropping her head back, she’s almost a heavenly vision.
I get up and smile at her. She reciprocates by fastening her arms behind my neck and kissing me as if she wants to steal my oxygen. Her tongue slips between my lips, stroking mine in a kiss laden with an eroticism that makes the erection hurt inside my pants. She seems to notice it. She lowers herself, kneeling in the same space that I occupied a few minutes ago with a mischievous smile. She unbuttons my pants and slides them, with my boxers, down to mid-thigh without ever taking her eyes off mine for a second. She’s so sexy and innocent when she kneels in front of me, I could die of desire right now. How the hell did I last two days without her?
When she wraps her lips around my erection, grabbing it with her pale fingers at the base, I’m about to come like a kid for the first time. Her tongue moves sinuously, stimulating the spots that drive me crazy. Watching her head move to give me pleasure is an almost hypnotic dance, those lips slipping up and down my flesh, dictating a rhythm I can’t control. She accelerates, taking me to my limit, but then slows down to prolong the agony of so much pleasure it makes my legs tremble. I can’t resist. I close my eyes and lose myself in her soft lips, her tongue that caresses my erection, her throat I press against with every plunge. I can’t take it anymore, and Iris lets me come inside her, the feeling so intense I almost fall over and have to lean on the stool behind me. I never want this feeling to end. I wish I could lock myself in this apartment and make love to her every day of my life, losing myself in the emotions she stirs in me—like a junkie getting his fix. I can’t get enough of her. I want more of her, again and again, until I’m totally intoxicated.
I find it difficult to catch my breath, and when I open my eyes, I see her two immense green irises welcoming me. Her expression is almost curious, a half-smile on her lips that catches me by surprise. She’s pleased at her control over me.
I look behind her and find Dexter staring at us with what looks like a disgusted face. “I think we just shocked the cat.” I completely forgot the hairball was here watching us every single moment.
Iris giggles as she turns around and throws him an amused glance. “He’ll get over it...or tonight, he’ll kill me in my sleep.”
“The second hypothesis is more likely.” I hold her in my arms and kiss her on the forehead as we drag ourselves to sit on the bed. She’s so beautiful I’d like to make her orgasm again, this time between these sheets.
“Anyway, he’s going to have to get used to it, because now that I’ve found out what it’s like to have you naked in my arms, I’m going to spend a lot more time around here making you moan my name.” I kiss the tip of her nose as a mischievous smile forms on her lips.
“I don’t say your name when we’re in bed.” She laughs amusedly.
“Yes, you do, even if you don’t realize it. And it’s the sexiest sound a woman can make.”
“I’ll have to be careful not to say the names of the other lovers then.”
I turn to her and feel my heart clench. It never crossed my mind that she might have someone else, but it’s not like she’s my property. She can sleep with anyone she likes, and I can’t really stop her. But it hurts just thinking about it.
Iris bursts out laughing. “I’m joking, don’t worry. You should see your face. It looks like you swallowed a lemon.”
I hug her tight and start to breathe again. “Don’t joke about something like that.”
Iris gets out of bed and looks at me with a smile. She doesn’t seem floored by my reaction to the idea of seeing other people. “Not that I mind having you here, really, but don’t you have a super busy life? I mean, is it normal that in the middle of the afternoon of a working day, you show up at someone’s house?” She slips on her shirt again, leaving her pale, perfect butt uncovered and it makes me want to do anything but answer her.
“Damian and Lilly invited Michael and me to their house for dinner tonight. I’m wondering if you wanted to come too.”
“No.” Her answer is so sudden that a punch in the stomach would have hurt less. Her face is a mix of concern and terror—as if I’d asked her to go to war. Her jaw clenches and her eyes lower without meeting mine, making me realize her answer was not impulsive after all.
“Wow, I expected having to convince you a little, but your answer seems pretty final,” I admit, not hiding my disappointment. “Can I at least know why?”
I see her blush, slip on her panties, and I feel embarrassed with my pants still mid-thigh. How the hell have we gone from unrestrained orgasms to this total awkwardness?
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“If it’s because they didn’t invite you directly, I can assure you it’s not a problem. In fact, if you want, I’ll call Lilly right now to let her know.”
“No, I’m busy,” she replies dryly, and I can tell it’s a lie. But I don’t go any further. I have the feeling that insisting would make the situation worse.
The silence in the room suddenly got even more awkward. She steels herself against me, giving me her back, while she fiddles with something in the pantry that doesn’t need to be fixed. I pull up my jeans, watching her for a few minutes. I don’t know what I did wrong, but it’s clear from her demeanor she doesn’t want me around.
“I guess I should go...”
“Okay, bye.” She doesn’t even turn around.
I watch her for a few more seconds, the temptation to walk to her, turn her around and ask her why she’s angry is strong, but I feel hurt. I don’t expose myself like that to anyone, and her dry rejection stings. I go out the door and close it behind me without turning around, walking down the hallway until I get out into the open air and inhale thoroughly. It’s not enough to relax the grip on my stomach that’s almost making me vomit. I approach a side street, busier than where Iris’s building is located, and stop a taxi, ready to go home with my tail between my legs.
The sense of disappointment that grips my chest is almost heartbreaking. I thought I was more than just a celebrity fuck. Her body language, the way she asks about my job, I thought she was really interested in me. That we could take a step beyond just the random encounters. Am I seeing more than what’s really here? Because she didn’t give me the impression she was looking for a famous fuck. I was convinced she was really into part of my life that she’s loved from the start. She’s the one who managed to find our first demos on eBay. She should be ecstatic at the opportunity to get to know the band that’s made her passionate about music since she was a kid. I assumed that her fan spirit would win over the nervousness of a dinner with me.
I don’t think even baking cookies all afternoon can help ease the pain of her confusing, hurtful behavior.
*
“Can you tell us what the hell is going on?” Michael stares at me across the table, chewing on a piece of meat he just picked up from his plate, which, unlike mine, is now empty.
“It’s true. You’re particularly quiet tonight. Is something bothering you?” Lilly, next to me, rests her hand on my arm, her expression concerned.
I try to muster a genuine smile, but I realize I can’t do it when my jaw muscles tighten. “No, I’m just a little tired. There’s nothing to worry about.”
“We have nothing to do these days. How the hell can you be tired?” Damian points out amusedly while Lilly gives him the side-eye.
“He’s right. And besides, you don’t get this cranky when you’re tired,” Michael says.
I realize there’s no escaping their interrogation, so I put down my fork and let this evening take a turn that annoys me. “I asked Iris to come to dinner with me tonight, and she said no in a rather brutal way,” I admit.
The silence that descends over the table is unexpected. Everyone is looking at me with wide eyes and open mouths.
“I didn’t kill anyone, don’t look at me like that!”
“Excuse us, but you can’t drop a bomb like that and expect us not to be stunned.” Lilly smiles at me, but I see she is worried.
“What bomb? It’s a dinner, which I don’t know if you noticed, but she said no. I didn’t ask her to marry me.” The nervous laughter coming from my chest makes me think it would have been better if I hadn’t come tonight.
“Honestly, it’s like you did.” The smirk on Michael’s face floors me.
“It’s just a damn dinner!” I snap, annoyed.
“It’s a dinner with the only people you consider family. It’s like you asked to introduce her to your parents without even taking her out on a date.” Damian’s voice is calm, but it doesn’t hurt any less to hear the mention of my parents.
“You’re reading way too much into something that really doesn’t matter.” I try to defend myself. I never took anyone out to dinner. I never felt the desire. This is new for me too, and it scares me to death because without realizing it, I have reached the point where I am thinking about the future and haven’t noticed it.
“Look, there’s nothing wrong with falling in love.” Lilly’s voice is sweet, and she has all good intentions, but I don’t want to hear that word.
“I’m not in love, and I have no intention of being so in the future.”
She looks at me with a creased forehead and an irritated look. “What the hell is wrong with growing up and settling down with a family? It’s not so bad being in a relationship, you know?” She’s scolding all of us.
I look up at Damian and Michael and see that they’re putting as much thought as I am into her question. “I can’t speak for them, but I have my reasons for not being in one.”
“What are they? What could possibly be the reasons why you categorically refuse to open your heart to a woman? If it’s because you’ve been in prison, I can assure you that that’s something you get over in a relationship. You’re not criminals.”
I appreciate her optimism and stubbornness, but my story has nothing to do with Iris and the fear of losing her. It has to do with me and my past with women. I didn’t want this dinner to get so depressing. “It’s hard to trust again when the only woman you’ve ever fallen in love with is also the one who destroyed your life. Do you know how I ended up in prison?”
Lilly shakes her head, and I can see from her expression that she’s preparing for a painful story. After Damian’s story, she knows our past was anything but easy.
“I was thirteen when I met Rita. She was a beautiful girl, two years older than me, and she had her eyes on the loser boy with pimples, me. It was a dream come true, she French kissed me, let me feel her up...Christ, I wasn’t even fourteen, and she fucked me in her bunk bed one afternoon after school. I was in love with her, I felt invincible. I would do anything to keep her and literally did everything...including handing over drugs to drug dealers on behalf of her brother. I wasn’t even fourteen, and I became a drug mule. I’d carry packages of cocaine and heroin in my backpack and come back with wads of money the size of an encyclopedia. I did it for her because I thought she loved me for doing it. She made me feel important, indispensable to her life.
“Until they caught me, two years later, at an age when I could go to juvie. And you know what I found out when they locked me up? She had four other kids around, all my age. She made us so crazy over her so we’d do anything for her. I loved her. I trusted her completely, I put my life in her hands, and she made me into a criminal.” I look up at Lilly, tearing up, feeling my pain. “That’s why I find it hard to imagine I’ll ever fall in love again.”
Lilly moves toward me and hugs me hard. I feel the love she pours into the gesture, causing the knot in my throat to melt a little.
“Well, at least you didn’t ask her to come to the Metropolitan Museum’s Christmas fundraiser with you,” Michael blurts out, laughing and trying to lighten the tension.
I turn to him, and my embarrassed face betrays me.
Lilly’s eyes grow as big as the plate in front of her. “Don’t tell me you did. That’s a huge step— it would mean making your relationship official to the whole world. The paparazzi will be all over you.”
Events like Christmas at the Met are the hunting ground for gossip. Officially, you show up for an evening dedicated to a particular charitable cause. There’s endless small talk, toasts so fake they sound like movie quotes, and you give an avalanche of money to help someone you’ll never meet, making only your accountant happy because he can deduct it from the pile of taxes you have to pay. These are events advertised to exhaustion, where everything has to be perfect, from the way you’re dressed to the person you decide to take. Inviting Iris would have meant saying to the world, ‘Look, this is my girlfriend, and she’s beautiful as hell.’
“No, I didn’t invite her.” I chuckle nervously.
“But you wanted to do it, didn’t you?” Damian says, laughing.
“I thought I’d do it after this dinner...” I admit with incredible embarrassment.
“Christ, we lost him too,” Michael teases me amid everyone’s laughter.
“Stop, you two! You’re bad friends. Can’t you see how much he’s taken with this girl?” Lilly scolds them. “Maybe she felt embarrassed because I offered her the interview with the Red Velvet Curtains, and she doesn’t know how to manage the relationship outside the workplace. Or maybe she just felt floored by your proposal, you haven’t known each other for a long time... Or she was afraid to make you look bad with your friends, girls sometimes become so paranoid. You have to consider that you’re rich and famous and she’s a normal girl. Maybe she thinks that we’re used to glitzy dinners or something, and she feared feeling out of place.” She tries to cheer me up while my two friends just go on laughing.
“Lilly, don’t worry about me. She said no to dinner. It’s not a tragedy. And you arranged that interview because you’re as curious as a monkey and you can’t wait to meet her, so you’re going to ask her yourself why she refused. Don’t think I believed your ‘we have to reach out to fans who don’t read traditional newspapers’ story.” I laugh and try to calm her down.
“But you’re hurt. I can tell!”
“I’m just a little disappointed with her answer, but she didn’t stab me in my back. I’ll survive!” I smile.
“But it bothers you that she didn’t give you a chance.” Michael’s observation and careful scrutinization of the situation are out of character.
I think about it, trying to formulate an answer that doesn’t make me look crazy. “No one likes rejection. Yes, I was hurt, because I had assumed that she’d accept. It’s my fault.”
Damian frowns. “And she didn’t give you any explanation?”
“She said she had something to do, but I know it was a lie to get out of going... She seemed almost angry, and I can’t understand what the hell I said to set her off.”
“You have to ask her to clarify. Contrary to what men think, women do not get angry for no reason. Maybe you didn’t notice, but you did something that bothered her.”
I think about the conversation with Iris. “No, I’m sure I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“All the more reason you should go and clarify with her.” Lilly seems determined on this point.
“And tell her what? Sorry I set you off, but I don’t know where I went wrong?”
“Well, would you rather leave it like it is, without some explanation?”
“It’s not like I can go knock on her door every freaking day like some kind of madman. I’m already ridiculous!”
Lilly rolls her eyes and shakes her head disappointedly as my friends burst out laughing yet again.
I, on the other hand, can’t relax. This evening opened my eyes to one thing: I put my heart in Iris’s hands when I started pursuing her and didn’t even realize it. I’m terrified that one day she might crush it and throw it away, leaving me broken hearted. I couldn’t stand it, not again.