Tempting Him by Isabel Lucero

29

Jayden doesn’t usuallysleep in very late, but the alcohol has him still unconscious around eleven o’clock. I’ve already had breakfast and am planning for lunch while taking care of some work. Close to eleven-thirty, he strolls through the doorway, scratching the back of his head and squinting at the sunlight flooding the room.

“Hey.”

I grin, putting my paper down. “Hi. Feeling okay?”

He makes a face. “Headache mainly. Sorry for being such a drunk ass.”

“You weren’t as bad as you think.”

“Well, thanks for coming to get me.”

I nod. “Of course.”

He smiles. “I’m gonna go brush my teeth and put on some clothes. I’ll be back.”

“Okay.”

Nearly fifteen minutes later, he rushes in, phone in hand. “I have to leave. Apparently there’s something happening at the frat house. I need to be there.”

I get up. “Oh okay.”

“Maybe we can meet up before I see you at work tomorrow,” he offers.

“Yeah. Just let me know.”

He walks over and gently clasps his fingers around my wrist before wrapping his arms around me in a hug. “Thanks for last night.”

My arms snake around him. “Anytime.”

As he eases away, his eyes linger on mine and I can tell he has something he wants to say, but he holds it in. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

Once he’s gone, that empty feeling settles in. I had gotten used to being alone, but now I’m finding that I hate it. The silence has never been so loud.

After my realization last night while curled around Jay, all I’ve been thinking about is trying to make these last three weeks be the best they can. However, I still war between what I want to do versus what’s smart to do.

I know I have a lot to work on, and the past trauma will likely affect me for a good while, but once Jayden told me about internalised homophobia, it really triggered something inside me. My first instinct was to be angry. How could I be homophobic if I know I’m gay? But I did look into it, and some of it does register with me. Self-hate is a very real thing lots of people go through for different reasons, and I can’t deny that I hated myself for a long time. If I wasn’t gay, then my parents wouldn’t have treated me the way they did, and our relationship would’ve been better. If I wasn’t gay, those kids wouldn’t have attacked me.

I allowed myself to think I was only accepting those dates with women because my parents wanted me to, but it went a little further than that. I didn’t have to sleep with them, and I did. I wanted to test myself. I wanted to know if I could. I led women on, continuing to date and sleep with them, because I believed in the whole fake it till you make it thing.

However, I was still finding other men to have sex with, because that’s what I wanted, but it was always very discreet and usually with men who were also in the closet, because I knew nothing would ever come of it.

All of that to say, I’ve scheduled some therapy appointments for when I’m back in Chicago, so I can start to work on myself. I never understood the phrase, you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. I think I get it now, though.

I spend the rest of the afternoon waiting to see if I’ll hear back from Jay, hoping he’ll be able to come back over, because I really do have a lot I want to tell him. However, the hours pass, and by the time nine o’clock rolls around, I know he won’t be coming back. He has school, and I have work to get to in the morning. Usually, during the week, I keep our interactions short and minimal. He’s too tempting to have around in my office, especially alone.

At ten-forty, when I’m getting ready for bed, I get a text from Jay.

Jay: Sorry, it was a crazy day. We have several events to finish planning plus a community service project. Blah blah, boring college kid stuff to you, probably. I can’t believe I’m almost done with this, though.

Me: I don’t think it’s boring. I don’t know much about what you do when you’re not with me.

Jay: We party a lot. The stereotypical stuff, you know? Mixers and socials and other events. We’ve done a lot of work for the community, though. Raising money for charity and volunteer work.

Me: Sounds like you stay pretty busy.

Jay: Typically, but I enjoy it all. I don’t like down time. Gives me too much time to think. Haha

Me: I guess we’re similar in that way. However, I have been thinking about a lot more lately.

Jay: Oh yeah? Like what?

I hesitate to answer,because the truth is it has a lot to do with me, him, and us. Probably not a conversation for late night texting, and definitely one I’d prefer to have in person.

Me: Self-reflection, I suppose.

Jay: I see.

A couple minutesgoes by without either one of us saying anything else. When my phone lights up, I snatch it up.

Jay: I have a lot of work to do this week. I won’t be able to be back over there with you until the weekend, probably.

Me: I understand.

Jay: Which sucks because I know you leave soon.

Me: Yeah, I know.

Jay: Guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow.

Me: Can’t wait.

He sendsme an emoji of a huge smiley face followed by a black heart, and those stupid little emoticons have me feeling like a love-struck teenager. The smile on my face doesn’t disappear until I’m asleep.