Highlander’s Frozen Heart by Shona Thompson
Chapter Nineteen
Magnus had spent the first half of the feast talking to the lairds, ensuring that everything would go smoothly, and that his borders were secure. Then, he had spent the second half avoiding Adelleine at all costs.
He knew that she wanted to talk to him. She was trying to get him alone, to trick him or force him to talk to her, no matter how much he detested the mere idea of it, and Magnus did his best to appear unavailable, even as the lairds of the neighbouring clans were too drunk to care about deals and borders, even as he had already finished his negotiations with them.
Of course, the reason why he didn’t wish to speak to her was his own weakness. Despite the fact that he had made up his mind about the two of them, he knew that one glance, one touch from her would be enough to change his mind.
Adelleine was clever, though, and sneakier than Magnus would have thought. It only made sense that when he went outside to relieve himself, she followed him, and the moment he tried to return to the castle, she blocked his way.
For a moment, neither of them spoke. When Adelleine did, though, her tone made it clear to Magnus that she knew precisely what he had been doing.
“Where do you think you’re going?” she asked, “I’ve been trying to talk to you all night, you’re not going anywhere now.”
“Adelleine . . .” Magnus started, but then he didn’t know what to say.
He couldn’t outright admit that he had been avoiding Adelleine, even though she already knew it, and he couldn’t simply walk past her, as that would be terribly rude of him. He could only wish that the ground would open up and swallow him whole and put an end to his misery.
What Adelleine didn’t understand, it seemed to Magnus, was that he was suffering much more than she was. She was confused by his behaviour, of course, and he was certain that it saddened her to know that nothing would happen between them, but Magnus was the one who had to keep fighting his feelings. He was the one who had found love after all those years of being alone and grieving for his late wife, and he was the one who constantly had to live with the knowledge of how happy he could have been if things were different.
“What, Magnus?” Adelleine asked, hands on her hips as she stared him down, “What? Will you tell me that we can’t be together again? I’ve heard that, but I haven’t heard why.”
That was fair enough, Magnus thought. Indeed, he had never given Adelleine a proper reason, but he could hardly tell her that he was keeping her at arm’s length because he was afraid of getting hurt or that his son would get hurt once more. Even in his head, it sounded like an irrational reason, but he simply couldn’t bring himself to risk it.
“It is what it is, Adelleine,” he said instead, giving her a small shrug, “Perhaps I dinnae feel the same way about ye as ye do for me.”
“Perhaps you’re lying,” Adelleine said, immediately calling him out on it, “Perhaps you’re only saying this so I will leave you alone.”
Magnus sighed, a hand coming up to rub his face. “What do ye want from me?” he asked her, “What do ye want me to say? Why do ye have to make everythin’ so much harder than it has to be?”
“Why do you?” Adelleine asked without a moment of hesitation, “How am I the one who is making everything difficult? You’re the one who won’t admit his feelings.”
“I told ye, I dinnae have any feelings for ye,” Magnus insisted, “Nae in that way.”
“No?” Adelleine asked, and it sounded like a challenge.
Magnus had only a second to wonder what she was going to do before she grabbed him and kissed him, her lips bruising against his own. After that, it was impossible for him to control himself anymore, to put a stop to it.
He grabbed Adelleine by the hips, pushing her against the nearest wall as they kissed. His hands were just as bruising as Adelleine’s lips, holding her as though he feared that she would suddenly slip away right through his fingers, his lips trying to say through the kiss everything that they couldn’t say with words.
Adelleine moaned, a low, rumbling sound, and it was that which broke the spell, sending Magnus all but flying backwards, trying to put as much distance as he could between them with a single step. They were both out of breath, chests heaving and eyes glazed over, but Magnus kept reminding himself why he had stayed away from Adelleine in the first place.
“I’m nae the man for ye,” he said, voice strained as he tried to force the words out of him, “I’m nae the man ye need. I . . . I cannae be with ye, Adelleine. I cannae let meself want ye and ye dinnae deserve this kind of treatment. Leave me be, I beg ye. Dinnae tempt me any more than I can take. I dinnae wish to have ye wait for me. I dinnae wish for ye to try and make me yers, because I simply cannae allow it. Go . . . go and live yer life.”
The look that Adelleine gave him was one of utter betrayal, and a part of him broke when he saw it. He would have never thought that there was anything of his heart left to hurt, but there he was, hurting himself and Adelleine in the process.
“Fine,” Adelleine all but growled.
She gripped her skirt in her hands and stomped back to the castle, not giving Magnus another look.
Magnus let his body slump against the wall. He had done the right thing, he was certain of that. And yet, he had never felt more guilty in his life. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had ruined something precious, and that nothing would be the same anymore.
With a heavy sigh, he pushed himself off the wall and made his way back to the castle, too, even though he was in no mood for festivities. The lairds expected him to be there, and his duty was more important than grieving for a relationship that hadn’t even properly begun.
The moment he stepped foot back into the great hall, though, Magnus was confronted with a sight that stopped him dead in his tracks and left him gaping at Adelleine.
She was talking to a laird, Lachlan MacNair, and the two of them stood awfully close to each other. The man had his hand on her arm in a possessive, greedy manner, and Magnus could see them laughing, seemingly delighted with each other’s company.
Magnus didn’t say a single thing as he walked by them and sat down on his chair. He proceeded to watch them, a pout on his face as they became more and more familiar with each other, and he couldn’t help but wonder how Adelleine had moved on so quickly.
She was flirting, that much he could tell.
Then again, he had been the one to tell her that she should leave him alone and live her life. He had been the one to put an end to whatever it was that there had been between them, and yet he was sulking like a boy, infuriated by that turn of events.
“Ye look like someone kicked ye in the privates,” Hendry said, as he plopped himself down next to Magnus, handing him a cup of wine. Magnus took it gratefully, draining the entire thing in one sip.
“Aye,” he said, “Is it that obvious?”
“Och, it’s verra obvious,” Hendry said, “Is it all because of the lass?”
How could Magnus deny that? Even if he did, it would be a clear lie, and Hendry wouldn’t let it go until Magnus had admitted the truth.
“Aye,” he said, accepting his defeat, “Aye . . . look at her. I . . . I told her to leave me alone, to forget everythin’ that happened between us, but I didnae think . . .”
“Ye didnae think that she’d do it?” Hendry asked, raising a curious eyebrow at Magnus, “What? Ye thought that she’d wait for ye to change yer mind, even though ye specifically told her to leave ye alone?”
“Aye.”
It was foolish of him, Magnus knew that. But a part of him, a selfish part, had held out hope that she would never love another man.
“Forgive me, m’lord, but yer a fool.”
“Aye. I dinnae need ye to tell me that,” Magnus assured him, “I need ye to tell me what to do.”
“Anythin’ that ye can to win her back,” Hendry said with a small shrug, “How long will ye be sad? How long will ye punish yerself?”
It was a good question, and one that Magnus didn’t know how to answer. Hendry was right, he knew. It wasn’t just the safety of being alone that urged Magnus to push Adelleine and every other woman away. It was also his guilt, his belief that somehow, he was to blame for his late wife’s death.
“I dinnae ken what to tell her,” Magnus admitted, “I just told her, only minutes ago, that I’m nae the man for her. What am I supposed to do? Tell her that it was all for jest?”
“Tell her that yer sorry,” Hendry said with a small shrug, “Fall to yer knees, beg for her forgiveness . . . anythin’ that it takes for her to feel sorry for ye and take ye back.”
“I dinnae want her to feel sorry for me,” Magnus said with a roll of his eyes, “I want her to be with me because she wants to.”
“Of course she wants to,” Hendry assured him.
“How can ye ken?”
“Wouldnae ye say that I ken lasses better than ye?” Hendry asked, “I’ve turned it into a study, ye see, and I can always tell when a lass fancies someone. That,” he said, pointing at Adelleine who was dancing with the other laird, blissfully oblivious to the conversation that Magnus and Hendry were having, “is all a lie. She’s glanced at ye more than she’s looked at her dancing partner, and I dinnae think that it’s a coincidence. She’s over there, dancing with that bampot just to get yer attention.”
“That’s Laird MacNair yer callin’ a bampot,” Magnus reminded him, “Perhaps ye should be a little more polite to him.”
“He cannae hear me, can he?” Hendry pointed out, “Ach, I never liked the man.”
“Ye never liked him because he always had more lasses after him than ye did,” Magnus said, and though he was teasing Hendry, it didn’t mean that it wasn’t also true. Hendry was a handsome man, more so than Laird MacNair, but he was no laird. It didn’t matter how handsome he was when he didn’t have the same title as his rival.
“Those days are behind me,” Hendry assured him, “Long behind me. I dinnae care what any lass thinks about me the noo.”
“Och?” Magnus asked, suddenly intrigued, “And why is that? What kind of world do we live in where ye, Hendry, dinnae care about what lasses think of ye?”
“A world in which I’m in love,” Hendry said, “There’s only one lass for me noo.”
All Magnus could do then was stare at Hendry with wide eyes, blinking a few times in surprise. He would have never thought that any woman could make him settle down. He would have never thought that Hendry would ever fall in love, and merely hearing about such news made his brain stop working.
“Dinnae look so surprised,” Hendry said, “I am capable of love.”
“I ken that ye are,” Magnus said, “Very much so. I just didnae think that ye’d save all yer love for just one lass.”
“What can I say?” Hendry shrugged, and then he stood from his chair, giving Magnus a pat on the shoulder, “People change. I found a lass who changed me, and so have ye. Ye should follow yer heart, m’lord. Ye should go and talk to her.”
With that, Hendry was gone, and Magnus was left to wonder not only who the woman with whom Hendry had fallen in love was, but also what he was supposed to do to win Adelleine back. Should he jump in and interrupt her dance? Should he wait and talk to her after the feast?
His gaze searched for Hendry, hoping that if the man saw the desperation in his eyes, he would come back and tell him what to do. All he needed was some guidance, a sign to point him to the right direction.
When Hendry noticed him, he nodded furiously towards Adelleine, and Magnus took that as his sign. He stood from his seat, taking a deep breath as he gripped at the table, his knuckles turning white under the pressure. Then, he marched up to the two of them, blocking Laird McNair’s way.
“Laird McNair,” he said, in that stern tone that he usually reserved for the times when Fergus was misbehaving, “If ye’ll excuse me, I need to speak to Adelleine.”
“Cannae it wait?” Laird McNair asked, his tone much more hostile than Magnus would have liked, “We’re in the middle of a dance, ye see, Laird MacRestus.”
“It’s about me son.”
It was not the most morally sound excuse that he could find, but it worked. Adelleine immediately let go of the laird, giving him an apologetic smile as she followed Magnus towards the door.
“Forgive me, Laird McNair!” she called back over her shoulder, “I’ll be back!”
Magnus truly hoped that she wouldn’t be back. He hoped that he could convince her to stay away from that man, and from any other man, in fact; any man who wasn’t him.
“What’s wrong?” Adelleine asked, as Magnus led her up the stairs and towards his chambers. It seemed like the only place where they could sit and have a conversation without being interrupted, and he certainly didn’t want any interruptions. “Is Fergus alright?”
“This isnae about Fergus,” Magnus said, “I lied to get ye out of there.”
He would never forget the look that Adelleine gave him then. There was betrayal there, he could tell, but also suspicion, and something told him that Adelleine suspected correctly. She was a clever woman, after all, more perceptive than his best warriors at times.
It was that look which gave him pause and made him stop in the middle of the corridor, wondering whether he had made a big mistake.
