Sinful Kisses by Emily Bowie

CHAPTER 37

My hands rub at each other on the silent ride back to my home. I should be excited and grateful for everything they would have gone through to find me. The guilt I carry for not wanting to be found has my heart pounding hard. Each thump is a solid rock to the chest.

Our entire house is waiting for my return. I’m out of my element, unsure how to act. It’s all sensory overload. My mother is full of tears as she hugs me. My sisters Aria and Luna are next in line. Everyone is shedding tears for me. I don’t deserve a single one of them.

“Where’s Katrina?” I ask, noticing her absence. My mind races that they lied to me. No one answers my question.

My mother kisses me on the forehead. “We’re just so happy to have you home.” She smiles with sad eyes but tries to cover it up.

I’m passed to each of my sisters.

“I thought I’d never see you again.” Aria squeezes me tight. “Kane searched everywhere. Tracked down every lead he could. I’m so happy you’re safe.”

Luna embraces me next. Her hold is tight around my body. It has my skin dewing with the unease of walls closing in. It makes no sense, because we’re outside.

“I’ll murder them if they hurt you. Do I need to go out and play tonight?”

I shake my head, tears gathering in my eyes before rolling down my cheek. I was so nervous about them hating me and being angry that I wasn’t expecting the warm welcome they’re giving me. More tears burn my eyes, and I attempt to fight them off.

“You look different, unreserved,” she observes.

When she lets me go, it gives me enough room to breathe before I’m in another person’s arms. Alfonso holds me, kissing my forehead. It feels forced. The adoration I once had for him is no longer there.

“I’m sorry I let this happen,” he whispers into my ear. “I’ll never let you down again.”

I pull away enough to look him in the eye. “This had nothing to do with you. You didn’t let me down.” Alfonso will always be loyal to me and my family. It’s who he is. The old me would have accepted his apology and believed I deserved his words. Not anymore.

Everything that happened was because of my actions. No one else’s.

He presses his lips to mine, and a jolt of electricity no longer runs through them. It’s friendly and polite. Completely platonic.

“I should have never stayed in your way of marriage.” My father’s loud, powerful voice sounds around us. It has my heart rate spiking. Alfonso rubs his hands down my arms, and I pull away.

“I’m not marrying Alfonso,” I announce.

“It’s what you wanted since you were sixteen.” My father looks shocked. His eyes crinkle in confusion.

“Business can wait, Nicoli.” My mother smiles down at me, saving this discussion for a better time.

“Is Katrina dead?” I can’t handle not knowing anymore.

My mother pulls me into her shoulder and walks me into the house. “No, dear, she’s alive.”

“Why won’t anyone talk about her?” My feet stop once we’re inside, and no one has followed.

“We had to send her away. She needs help that is impossible to give her here.”

“She’s at a rehab center?” I hope she can find the inner strength to stay clean. I hate how drugs have destroyed her and the relationships that surround her.

My mother’s eyes tear up, and she takes a shaky breath. “It’s a little more complicated than that.”

I pull away, needing to know what happened to my sister.

“Sit down.” She nods toward the couches.

I do as she says. My body shakes, already knowing I’m not going to like what is coming.

“Katrina was dead for about thirty seconds before she could be revived. After she overdosed and you never came home, she was a wreck. She wasn’t herself. She fixated on Luna. Saying horrible things, blaming her for you being missing.”

“Why would she blame Luna?”

“No one knows. Then one night, she attacked her. We had to restrain Katrina to stop her from hurting anyone, including herself. She’s getting the help she needs.”

“Can I see her?”

“Not yet, darling. Each time one of us tries, we set her back. The center has asked that we don’t visit, because it’s too hard on her.”

“Can I write her a letter?”

“I’m sure you can.” She squeezes my hand. “I have fresh bread and garlic butter in the kitchen.”

The last thing I want to do is eat. I’m exhausted. My emotions are being pulled in every direction. I need time to myself. Time to figure out who the hell I am. This is the fresh break I need.

“Honestly, Mom, I just want my bed right now.”

“Okay, darling.”

I leave my mother to walk up the stairs toward my bedroom.

My room is pink and fluffy. It reminds me of a child’s room. My medals and trophies from cheer line one of my walls. It all seems insignificant. There are pictures of Alfonso and me on my dresser. I study our body language in the pictures. Each photo reminds me of what a great friend he’s been, but nothing about them says he loves me.

He possesses nothing that Romeo has. There’s no fire or urgency. I completely understand now. Neither of us had that spark. We fell into this pattern since we’re best friends while accepting our arranged marriage. I have never been known to rock the boat and go against anything my father has set out for me.

My mind wanders back to Romeo. The passion we shared made me high for him. A single touch would have me panting, forgetting everything but what he can do for me. In the end, all my brother had to do was offer him a piece of territory. Not even land. Just a place they can call theirs. That was my worth to him.

My stomach bottoms out at the realization that I wasn’t enough for him. It doesn’t matter that I planned to leave him anyway. I suppose I expected him to never let me go. It didn’t matter what I said or did. I like when Romeo demands things from me. I wanted to stay but didn’t want his death on my shoulders.

Romeo should be home by now. He must be on cloud nine, realizing that he did the impossible. He had my brother agree to give a Mancini more territory. I wonder if he’s planning his revenge for my betrayal. He’ll see my actions as that. I did what everyone in his life has. I refused to believe in him by not choosing him.

It’s for the best; I know this. At least in my mind I do. My heart is battling over it. With my sacrifice, he will finally reach his dreams. No, that’s not entirely true. He reached his dreams because he had the drive to make them happen.

My stomach doesn’t settle down for the rest of the night. It whooshes each time I think of Romeo. He’s better off without me. I’d be nothing more than a liability to him.

I try to blink the wetness from my eyes, but it has my tears raining down my cheeks faster. I cry so hard I can taste my salty tears in my mouth. I miss Romeo. I already know I made the wrong choice by not fighting for us.

The next morning, my eyes are swollen from not sleeping. I refuse to come out of my room. My mother keeps piling baked goods into my bedroom, each one causing my stomach to bottom out when I glance at them.

I can’t find the energy to move when I know my life will never be the same. What I want can never happen. There’s no alternate universe where my father would allow Romeo Mancini to be with me.