Where You Can Find Me by Fiona Cole
30
A roaring soundpounded through my skull as my body struggled to pull itself out of the heavy darkness weighing me down, refusing to let go. Where the hell was I? My subconscious dreams warred with the other part of my brain, struggling to wake up, fighting to determine reality. I arched my back and stretched from my curled toes to my extended fingers over my head. I flopped my limbs and let them fall out of the stretch. I kept my eyes closed and breathed deeply through my nose, trying to place my last thoughts. It was one of those mornings that you had such a deep sleep that everything felt like a blur.
“Luella,” Jack whispered. Before I rolled over to acknowledge him, I stretched one more time and rolled my wrists, feeling thick cuffs around them. My eyebrows scrunched, trying to place what was around my wrists. When I couldn’t figure it out, I tried to bring my hands to my face and see what it was. They wouldn’t move. When I tugged my arms down, the pressure increased. My eyes flicked open, and I jerked my head up to see a rope around my wrists. I tugged again frantically, trying to get my mind to catch up to my surroundings.
My body felt weak and lethargic, and I struggled to assimilate everything into the moment. My breathing became erratic and fast, moving in and out of my nose. I tried to breathe deeply through my mouth and encountered a thick fabric gag between my lips. I hadn’t noticed it, and when I did, I began to panic. Cries started strangling out of my throat, and tears burned the back of my eyes.
I couldn’t swallow.
I couldn’t move my tongue enough.
I was going to choke on my tongue.
I couldn’t breathe deep enough.
I was going to suffocate.
Where was I? What the hell was going on? I squirmed my limp body on the bed and squinted my eyes shut. Something niggled at the back of my brain, trying to remind me where I was, but the panic wrapped around my neck and squeezed until I choked on the fear. Adrenaline shot through my body; shockwaves started in my chest and ended in my fingertips, making my heart skip a beat along the way.
“Luella.” I heard my name but was too far gone to process it. “Luella, stop.” My name rang with a more persistent whisper. Deeper. More commanding, urging me to listen. “Luella, baby. Breathe through your nose. Listen to my voice. You’ve got this, baby. You can do this. Control your breathing. Hear me.”
Jack.Jack was there with me. I let his words guide me out of the dark, and I listened to his instructions. I breathed in through my nose and forced a hard breath out, trying to lower my heart rate.
“That’s it, baby. Calm down. Deep breaths.”
I finally relaxed enough to squint my eyes open and looked toward the sound of his voice. The shadowed room hid the details, but I could make out Jack from the light filtering into the room from the moon and under the door. I turned my head again and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to remember what was going on.
Grayson.
The images flooded back of Grayson smiling calmly at me with hollow eyes, and Jack falling to the floor from being tased. The photo album came back with a punch to the gut, and bile began to rise up. I just barely forced it down, knowing I would choke on it with the gag in my mouth. Tears fell from the corners of my eyes into my ears. I tried not to let Jack hear me, but my fear made it impossible to control.
“Shhh, baby. It’s fine. We’ll get out of this.”
I opened my wet eyes to look at Jack, and I could see more clearly as they adjusted to the darkness. We were in Grayson’s bedroom, and Jack looked to be tied to a chair. Blood darkened his left temple as it dripped down to his sharp cheekbones. My eyes roamed him to look for any other noticeable injuries and saw he was stripped to nothing. His ankles and just below his knees were tied to the legs of the chair. His arms stretched behind him, and I could make out a rope around his chest.
Through the darkness, my eyes landed on his, and through him, I found calm. I didn’t know how long it would last, and I didn’t care. I tried to memorize the feeling because I knew I would need it in the near future. The effects of shock and the drugs began to wear off, and I tried to mentally feel every part of my body to search for my own injuries.
The first thing I noticed was that I was naked except for my underwear. Another spike of fear made my heart leap and nearly stop beating, but I turned to look at Jack’s eyes and reminded myself I wasn’t alone. The next thing I noticed was my legs tied to each corner of the bed and something stiff, keeping my ankles apart. I lifted my head, trying to see what it was. A black thin pole with straps on each end attached to my ankles that also had rope securing them to the bed.
“It’s a spreader bar.” His deep voice held an empty hollowness to it that rang with defeat. I turned to look at him, and his eyes couldn’t hold mine as they dropped to the floor. A new wave of uncontrollable fear sprang to my eyes as I remembered the pictures from the book. The girl being raped.
Being tied to a bed without any clothes on is hard. Your mind can wonder with all the possible outcomes and leave you hoping for the best. Maybe, at least, hope for a quick death. But knowing your fate. Having seen previous victims fucked with my mind in ways I couldn’t prepare myself for. I scrunched my eyebrows tight and dug deeper than I ever had for a strength I wasn’t sure I possessed. My breaths hiccupped out of me as I fought from the panic. I couldn’t panic. “Okay … okay.” The words came out muffled behind the cloth gag.
I looked back at Jack and said it again. “Okay.” My chest heaved more than I could control, but if we wanted to at least give this a fighting chance of making it out alive, we had to be strong.
Fake it until you make it, right?
“Luella.” I focused my eyes and stemmed my tears. I needed to focus on Jack. Jack would be my beacon of strength, and I would be his. We were not alone. He licked his lips before continuing. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I brought you here tonight and brought you to him. I’m so fucking—”
“Stop, Jack. Stop and tell me what I need to know. How to make it through this.” I didn’t know if he could understand the garbled words. The gag hung loosely around the back of my head, and I tried to move my lips enough for him to hear me.
He shook his head and, after a deep breath, continued in what I could only imagine was the voice he used in his military days. “I’m going to be honest, and I’m going to be blunt because there is no sugar coating at this point. We want to last longer than it takes for them to find us. The DNA should be coming in tomorrow or later today. We’ve been in here a couple of hours. I’m thinking it’s after midnight to early morning on Saturday. He’s been gone a while. That means—” He closed his eyes and swallowed. “That means don’t give him what he wants so easily so he won’t get bored. He’s going to want a fight. I know it’s your natural instinct to fight, but that is what he wants. Don’t give him the power.”
I shook my head back and forth, trying to understand how I can not fight. “How? How do I just … just let it happen?” My voice cracks on the last word as I struggle to keep my composure.
“I need you to be somewhere else. I need you to check out, Lu. That’s the only way through it. Think of me, think of something good, and check the fuck out.”
The door handle rattled before turning with a click and creaking open. Grayson’s shadow appeared in the doorway backlit by the hallway light. The light flicked on and momentarily blinded me. I turned my head, trying to hide my eyes in my arm to block out the harsh light.
“Look what we have here. Princess is awake!” His voice boomed. The jovial tone clattered against the fear and tension that hung throughout the room. “I wasn’t sure our girl was ever going to wake up.” He directed his comments toward Jack and laughed at how long the drugs put me out, almost as though they were having an easy conversation like at dinner the night before. Jack stared at Grayson with a blank stare, giving nothing away except a hint at the rage burning inside him. “Look at you trying to remain calm.” His chest shook with laughter. “We went through the same training, man. I’ve known you for years. You’re my brother. I know your tells. I can feel the anger coming off of you in waves even behind that bored, blank look in your eyes.”
“My brother wouldn’t have me tied to a chair. My brother wouldn’t have drugged her and shot me with a taser. You are not my brother.” Jack’s voice emitted no emotions.
Grayson’s smile slipped from his face, and a blank stare replaced it. His eyes locked onto Jack’s as he processed what he said. He swallowed hard before blinking it all away and letting a bland smile stretch his lips that didn’t meet his eyes. His hand flicked up, and I noticed the knife in his hands as he tossed it in the air a couple of times.
I squeezed my eyes shut against the sight, and an image immediately assaulted me from memory: Whitney hanging from the garage door with her insides hanging out. The after pictures of the girls in the photo album. They hit like punches to the head, and my breathing increased more with each thought.
Don’t give him the power. Don’t let him see your fear.
Jack’s words rang in my mind as I relaxed my body and tried to control my breathing. I had done yoga before. A little meditation. Maybe that would help me through this. Jerky breaths left my body but much slower and deeper than a moment ago.
Don’t let him see your fear.
“Sweet, beautiful. Did my knife scare you?” His voice came out soft and concerned. I refused to open my eyes and acknowledge his existence. “Look at me.” His voice hardened to a demand and hit at the walls I tried to build up against him. “Look. At. Me.” Each word a fist pounding at my calm. “Fine.” He retreated, and I breathed as deep as I could with relief. “You don’t want to look at me, listen to me? I’ll cut off his finger.”
I choked on my deep breath and desperately opened my eyes, searching him out. “No! No!” I begged and demanded all in one muffled shout.
He stopped his movement toward the chair. Approval for my obedience glinted in his hollow, gray eyes. “Good girl. I’m very proud of how fast you can learn.” He came over to the bed and raised the knife over his head, and I flinched, not expecting the sharp pain to begin so soon. I wasn’t ready. I thought I would have more time. I shouldn’t have given in so easily.
“No!” I heard Jack shout as the knife made its descent.
He brought the knife down, and it landed in the bed at my feet, the handle protruding up.
An uncontrollable shaking began in my chest and spread throughout my limbs. The adrenaline rushing through my body over and over again made it harder to control.
“Beautiful, I wouldn’t end it that fast. We haven’t even played.” He spoke so leisurely and not at all appropriately of the situation.
The bed dipped as he sat down by my hip. He leaned forward and pulled the gag out of my mouth. I licked my dry lips and filled my lungs with a full breath of air. Grayson searched my eyes for something. I didn’t know what. But I continued to hold his stare. And while Jack’s was blank, mine was filled with hatred and anger. I tamped down the fear and showed him my rage. He winked and leaned down to kiss my lips. I tried to turn my head away, but he held my chin and pressed his full lips against mine, pulling back to lick the side of my face slowly from chin to cheekbone. I dug for a calm I couldn’t feel.
Don’t let him see your fear.
He sat back up and placed his hand on my naked knee and slowly brought it up to my underwear line, and dragged his fingertips back to my knee, causing goose bumps to break out all over my body. “Your breasts are beautiful, Luella. Especially when they harden like that.” He leaned down and flicked my nipple with his tongue.
My eyes closed, trying to block everything out. Check out. Check out. Just check out.
He bit down hard, and I pinched my lips closed, trying to stifle the cries I felt building in my throat. No amount of control could stop my chest shaking with the sobs I held in. He sat back up and switched his focus to Jack, who focused on the floor in front of him. His jaw tense, and his muscles tightening with withheld anger.
“You didn’t even want to watch. But that is your favorite.” Grayson whined at Jack. Not from actual disappointment, but more to taunt Jack. He kept his hand resting on my upper thigh and began to speak. “So, brother. I’m sure you’re wondering how you got here. How you missed it.” Jack’s eyes remained focused on the floor in front of him. “Look at me.” He didn’t move.
A loud smack rang throughout the room before I registered the sharp pain on my outer thigh. A deep groan rumbled in my chest, but I kept my lips sealed against crying out. Deep in and out breaths. I pushed past the pain.
Jack’s eyes flicked up with a fire burning in the deep blue depths. “Good boy.” Another bland smile on Grayson’s face. “Jack, do you want to know what I love most about all of it?” A heavy pause fell on the floor between them as though he expected Jack to answer. When nothing was said, he continued. “I love being part of their lives. I love fucking with their world.” His eyebrows scrunched and lowered over his eyes as he passionately explained why he was a killer.
“I love the control. Some people do drugs and all this other bland shit but let me tell you about the high you get from being a god. From having someone’s life in your hands. It’s even better when they don’t even know it. When they hand over the control to you. Just a quick ‘Hello. How are you?’ to start a conversation, and all of a sudden, you’re exchanging numbers, letting me know where you live. Letting me into your life. I make them do that.” Grayson’s laugh hit like a slap in the face as he felt too much joy to hold it in.
“Why? How did this happen to you?” Jack’s whispered words broke across Grayson’s buoyant laugh.
“Why? Not all of us made it out of the shitty sandbox unscathed. What did you have to do while you were there? Gather info? Shoot blindly? Spot a shot for me to take?” His voice increased in volume while his anger grew. I flinched when his hand tightened on my thigh before he regained control over his reaction and calmed down. “They trained me to kill people. I looked down that scope, and I pulled the trigger. And somewhere along the way, it clicked with me. I control whether these people live or die. I control whether they drop dead right there or go home later that night. And you know what? In that moment, I stopped questioning the guilt that plagued my dreams at night. I embraced it, and I cherished it. Then, all of a sudden, they don’t need me anymore? Ask me to leave?” His hand began moving around animatedly as he got worked up. “What the fuck was I supposed to do with that power then? What the hell was I supposed to do with that feeling? I needed it. They created me, and they weren’t even going to fucking keep me. Well, fuck them! I became my own god in my own world! I control lives now, and I get the high on my own.” His hand landed heavily on my hip this time as he reined in his emotions. “So don’t you dare ask how this happened to me. You stood by and let it.”
“I didn’t let shit happen to you. We both went through the same thing. I was by your side every step of the way. So don’t feed me that line of bullshit. I was your brother. How can you do this to me?” Jack’s voice never wavered. How he remained calm, I would never know.
“How could I do this to you? I never planned on doing this to you. But things fell in place, where I was given the opportunity. First, you were taken on to help with the case. Do you know how much fun it’s been tracking my own murders? I never got to see people’s reactions, and it was refreshing and added a whole new dynamic to it.” His hand stroked from my hip to my knee and back again. Methodically, it continued like he was soothing me as he kept talking. “Then, as soon as that asshat pedestrian called in the sighting when I was with Whitney, I knew it was going downhill. I didn’t have time to clean up and cherish her. And now I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the DNA results. But when I saw Bennet outside the precinct with scratches on his neck, I knew I had time to go out with a bang.” I yelped as his hand landed on my leg roughly to emphasize his plan. “I placed the knife in his car, framing him, and I spent the rest of the week making sure you knew I was coming for you. Because you… You are the biggest game I always won. I mean, we are best friends, and you didn’t see it.” He laughed at how cunning he thought he was. “I was right fucking there. Here you were spending months tracking this killer, and I was right here—where you could find me. Right fucking here. But you never looked because I fucking won.”
His lip lifted in a disgusting smirk as he stood from the bed and turned to me. Giving a small glance back to Jack, he said, “And I’m going to win all damn night long.”
He stared at me as he began removing his T-shirt and unbuckling his jeans. He moved to the end of the bed, and I did everything I could to zone out as I looked to the ceiling.
Check out. Check out. Check out.
“I like to play. But knowing that you are imagining all the things that will happen to you after seeing my work is so much fun, and I want to drag it out a bit. So, I’m going to leave you with a small parting gift. And it’s okay that you don’t watch me. Just feel me, beautiful.”
My breath increased faster and faster as I felt his hand move up my leg. His fingers wrapped around my panties and ripped them off. He pushed a finger through my folds and roughly shoved two fingers inside me. Tears leaked down the side of my temples into my hairline as my body shook with tremors. “I just need a little bit of lube to get me started. He worked his fingers in and out before removing them and crawling between my spread legs on the bed.
Check out. Check out.
The more violated and scared I felt, the more my brain tried to shut down. The bed began to shake, and I needed to prepare myself for what was to come.
“I won’t fuck you now. I just want to come on those perfect tits and let you lay here as it dries on you.” I closed my eyes and started listing off proteins and lab procedures in my head. I centered myself with the memories of Jack’s voice. I couldn’t look at him right now. I closed my eyes tight and held the sobs in.
Don’t let him see your fear.
Grayson spoke the entire time, and I refused to listen. After a while, he leaned over me and jerked his cum over my stomach and breasts. Bile rose up my throat, and I contemplated letting it loose all over him, but I kept my eyes closed as he licked my neck and breathed into my ear.
“Enjoy my gift, beautiful.”
The bed shifted as he got off of it.
“One more thing before I go.” He dipped his finger in a pool of cum on my stomach and brought it over to where Jack sat. “You never would let me touch you. I loved you, and you denied me around every turn. It’s not like I was going to fuck you. Although maybe I’ll get my chance soon.” He fell to his knees in front of Jack and wrapped his lips around Jack’s soft dick. I didn’t want to see Jack’s reaction. We had both been used and violated in ways that I knew I didn’t want to share with anyone. I remained silent but here to let him know he wasn’t alone. He pulled his mouth off with a pop and stood to his full height.
“Hmm.” Grayson shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly at Jack’s lack of reaction. “Well, I can’t leave you without a parting gift, too.” He took the finger that held the cum on it and smeared it across Jack’s mouth. Jack reacted quickly by trying to bite Grayson’s finger. Grayson yanked back but not fast enough to not get nipped. “You motherfucking dick!” Grayson pulled his hand back and punched Jack in the side of the head. Jack’s head fell forward and didn’t move.
“Jack? Jack!” Panic over Jack being knocked out cold, of being alone without his silent support ripped through me, firing a rage deep in my soul. I turned my anger toward Grayson’s retreating back. “You fucking piece of shit! I hope you burn in hell, you disgusting motherfucker. I will fucking end you!” Words were useless as I struggled, tied to a bed, but I needed to release it before a banshee scream ripped from my vocal cords.
Grayson stopped just short of closing the door. “Enjoy the next few hours of reprieve. Rest up, beautiful. You’re going to need it.” The picture on the dresser of Jack and Grayson shook with the force of the door slamming.
With Grayson gone and Jack unconscious, I laid alone. No one to talk me down and be strong. But I knew if I held any more emotion in, it would consume me, and I needed to get it out now while I was alone. I would empty my reserves so they could be filled again when Grayson came back.
My chest caved in with every breath before the tears streaked down my face. In those moments, I gave in to the sobs wracking my body. I let it wrap around me and consume me and hold me. Then I would let the tears dry and use it to mold the cracks back together and prepare me for the next visit from Grayson.