Where You Can Find Me by Fiona Cole
31
“Luella.”I jerked awake at Jack’s forceful whisper. Unlike the last time I fell asleep, no confusion lingered about the nightmare I found myself in. I turned my head to see Jack and had to squint my eyes against the sun shining through the curtain. “I’m sorry I had to wake you, but I don’t know how much time we have, and we need to talk before he comes back in.”
I tried to stretch my arms and legs as best I could to keep blood flowing to my limbs. If I got a chance to run, I didn’t want it hindered by numb appendages. “Do you know what time it is? Are you okay? How long have you been awake?” I rapid-fired my questions at him, not being able to organize my thoughts and needing answers.
“I’ve been awake for maybe an hour or so. It’s hard to tell since time seems to drag. When I woke up, the sun looked to have just risen. I’m guessing it’s about nine or ten a.m. Lu, that means the results should be at the precinct by now. They’re on their way. We just have to hold on.”
I wasn’t sure I believed him. A small light of hope ballooned in my chest, but I didn’t want to feel it crushed under the heavy weight of disappointment. I could see he stretched the truth to help appease my fears and give me more than was warranted. But I didn’t want him to have to worry about my cynical doubt on top of everything else. I turned on as bright a smile as I could muster and nodded my head. With the light shining, I could see the dried blood on his temple and the bruising over his left eye that was already swelling shut, where Grayson knocked him out. “Are you okay?”
“I could use a blanket, but otherwise, I’m good.” He tried to wink to lighten the mood, but it only served to remind him of his swollen eye. There was so much wrong with the situation, but there was no need to spend these moments discussing all the ways we were not okay. “Listen, I’ve been working on these knots since I got in this damn chair. The idiot forgets that I went through the same course as him and learned all the ways to undo a knot that he can come up with. I’m going to keep working, and hopefully, I can get them started before he comes back. If I don’t, I need to keep him distracted from what I’m doing behind my back so I can keep working and stop him.”
I didn’t know what to do or say and fell back on nodding my head to let him know I understood his plan. There wasn’t anything I could have done anyways. I knew nothing about knots. I struggled to untie the double knot on my tennis shoes.
A silence fell upon the room as we both tried to ignore everything that had occurred in the past twenty-four hours. Hell, everything that had occurred in the last several months.
“You know I love you, right?” Those sweet words in his deep voice resonated in my soul, fortifying my strength.
I nodded my head and let him know the same. “I love you, too.”
“You know, I never thought I would see you again after that first night in the club. What a lucky bastard I was to be run over by a woman in a liquor store with a shopping cart.” I didn’t know how he did it, but he got me to give him a real laugh. It felt good. I added it to the wall I built to hold out against Grayson.
We kept our conversation hushed so as not to alert Grayson, and over the next little while, Jack kept me distracted. We talked about anything and everything. We talked about our families, and I told him about some of the crazy antics I got into with Asher, and later, Evie. I almost forgot where I was. Almost.
Until the door swung open again, and a naked Grayson walked in, not looking as jovial as before. His somber, serious eyes portrayed the “god” he so desperately wanted to feel like. He didn’t look like he was back to screw around and give explanations. The look on his face showed that the simple playtime was over. I hid behind my wall and tried to remain invisible to him. I focused on my breathing and not on the fear creeping its way over my body. I focused on finding a place to hide when I needed to check out because time had run out.
As much as I wanted to look to Jack for reassurance, there was none to be had. I tried to soothe myself with the knowledge that no matter what happened, I wouldn’t be alone. But right now, I couldn’t look at him. We both knew what would happen next wouldn’t be good, and I needed to close in on myself. I’m not sure what Jack and I would look like on the other side of this, where we would be, but as long as there was another side, I would fight for it. Even though I didn’t look at him, and I tried my best to shut everything out, I heard him, his deep voice flowing through me, reinforcing my walls.
Don’t let him see your fear.
“Hey, brother. Back so soon? Were you feeling like the mere disgusting asshole you are, so you had to come in here to pretend to be a god?”
My eyes jerked open to see Grayson’s reaction to Jack’s taunts. I knew Jack was diverting the attention to him. Relief and terror flooded my veins at the concept. The situation had a no-win for us. Grayson turned his head to look at Jack. The muscle at the side of his jaw ticked before it relaxed, and a small smile reached his eyes.
“I know what you’re doing, Jack. I don’t know why you keep acting like we didn’t go through the same training.” His smirk lifted to a full smile before his laugh vibrated around the room. “You doubt my control. That’s fine. Let me give you a better example.”
“We did go through the same training; you just happened to fail it. Is that why you are where you are? Because you’re a fucking failure?”
Grayson’s chest lifted with a deep inhale as if he was trying to not let Jack’s words affect him. He moved to sit at my hip again. My chest vibrated with the pounding of my heart. My vision swam as I stared blankly at the ceiling. My chest rose a little bit faster as I fought the panic. A burning began behind my eyes as I fought off the fear clawing at my body.
“Look at her, so panicked and coiling away from me. She doesn’t want me to touch her.” His hand settled on my stomach and smoothed high to below my breast and low to above my mound, ignoring Jack’s taunts. “But not too long ago, we were all in a similar situation. She flirted with me for months and then willingly spread her legs and let me eat her pussy; fuck her pussy. She let me.” He paused, and bile rose in my throat as memories crowded my thoughts. I held it down, not showing any reaction. “People are so damned open. You think you know someone, but let’s be honest. You never really do. Hell, look at you, we have been brothers for over ten years. We are partners. We’ve shared countless women. Some I enjoyed after you left. You never fucking knew. You’re just as ignorant as everyone else. Just as trusting as the next idiot walking the street.”
“You’re a fucking pussy, trying to rationalize what you do, but you are fucking nothing but a piece of shit.”
“Call me what you want, Jack. Whatever makes you feel better as you watch me fuck her.”
My breath stopped in my throat, threatening to choke me. I wished it would. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, fighting off the terror banging on my fortress.
I am not here. I am not here. This is not happening. I am not here. I am a castle. I am nothing.
The words remained on repeat while I blocked it all out. A thump from the wooden chair reached my ears, and I knew Jack wildly fought his restraints. Maybe now that he didn’t have to be quiet, he could break his bonds faster. A small ray of hope bloomed in my chest but quickly died out as I felt Grayson unhook my ankles and shove my knees apart.
My chest vibrated erratically with sobs I wouldn’t set free. My eyes stayed in the darkness, dancing with white spots I closed them so tightly.
“You’re a sick fuck who can’t even prey on a man. You have to take advantage of defenseless women,” Jack growled. His voice rose toward the end of his insult, his calm slipping away, his fear palpable, beating against me, forcing me to acknowledge it. I shut it down. My gates closed; my windows boarded up. No fear, not even his, could enter. I became a steel cage.
But even though my walls remained, they closed in on me, suffocating me, squeezing me.
“Oh, I preyed on men too. I preyed on them all. A god isn’t prejudiced. He is fair to them all. I spread my power to all.” His voice rang with power and pride. “Now watch as this ‘sick fuck’ fucks your precious Lu.”
A weight settled on top of me, and a mouth latched onto my chest. A forbidden sob broke free, and a crack broke in my wall. My thighs were pushed out and squeezed to a point I knew I would bruise. I squeezed my eyes tighter trying frantically to repair my crack.
“Look at me, beautiful.” His softly spoken words stroked my mind, coaxing me to obey. I refused. My lips sealed as broken breaths moved sporadically through my nose. I could hear Jack yelling at Grayson, trying to stop, trying to distract. I knew there would be no stopping or distracting. I prayed for a blank mind. I prayed I would pass out.
Grayson thrust forward, taking something that didn’t belong to him. I cried out against the sharp pain. He didn’t stop, the pain piercing over and over again. My pride being ripped away, replaced by shame and fear.
I am not here. I am not here.
Silent sobs racked my body, my lips remained sealed. He could take this, but I would withhold the sounds of my pain. I would withhold my obedience.
“Look at me.” His demands shook my mind. I blocked it out, refusing. I shook my head no. I would not give this to him. This was all I had. It was mine.
His anger increased the force of his penetration, shaking my body. Wet trails of tears fell into my ears. I ignored it all.
I am not here.
“Look at me!” A thud pounded through my skull before the full force of pain registered across the left side of my cheek where his fist had connected. A ringing in my ears almost made me open my eyes to assess the damage, but I held strong against the terror trying to tear me apart. Shouting from my left replaced the ringing and brought me back. A painful heat radiated through my cheek and into my eye and jaw.
A storm of noise brewed all around me. My body shook, and angry yells surrounded me, and I pushed back. My walls closed in, and I held them apart with everything I had. This would not defeat me. I would come out the other side.
“LOOK AT ME!” Another punch to the same place.
More yelling from Jack.
Another demand to open my eyes.
Another hit. My jaw moved too far over. Things were breaking. This was it.
My body became numb. My thoughts turned to the realization that I may not make it out of this alive. I wasn’t even sure if my eyes were open or closed anymore. Shock settled over me, and I finally won as my body settled into the numbness.
Whack, Whack. Whack.
One after another. The punches failed to reach me. My body rose above the pain and from behind the barrier of my mind. I really was no longer there.
When the blankness crept along the edges of my mind, a true fear settled in me. The black smoky hands reached into my mind. I knew I had taken too many hits to the head. I finally realized I wouldn’t make it out of this. I felt sad in a hollow, relieving way. Sad that I wouldn’t make it. Sad for Jameson and Evie, the only family I had. Sad for Jack because he would have to finish alone.
Just before the darkness closed in, a loud crash rang out through the room and the heavy weight lifted from me. It was too late, though.
With the last thought of knowing Jack would make it out alive bringing relief, I let go of the remaining light and allowed the darkness to swallow me.