Cruel Surrender by Terri Anne Browning

Ciana

Both Kellaand Elda spent fifteen days in the NICU, but Alessia required a little extra time. Leaving her behind when we got to take the older two home was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. Even though I knew I would get to see her every day like I’d done for the previous two weeks, it was agony to take only two of the three babies home.

Brody drove me to the hospital every day for a few hours, while Bain stayed behind with Kella and Elda. Every time I got home, the first thing I would see was him with at least one of the girls strapped to his chest in a wrap carrier. The sight of my burly husband with a tiny baby swaddled to his chest was the most heart-melting experience of my life. No matter what he was doing, he kept one of them with him at all times, even if he had to have a meeting in his office with some of the men. If they both weren’t attached to his chest, one would usually be in a bassinet beside his desk, content just to listen to Bain talk.

If he continued to take them with him to his meetings, I knew those two girls would end up just as dangerous as their father. But I’d grown up with Scarlett Donati for a mother, and more people feared her than my papa, so it didn’t bother me that my girls had the potential to become scary mob princesses.

Eight weeks after her birth, we finally got to bring Alessia home.

From the moment we walked through the door with her, I put her in one of the wrap carriers and strapped her to my chest. She was happiest when she was in my arms, and I was calmer when I could touch her. After spending the first two months of her life unable to hold her whenever I wanted, I wasn’t about to waste another minute not doing just that.

With all three of my girls home, and Bain so attentive to us all, I was so happy that when the bubble burst, I felt like I was drowning.

Two weeks after New Year’s, I was getting ready for bed when I heard Bain’s voice. Walking out of the bathroom, I expected him to be sitting on our bed with his phone to his ear, but the room was empty.

“You’re sure?” His voice filled the room again, and I realized I was hearing him on the baby monitor from the nursery. “Don’t bring me that kind of news unless you can back it up with irrefutable proof, Conor.”

Grabbing my bottle of lotion off my nightstand, I climbed into bed to get comfortable. Bain had always had nannies to take care of him, but my parents had refused to allow others to raise my siblings and me. I didn’t want strangers around our babies, so it was just the two of us taking care of three babies. Which was exhausting when they were still incredibly tiny and had yet to sleep through a full night.

Bain was a very hands-on father, getting up in the middle of the night to help me feed the girls without a single complaint. When I’d praised him for it one time, he’d gotten a little grumpy, complaining that it wasn’t something I should even have to acknowledge. We were partners—a team. That meant we shared everything, including the work it took to raise our beautiful baby girls.

But this time of night was our downtime. Just the two of us having an hour or so to ourselves to unwind and cuddle while the girls were sound asleep after their baths.

Cuddle was all we did, though. Bain might kiss me every now and then, but so far, he hadn’t tried to touch me even in a suggestively sexual manner. Dr. Rose had given me the all clear weeks before, something he knew all too well since he’d been at the appointment with me. Yet, he didn’t seem interested in making love to me at all.

I’d been so busy with the girls, and Alessia’s many doctors’ appointments to make sure she was continuing to gain weight, that I hadn’t had time to think much of it. But if he didn’t fuck me soon, I was going to jump my husband’s bones.

And if he turned me down, I would know he’d lied about always wanting me no matter what I looked like. Between the stress of taking care of three babies at once—even with his help—and breastfeeding, I’d lost all but about five pounds of the weight I’d gained during my pregnancy. My stomach was still all stretched out, but I was working on getting it tighter. There wasn’t much I could do about all the stretch marks, though. My abdomen looked like a road map. I’d thought I would be embarrassed by how I looked now, but when I looked in the mirror these days, all I saw was the body of a warrior. Maybe I hadn’t been to battle, but I’d fought hard to protect my daughters throughout my pregnancy. The stretch marks and my C-section scar were visual proof of just how much I loved my babies.

“Fuck!” Bain’s voice was full of excitement all of a sudden, and I sat up a little straighter, curious what had caused it. “Yeah, mate. This is perfect. I fucking need this. I’ll be in Ireland in two days. We’ll make it happen…” There was a short pause, and then he snorted. “Do you think Cori would actually care if I have to delay my visit by a day or a month? The longer it takes, the more time she has.”

My entire body turned to ice at the mention of that name. Cori was still alive? Even though he’d promised he would deal with her?

That was the first time I’d heard of him going to Ireland anytime soon. While I was pregnant, and then when Alessia was in the NICU, he wouldn’t leave Montreal for any reason. But now that all three girls were home, I figured he did have to focus on things that needed his personal, hands-on experience.

But what did that have to do with Cori, damn it?

Had he kept her alive all this time…to warm his bed? Was that why he hadn’t even tried to make love to me?

Had he…lied to me?

“No, Con. I haven’t told Ciana yet. I didn’t want to complicate things or disappoint…” He paused, listening. “Right. Yeah. Get me all the details. I want them before I leave.”

When I didn’t hear his voice again, I assumed he’d ended the call. Five minutes later, he walked into our room. Seeing I was already in bed, he smiled on his way to the closet. “Give me ten minutes to shower, mo chroí.”

I just sat there, watching as he came out with what he normally wore to bed, sweats and a T-shirt. He didn’t even pause to kiss me on his way to the bathroom. The door shut behind him, and I felt like someone had sliced my chest open.

Pressing my hand over my heart, I fought back the tears. He was going to Ireland. To see Cori.

To fuck her?

I didn’t know if I wanted to know the answer to that particular question. Would I even believe him if I did ask and he denied it? It was obvious from the sheer excitement in his voice while he spoke to Conor that he was happy about something, and whatever it was didn’t appear to have anything to do with me and everything to do with Cori.

Quickly, I placed the bottle of lotion back on the nightstand and turned off my light. Lying down, I pulled the covers up to my neck and closed my eyes, willing myself to fall asleep before he returned.

I thought we were happy. That everything was more or less perfect, the only downside being that I missed my family back in New York. But I could live with that. I had a new life now, one that revolved around my husband and children.

Had he stopped loving me? Was whatever obsession he’d had for me gone now, and he was tired of playing happy family with the girls and me? Or would he keep up the pretense and still keep Cori around for when he made convenient trips to Ireland? She’d been his mistress once. Would she accept that role again, knowing he had a wife and children waiting for him at home?

A tear spilled from the corner of my eye, and I quickly dashed it away when I heard the shower turn off in the bathroom. Turning on my side, I forced my breathing to even out so he would at least think I was asleep. As tired as we both stayed, it was easy to believe that I had fallen asleep early.

The bathroom door opened, casting a soft glow over our bed. When he saw the lights were off and I was snuggled under the covers, I heard him sigh before making his way to the bed. Quietly, he climbed in on his side of the bed and slid under the covers beside me.

I heard him mess with his phone for a few minutes, typing out a few texts or emails before he put it on charge, and then spooned up against me. He wrapped one of his arms around my middle, pulling my back to his front. I felt his lips against the back of my head, his deep inhale and contented exhale as he breathed in the scent of my shampoo.

Another tear escaped when his breathing evened out, telling me he was asleep.

Maybe I’d gotten it wrong, I tried to excuse. Maybe I didn’t know the full story.

And maybe I was just a fool, trying to bury my head in the sand. I was not that person. If he wanted Cori, he couldn’t have me too.

I feltlike a zombie as I went through my normal routine the next day. Not even Alessia cooing as she snuggled against my chest could bring a smile to my face. I avoided Bain all day as I tried to figure out what I wanted to say to him.

At dinner, my time was up, and we sat down to have our evening meal together while the girls took their last nap of the day.

I was already at the table, the steak and salad I’d requested already sitting in front of me. Bain came in, dropped a kiss on my brow, and took his place across from me. All while never once looking up from his phone.

Not having an appetite, I sat with my hands folded in my lap, waiting for him to put his phone away so I could confront him. But the longer it took, the angrier I got—and the hurt grew. He still hadn’t mentioned going to Ireland, and according to what I’d overheard the night before, he was leaving the next day.

Finally, he placed his phone with the screen side down on the table. He picked up his knife and fork and started cutting into his steak, but his eyes kept going to his phone. Waiting for Cori to reply?

I didn’t trust myself to speak without bursting into tears, so I followed his example and picked up my utensils, eating because I needed the nutrients for the girls. When his phone vibrated, he picked it up in a flash, dropping his fork on the plate with a loud clatter.

Whatever he read on the screen had him grinning, and I had to take a drink of my water to swallow the lump that filled my throat.

“G-good news?” I asked in a choked voice.

“Mm,” he muttered without taking his gaze off the phone. “The best.”

“Care to share?” I gritted out.

“Sorry, mo chroí. It’s a surprise.” His grin only grew bigger, if that was even possible, considering how it was already splitting his face. I’d only ever seen him this happy about something a handful of times in the entire time I’d known him. “But I promise to tell you all about it when I get back from Ireland.”

His promises meant jack shit to me, but at least he’d finally brought up his trip.

“You’re going to Ireland?” I tried to keep my tone casual, but it still came out cold. Not that he noticed. He was too busy texting back whomever. Probably Cori. “When?”

“I leave tomorrow and should be back in a few days. Maybe longer. Depends how fast I can wrap everything up.”

He couldn’t even bother to look at me when he spoke, and that was just another slap in the face. Was I that unimportant to him now? Had I ever been important to him?

The rest of the meal was spent in silence, and I was thankful when I shoved the last bite of steak into my mouth. Pushing my chair back, I stood without bothering to speak to him. Leaving my dishes on the table for the cook to deal with, I left the dining room and went up to check on the girls.

Elda was wide awake when I walked in, and I tried to hold back my tears, not wanting to upset her or her sisters as I went about my evening routine of feeding, bathing, and then cuddling with each girl before bed. It was hard to divide my time between all three so they got equal parts of me, and there were moments when one of them—usually Alessia—needed me more than the others. But I hoped they understood I was doing my best.

When I went into my bedroom, Bain’s carry-on was out and open. His clothes were already neatly inside, and he came out of the bathroom with his toiletries case and his phone to his ear. From what little I heard, he was talking to the pilot, and they were discussing his early morning takeoff.

Once he ended the call, he finished packing while I climbed into bed, too tired to even shower the day off me.

Leaning back against the headboard, I watched him double-check that he had everything.

“Bain…”

“Mm?” He had his phone in his hand yet again, texting away like his life depended on it. Didn’t he realize that his life was here? That I was right in front of him, and he was losing me? “What is it, mo chroí?”

“Don’t go,” I whispered, giving him one last chance to pick me. Us.

The hand holding the phone dropped to his side as he turned to face me, his brows pulled together in surprise. “What?”

I swallowed hard and cleared my throat. “Don’t go to Ireland tomorrow. S-stay. I…need you here.”

He crossed to the bed and sat beside me. “I know you’re nervous about being alone with the girls for a few days, but you’re going to be just fine. You are an amazing mother. So much so that I feel pretty useless at times.” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “You’ll be so busy, you won’t even have time to miss me.”

When he moved to stand, I grasped his hand, stopping him. “I’m asking you not to go.”

For the first time ever, I saw annoyance flash in his eyes. “I have to go, Ciana. I’ve let some things go long enough. This needs to happen now before I lose my mind.”

I pulled my hand back. “Right,” I said with a weak nod. “Okay. I-I won’t ask again.”

Another kiss was placed on top of my head when he got to his feet. As if I were one of the girls and not his wife. “I won’t be gone long. Once I’m back, we have a lot to discuss.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “We should definitely talk when you return.”