Big Boy by Skyler Snow
Nervousness filledme to the point that I was ready to puke. I bounced my knee up and down, staring ahead as we approached my parent's place. What would soon be my place again. The internal turmoil that I felt spread and I gasped when Samuel touched my thigh and destroyed the worst case scenarios I had playing in my head.
"Stop overthinking," he said softly. "We're going to go to this dinner and figure things out, okay?"
"Okay."
He offered me a soft smile, but I couldn't quite give him one back. Returning to my childhood home wasn't my idea of a good time. All I could think about was the past trauma that I would face when I was back in my old bedroom surrounded by things from a difficult childhood. One that my family didn't even know I had experienced.
"Hey, if you want to leave at any point you tell me," Sam said sternly.
"Yes, Daddy."
"I mean it."
"Yeah, I know." I leaned on his arm. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
The car went back to being quiet and my mind went a million miles per minute. I knew he was upset about me not wanting to move in with him, but I wasn't ready. What if I made his life miserable and he lost what affection he had for me? That would be devastating. So, as much as I loved the idea of waking up to my Daddy, being cuddled and held by him, waiting for him to come home at night, and kissing him before work every morning, I couldn't do it. He was so much more level-headed than I was and I wasn't about to drag him down.
We finally arrived at the house and I held my breath as we walked inside. My mom was smiling and seemed to be in a good mood. So were my dad and brother.
"Sam," my mom smiled. "It's good to see you again. I know things got off to a rough start last time."
"It happens," Sam said with a wave of his hand. "Let's start over again."
"I would love that." She turned to me. "Carter, you look good, honey. Come here."
She pulled me into a hug and I returned it. When we pulled apart, she led the way into the dining room and we all took a seat. My stomach was still in a bundle of knots and I swallowed hard trying to calm down. This was my family, they shouldn’t make me so anxious.
"Good to see you, son," my dad smiled. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm starving."
"What did you make, Mom?" Davey chimed in.
"Nothing over the top. It’s Carter’s favorite night, so pasta, bread, veggies and, of course, dessert."
Still wasn’t my favorite. "Sounds great." I smiled at her, not wanting to hurt her feelings.
I was surprised at how calm everyone was. Maybe tonight would actually be a peaceful experience and we could move on. I was ready to be a part of my family again. Of course, I loved them even if they could be a bit much sometimes.
"Carter, how's the job hunting coming?" Dad asked.
"Not bad, but not great." I frowned. "I keep getting interviews, but I'm not being hired."
My mom came in with the pasta and started picking up plates to serve the food. "Well, don't be down on yourself. The job market is tough right now and that makes it hard on everyone. I'm sure you'll find something. Give it time."
"Yeah?" I asked. "I hope you're right."
"Mom is always right," she said, winking at me. "Trust me, eventually people will be banging down the doors to get to you."
"I sure hope so."
Sam laid a hand on my thigh and I touched it. He was being quietly supportive and I appreciated the hell out of it. How could he put up with my insane family dynamic? Samuel was a good man.
My mom passed around plates of food. Everyone was served before I got my plate and glanced down at it. My portion was less than half the size of everyone else's. As usual.
"Mom, I'd like a little more."
She paused. "I think that's enough, honey."
Rage surged inside of me and I balled my fists. What the hell was her problem? Normally, I let it go, stayed quiet, put down my head, and just ate. But tonight wasn't that night. I was sick and tired of being pushed around. Sam's grip tightened on my thigh and I saw the concern on his face. I was sorry he was going to have to witness this, but I wasn't backing down this time.
"Mom," I said and inhaled heavily. "Look, I get that you're trying to look out for me and you want me to be healthy, happy, and live a long time."
"Exactly," she said with a nod.
"But you're going about it all fucking wrong. Sorry I cursed, but I'm so frustrated I could scream at this point."
She blinked at me. "For what?"
"For what?" I asked before I barked out a laugh. "For what!" I shook my head. "You are constantly bringing up my weight. Every day, every chance you get, you remind me of what a huge, fat disappointment I am. You constantly drag me down and humiliate me." I picked up my plate. "You give me a quarter of the portions everyone else at this table gets and it's embarrassing."
She frowned. "I'm only looking out for you."
"Who asked!" I laughed. "I never told you I needed your help monitoring my diet. You've been doing this since I was a kid and do you know what it got me?"
By now her eyes were wide. “What?" She muttered.
"Body dysmorphia and a big, fat eating disorder! I'm bulimic, Mom. Seriously, do you not understand in all of those pictures you parade around the house and to guests that I was miserable? I was shoving food down my throat and puking it up so I would make you proud." I looked at Davey and my dad. "All of you. The comments never stopped. And I have always been the butt of your stupid jokes. Davey, you smoke a pack a day and did cocaine every day for like a year and no one ever got on you about it!" His mouth dropped, but I ignored him and looked at my dad. "And let's not pretend you didn't get grandpa's metabolism which is why you stay skinny. I’ve watched you eat like five double cheeseburgers in one sitting and no one said anything!” I stood up and shook my head. “None of you are nutritionists or doctors so stop giving me advice and picking me apart like it's a game!"
I panted as the last word left my mouth and felt the heat that licked over my body. Everything I said had spent years in a pressure cooker locked inside of my brain. But I couldn't hold back anymore. Maybe it was reaching the point of my frustration or maybe it was my Daddy silently supporting me, but something finally snapped and I was done.
"Your fatphobia is killing me," I said finally now that I had calmed down a little. "Would you rather have a fat son? Or a dead one?"
"It's okay," Samuel said quietly as he jumped up and reached over to wipe a tear from my cheek that I hadn't even realized had fallen. "Breathe for me."
I sucked in a deep, shuddering breath that burned and stung my lungs. Breathe. I clung to Sam's hand and it gave me the strength I needed to look back into all of their shocked faces.
"Carter," my dad started, "we had no idea."
"I'm sorry," Davey added. "You're right. I've been able to do whatever I want and I just joined in on it." He glanced down at the table. "I'm so sorry."
My heart sped up. Did they really admit that they were wrong? It made me feel warm all over to hear them say those things. I glanced at my mom and she was crying, tears rolling down her cheeks as she sniffled and wiped her nose.
"I didn't know, honey," she whispered. "I-I thought I was helping. Carter, I swear I thought that I was doing what was right. It's a mom's job to be tough and resilient and-"
"No, it's your job to love me," I said softly. "To let me know that I have value beyond how I look. All the good I did over the years? I volunteered. Gave blood. Reached out to people who were suicidal to support them and all you've seen is how fat I am."
"I didn't mean-"
"Mom, I know," I sighed. "Trust me, I know you didn't mean it, but that's what happened. You've broken me down so much and I can't deal with it anymore. No more diet advice. No more harping on me about my weight. Enough. Samuel helps me with all of that and he's qualified."
"You are?" she asked Sam softly.
"Yes," he nodded. "I'm not only a trainer, I've taken nutrition courses throughout my career because I believe food is important." He glanced at me. "Your son is struggling with an illness. He needs all of your support and love. That's all. He's trying." He smiled. "You have no idea how hard he tries. I'm so proud of him and you should be too."
I choked up at Samuel's words. How did this man get me so much? How did he see parts of me that even I didn't see? I didn't think I was nearly as amazing as he described, but it still gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling hearing him say that.
"I really didn't know," my mom said quietly. "I'm sorry, honey. I’ll stop."
Reaching over, I laid a hand on top of hers. "It's okay. I want us to move past this. I love all of you, but it's enough now. Okay?"
"Okay," she said quietly. She stood up and scooped more pasta onto my plate. "You eat whatever you want." She sat down and wiped her eyes. "I'm glad you came to dinner. I love you, honey."
"Me too," I said with a nod. "I've missed all of you."
"We missed you too," Dad chimed in before he pushed some food around on his plate. "Now, what is this about Davey and cocaine?"
"Damn it, Carter!" Davey snapped.
“Do you know what drugs do to your body, Davey? Honestly, cocaine?” Mom shook her head. “Let me tell you something…”
I grinned as my parents descended on him. For once, it felt good to watch my brother fight for his life about something he'd done. It was a little vindictive, but I would tell him sorry later and he would definitely tell me to fuck off before he smiled. I loved my little brother and I knew he loved me.
"You did so well," Sam whispered against my ear. "I'm proud of you for speaking up for yourself."
My face lit up. It was hard facing my family, but I needed to do it and now I couldn't stop beaming. Did Sam even know that I was able to say everything that was on my mind because of him? My heart felt lighter and for once the dark cloud that hovered over my head was gone.
I had the best Daddy in the world.
Day: Sunday
Time: 8:30 pm
Breakfast: Eggs and toast
Lunch: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Dinner: Mom’s pasta dinner. One day I’ll tell her it’s not my favorite. But not today. She did good.