The Mistletoe Pact by Jo Lovett
Now – August 2022
Evie
‘Are you all ready?’ Tiff, the wedding boutique owner, poked her face out from behind the changing room curtain.
Lucie, Fiona, Evie and Dervla, Sasha’s university friend who was the other bridesmaid, all nodded.
‘Okay then, she’s coming out.’ Tiff pulled the curtain sideways and up, and Sasha stepped out.
‘Oh my goodness.’
‘Wow.’
‘Gorgeous.’
‘You look amazing.’
Sasha’s dress was sixties-style simple in cut, in a warm ivory fabric, which set off her slim figure and strawberry-blonde hair and pale skin to perfection.
Fiona dabbed delicately at her eyes with a sparkling white handkerchief. ‘My baby girl,’ she said.
Evie could do with a tissue herself. It wasn’t every day that you saw your best friend in her finished wedding dress for the first time.
‘So, obviously,’ Sasha said, ‘I can’t eat anything for the next ten days.’
‘No, no, no,’ Tiff said. ‘Don’t stop eating. We don’t want a shrunken-bride situation. I don’t want to be taking this dress in next Friday. I want you to stay exactly the same size until then. You wouldn’t believe the number of women who over-shoot on their pre-wedding diets.’
‘Okay.’ Sasha nodded, eyes wide. ‘Bloody hell. One more thing to worry about. I hadn’t thought of that.’
‘You’ll be fine,’ Lucie said. ‘We’ve all been there. And it’s always perfect in the end.’
‘You will, darling,’ Fiona said.
‘You will.’ Dervla nodded earnestly.
‘Totally,’ Evie said, feeling like a fraud. The other three all had actual being-a-bride-in-a-wedding-dress experience. All Evie knew was how not to be a bride. In the red knee-length dress she’d worn for her Vegas wedding. Oh, for goodness’ sake. Her mind had wandered to Dan again. She should stop thinking about what had happened during their car journey after the quiz night, and seeing him at Sasha’s wedding and wondering if he would get back together with Hannah, and focus on Sasha. ‘Honestly, Sash, you’ll be fine. You know you will. You always look amazing and you always weigh the same no matter what you eat.’
* * *
A week later, Sasha was saying, ‘Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I shouldn’t have carried on eating normally. Maybe it was that curry at the weekend. And bread. Too much bread. So hard to resist.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Okay, try again.’
Tiff pulled the two halves of the back of the dress in towards the centre, hard, and Sasha squeaked.
‘Are you alright?’ Tiff said.
‘Fine.’ Sasha sounded like she was being strangled.
‘Are you sure?’ Evie asked, worried.
‘Totally fine.’ She was so not fine. She was talking the way Evie’s mum had when she’d had tonsilitis.
‘Sasha, you can’t breathe in for your entire wedding. It’ll ruin the day for you. We’ve got to do something. Tiff, can we take it out a bit?’
‘Well, we really don’t have much time.’
‘Could we add an extra panel or something?’ Evie asked. ‘Like down the sides? Would that be quicker?’
‘But that would ruin my beautiful dress,’ Sasha wailed.
‘Laxatives,’ Tiff said.
It wasn’t the right time for weak jokes, but Evie laughed politely anyway, while Sasha sniffed.
‘I’m not joking,’ Tiff said. ‘It’s a tried-and-tested method.’
‘Great,’ said Sasha, ‘I’ll do that.’
‘What? I really think that’s a bad idea.’ Evie didn’t like being rude to relative strangers, but this was her best friend’s wedding.
Tiff shook her head. ‘It always works. Why don’t you take the dress off, now, Sasha, and I’ll get it all packed up for you?’
‘You’re actually suggesting that Sasha should take laxatives three days before her wedding? Strong enough ones to make her lose actual noticeable amounts of weight?’ Evie said. ‘What if they work too well? What if they keep on working? What if they’re still working on Saturday? During her wedding? Also, I’m pretty sure it’s not, like, medically advisable to use laxatives for weight-loss purposes? If anything, maybe just a strict diet for three days. But wouldn’t it be a lot better to just let it out a bit now?’
Tiff shook her head again. ‘Laxatives,’ she said.
‘Let’s go.’ Sasha pulled on Evie’s sleeve.
‘Could we maybe reconvene on Friday morning, Tiff, and if necessary let the seams out a tiny bit?’ Evie said.
‘There won’t be time then.’
‘Well, let’s start now then,’ Evie said.
‘Laxatives,’ Tiff said.
‘Let’s go,’ Sasha said again.
‘I’m going to get laxatives,’ Sasha said the second they’d closed the boutique door behind them.
‘No, Sash, you can’t,’ Evie said. ‘Honestly, I do think Tiff’s lovely—’ she wasn’t; she was a dragon in fluffy-wedding-boutique-owner clothing ‘—but I also think she’s gone mad in this instance. It’s like she’s promoting eating disorders. It’s a ridiculous suggestion. And what if you’re still going, post-laxatives, on Saturday? It doesn’t bear thinking about.’
‘I can and I’m going to.’ Normally, Sasha was one of the most reasonable people Evie had ever met, just one of the reasons that Evie loved her. ‘Oh my God, Evie, this is a disaster.’
Evie pulled her into a hug. ‘Listen. It’s going to be okay.’
‘My dress is too small. My beautiful, perfect wedding dress is too small. And the wedding is in two days and twenty-two hours’ time. How is that going to be okay? I’m getting laxatives.’
‘I think we should go back in and insist that Tiff take it out slightly,’ Evie said.
‘No. She clearly doesn’t want to.’ Several tears rolled down Sasha’s cheeks. ‘Let’s go to the pharmacy.’
‘There must be someone else we can talk to about this,’ Evie said.
‘You can’t tell Angus. Or Mum. Or anyone.’ A lot of tears were pouring down Sasha’s cheeks now. ‘But maybe we should call Dan. He’s a doctor. He’ll know the best laxative to take.’
‘Will he?’
‘Yes, think about it,’ Sasha sobbed. ‘You probably get severely constipated people in A&E all the time. Let’s call him. Could you maybe ask him for me?’
Evie really didn’t want to speak to Dan because of their argument after the quiz night but she obviously couldn’t let her best friend down in her hour of need. And, also, this was a crisis, and Dan was good in crises, and hopefully he’d talk Sasha out of the laxative idea and into the getting-extremely-firm-with-Tiff-and-letting-the-dress-out idea.
She took her phone out. He didn’t pick up. Which felt like a bit of a relief, even though she could do with some anti-laxative backup.
‘Hi, Dan,’ she said into the phone. ‘It’s Evie. Sasha has a wedding dress emergency and she wanted to ask your advice about laxatives.’
They were in a queue in Boots five minutes later, waiting to talk to the pharmacist about laxatives, when Dan called back. Evie stared at the phone for a few moments, feeling her shoulders tense, and then picked up.
‘Evie. Hi. Sorry I couldn’t take your call immediately; I’m at work. What’s the emergency?’ Evie relaxed a little. There was something very comforting – as well as sexy, no, ignore that – about Dan’s voice, and clearly they didn’t need to mention anything personal.
‘Basically, Sasha’s wedding dress is a little tighter than expected…’
‘Because I’m too fat,’ Sasha said.
‘Sasha looks gorgeous as always,’ Evie said, ‘but the dress is a bit small, and the seamstress is suggesting that Sasha take laxatives so that she can get into it, and Sasha thought that you might have some useful advice, being a doctor.’
‘What?’ Dan said.
‘I’m not joking.’
‘That’s insane. No-one should be taking laxatives for dieting purposes. She could easily ruin her wedding day and her honeymoon. It’s a ridiculous suggestion.’ Hooray. ‘Can’t they change the dress?’
‘Exactly. Would you like to speak to Sasha directly? Sasha, would you like to speak to Dan directly?’
‘Okay.’ Sasha sniffed.
‘So I’m going to pass the phone to Sasha,’ Evie told Dan. ‘Obviously I know that you know this but a wedding dress is a huge deal for a bride and the wedding’s on Saturday.’
‘Yep, I’ll channel my inner adult and not be mean to my little sister.’
‘Thank you.’
Evie handed the phone to Sasha.
Whatever Dan was saying had to be good. Sasha was no longer crying; in fact, she was almost smiling.
‘Thank you,’ Sasha said. ‘No, we’ll do it. Evie’ll be amazing. But if we need help from a third party we’ll call you.’ She handed the phone back to Evie.
‘So what are we doing?’ Evie asked. Please let Dan have prevailed common sense-wise over the laxatives.
‘We’re going to go back to the shop and tell Tiff that she has to let the dress out. We’re going to be firm and she’s going to do it. And then I’m going to weigh myself literally about every hour, to make sure that I don’t change size any more. Dan offered to phone Tiff and speak to her for us, but I told him we don’t need a man to fight our battles for us.’
‘We certainly don’t,’ said Evie, really wishing that Sasha had let Dan make the call, because Tiff was actually quite scary.
‘Exactly. We are strong women.’ Sasha linked her arm through Evie’s and started walking out of the shop. ‘Let’s do it.’
‘Hang on.’ Evie stopped just outside Boots’s entrance. ‘I need to google. I need some ammunition. Okay, got it. The Consumer Rights Act 2015. Come on. I’m going in.’
‘No,’ Tiff said, when they were back in the shop. ‘Really, I don’t think so. Please try the laxatives. Sasha, darling, I have it on great authority that several members of the royal family, and Hollywood royalty too, swear by them.’
Evie tried to imagine Tiff away and replace her with a naughty Year Seven. ‘Well, more fool them, frankly,’ she said. She squinted down at her phone screen. ‘I’m so sorry, Tiff, but I’m going to have to quote the Consumer Rights Act. Section Ten. Goods have to be fit for particular purpose. Section Fourteen. Goods to match a model seen or examined. Section Twenty-three. Right to repair or replacement. I could go on.’ She couldn’t go on much further without scrolling down on her phone.
‘Evie’s a very senior Consumer Rights Act lawyer,’ Sasha said.
‘Yes, I am,’ Evie said. ‘And not taking the dress out would be a clear breach of Sasha’s consumer rights. Which obviously you’re aware of, and I know that you just have Sasha’s best interests at heart.’
‘Obviously,’ said Tiff after a long pause, her eyes scarily narrowed, and voice like nails on a chalkboard, ‘if you want me to take it out, I will do that. I was just thinking of you. I’m not sure you want that stress.’
‘It won’t be stressful, because we know you’ll do a fab job,’ Evie said. ‘Thank you so much, Tiff. We’re both going to recommend you to all our friends.’
‘Very rich friends,’ Sasha said. ‘Who are all getting married very soon. Dozens of them. It’ll be very much worth your while. Thank you so much. We’re very grateful.’
‘Not a problem.’ Tiff looked like she’d just eaten a large slice of lemon when she’d thought she was getting orange.
Three hours later, Evie and Sasha were on the sofa in Sasha’s flat, watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding, with glasses of water – Sasha wasn’t touching alcohol with a barge pole before Saturday because of the empty calories factor – and big salads, dressing-free in Sasha’s case.
‘You don’t want to avoid all calories,’ Evie said. ‘You can’t lose weight now.’
‘I might have a square of chocolate for pudding,’ Sasha said. ‘And a rich tea biscuit – low GI according to Google. Thank you so much for being with me this week. I’m so glad I’m getting married in the holidays so that you could be here in the run-up.’
‘Me too. If I hadn’t been you’d have had laxatives for dinner instead of salad.’
‘You were amazing with Tiff.’
‘I was really scared.’
‘You didn’t look scared. It was so cool when you started quoting the law at her. I mean, I actually believed you.’
They both sniggered and then Sasha said, ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Mm, hmm.’ It was going to be another question about Dan.
Sasha opened her mouth and Evie’s phone rang. Good.
It was Matthew, calling from his Tenerife golfing holiday.
‘I’ll leave you to it and make us some coffee,’ Sasha said and left the room.
‘Hello,’ Matthew said. ‘I’m missing you. How’s everything going with the wedding preps?’
Evie told him all about her day, not really including the conversation with Dan, though, because it felt a bit weird talking about him with Matthew. ‘And how’s your day been?’ she asked when he’d finished agreeing that no way should anyone suggest that a bride take laxatives.
When he’d finished a – genuinely very funny on this occasion – golfing anecdote, he said, ‘I can’t believe I’m away for a whole ten days. I’m really missing you.’
‘Me too,’ Evie said, meaning it. His presence was very calming.
‘Are you sure you’re okay about seeing Dan and meeting Hannah this weekend?’ Sasha asked as soon as she was back in the room after Evie and Matthew’s call finished. One-track mind. It was literally about the fiftieth time she’d asked the question. Like Evie, while totally sober, was suddenly going to give a different answer from the other forty-nine times. Sasha wanted her baby niece to be at her wedding so Hannah had been invited, and if Evie was honest of course she didn’t particularly want to spend time with Dan and the ex he’d split up with just before Vegas. But they were all adults and it would be fine.
‘Totally. I mean, he split up with Hannah before we went to Vegas and so of course it was fine that he and I… you know… fine. And it’s clearly fine, more than fine, wonderful, that he has Katie. You know, I’m really pleased for him, both of them. And of course it’ll be fine seeing them together, totally fine. I mean, obviously.’ She was clearly doing the protesting-too-much thing. Also, what was she thinking? What about Matthew? ‘And, I mean, I’m with Matthew. Really, Dan and Hannah are nothing to do with me.’ It was really bloody annoying, frankly, that Matthew couldn’t make it to the wedding. ‘I’m really looking forward to your wedding and to seeing you walking down the aisle looking utterly, utterly fabulous in your gorgeous dress and marrying your amazing fiancé.’
‘And Hannah and Katie will probably only come to the ceremony and the first part of the reception, so they won’t really be there much,’ Sasha said.
‘Exactly. But even if they were, I really wouldn’t mind.’
‘Good. If you’re sure.’
‘I am totally sure.’ Ish.
* * *
‘So this is great.’ Two evenings later, Evie took another glug of her champagne and then put it down on a side table. It felt like to survive this evening happily she needed to be very drunk or totally sober. Drunk and Dan weren’t a good combination, so sober it was. ‘So exciting that the wedding’s tomorrow.’ She looked at Sasha’s mother on her right and then at Sasha’s father on her left. Neither of them had said a word for literally minutes. Such bad timing that Sasha’s parents had arrived at the restaurant at the same time, and straight after Evie.
‘I can’t wait to see how the church looks in the morning when the florist’s finished.’ Evie paused. More silence. Right. ‘And the cake’s going to be delicious. Such a good idea to have different types of cake in each tier.’ And more silence. ‘I can never decide whether I prefer fruit cake or your basic Victoria sponge. Or chocolate actually. Especially Black Forest gateau. Delicious. Yep. Everything’s going to be wonderful. I wonder where they’re going for their honeymoon. So exciting that Angus is surprising Sasha.’ More silence. Christ. ‘August’s a wonderful time of year for a wedding.’
There was the sound of a spoon tinkling against a glass.
‘If we could all take our seats, that would be great,’ Angus boomed. Thank God. ‘Sasha’s done a seating plan.’
Evie smiled at both of Sasha’s unsmiling parents, said, ‘Wonderful,’ and moved, fast, in the direction of the table, to start on the looking-for-your-name sideways-shuffle-and-peer thing that everyone was doing to find their place.
There were sixteen of them, eight men and eight women, and Sasha had alternated the sexes. She’d had quite a few constraints to work with, including having to put her father as far away from her mother and all four of his children and ex-mother-in-law as possible, as well as Angus’s mother and grandmother, who were both firmly in the Fiona-supporting camp, so he’d been placed between Evie and Dervla, the other non-family bridesmaid.
One of Angus’s younger brothers, Rory, was on Evie’s other side. Evie was pretty sure that she was relieved not to be sitting next to Dan, given all the awkwardness, except for some reason she also felt a bit miffed.
Silly, of course. There was nothingwrongwith Robert, other than the middle-aged-letch thing he had going on and the fact that he’d betrayed his wife and never apologised. And she didn’t really know Rory, but he seemed like a lot of fun. She was totally going to have a great evening.
‘Thank you so much,’ Evie said to the waiter as he put her main course of ballotine of rabbit in front of her. She looked across the table at Sasha and made a sympathetic face as Sasha pointed between her very plain salad and Angus’s steak. She’d had soup and no bread to start with while Angus had had foie gras with a lot of toast. It seemed like there was something in all of this wedding dress and dieting stuff that summed up a lot that was wrong between men and women. Although tomorrow Angus was going to be wearing a boring suit while Sasha was getting to wear the most beautiful dress. Yeah, not the time to be philosophising.
‘This food’s delicious. Almost as delightful as my dinner companions this evening,’ Robert told Dervla and Evie. Honestly.
‘You old flirt,’ said Dervla, not really sounding that light-hearted.
Evie sneaked her umpteenth look of the meal at Dan, at the far end of her side of the squarish table. He looked a bit tired. And also gorgeously slightly rumpled. Apparently he’d come here straight from work via Hannah’s flat to pick her and Katie up. He hadn’t been able to make it to the wedding rehearsal this afternoon because one of his colleagues had been ill so he’d had to work on his day off. He glanced up and caught her looking at him – oops – and gave a half smile. Evie half-smiled back. She loved the way his whole face usually crinkled when he smiled and you felt like it was only the two of you in the whole world. That wasn’t the way he was smiling now, though. Now, he just looked a little wary.
Rory nudged her arm. ‘The waiter would like to know if you’d like more wine,’ he said. Oops again. She’d been paying no attention whatsoever.
‘I’d love some, thank you,’ she said. Actually, no, she really didn’t want too much to drink. ‘Just half a glass, please. Rory, could you possibly pass the still water?’
Robert concluded a long anecdote about his own heroics – something to do with helping a charming woman and her cat – and said, ‘I’ve had a lovely evening with you two ladies. It’s a great shame that I don’t have time to stay for dessert. I have to join Stephanie at a drinks party this evening.’
‘Must be an important drinks party,’ Dervla said. ‘To take precedence over your daughter’s dinner the night before her wedding.’ Evie nearly choked on her water.
Robert glared at Dervla, and then patted his lips with his napkin. He pushed his chair out and blew kisses around the table.
‘Wonderful to see everyone. See you at the church tomorrow.’
‘Now that he’s gone,’ Sasha said to everyone, before the door had fully closed behind him, ‘let’s shake things up a bit. Women, let’s be lazy and stay where we are. Men, you all move four places to your left.’
And suddenly Evie was sitting between Max’s partner Greggy and Dan, and, again, she wasn’t sure how she felt. Definitely suddenly happier and more full of anticipation than she should have been.