A Lock Of Death by Beena Khan

7

Friday night came and I already dreaded it.

I’d packed my clothing in an overnight bag. I made sure to pack my painting tools. I wasn’t sure whether I could ever paint again, but I clutched my pink bag close to my chest anyway as I stared at Dimitri Nikolaev’s large back.

His broad shoulders moved as he walked toward his black Camry, his walk confident, assured, and quiet. Why didn’t he have a more luxurious car? Maybe he didn’t want to draw more attention to us. His frame was stockier than any man I’d seen before. I couldn’t believe I imagined sleeping with him. A flush ran down my spine, remembering that dream. As if he could feel me staring at him, he glanced over his shoulder.

Blue. I liked that nickname.

It was stuck permanently in my mind.

I averted my eyes and stared at his car instead.

A week had gone by, and my stitches had been removed. It left a deep red scar behind though, and I doubted it would fade anytime soon.

My gaze returned to the man in front of me, the man who would deliver me. The same man who’d inserted a tracker into my skin and removed it afterward. The same man who’d saved my life after I’d thrown myself over the railing, and the same man who’d pushed me over the railing, himself.

It was all so damn confusing and complicated.

I was grateful the tracker chip wasn’t in my skin anymore.

Although, my heart always sank knowing that I was married to an unknown man, and I would be his for the rest of my life.

My lower lip curled as I opened the passenger door and stepped inside. Across from me, Dimitri grabbed my bag and threw it behind us. I narrowed my eyes that he’d thrown my belongings so easily, that he didn’t care at all.

Frowning, I returned my focus straight ahead.

Night had fallen, and my eyes lifted in a smile as I stared at the twinkling stars above. I reached out a hand and tried to mimic the shape of the stars for a few seconds even though I was far away. A dry gaze burned into me. Feeling caught like an insolent child, my smile froze, and I glanced in his direction.

His curious eyes simply looked at me. He did that a lot, just stared as he studied and analyzed me. His gaze fell on my sparkling nails before it fell on my glittery dress.

I moved my hands from his view and sat on top of them instead. Those eyes trailed down and stared at my lap. His head lifted, and his snooping eyes landed on me again. Ignoring the touch of his stare, I averted my gaze and stopped smiling.

His car smelled crisp and clean, just like him.

It was a nice smell, and it made my mind hazy.

I cleared my throat. “When would we reach Mexico?”

He started the engine, and I put my seatbelt on.

“Thirty-seven hours.”

I turned to him.

That was kind of long. We were going to drive directly to it?

He caught me looking and only replied with, “We’ll take breaks every six hours or so.”

The car moved beneath me as he drove.

Silence fell over us, and we didn’t speak to each other again. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask him, but he was so moody. Road trips were supposed to be adventurous, but I had the most boring traveling partner. I cranked down the window, and I glanced at Dimitri to see if he would mind, but he said nothing. I stared outside at the busy streets of Manhattan. I would be leaving the city I had lived in.

I waited for the realization to hit me, but it didn’t. Maybe because the city stopped being mine a long time ago.

I rested my head against the window and simply stared at the skyscrapers and cars that swept past us.

Every now and then, my skin erupted in goosebumps when I caught him watching. Did he expect me to jump out of a moving car? I was locked in it surrounded by Death himself.

It wouldn’t kill him to loosen up and smile. He probably hadn’t ever smiled in his life.

Did he know how to?

A laugh wanted to erupt from my throat.

No music played in the car either.

This would be the longest road trip ever.

To pass some time, I counted the stars in the sky, but that soon turned out to be a terrible idea. The city had as many skyscrapers like it did stars. I closed my eyes for a few minutes, hoping the car would lull me to sleep, but it didn’t. I glanced to my left at my moody, traveling partner, and he stared directly at me unapologetically.

Had no one taught him that it was rude to stare?

I opened my mouth to call him out, but the words never came. Would he stop if I told him to stop staring? A tingle always stirred in my soul when he looked at me unashamedly.

His gaze was different like he was trying to see me.

Dry and curious.

Cautious and calculating.

I faced the window again and spoke.

“Do you not like talking?”

My voice came out in a grumble.

No answer greeted me.

My mind filled with other questions.

“How come you didn’t call the doctor and have him take out the tracker instead?” I didn’t face him as I spoke.

He continued to remain mute.

He was so quiet, it was like talking to a wall.

“Why didn’t you use your hands instead?”

Again, no answer.

My questions fell on deaf ears.

I had an idea though, and it might just piss him off… but I had to try. I didn’t want to live with Boring Boris forever.

“Do you know what’s going to happen to me after you’ve delivered me?” He didn’t answer, but I continued to speak anyway. “Do you know what’s one of the worst things to be in this world?” Again, no answer. I wasn’t sure if his eyes were still on me. I couldn’t sense his gaze.

I answered my own question, “A slave.”

Heavy silence fell in the car, and I didn’t dare to look at him.

“I used to dream about marriage once. I thought I could choose my destiny, but fate wasn’t on my side. Every little girl dreams of a fairytale,” a smile formed on my lips, “a storybook prince that one day would come to save her and sweep her off her feet. A prince charming,” I scoffed. “Well, prince charming isn’t real, and neither are knights in the shining armor. I’m headed to my funeral instead. How long do you think he can handle me before he kills me?”

I forced myself to breathe, and Dimitri hadn’t even replied even once. I wondered why he wouldn’t tell me to shut up already. “Once I’m with him, I’ll lose my voice,” my breath caught in my chest, but I continued, “I’ll have no free will. He’ll control my will. I will be a nobody… with a dog collar.” My eyes brimmed with water, but my voice remained clear.

“I’ll be lucky if I’ll even have clothes and showers. I might be leaving the skyscraper, but I will be held in another fancy home soon. He bound me with marriage to cage me forever. Even if I manage to run away, I wouldn’t be able to choose a man to marry,” I swallowed thickly, “because I’ll still belong to him. I will die in his captivity.”

Just the sounds of the wind and our breathing filled the car. Mine came out more erratic yet his remained calm.

My words didn’t hit him at all. Women probably tried to plead their cases all the time to him. Pakhan had picked the perfect person to do the deliveries.

A man with no heart and soul.

I stopped talking after a few moments, he wouldn’t respond to me anyway. Hopelessness filled my heart at my doomed fate. With every breath, I wouldn’t stop speaking or fighting.

A lightbulb flashed into my mind, and my eyes fluttered shut as the wind tousled with my hair.

Exhaling, I spoke again.

Maybe he would respond now…

“Do you know what he said to me before you came that night?” I fell silent as I simply breathed the cool air.

I counted in my head.

1…

2…

3…

4…

5…

6…

7…

8…

9…

“What did he say?”

A low harsh voice rolled out.

Blue.

I hid a smile and opened my eyes.

And I have hit the mark.

Use the right words and it provoked a response.

I was just another delivery for him to my so-called prince charming. Another job. I wasn’t human in his eyes, and determination filled my soul for him to look at me as one.

“Nine,” Blue said sternly. “What did he say?”

My heart trembled in ways I wish it didn’t.

The ways it didn’t for my new husband, but it did for Blue.

I would always be Nine to him. Number Nine. A meaningless number. He would never know my real name.

I wanted to ask him, why did he need to know about Boris? But I stayed quiet instead, staring outside through the window.

“Did he try to touch you before I arrived?”

My mouth remained shut now. I gave him the same silent treatment he’d shown me. Ignoring him, I rolled up the window and reached up a finger on the glass, and began playing tic-tac-toe with myself, even though it wasn’t foggy.

I had no one else to play with, and the brute next to me didn’t like games. I was just about to put another X when the car pulled to the side, and he slammed on the breaks.

My heart pounded and almost burst out of my chest. I flew forward, but my seatbelt protected me. A thump ached behind my head at the sudden rush of movement. Rubbing my stiff neck, I turned my head and met Blue.

His eyes were incredible.

They were unbelievable as the morning sky and just as beautiful. But that’s all he had. Just beautiful eyes. No depth filled them. It was a pity actually.

His jaw ticked, and the edges around his eyes narrowed.

“Answer me,” he commanded.

I crossed my arms over my chest, defiantly and remained quiet. He would have to pry the truth out of me because I wouldn’t reveal it to him.

“Do I need to shove the tracker back in your body?”

Dick. My heart thudded.

I stared at my sparkling nails, finding them more fascinating than him. A low snarl erupted, and I wondered if the Dimitri from last night had returned. The one who’d almost killed me. Maybe he would bash my head against the window. I cringed internally. That wouldn’t be pretty. I peeked a glance, and he still glared. I turned my nose at him and huffed out a breath.

“You little stubborn fuck,” he chided.

Stealing another glance at me, he put the car back in drive and moved forward.

❖

The next six hours passed in silence.

No music and no conversations.

Dimitri was pissed at me the whole time, and he hadn’t spoken one word at all.

Good. Two can play at the game.

I noticed a sign on the highway that said, North Carolina. I wondered where I would be given the dope.

Maybe another state. This was my first road trip, and I’d never been on an assignment overseas. Most of the business occurred within the states.

Just before sunrise, around 3 AM, we stopped by a cheap motel near the highway. I thought he would pick a more lavish hotel suitable for his lifestyle.

I glanced at Dimitri’s simple clothes. He didn’t dress fancy, and I almost wanted to ask him why. Most rich people had a certain high-class vibe about them, but he seemed to fit in with the working-class crowd. I wondered if he purposely dressed modestly to blend in with everyone that people couldn’t suspect who he was and what he did for a living. The kind to slip in and dip before he would get caught.

Looking away from him, I peered at the six stories tall motel bathed in strong browns and forest hues.

It might have seen better days. The more I looked, the more its unruliness spooked me. There was something strange about motels, especially at nighttime. So silent and chilling to the bones with their dimmed hallway lights.

You didn’t know what you might find in the dark.

There was a dangerous, trashy vibe to them. They weren’t like a local inn but the type where people went to fuck for an hour and leave. Different from hotels where they required a day’s check-out compared to motel’s where you can check-in by the hour. It was almost like they were built purely for hookups.

Before we exited, Blue turned to look in my direction and spoke calmly. “One rule. If you try to talk to seek help, I will burn this building down and massacre everyone.”

I didn’t miss the lethal warning in his monstrous voice.

For six long hours, his moody ass had ignored me, and now he threatened me. His eyes narrowed, but I didn’t doubt him at all. He was true to his word.

“How can you kill innocent people?” I chided.

He tilted his head.

“No one is truly innocent. We’re all sinners.”

“You’ll have their deaths on your conscience!”

He arched an eyebrow.

“It’s a good thing I don’t have a conscience then.”

I sulked in my seat, frowning and pondering over his reply.

He stepped out of the car.

I looked around for people in the deserted parking lot, but it was still in the middle of the night. His warning still ran shivers through my body. I still needed to ask someone for help. We carried our bags inside the reception area. A young, perhaps an eighteen-year-old cute kid with curly brown hair and a mouth full of braces at the front desk smiled at us.

His badge read Sam.

I bit down on my lip, wanting to tell him to help me, but Dimitri had a gun.

“Here you go Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy,” the sweet boy said with another smile.

My eyes softened at him.

Maybe if I could sneak downstairs…

I glanced at the phone at the counter. Maybe if I could use that and call the cops or if given the chance, I could run.

Obviously, Dimitri had given the boy a fake alias for identification. I wasn’t surprised he had a false ID for me too. He’d booked one room for us. I guess he wouldn’t let me out of his sight. Dimitri had picked up food through a local joint’s drive-through and carried it upstairs to the second floor.

At least the walls didn’t have mold on them, although the carpets underneath us had cigarette burns.

Dimitri used one of the two key cards as we entered, and I eyed him sneakily when he didn’t hand me one of the key cards.

The room had a single bedroom with blue bedsheets. I sulked that I might have to share the bed with him. White walls met me, and an urge to paint them filled my heart. They looked plain and empty like a blank canvas. My hands itched to retrieve my tools and start smearing the walls yellow. I held in a sigh. I couldn’t ruin the walls in someone else’s home.

He dropped his bag on the floor, and I followed suit. I didn’t know where to sit so I just stood. I stared silently as Dimitri switched on the lamp, took out the food from the bag, and glanced up. He nodded at the bathroom.

Blue.

They commanded without his mouth saying much at all.

I tiptoed to the restroom, entering it while glancing behind me. His eyes were permanently glued to my face. Sometimes I couldn’t tell if he thought I was the most fascinating thing in the world or a science experiment to diagnose.

I stared into the mirror at my hollow eyes. Radiance and brightness were gone from them. Only long nights of restless sleep and nightmares remained.

I stayed there for a few minutes. I splashed my face a couple of times, and I washed my hands before I exited.

Dimitri threw his sandwich wrapper in the dustbin when I walked out. He had eaten already.

Well, I guess it wasn’t dinner for two anymore.

I sat on the bed, unwrapped my sandwich, and munched on it like a starved animal. Hopefully, he would be disgusted by me, and he would shift to another room.

He only texted on his phone, and I eyed him curiously.

Black clothes still clung to his skin, and his day-old stubble grew on his face. My gaze trailed to his long, strong fingers that texted furiously. Fingers that wrung people’s necks for a living.

I jerked my head down and focused on my sandwich, too sick to stomach it down now. When I forced myself to finish, I threw the wrapper in the dustbin.

I glanced up at Dimitri who still stood the entire time.

“Where are you sleeping?” I asked casually.

He paused and met my eyes. “On the bed.”

I stilled. “Okay… where am I sleeping?”

“On the bed,” he deadpanned.

I arched an eyebrow and instantly sat upright. I waited for him to clarify. He couldn’t be serious.

“I am not sleeping with you,” I declared.

“You’re sleeping next to me,” he corrected. Before I could counter, he added, “If you want the floor, be my guest.”

I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Why can’t you sleep on the floor?”

He looked at me like I was an idiot. “The floor is hard, and I don’t need aching bones when I drive.”

Stumped, I lost any argument I had.

“Fine. I’ll sleep on the floor then,” I replied. “There is no way in hell I’m sharing the bed with you.”

He remained quiet, so I guess he didn’t care.

Sighing, I turned around and took off my flats.

I headed to the bathroom with my bag.

I emerged out of it with my hair still braided and dressed in cotton, wine-colored pajamas. No way I would prance around in a nightie in front of him.

My mouth almost dropped to the floor at the sight before me. Dimitri already sat on the bed, shirtless. He’d changed into sweatpants. He looked like a present waiting for me. I wanted to slap myself across the face for thinking that.

Fuck. Why the hell would he remove his shirt?

I opened my mouth to speak, but his eyes flashed to me. I closed my mouth. His gaze lingered at my braid swaying behind me before trailing down to my collarbones, my breasts, and my legs. My body tingled, and everywhere his gaze looked, it charred me. My fitted pajamas accentuated my soft curves. Even with clothes on, his eyes stripped me bare.

I studied him, the same way he studied me.

His muscles bulged and strained against his rock-hard chest. Now he didn’t look like a conventional man, one on steroids perhaps. He was built like a freaking hurricane or like a wrestler. I glanced at his pale inky skin. Black tattoos engraved onto his skin, a lifetime of the underworld swirled on every inch of his chest and arms. The sharp contrast stood out against his fair Russian skin. My eyes caught the smoke and fire ink.

Lifting my gaze, it trailed the little dagger tattoo on the side of his neck. The only part of him not covered in ink was his face. Once I finished inspecting, I met his hard eyes.

“Your shirt is off,” I stated, my voice laced with disapproval.

“My sweats will come off next if you don’t shut up.”

I didn’t know why that threat sounded so sexy.

Swallowing, I headed toward the bed. His curious gaze continued to look at me with something other than disgust and lust. I sat on the corner of the bed and declared it as mine for now. I needed something soft before I went to sleep on the precious floor. I looked at him.

“Do you snore?” I asked.

He arched a subtle eyebrow but didn’t reply.

“Does the bed creak when you move a lot?”

He countered, “How am I supposed to know?”

I continued asking, “Don’t women ever tell you?”

He looked at me like he wanted to choke me.

“I kick them out at the end of the night.”

I was miffed at his rude response.

“You’re a perfect gentleman then,” I replied with sarcasm. “I hope you don’t pass gas when you sleep.”

He blinked and I stared at his long lashes.

“Do you ever shut up?”

“Nope. Freedom of speech,” I replied. Before I could regret it, I asked the one question I’d been itching to ask the entire night. “Do you have something on you?”

He only looked at me stonily. He would never have to worry about getting wrinkles or Botox for the rest of his life.

The man never even smiled.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I have an itch.”

“Then, scratch it.”

I sighed. He was so oblivious.

I glared some more, my eyes burning into him.

“Not the literal kind,” I replied, wrinkling my nose.

He licked his lips as if pondering in thought.

“I don’t fuck whores. Use your hand.”

I wasn’t offended. Had he looked into my past?

“I’m not interested in sleeping with you,” I said with a scowl. “Do you have some good shit on you? I ran out of mine.”

Yes, I’m a junkie too.

Why don’t we add that to the list of my sins?

In this crime world, we were all sinners.

Dimitri was right in a way.

He was a mobster, and I was a whore.

When he didn’t reply, I continued, “I thought Boss might have mentioned it to you. He let me in the penthouse.”

Dimitri rose from the bed, the bed creaked as he did. He walked toward his bag, and I trailed my gaze on his bare back. More tattoos were on his skin. Arrows and daggers.

His footsteps retreated and he returned with a little baggie with pills in them. Rainbow colors. I recognized them, but I still asked to be sure. “Is it molly?”

He gave a small curt nod and handed me the baggie.

I snatched it from him without a thank you and placed two on my tongue. I could still feel his eyes on me.

The taste of the pills’ bitterness melted, and I almost groaned when I swallowed. That shit never tasted good, kind of like booze when you had the first taste, but then you became used to it. The feel of it like fire under my skin, being grounded and alive. My heart rate increased, and blood warmed under my skin and rushed to my veins. A chill tingled my spine, and I arched my back. A euphoric rush consumed me as my mind ran wild.

Aah... pure ecstasy.

A high much better than sex.

The high of an orgasm lasted only a few minutes before you came crashing down. The rush of taking dope, on the other hand, would last me through the morning. My body warmed, and I lifted higher until I floated in the air like a lifeless creature.

I have no body, no soul, no name, I’m Bratva.

I wasn’t initiated. I didn’t have the oath tattooed on my chest nor did I carry the Brotherhood’s tattoo, but I never felt so close to them until this moment came. I was the most important person in this entire world. This was my universe, and I ruled it.

I had a true purpose in life. Once, I’d figured it out, I would announce it. I opened the baggie to take another one, but it was snatched from my hand. Opening my lulled eyes, I peered up at a fuzzy Dimitri who clutched it in his hand

“You had enough,” he said shortly.

“You are so grumpy,” I chided under my breath. “Would it kill you to smile?”

No response greeted me.

“Do you know how to smile?”

My voice sounded too far away from me.

“You could use a pill too,” I whispered.

My heart pounded, and it vibrated against my eardrums. My head spun as my eyes focused on the ceiling, the plain white color changing with a churning whirlpool of colors. My heart worked overtime as the room spun.

My breath caught in my throat and my body heated.

I felt hot. Too hot.

My heart pumped in my chest, trying to claim all the oxygen.

I focused on my heartbeats.

1.2.3.4.5…

I lost count and pressed a hand against my stuttering heart, willing it to calm down. A prickle of sweat rolled down my forehead. “It’s so damn hot,” I whined, pouting.

I lifted my heavy head and peered up at him.

“Blue,” I whispered.

His cold eyes stayed on mine.

“You’re so blue.”

A tingle ran through my spine, jostling right in the core, at the center of my thighs.

Shit. That wouldn’t be good.

His eyebrows creased as he took me in.

Did he find me attractive?

I wouldn’t think that when I was Sober Nine, but I was High Nine right now. He had such nice eyes though, much nicer than my darling husband’s. The specks of the gold in his eyes were beautiful. He was beautiful…

And his lips. His full mouth was nice too.

I frowned, remembering for a second who he was. Wasn’t he delivering me? I squinted and shook my head, hoping to knock some sense into my mind. The high made me think the bad guy was the good guy. With my fuzzy brain, everything spun around me when I sat upright, facing him.

He still leaned against the headboard, never moving toward me. I think he enjoyed watching me make a fool out of myself. I smiled. All he needed was some popcorn.

Space still existed between us on the large king-size bed. I sank my knees into the soft bedsheets and placed my hands on the mattress. I moved toward him in slow motion.

When you come to me, I want you to greet me on all fours. You’ll be on your knees.

I wanted to laugh at my darling husband’s demand.

I was on all fours, crawling, but for a different man.

For this man, I would…

Blue remained quiet, and not one word left from his lips. I was in front of him now. I gave a little smile, but he didn’t return one. Oops. Mr. Brooding didn’t know how to smile.

How could I forget that?

A hysterical giggle left from my lips as I reached out a hand and traced a finger across a black tattoo on his skin. A tremble ran through my body, hitting my core again.

Now wasn’t the best time to be getting frisky, but it was like my hands had a mind of their own.

I still remembered being pressed against his hard body when I bit him… or when he bit me. My eyes fell on the side of his neck where a yellow bruise remained.

His body went rigid, and he tensed up under my touch. He didn’t pull away though. I took it as my cue to continue. Smiling, my hand explored his ink, my eyes hungrily taking in the artwork carved into his skin that came to life under my fingers. They swirled underneath my fingertips, resembling a blob.

I wanted to be the ink on his skin.

The weight on his skin.

I trailed upward toward his heart.

Is it even alive?

Curious, I rested a hand against his dead heart.

I pressed my lips together as I waited to sense the beats.

My eyes widened at the thumps underneath me.

He was alive after all. I grinned. Fascinated, I felt some more. My pulse spiked at the erratic heartbeats thumping inside his chest. My sanctuary laid in his heart, an eternal flame. With my other hand, I rested a hand against my own heartbeat.

Wild, crazed, and intense.

His heart sounded just like mine… but I was the one who was high, not him.

Be still my heart.

Puzzled, I looked up, meeting his stormy eyes.

Bolts of electricity ran through my veins, and my hazy eyes landed back on his chest. A heavy cloud breezed through my mind. Looking for a distraction, I tried tickling him, but he didn’t laugh. I tried some more, but his lip didn’t even tilt. I was about to tickle him again, but his large hand pressed against my own, covering it and stopping me. His skin was warm and rough against mine, his hand completely enveloped mine.

My heart rose, the increasing pressure was thicker than water. It flip flopped, and my thighs clench. I bit down on my lip before looking up. I’d never been this deep before. I’d never felt a man’s heartbeat before. We shouldn’t be touching…

It was a forbidden touch. I was off-limits to him. At least, I think I was. I didn’t know if the Bratva men trained the girls themselves. I was too afraid to ask him.

“Blue,” I breathed.

His eyes fell on my lips before returning to my eyes.

“Why do you call me Blue?”

A soft laugh left my lips. I thought I had explained that to him once, but I realized I was high then too. No way Dimitri Nikolaev had sneaked into my room and screwed me.

His pupils dilated, the blue disappearing until his eyes looked almost black.

I stopped laughing.

I’d never seen his eyes like that before.

I’d been nude in front of him once, they hadn’t dilated then.

They hadn’t dilated when I stripped to my undergarments.

Why now?

I wanted to know everything about him.

What he liked. What he disliked.

What turned him on. What turned him off.

He was a mysterious man.

Someone I’d never came across before.

He didn’t think like a normal person, not because he was in the mob, but because of another reason. That much was obvious to me, but I still didn’t understand why. I wanted to please him, but I didn’t know if he would let me. Maybe that was the ecstasy still thinking. I didn’t think about sex as much, sometimes I used my hand for a quick fix, but I hadn’t touched a man in a while.

“Your eyes, Blue,” I replied to his original question.

We stared at each other.

“Laugh again.”

His deep command jostled my insides.

I turned my nose in the air.

“I can’t just laugh on demand,” I argued, my eyes widened, although I still smiled. “Why don’t you laugh for me?”

I waited but no laugh came.

Brute. I glanced down at my hand, still pressed against his skin, at his chest before removing it. His eyes moved down before meeting mine again.

“You have the most incredible eyes,” I admitted.

I expected him to blush, but I aimed too high.

“I like blue eyes. They remind me of the sky.”

Again, he stayed mute.

“It’s common manners to say thank you when someone gives you a compliment,” I huffed out before rolling my eyes.

I rubbed the back of my sweaty neck. It was still so goddamn warm. Was the air conditioner even on?

I glanced around my surroundings, and I almost lost my balance with my fuzzy vision. I fell on Blue’s hard chest, and his hand gripped the back of my waist, holding me steady.

My eyes fell on the air conditioner. It was on. Furrowing my eyebrows, I looked at him again.

“Why aren’t you hot?” I demanded. “I’m burning up.”

He didn’t reply as usual.

An idea ran through my mind like it was the answer to all of my prayers. I reached down and pulled the hem of my cotton shirt up, over my head, before I dropped it on the bed. I’d skipped wearing a bra since I’d planned on sleeping. A rush of cool air landed on my skin, and I sighed happily.

Invincible. That’s what I felt in that moment. I was the whole damn earth, and Blue was my sky.

He blew out a breath, and his eyes moved from my face before dropping to my bare breasts and meeting my eyes again.

My nibbles pebbled, and my heart wanted to burst out of my chest. Colors swirled through my mind. I smiled brightly like a lunatic. I was bare in front of him, but I didn’t care about my modesty. I waited for his pupils to dilate again… but they didn’t.

Puzzled, I asked, “I’m topless in front of you. Why aren’t your eyes changing again?”

He arched a refined eyebrow.

“I’ve seen enough tits to last a lifetime.”

I bristled at his reply and huffed under my breath.

I guess I didn’t compare to the women he’d been with before. Hurt flashed through my soul.

“Do I not please you?” I whispered.

That was a big blow to my ego.

I never had people say I displeased them. I searched his eyes for his arousal, but they were vacant. I glanced down at his sweatpants, and I peeked at his thick bulge.

Dazed, I stared into his blank eyes again before eyeing his package again. It didn’t make sense. His erection didn’t match his eyes. Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I pondered over it like it was my latest mission to diagnose him.

He was hard, but his eyes never revealed anything. It was almost like a bodily reaction and nothing more. A simple stimulation. People were fantastic at hiding their feelings, but they couldn’t hide them that well. Occasionally, you catch a glimpse through the cracks. A little smile. Softened eyes.

A stumped thought hit me.

Did Blue even have feelings?

Before I could question myself, I climbed onto his lap and sat on his bulge.

God knows what I was doing…

I liked how it rubbed against me, hitting me between my legs through our clothes. I blinked slowly, my eyes widening with every second. Blue didn’t shove me off and I wondered why.

Placing my hands on his shoulders, I leaned close to him until my bare breasts brushed against his. His rough fine hairs rubbed against my skin, hardening my nipples.

A tiny moan left my lips, and his eyes went to my mouth again. His lashes were so long, it was unfair. I wanted to trace them with my fingertips.

My gaze dropped to his large, veiny hands. I blinked, observing them before I reached below and picked one up. He stiffened but didn’t push me away. I traced the blue-like veins hidden beneath his fair skin. So fascinating and attractive. I glanced at my own hands, and my veins were barely visible.

I glanced up at him, meeting his eyes.

“Tell me,” I cooed, my breath landing on his lips. “You don’t like the way I look?”

He tilted his head.

“I don’t get fully turned on by appearance alone.”

My heart jumped to my throat.

“Then, what else?” I asked breathlessly.

“Substance. I need substance.”

I pulled my head back and blinked rapidly.

That made no sense to me. He was so damn complicated. Blowing out a frustrated breath, I glanced up at the ceiling and stared at it. It looked so much more fascinating now. My mind went in and out, my eyes tracing the colorful patterns. I stayed like this for seconds, maybe minutes, just staring, lost in space.

My body still brushed against his with my erect nipples, and he remained hard below me… yet I didn’t move at all, and neither did he. Perhaps, he didn’t want my amorous advances.

He was different from the Dimitri in my dream, the one I’d imagined, the one who’d taken me recklessly.

“You’re high as fuck,“ his voice spoke.

My head jerked back down, looking at him.

I laughed.

I didn’t know why I found that hilarious, but I couldn’t stop laughing. I threw my head back. My high-pitch sounds crackled through the air, breaking the chaotic tension between us. My cheeks hurt from smiling too much.

I returned to look at Blue again, still laughing.

His pupils dilated again.

So black, large, and beautiful.

Substance.

My laughing vanished, leaving only silence again.

“Do I get to hear you laugh too?”

My voice came out hoarse.

He licked his tongue over his teeth, my greedy eyes following that movement. I think he had enough of me because his hand brushed against my breasts and pushed me from him. I landed on the bed. My nipples still tingled under his touch.

“Sleep,” Blue ordered.

I smiled again, liking how his eyes followed my lips. He liked my laughter, but the man would never admit it. He’d noticed it, and I should laugh more around him now.

I sighed, content as I tucked myself under my covers. Blue did the same. A nagging voice reminded me that I had to sleep on the floor. Why would I sleep on the floor if I had this comfy bed? I couldn’t believe I’d ever thought that.

Glancing over to me, Blue reached out a hand and grabbed my waist, tugging my body closer until my breasts brushed against his chest. My racing, treacherous heart sped up and I looked at him with parted lips. He didn’t look like the cuddling type even though he did look like a giant grizzly bear.

Before I could ask him, he caught me staring and spoke.

“I don’t need you running off in the middle of the night.”

It only made me smile harder.

He reached out behind him, and turned off the nightlamp, the night cloaking us in darkness. His muscular arms wrapped around my waist like death himself. His grip was firm as he locked me to him. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t escape his tight hold. His crisp scent engulfed my senses and I sniffed him.

I sighed in delight and satisfaction filled my soul. He must think I was such a weirdo. My fingers still wanted to play some more. I reached up and trailed his skin in the darkness. His chest tensed with every movement.

“Stop it,” he murmured.

I pouted. Brute.

I continued to poke him again, but he didn’t tell me to stop anymore. Eventually, when I finished exploring, my tired fingers stopped. My desire to explore evaporated, leaving no trace behind that it ever existed. My body was like jelly, and my mind went in and out. My eyes slowly closed. With my heart content, I sighed blissfully and snuggled up against him. The side of my face resting on his chest, on his heart.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

His heartbeats went in and out.

My new favorite sound.

I didn’t know if he had fallen asleep.

I hoped he had.

“I wish he was you instead,” I whispered, my mind fading.

It would only be admitted in the dark.

I would forget it tomorrow.

“If I had to choose between him or you, I would pick you… as my husband.” My vision went black after I finished with, “I wish you would keep me.”