Perceive by K E Osborn

 

 

KENZI

 

My eyes are glued to the large industrial-looking building that’s lit up like the damn fourth of July. The gates roll open, allowing our three-car convoy to cruise through and into the compound.

The headlights of the SUV we’re in scan across the long line of Harleys standing proudly to the left, their chrome sparkling like it has been freshly buffed.

I can’t draw my eyes away, something about the sight sucking me in and forcing a smile onto my lips.

They’re simply beautiful.

Magnificent.

I agreed for tonight to feel things out, allow myself to just take in the atmosphere and the world around me with no pressure. I want to be able to sense things and know that this place was special, to just feel it in my bones. But I knew it’s going to be hard, given the pressure from my mind to feel something familiar.

I already know from what Axel told me that this place was more than just a clubhouse.

It had been my home for years.

It was where I grew up, where I first walked, where I learned to first kick a ball, and where I found my first love. My eyes flicker to Axel who’s sitting beside me in the backseat, while Kace and his fiancé, Lily, take the front. She seems sweet, quiet but kind. Axel is fidgeting, tugging at his club cut, rolling his shoulders.

“I told you, you should have ridden here,” I scold. I don’t like seeing him so uncomfortable. I assume it’s because he’s sitting in the back seat of this SUV and not astride a Harley, which I know is an extension of who he is and where he feels at home.

“I’ll wait,” he mutters to himself, keeping his eyes facing directly ahead.

I want to ask what for.

But we’ve pulled to a stop and someone outside reaches for my door. My leg bounces nervously, my stomach churning as my heart skips a few beats. The door flies open, and an older man stands outside with a wide grin and what could be mistaken for tears brimming his waterline. “Well, fuck me,” he croaks, shaking his head. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”

My fingernails dig into my legs, pinching at the pair of thick denim jeans I’m wearing as my eyes flick nervously between the other people in the car with me.

“Dad, let her have some space,” Axel growls as he climbs out the opposite side of the car, his heavy boots stomping on the gravel as he rounds to my side. My body is so alert to his presence, it’s like a strange game of hot and cold—when he steps too far away, a chill sets in, but when he’s close, I burn. As he rounds the car and comes closer again, it’s as if this protective wall of heat sweeps me up again, and I can suddenly breathe.

The older man steps back as Axel shuffles in, holding his hand out for me, the hard look on his face intensifying. I pause for a second, placing my small hand into Axel’s, but squeezing it tightly until his eyes find mind.

“It feels like you’re more nervous than I am,” I whisper, though I know the words are far from true.

I can already feel the pain building at the back of my head, a dull thud I know at any moment can turn into agony.

Sure, up until this point, Axel has shown me things that contradict everything I’ve ever been told by Hendrix. I’ve spent time with him, his friends, his team, and for the most part, they’ve shown me nothing but kindness, and even understanding. I know I don’t deserve it because my mouth tends to run away with itself.

But this environment.

This is new.

It isn’t normal.

This is a club full of men, who I’ve been told for years, abused me, raped me, treated me like I’m no better than a piece of trash on the sidewalk. That was burned into my brain, over and over and over.

It isn’t something I can just easily erase.

I’m fucking petrified.

Terrified there’s a chance it might be true.

“I’m nervous because I can feel how scared you are,” Axel answers, stepping in front of the open door so he’s blocking my vision of everything outside. His eyes hold mine, and he won’t let them go, but I think that’s the point. “Of anywhere on this entire earth, this is the one place you should feel the safest.”

“But it’s not,” I throw back honestly.

“But it will be… in time.”

He moves to step back, but I tighten my grip again, halting his escape. “What if I don’t remember?”

He shakes his head. “That’s not the point here, Kenzi. The point is not to force your memories to come back, or to introduce you to every club member in hopes someone or something will spark that part of your brain.” My brows knot as I focus on him, my heart leaping bound by bound. “Trust me when I tell you, you won’t have to remember anything to feel the love these people have for you.”

He steps back, a light tug on my hand forcing me from the safety of the back seat. Guilt swirls in my stomach, fighting with the nerves and apprehension. It’s a stronger emotion, one that’s determined to make me feel like absolute shit for judging the club before I’ve even had the chance to meet them.

So, I’ll keep my guard up, my walls as strong as possible.

But maybe it won’t be so bad if I remove a brick occasionally.

“Kenzi, this is Falcon, Malice MC president, and my father,” Axel drawls as we walk toward the older man, who thankfully, had actually given us some space for those few moments so I could get my shit together. “And that’s his old lady, Jinx, my mom.”

Falcon just stares at me, eyes wide and his chest growing as he inhales then exhales in an almost relieved sigh. Jinx has tears streaking her cheeks, her tongue snaking out as they collect on her bright red lips before curling up into a gentle smile. “Welcome home,” she murmurs, her body urging forward but pulled to a halt by Falcon who dips his head and whispers in her ear.

It’s a gesture that sends a wave of warmth through me, the way he holds her with such love and reverence, how he speaks to her gently for no one else to hear.

So that’s where Axel gets it from.

My eyes flicker up to the man beside me, the stern look on his face, one I’m growing to understand as more than just a hardened shell, but more a protective one.

“We won’t bombard you with hugs or let anyone get in your face,” Falcon finally announces as Jinx turns into him, her arms circling his waist and her head resting next to his president’s patch. “We’re just happy to have you home.”

Home.

This is home.

These people are home, and honestly, it’s hard to fight that gut feeling in me telling me they’re exactly right.

I press my lips together, drawing in a long, deep breath through my nose, allowing it to push my shoulders back and force a little fake confidence into my body.

Maybe as we follow them into the clubhouse, Axel’s team close behind us, no one will notice my legs shaking or the sweat that has soaked my hairline.

The second I step through the doorway, my eyes are busy, taking in everything. “This place is amazing,” I mutter to myself as I follow the picture-covered walls round to the bar. Members almost fill every bar stool, the line of patched backs face me like a wall of pride. You can see it, how these people feel about the club and how much it means to them. It’s in the way they wear their colors, the way they hold themselves, and the flags and photos of honor that decorates nearly every inch of spare space.

And yet, I feel fucking nothing.

My fingers curl into fists at my sides, and I’m thankful for the way the chatter seems to carry on around me, like everyone in the building has been ordered not to stop and stare.

“Come on,” Jinx urges, finally slipping from Falcon’s grasp on her while he’s chatting with Kace and Luca. Her hand wraps gently around my wrist, the gesture actually feeling soft and motherly as she guides me across the room. “Ruin has been itching to see you.”

The name sounds familiar, and for a second, excitement washes over me.

Maybe this means something.

I quickly check over my shoulder, noticing Axel isn’t following along behind us. He trusts these people, and he trusts them with me, just like he does his team.

Tanner instead, floats along behind us, keeping a fair distance but making it obvious she’s right here.

If I need her?

Or if I try to escape?

I’m not quite sure.

We reach a small table that seems to be hidden in the corner of the room. A young guy sits there with his head dipped, chatting closely with a girl, who if I’m not mistaken, has her hand down his pants.

It actually draws a sharp giggle from me, and my hand shoots up to cover my mouth, but not before his dark eyes lift. They narrow sharply for a whole two seconds before they grow wider. “Fuck,” he curses under his breath, pulling away from the girl who seems quite happy to ignore my presence, even as Jinx practically forces me into the seat on the other side of the table. “Katie, go grab me a beer.”

“But Ruin—”

“Now,” he growls, his eyes never leaving mine while his little girlfriend huffs out a sharp breath and shoves her chair back before storming off.

My shoulders slump when I realize the name didn’t sound familiar because of a memory from before, it sounded familiar because we’ve already met. 

“You want a drink, love?” Jinx questions with a beaming smile. “Wine, vodka, something stronger?”

“Axel said she’s not allowed to drink, Mom,” Ruin states, leaning back in his chair.

“Just a glass of water would be great,” I tell Jinx with a smile, watching her grin widely before marching off, her hips swaying like a woman with all the confidence in the world. When she disappears behind the bar, I turn my attention back to the smug-looking guy sitting at the table.

Axel’s brother.

“You’re going to dump that glass of water over my head, aren’t you,” he inquires with a knowing smirk.

“Payback’s a bitch, huh?” I taunt, folding my arms across my chest and raising my brow.

His low chuckle is something I’ve never expected my body to respond to.

But not in that way.

Not like how it responds to Axel.

With Ruin, it’s different.

It’s like how they say working out makes you happy, how it creates endorphins and all that bullcrap, and it makes you feel good.

Ruin’s laugh is like endorphins.

I can’t fight the smile growing on my face as I listen to that low, rumbling laughter that seems to move through me like an earthquake. It’s addictive, and it’s stupid, but I love it.

“You know,” he announces, another small chuckle following. “This is fucked up.”

A loud snort leaves my nose, making several people close by jump. “You’re telling me this is fucked up? Try looking at this place and knowing it should be important, knowing you should be important, but not having a clue. Like… where the bathrooms are, or where did I used to sleep. Not knowing what your favorite color is or being able to remember the fights I’m sure we’ve had.”

My knee is bouncing again, my heart beating along with it. Faster and faster as that feeling of unknowing, and guilt begins to swirl in the air around me.

“Stop it,” he snaps, frowning deeply. “See, you’re concerned about this whole, I must remember, I must remember bullshit. But what you don’t realize, is for us, we’re just looking at the same Kenzi we always knew.”

My head falls a little to the side, the jerk in my knee beginning to slow as I focus in on Ruin.

“You don’t have to remember to know,” he urges, leaning forward and bracing his arms on the table. “You know you’re tough. You know you’re not afraid to speak up, and you also know that your loud-ass mouth gets you in a whole lot of fucking shit.”

He’s right.

So fucking right.

“You also know that when you care, you care harder and stronger than any other person you know. And you know that’s okay with you because you don’t like to take things, but you love to give.”

“What he’s trying to say is… we see the same person,” Axel cuts in, dragging out a chair and taking a seat around our tiny wooden table. One with three chairs. The tabletop scratched with random letters is in the corner of the room. It seems like it’s almost made for us. I reach out, tracing some of the worn writing that has been etched in as Axel continues, “Same smart mouth, hardcore biker bitch that once broke Ruin’s nose because he said you liked the color pink.”

A burst of laughter shoots from my mouth.

And for a second, I can almost see it in my head.

Not because I remember, but because I knew that it was one of their memories.

And I know in my gut they’re real.

“Tell me more,” I demand suddenly, reaching out, tugging on Axel’s club cut, noting the way Ruin sits a little taller, the smile on his face growing.

I want to know.

I want to hear them.

And it isn’t because I think they might trigger something, but because I just know they’re a part of me anyway.

Maybe that is all I’m going to get.

Maybe that will be enough.

“When Ruin kissed your best friend at middle school, you started a rumor that Ruin dyed his hair because it was already turning gray…”

I gasp, my eyes flicking between the two boys with a smile.

Axel is completely amused as Ruin sits with his arms folded across his chest, practically pouting.

Axel’s eyes shoot wide open, and he sits straight. “And then this one time…”