Since You Happened by Holly Hall
Chapter 28
Haley’s front door swings open, and she only has to take one look at my face before she beckons me in. I’m past the point of crying, but it’s easy to see from my bloodless expression that something’s happened.
“What is it, Blake?” she asks as she closes the door behind me. I go to drop my keys on the bar, and I spot Daniel seated on the couch beneath a blanket. He smiles and gives me a friendly wave.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about Daniel being here,” I say, turning back toward the door.
Haley just shakes her head, brows furrowed, as if that is irrelevant. “It’s fine. Tell me what’s going on. It’s not Landon, is it?”
I lean my shoulders back against the wall and nod, feeling drained of energy. “He showed up at the hospital yesterday.”
I hear a rustling sound as Daniel rises from the couch. “I was actually going to go pick up some food. It’ll give you both some time to talk. You want anything, Blake?”
I shake my head. “You don’t have to leave. I feel bad that I didn’t call.”
“Forget it. You’re my best friend and Daniel’s a grown man; he won’t get his feelings hurt.” She tosses her keys to Daniel. “What do you think about Mexican, babe?”
Daniel nods his agreement, giving Haley a kiss on the cheek before opening the front door.
“Better make it the family-size enchiladas,” Haley calls after him, and he just winks over his shoulder before disappearing down the hall.
I walk through to her living room and sink down onto the couch, gathering my hair into a ponytail. I’ve been running my hands through it so much in the past two days that it’s a stringy mess.
Haley sits down right on top of the coffee table so she’s directly in front of me. “Alright, start from the beginning. You haven’t even heard from him since December, right?”
I nod, dragging a breath into my lungs before diving in. I recant how he was waiting at my car; how he began the conversation at my apartment by apologizing for leaving the way he did. I tell her about him coming to the event and sending the mysterious bouquet. I go over every detail I can remember, and by the end of it, both of us are tearful.
“He admitted he was wrong, and that his reaction had everything to do with his unreconciled issues and nothing to do with me. You have no idea how hard it was to hear him talk about the person he was. He didn’t think he even deserved happiness after what happened.” I wipe a tear from my cheek with the heel of my hand.
“So did he just want to explain himself, or was he trying to get you back?” Haley asks, handing me a tissue from the box on her coffee table.
“He said he wants to prove to me that I’m enough for him. He said he loved me, in a way.” I chew on the inside of my cheek, remembering it. “I told him I’ve already forgiven him, but I’ve still got some recovering to do.”
Haley nods understandingly. “Well, he can’t expect you to just jump back into it after spending months being sad and angry about him with no one to take it out on.”
“I know, but he didn’t seem like he expected anything. I think he was surprised that I forgave him at all.” I dab my cheeks and wad the tissue in my fingers. “I mean, I always hoped he would come back and admit that he was wrong for making me feel like I was to blame. That’s all I wanted him to do, and now that he has, I want him. I want us. Was I wrong to send him away without a definitive answer?”
Leaning over, Haley unsticks a tendril of hair from the tears on my face and brushes it behind my ear. “No. It’s important that you take time for yourself. This is your chance to finally leave everything in the past. Don’t let even a shred of doubt follow you into the future.”
I sniff noisily and nod. Though it’s what I’ve already decided, her words help me come to peace with my decision. It may not be now, or even a few months from now, but I have a feeling that at some point, Landon and I will have our moment.
Though I doubted things could stay the same, the days gradually return to their normal tempo after my discussion with Landon. Some habits have remained since winter; like watching an exorbitant amount of Game of Thrones and consuming too much wine with my friends on girls’ night. But some things are newer and will probably serve to commemorate this strange new part of my life.
My friends have all taken it upon themselves to encourage the growth of this new version of me, like I’m their little pet project or something. Haley came up with the idea to attend a cooking class. Well, Daniel helped her. They’ve been going weekly as some kind of couples’ bonding exercise and signed me up themselves so I would feel obligated to go. The class is led by a renowned chef from a local restaurant who leads us through the creation of dishes originating from a different country every week. Not only does it motivate me to be more adventurous in my own kitchen, but it fills me with a buzz of anticipation to try anything and everything throughout our upcoming travels.
As far as other extracurricular activities go, since I currently lack other physical outlets to expel my energy, I sign up for boxing. It’s a good way to counteract the extra calories brought on by cooking class, and on most days, it just feels really good to beat the shit out of something. We start slow, mastering the correct stance and basic movements first, but by week two, we’re sparring with a partner. A lot of the attendees come together, so they pair off naturally, and I end up with a man named Ali more often than not. He’s a handsome guy, always friendly, and I’m pleased when he concentrates on the instructor’s critiques instead of using the hour to be overly flirtatious. So I’m taken aback when he asks me out for drinks after three sessions of sparring together. It’s like a shock to my senses. I almost tell him no as a reflex, but I think better of it. Why shouldn’t I go? We get along as far as small talk and punching each other’s mitts go, so I take him up on his offer.
After class, Ali and I use the mild spring evening as an excuse to walk the few blocks to Wayward, a trendy new gastro-pub. I find out on the way that he works in cyber security, though his official job title is a long one that I can’t remember five minutes after he tells me. Though many aspects are difficult for me to comprehend, his fascinating career gives us plenty of material to talk about during the hour-and-a-half we spend there, and time seems to slide by.
Seeing Ali outside of boxing class becomes a common occurrence over the next few weeks, and we even go out on a couple of dates. Landon, and our discussion, are ever-present in my thoughts, but I want to ensure that the feelings I have for him are so strong because we are meant for each other, not because he’s the first person my broken heart has fallen for in years.
In time, as I suspected it would, the chemistry between Ali and I proves to be strictly friendly. Kissing Ali feels a little like kissing a brother, though I can’t be positive since I don’t have one. Fortunately, he wholeheartedly agrees that we would be better off as friends, and he fits in seamlessly with Haley and Arielle when I introduce them all, so my time getting to know him wasn’t a total waste.
Though ultimately unsuccessful, my short stint with Ali helped to confirm something that’s been lingering in the back of my mind: what Landon and I had was neither a fluke nor a fling. I make a lot of realizations about things that stir up my soul and shake up everything I thought I knew. Most notably: that love isn’t a choice. It’s maddening to think of all the times people told me that in the past. Love is the greatest force in the world. It changes perspectives and doesn’t bend to societal norms. It is not afraid to break the rules. Something like that isn’t a choice, but at my darkest moments, I found myself wishing it was.
Love is work—forgiveness and compromise and acceptance—but I learn that love isn’t Ali, nor was it Sam. What I felt for Sam wasn’t anything like that. Sam was convenient and made sense at the time. I would feel bad for saying that if I didn’t think he believed it, too. Sam and I chose to say I love you when the time seemed right. I wasn’t given a choice with Landon. In fact, I resisted it every step of the way, but, like quicksand, or a riptide, it yanked me under without permission or warning.
I also recognize that if I continue on without exploring the possibility of us, I will forever be looking for the qualities I found in Landon in everyone else, and disappointingly, everyone else will fall short. I fell in love with Landon’s humility and his drive. I fell in love with his strength and his vulnerability. But most of all, I fell in love with his heart and its brokenness. In those shattered pieces, I found the way to put myself back together.
I might’ve lost the person I loved and experienced the worst heartbreak I’ve ever felt, but I gained a whole lot more in those lonely months. I learned the strength of forgiveness and how to let go of my guilt, and with those things, I learned how to take back my life. So I’ve made my decision. And I’ve never felt more confident about anything.