Saddle Up by CJ Bishop
CHAPTER 16
“The Guilt”
Garland woke to the sweet scent of Heff’s hair as the young man cuddled up against him, his head on the cowboy’s chest. Garland tentatively touched his hair. Submerged in a deep sleep, Heff didn’t stir. Garland ran his fingers through the short, dark strands, savoring the sensation as the boy’s soft locks feathered between his fingertips. The smell of Heff’s hair and his warm, even breath sifting across Garland’s chest brought a pleasant heat back into his loins. The idea of waking Heff and making love to him again was a pleasing thought… practically irresistible. But he let the boy sleep, the fact that Heff needed the rest being only part of his reason.
Carefully extracting himself from the bunk, Garland pulled on his underwear then stoked the fire. He had no idea what time it was, only that it was still dark outside. The blizzard raged on with no notable signs of letting up anytime soon, though Garland didn’t expect it to hold out through another full day. These storms rarely lasted that long.
He sat on the hearth, the fire warming his back, and stroked the hound’s head. “You did good, boy,” he whispered. “You and Heff… you saved my life. I am forever in your debt.” He glanced at the bunk and Heff’s sleeping form. “And his.”
The dog wriggled closer and laid its head on his thigh, its dark eyes darting toward Heff and back to Garland.
“He’s something else, isn’t he?” Garland murmured. “He told me once that he loved me.” He gazed at Heff, an ache knotting his throat. “Think that’s still true?”
Wind battered the cabin, whipping snow against the window.
Would he have braved the storm if he didn’t love you?
Garland remained awestruck by the young man’s courage in facing his worst fear—to save the man who had broken his heart and kicked him out of his life. What Heff had done for him was pure gift… because, God knows, Garland didn’t fucking deserve even a speck of Heff’s love or mercy.
You shouldn’t have made love to him again.
Because he had… it would only hurt Heff that much more when Garland stuck to his former decision and told Heff to go back to Maine. And he was sick to fuck of hurting the boy. But he couldn’t ask him to stay—and certainly not expect him to—just to save the ranch.
Is that the reason you’d ask him to stay… if you could?
No. It wasn’t about the ranch anymore. Maybe it never had been. His threats of forcing Heff to remain on the property… when analyzed… had nothing to do with the clause in the will. A part of him he’d refused to acknowledge for years was desperate to have Heff back in his life. Deep down, had he really been upset about the clause… or upset because Heff didn’t want to stay there with him?
Garland continued to puzzle over Frank and Mandy’s thought process while drawing up their will. What had moved them to insert such an… outlandish… clause? They were intelligent people who have never been prone to irrational or rash decisions. Yet, to the naked eye… this clause seemed exactly that.
What was he missing?
Why would they think this was a good idea? Heff had been away from the ranch for years with no apparent intention of returning. Why would they try and force him to return? Mandy encouraged Heff to follow his dreams of becoming a writer. She wasn’t the type to push him in a direction he didn’t want to go. Nor was Frank. So… what the fuck was the clause all about?
Garland sighed and stroked the hound’s fur. “You could’ve added a note explaining your thought process,” he mumbled to his late brother. “It would’ve been helpful.” Talking out loud to Frank made him feel… there—rather than eternally beyond his reach. He and Frank hadn’t always lived right in one another’s back pockets, but Frank was never more than a phone call away… or a few hours’ drive. His big brother had been his rock from day one. Garland was still in elementary school when their father passed away. A child himself, Frank stepped up and helped their mom, taking care of Garland when she had to work. Garland began to look to him as a father figure as well as a big brother. Frank had never let him down in either role.
Now, brother and father were gone. At the funeral, he felt like the lost and frightened child who had watched them lower his dad into the ground. Except for this time, there was no one to hold his hand as Frank had done the first time, standing dry-eyed beside his little brother, holding back his own pain to be strong for a broken, tearful Garland.
From behind his sunglasses, Garland didn’t watch Frank and Mandy’s caskets—he watched Heff. The boy’s presence alone somehow keeping Garland on his feet. He knew now that if he’d walked over and stood beside the young man… and taken his hand… Heff wouldn’t have pulled away. He would have been Garland’s rock, holding tight to his hand regardless of all the hurt Garland had inflicted upon him… because he shared his loss and his grief and understood what Garland was going through. The anguish of the past would’ve been set aside in that moment, replaced by compassion.
Because that’s the kind of man Heff Wilder is… and always has been.
Garland hung his head, overwhelmed by the loss of Frank and Mandy… and Heff.
And the fault of all three losses lay on him… and him alone.
………………………………
The bunk beside him was empty when Heff opened his eyes. He spotted Garland on the hearth, in only his underwear, head hung low as he pet the dog—reminding Heff of the scene in the barn. The cowboy wasn’t sobbing this time, but the slump in his shoulders and slow stroke of his hand across the canine’s fur alluded to the anguish within. Dry eyes didn’t mean he hurt any less than before.
“Garland…” Heff spoke softly. The man went still, his hand pausing on the hound’s back. “You should stay covered.” He swallowed nervously. “You should come back to bed.” Heff expected some resistance from the man and was surprised when he received none.
Garland rose wearily and returned to the bunk, sliding beneath the covers. He laid on his back and tucked his arms under his head, staring blankly above him.
Unsure what to say or do, Heff turned onto his back as well, drawing the covers up under his chin. He hadn’t put the flannel shirt back on and lay tensely, overly aware of his own nakedness as parts of his arm and leg brushed up against the other man. There was no room to put even an inch or two between them as the bunk was designed for only one person.
Quietly clearing his throat, Garland finally spoke, voice low and gravelly. “You should go back to Maine as planned.”
His words shook Heff, though he wasn’t sure why. He hadn’t expected Garland to suddenly change his mind just because they had sex. At least… he hadn’t consciously expected it. Maybe subconsciously he was hoping…
“I don’t know if I want to go back,” Heff whispered. “I don’t want you to lose the ranch. It was Mandy and Frank’s dream.” And Garland’s too? How could it not? Garland put as much into the ranch as Frank and Mandy—he had loved it from the beginning.
“If they were so concerned about it,” Garland muttered with an edge, a slight thickness to his words, “why the hell did they do this? Why would your sister force you to come back to the one place you don’t want to be?”
“I never said it was the one place I didn’t want to be.”
“You were ready to leave… before the storm hit.”
A shaky breath slipped from Heff. “I don’t know if I was ready…”
“You said you would be on the first flight out.”
Heff closed his eyes, his heart hurting. “I was mad at you… for the things you said… for not seeming to care how any of it would affect me. But I wouldn’t have just walked away, not caring what happened to the ranch… or to you. I did care.” He opened his eyes, vision swimming. “I do care.”
Garland lay silently beside him, unresponsive.
“Garland…”
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “For what I said in the living room… about you leaving and… and how it affected Mandy.” He sniffed. “You left because of me. Any hurt she felt… that was on me.”
“Garland, I…”
“And the other thing I said,” he rasped, cutting Heff off a second time. “That was bullshit. It wasn’t true and I knew it. I don’t know why I said it.”
Heff knew what other thing he was referring to: Or maybe, what’s really got you fuming… is that you really meant to say, the thing that scares you most, is that I will never look at you that way.
How far off had he been, though? Since meeting Garland… wasn’t that exactly what Heff had wanted—for the cowboy to love him the way Frank loved Mandy?
“It doesn’t matter why you said it,” Heff said softly. “We were both having the worst day of our lives. I don’t think either of us can be held accountable for anything we said or did.”
Garland huffed quietly. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was all me.” He swallowed hard. “It’s always me.” Heff looked at him and the man’s eyes gleamed with tears as his face strained and hardened. “Taking what doesn’t fucking belong to me. Being a fucking asshole. Getting drunk off my ass and…” His facial muscle popped as he clenched his jaw, his tears thickening. He didn’t continue. Didn’t seem able to continue.
The man’s extreme emotions brought Heff to tears. “What do you mean?” Heff whispered. “What did you take that didn’t belong to you?”
For a moment, he didn’t think Garland would answer as the man lay still, his body clenched in tension. Then he spoke, his voice raw, coarse with heightened emotion. “You.”
“What…?”
Garland abruptly propelled from the bunk. “You, Heff!” he railed, clenching his fists. “You were perfect… pure… untouched—and I took you as if it was somehow my fucking right!” He raked his hands through his hair, his entire frame straining. “It goddamn wasn’t!”
Heff sat up in bed, shocked to silence.
“You came to me that night… frightened and vulnerable—and I took advantage of you!” He turned away, breathing hard, uneven. “You weren’t mine to take.” He trembled, staring at the fire. “Your first time should have been special—with someone who was right for you.”
His chin trembling, Heff whispered, “You were right for me.”
“No!” Garland whirled around, face contorted in anger and guilt. “You were only sixteen! You didn’t even know what love was yet—and I took advantage of that! You were just a kid, Heff—I was a grown-ass man who had no fucking right to you! No fucking right to have those kinds of feelings for you!”
Heff was shaking, tears spilling out. The hurt within wasn’t for himself—but the tortured man coming apart in front of him.
“Frank and Mandy trusted me.” Garland stabbed a finger into his own chest, teeth clenched. “Trusted me to look out for you—and I betrayed that trust!”
“Why?” Heff cried. “Because you felt something for me? How is that betraying their trust?”
Garland stepped toward the bunk, his rage at himself swelling. “Because I fucked you! Mandy’s kid brother!” He retreated unsteadily, chest heaving. “I fucked a kid,” he choked. “It doesn’t matter what you thought you felt for me—it doesn’t change the fact that you were only sixteen!” Garland moved further away, his throat working, a wall of tears in his eyes about to break. “Do you know what they call men who fuck kids?”
“I wasn’t a fucking kid!” Heff exploded. “And I did know what love was—don’t fucking tell me I didn’t!” Heff grabbed the flannel shirt and pulled it on, not bothering to button the front as he scooted off the bunk. “What happened that night was not some perverted thing. I was old enough to know the difference between a fucking crush—and the real thing. And don’t stand there and talk like I was some innocent, naïve child to be taken advantage of. I fantasized about us—every fucking day! I told you that night that I loved you—I told you that you were what I wished for when I blew out my candles. I wanted you to fuck me—I wanted you to be my first—my only! I didn’t want anyone else, goddammit!” Heff cried. “Not then—not now!”
………………………………….
Heff’s unexpected outburst caught Garland off guard; he’d never seen the boy so… vehement… as he stood there in all his natural glory, a raging ball of emotional fury.
“And for your information…” Heff stabbed a finger at him, his tender body trembling. “… I was the reason we had sex—not you.” He swallowed hard, eyes swimming, leaking fresh tears. “You wanted to stop. I didn’t. If I hadn’t pushed you—nothing would have happened. And don’t tell me all the responsibility was on you because you were the adult. As friends, you treated me like an equal. You never talked down to me, never looked at me like a kid. We talked about adult things, you taught me to work the ranch like an adult. So… what… when you start having adult feelings for me… I’m suddenly a kid—and you’re a freaking pedophile?” Heff stared at him incredulously. “That’s fucking insane—and total bullshit.”
Tremors rippled through Garland, the boy blurring before him. “Heff…”
“Don’t,” Heff choked on his tears, his face tight. “This is why you hated me after that night?” His fury melted into hurt, his chin trembling. “Because you were ashamed of what we did? Of your feelings for me?”
“I didn’t hate you, Heff.” Garland’s words hitched and caught in his throat, the wall of tears finally breaking. “I fucking hated myself! I took something from you… something so special that I couldn’t give back… and I was scared that you would realize it, too. I was scared of what Mandy and Frank would think of me if they found out… terrified my brother would kick me off the ranch and out of his life. But most of all it was you…” He hung his head, breath shuddering. “You were my best friend… and all I could see was that when you came to me for comfort and safety, I used that to take what I wanted, betraying your trust in me.”
Heff drew the shirt closed as he hugged himself, tears streaking his face.
“I never wanted to hurt you,” Garland whispered. “But I couldn’t be near you… or even look at you… because when I did, all I could think was how I betrayed our friendship. What fucked me up even more… was that I still wanted you. I thought you were better off without me. I should have talked to you about it—I wanted to, I did—but I was scared to death what would happen if I got near you. I would have left if Frank hadn’t needed me. I never meant for you to leave. And when you did, I fucking hated myself more.” He wiped tears from his face. “I was so fucking lost without you… and I wanted so bad to go after you… but I couldn’t. I thought I was doing right to let you go. I thought you would forget about me and…” He closed his eyes, anguish pinching his face. “… and move on, find someone who was right for you… someone better than me.”
“I didn’t… move on,” Heff cried softly. “There was no one better for me… than you. When I ran away… it took everything inside of me not to turn around and run right back. But I thought…” He bit his trembling lip. “I thought… you hated me… and didn’t want me to come back.” He moved tentatively toward Garland. “But I’m here now and… and I want to stay… if you want me to.” He shook his head. “You never stopped being the only man I want. I wasn’t with anyone else… you’re still the only one.”
When he reached for Garland, the cowboy drew back and Heff faltered, confused. Garland stared at him, deeper anguish forming fresh tears in his eyes. “You don’t understand, Heff… what happened that night… it started a chain reaction.” He pressed his hand to his eyes, his breath coming quicker, breaking in his throat. “It’s my fault.”
Heff trembled, hugging himself hard. “What… what’s your fault?”
Garland stepped back and dropped down on the hearth, curling his arms over his head. “Mandy… and Frank…” He clutched his hair, his muscular body straining with sobs. “They’re dead—because of me.”