Saddle Up by CJ Bishop

CHAPTER 14

“The Anguish”

Get out of the bunk—get away from him.

Garland heard the command… but his body wouldn’t move. Couldn’t move. The passion and emotion in Heff’s story had propelled Garland right back to that night, reignited every fucking sensation; the feel of Heff’s skin, the smell of his hair, the taste of his kiss, the way he touched Garland… and offered every part of himself—body, heart, and soul—to the friend he trusted.

Get it out of your head. It wouldn’t go. He felt Heff beneath him again, a mix of fear and excitement glowing in his eyes, his young body trembling with anticipation. Though partially drunk, Garland hadn’t rushed the moment. He’d gone down on Heff, giving him the first blowjob of his life, while at the same time gently loosening him up with his fingers. The boy had nearly gone through the roof, writhing and bucking… panting, gasping, crying out. His animated and vocal responses drove Garland wild—because the boy let him know when he was feeling good, when Garland did something just right.

His throat suddenly dry as a bone, Garland stared at the fire, heart racing… erection so hard the slightest brush of Heff’s body could send him over the edge. He squeezed his eyes shut but it didn’t block out the heated memory. Rather, magnified it.

That initial sharp, shaky gasp from Heff as he was entered for the very first time.

His young, virgin body tense, even resistant at first, as his lover pushed deeper inside him.

The tremors shuddering through them both as Heff held Garland inside him, neither moving as the boy’s body adjusted to the man’s length and thickness.

Then the gentle roll of Garland’s hips, stirring his hard member around and around, loosening him up a little more… a little more… then thrusting… slowly with each rotation of his hips… gently rocking the boy on the bed… sliding in and out… staring into Heff’s glossy eyes as they began to glow and shimmer with warm ecstasy.

Heff’s tightness… like a velvet glove… squeezing Garland… caressing his pulsing shaft… taking every inch.

The boy’s fingers—gouging his back muscles as their rhythm increased, and passion swelled… and Heff crying out breathlessly… clinging to Garland… begging him, “Please, don’t stop…”

And he didn’t stop… until he filled the boy with cum… and Heff emptied himself all over the both of them.

Garland lay trembling on the bunk, in literal pain as his engorged member leaked into his shorts, his balls so tight he feared they might actually explode. He took deep, shuddering breaths, trying to breathe as quietly as possible, his body paralyzed by the sheer need to release.

Heff shifted behind him, turning onto his back.

Stop moving—stop fucking moving! He bit back the words before they flew out of his mouth in a desperate shriek.

The boy shifted again, and Garland could feel him facing his back… and swore he felt Heff’s breath on his skin. His pulse stuttered, giving him palpitations.

“Garland…” Heff whispered and tentatively touched his shoulder. “I need you to tell me—”

“Don’t touch me.” Garland jerked his shoulder away, his entire system going into meltdown.

“What…?” Heff drew his hand back. “I… I wasn’t trying to…”

“I don’t care,” Garland practically wheezed. “Don’t touch me.”

“Why?” Heff started. “What’s—”

“Because I said so.”

“I-I’m sorry.” Hurt strained the boy’s voice. “I… I just need to ask you something.”

“Don’t.” Garland swallowed repeatedly, his throat barren. His pulse went from stuttering—to full-on hammering in a matter of seconds, making it hard to breathe normally—or breathe at all.

He sensed Heff recoil emotionally. It wasn’t his intention to further hurt the young man, but just the sound of his voice was too much for Garland just now. And he was physically incapable of explaining the problem.

Heff quietly cleared his throat and scooted off the end of the bunk, returning to the fireplace. Garland tried not to “see” the boy’s powerful arousal tenting the flannel shirt but failed to look away in time… or look away—period. When Heff reached down for the blanket on the hearth, the shirt rode up to briefly expose his ass cheeks.

Fuck. Garland shut his eyes, recalling much too vividly how that beautiful ass felt gripped in his hands. Soft and firm at the same time… each cheek tucking perfectly into his palms as if made especially for his hands… lifting Heff to his thrusts… then lifting him into his lap… massaging his perfect flesh… kneading his cheeks as the boy rocked against him… gliding up and down on his shaft… hugging Garland’s head… his warm, erratic breath puffing into his hair… all across his face… into his mouth…

Fucking hell! Garland’s eyes snapped open, his vision bleary. Heff sat on the hearth, his back to the bunk, wrapped in the blanket, and his head hung low.

Goddamn it to hell!

A hard shiver swept through Garland. “Get back in bed.” His words rolled out, raw and gravelly… shuddering off the tip of his tongue. “Right now, Heff.”

…………………………………

Heff didn’t look at him. “The bunk is too small,” he mumbled with raw emotion. “I might accidentally touch you and make you burst into flames.” He sniffed, his throat constricted as the hurt inflicted on him by Garland’s reaction to his touch began to seep out as anger. What did the man think—that Heff was so moved by the memory that he couldn’t keep his hands off him?

Arrogant jerk.

He refused to acknowledge there might be some truth to that. Thinking back about that night… reciting it out loud to Garland… made it feel so real again, all the kisses and caresses and soft, passionate words so vivid it felt as if it just happened five minutes ago—rather than five years ago.

Okay, so it affected me—what the fuck did he expect?

But that wasn’t why he’d touched him. He just wanted to talk to him, ask him why he threw Heff out of his life, and avoided him like the plague after that night.

He owes me that much, dammit!

Heff ran his hand through his hair, the flames distorting before him.

“Just get in bed,” Garland spoke low, an odd tremor to his words… his voice thick and raspy. “Or I’ll get up and put you there myself.”

The cowboy wasn’t kidding, Heff knew by his tone. Rising from the hearth, Heff suddenly became aware of his heavy member… retaining some erection. When he left the bunk, he’d been so upset with Garland he hadn’t thought about it. Did Garland see when Heff walked past him? If his eyes were open, how could he miss it?

Bringing the blanket with him and keeping it wrapped securely around his body, Heff returned to the end of the bunk and climbed in that way. He took the blanket under the covers with him, staying curled up inside it, and lay facing the wall again. His arousal faded fast as the storm raged and Heff shivered. Having been out in the chaos, taking on the storm face to face, Heff felt like he’d conquered some of his fear… but only some. And when Garland pulled away emotionally—and physically pushed him away—the storm frightened him more. Maybe when this was all over, he wouldn’t be as terrified when storms struck, even if they still scared him.

Heff hoped so—because he no longer had anyone to turn to for comfort… and no one who would care to connect with him just to see if he was okay. He tucked his head into the blankets, trembling with silent sobs as his crushing grief found its way back, tearing holes in his heart. The pain spread out, growing stronger. Heff shoved his face deeper into the covers, trying to muffle the sounds as his sobs worsened and emptiness consumed him.

I’m never gonna see my sister again… my brother… never hear their voices… never hug them.

The bunk shifted as Garland turned over and wrapped Heff in his arms.

Heff broke, crying out loud, unable to stop. “Let… me go…” He tried to pull out of the man’s embrace but Garland held strong until Heff quit fighting and wilted, giving in to the grief and sorrow of his unbearable loss.

……………………………….

The only time Garland felt he had something to offer Heff… was at moments like this when the boy was scared or hurting and needed comfort. In these moments, it was as if the world outside went away, and they were the only two people who existed… and everything wrong between them faded away for a little while.

Heff’s breakdown tonight was a culmination of events… the nucleus being Mandy and Frank’s deaths. Heff and Mandy may have lived apart for the last five years, but their bond never weakened or broke. But neither did they get to spend that time together, making memories day by day. Garland wasn’t only to blame for Heff losing his sister… but he’d robbed the boy of five years of their lives. Time and memories that he could never get back.

Maybe Garland had robbed himself as well—not only of memories with Heff, but with Frank, also. When Heff fled the ranch, Garland’s relationship with Frank and Mandy became strained. He spent time with them, even had some good times with them… but the burden of guilt weighed on him; guilt about Heff… and guilt for betraying Mandy and Frank’s trust in him. Though Frank had never come right out and said it, some of his conversations with his younger brother convinced Garland that the man suspected his sexual preferences. One particular conversation stood out above the rest…

• ••

“You wanna hand me that ratchet?” Frank bent over the tractor engine; one hand stretched out behind him.

Garland handed him the tool then leaned against the side of the tractor. “Heff’s sixteenth birthday is coming up soon. Mandy is planning a big party, right? Got to do something special for his sixteenth birthday, am I right?”

“Yeah.” Frank focused on the job at hand. “You know Mandy when it comes to Heff; she’ll pull out all stops to give him a blowout party.”

Garland smiled. “Yeah. That’s one lucky little brother. Too bad I’m not as lucky.” He smirked.

Frank raised his head and eyed his “little” brother… who was just a tad bigger than him.

Chuckling, Garland waved his hand. “Kidding. You’re a pretty good big brother… most of the time. When you’re not busting my balls.”

Frank straightened and gripped the tractor fender with greasy hands. “If I’m busting your balls…” He smiled and pointed the ratchet at him. “… you can bet you deserve it.”

“Probably.”

Frank went back to work and was quiet a moment before striking up another conversation in a more serious tone. “Heff’s a good kid.”

“Yeah, he is.”

“He’s, um… really taken to you.”

Garland smiled. “Can you blame him?” he joked. “I mean, I’m a charming guy.”

“Can’t argue there.” Frank laughed quietly. “At least, all the ladies around the area think so.” He looked up again. “I’m surprised you haven’t capitalized on that. You’re young, good-looking—and charming. Why aren’t you dating?”

Garland tried his best to avoid this subject with Frank and Mandy, but now and then he got trapped. Like now. “I don’t know.” He shrugged absently. “Don’t really have the time. And haven’t met anyone I’d want to go out with if I did have the time.”

“Maybe you haven’t met anyone because you never leave the ranch—except for a quick trip to the store.”

Garland cleared his throat. “Like I said, no time to socialize.”

Frank stared at him questionably then continued on the engine. “Don’t seem to have a problem finding time to socialize with Heff. In fact, you spend all your free time with him.”

Tensing a bit, Garland took a defensive tone. “So? We’re friends. We have fun together.”

“I know he’s a fun kid. I love spending time with him, too. But…” Frank sighed and straightened, resting on his arms. “… I’ve never met a twenty-three-year-old man who would rather spend all his time with a teenager, than one of the many beautiful women hot after his bod.”

Garland sighed, growing uncomfortable. “What does it matter? So, I don’t feel like dating right now—what’s the big deal? Not everyone is in a hurry to get tied down. I kind of like my independence. For now, anyway. I don’t know why people think that just because you’re single and not dating, that you’re lonely or missing out on life. I’m perfectly happy with my life just the way it is.”

“Sorry.” Frank held up his hands. “Don’t get your undies in a twist, I was just making an observation.” He exhaled and looked at Garland. “I do think you should be… careful, though.”

“Careful?” Garland frowned. “About what?”

“Heff.”

“What?”

“Heff is gay,” Frank said as if Garland needed reminding. “He’s a maturing boy. And we both know what it’s like to be that age. He’s with you all the time—this handsome, charming cowboy who teases him and flirts with him—”

“I’m kidding when I do that,” Garland interjected. “He knows that.”

“I’m sure he does. But he’s got a massive crush on you. I just don’t want him to start misinterpreting your actions, become too invested in his feelings for you, then get hurt.”

“He isn’t getting invested in his feelings for me,” Garland mumbled. “He knows we’re just friends and… that’s all we could ever be.”

Frank stared at the engine, chewing his lower lip. “Are you sure he knows that?”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“I’m just saying,” Frank murmured, “all the time you spend with him, the way you tease him…”

“What?” Garland asked tightly.

“It’s just, someone who didn’t… know you better… might think…”

Garland pushed away from the tractor. “Think what?”

“That…” Frank met his brother’s hard, anxious stare. “Nothing.” Frank shook his head and smiled small. “All I’m trying to say is that Heff is young and impressionable… and might be reading more into the attention you give him than you realize. So, just… you know… keep that in mind.” He faced Garland with a warm look that spoke volumes. “I trust you to look out for him.”

• ••

You shouldn’t have trusted me, big brother.

Garland pressed his lips to Heff’s hair as the young man cried in his arms.

I wasn’t trustworthy. He still wasn’t—because it seemed he continued to hurt Heff even when he didn’t mean to. Pain was pain… intentional or not.

Heff shifted and turned over, burying his face in Garland’s chest, his trembling body pressing against the man. Garland’s agonizing arousal had died down some, but having Heff in his arms, the boy’s warm body cuddled up so close to him… it reignited the memories of that night… making love to Heff for the very first time.

Garland closed his eyes and willed his body to remain calm. Heff was hurting—badly—and the thought of getting “turned on” just now made Garland feel like shit. Heff needed comfort in his moment of grief—not sex. Garland had taken advantage of Heff’s vulnerability that first night they spent together… he didn’t intend to let it happen again.

His resolve was immediately put to the test when Heff’s soft lips trembled against his throat, and something shifted in the boy… a light tension invading his body. His warm breath shuddered out of him as his sobs subsided a bit. Heff tentatively gripped Garland’s chest, his thumb grazing the man’s nipple, igniting an instant response as the nub hardened to his touch.

No, Heff…

Heat flowed through Garland’s loins when Heff’s arousal returned… digging against Garland’s lower stomach.

This wasn’t supposed to happen again—Garland swore it never would.

As the thought rampaged through his head… his hands rubbed down Heff’s back as he slowly unwrapped the boy from the extra blanket.

Like unwrapping a present…and discovering your most desired gift inside.