14

Alix

Alix dumped her case in the living room of their new cabin.

It had felt so awkward with Christy. Had it really been awkward, or was her brain intensifying something that didn’t exist? Because it was always on her mind, she was no longer able to judge whether she was exaggerating the problem or if the tension was real. It didn’t help that she had so little confidence in her ability to solve a relationship problem of any kind. She’d felt nervous, to the extent that she actually felt relieved to be alone with Zac. He made her laugh, and the tension was of a different kind.

Preferring Zac’s company to Christy’s?

She was in deep trouble.

Feeling Zac’s gaze on her, she shrugged.

“What?”

“Are you all right?”

She had no intention of telling him how she felt. Imagine that. I like being with you, Zac.

“Of course I’m all right. Why wouldn’t I be?” She stretched out her muscles. “This is a cute place. And I prefer to be in a cabin called Reindeer than one called Wolf. It’s friendlier. And I like all the trees. Feels cozy here.”

The cabin was similar to the last one in style, but there was no view of the lake this time. Instead, they were nestled deep in the forest, their privacy assured by snow-covered trees that surrounded them like frozen sentinels.

“Robyn said this is popular with honeymooners.”

“Well, there you go. And here you are stuck with me,” she said, flashing him a smile, “when you deserve to be here with someone soppy and adoring.”

He hung up their coats and secured the outer door so that the interior stayed snug and warm. “You’re not going to be soppy and adoring? Damn. I might have to ask Robyn for alternative accommodation.”

“I can try and be soppy and adoring if you like. I’ve never done it before, but how hard can it be?” She cleared her throat, lifted her chin and fluttered her eyelashes. “Oh Zac, Zac, thank you for bringing me here and making all my dreams come true.”

He took a step back. “What’s that face?”

“What face?”

“That face you’re pulling.”

“It’s my soppy, adoring, alluring look.”

He held up his hand. “Don’t ever give me an alluring look again. It’s scary.”

She was affronted. “You think I’m scary?”

“Do I find normal you scary? No. Soppy, adoring, alluring you? Yes. Terrifying.”

“Oh.” She couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, but her competitive side woke up. “In that case I’m going to try again. It’s a question of practice, I’m sure.”

“Please. You don’t have to—”

“Concentrate. Give me a minute.” She adjusted her stance and composed her features. When had she last had this much fun with a man? The answer was never. But for some reason, it was easy to have fun with Zac.

Zac folded his arms. “You look as if you’re about to pick up a sword and impale me. And you’re definitely looking scary again. Unless that’s the intention. Are you threatening me with your allure?”

She ignored him, tugged off her hat and tousled her hair with her hands. “Oh Zac, Zac,” she said with a pout, “you’re so strong and handsome and—”

“Your hair is covering your eyes. You can’t see anything. Stop, I beg you stop.”

She brushed her hair away, trying not to laugh. “This is my sexy look.”

“Not being able to see where you’re going is sexy?”

She sighed. “Okay, forget it. Looks like you’re stuck with unromantic me for a few days.”

“Fortunately for both of us, soppy and adoring have never been high on my wish list for a partner, so we should manage to navigate a few more days in reasonable harmony.”

“Right. But if you do happen to meet someone suitably adoring and want to take advantage of the whole night-you’ll-never-forget vibe that this place has going, then give me a sign, and I’ll hide under the Christmas tree and pretend I’m not here.”

“I’m sure you’d be discreet.” He stepped closer to the tree. “It’s a beauty. Am I strange in preferring the one Holly decorated? I liked the way she concentrated as much festive bling as possible in one small space and left half of it bare.”

Alix grinned. “I liked that, too. Every year Christy waits for her to go to bed, and then she secretly tries to rearrange the decorations into something that satisfies her artistic side.”

“I can picture it.” He smiled, too. “And I bet Holly notices.”

“Every time.” Alix glanced from the tree to the fire flickering behind glass.

It really was romantic. Still, it was a relief to know he didn’t expect her to behave in a romantic way.

“Your turn to sleep in the bed.” She picked up her case. “I’ll take the sofa.”

“No need.” Zac stopped studying the Christmas tree and turned. He’d pushed the sleeves of his sweater up.

He had nice arms, she decided. And strong shoulders. And a good sense of humor, which was a greater source of attraction for her than all his other qualities combined.

“Don’t be a martyr. I know you have muscle aches after squishing yourself onto the sofa. This is me being generous. Say yes.”

“I should sleep on the sofa.”

“Why? Do you have some masochistic wish to wake up in pain every morning?”

“No. But it’s the gentlemanly, macho thing to do.”

“Excuse me?”

“I sleep on the sofa so I’m able to protect you from danger.”

She stared. “What danger?”

He gestured. “You never know what might come through that door.”

“Uh, Robyn with the morning pastries? If you’re going to wrestle her to the ground, we should maybe warn her.” She glanced from him to the sofa. “Is that why you slept on the sofa in the last cabin? You were protecting me from danger?” Would it amuse him to know that, for her, he was the danger?

“No, of course not. I slept on the sofa because you staked a claim on the bedroom and slammed the door in my face.”

“I was feeling vulnerable.”

“Yes, I got that.”

They were both teasing each other, but she really had been feeling vulnerable. “So where did this whole macho thing come from?”

He shrugged. “I thought that if you were going to be soppy and alluring, I ought to work a bit harder at being macho. If we’re doing stereotypes, let’s do it.”

She pushed up the sleeves of her sweater and planted her feet apart. “Okay. Go for it.”

“Go for what?”

“Be macho. I want to see what you’ve got.” She waved her hands. “Protect me from danger. Go.”

“I—”

“Sorry. Do you need me to be limp and vulnerable?” She pressed her forearm against her head. “Oh Zac, save me, save me!”

“From what?” He glanced over his shoulder toward the door. “I don’t see any danger.”

“Pretend. There’s a wolf. Big teeth. Snarling. I’m shivering and sobbing in my bed. Zac, Zac, save me, we’re going to die.” She used her breathiest voice. “What would you do?”

“Lock myself in the room with you and let the wolf have its way with the Christmas tree.”

She tried not to laugh. “That is not an answer. I’m scared of the wolf! What would you do? Seriously?”

“Seriously?” He stepped closer. “Do you want to know what I’d really do? I’d kiss you.”

She tried to step back, but the sofa blocked her path. “What?”

“And then I’d kiss you again. And then I’d strip you naked, and we’d have intense and unforgettable the-world-is-about-to-end sex.”

Her heart was pounding, and her whole body was flooded with heat. “You’re trying to shock the wolf?”

His mouth was dangerously close to hers. “By this point we’ve both forgotten there’s a wolf.”

“I wouldn’t have forgotten. And by the way, that is going to be one mightily confused wolf. Fine, Zac. I’ll take the bedroom. I’d hate to deprive you of a wolf encounter.” She extracted herself from a situation that was fast becoming far too unsettling and carried her case across the room. But she paused in the doorway, unable to resist. “Just for the record, if this scenario ever happens and we’re ever having the-world-is-about-to-end sex, you’re on top.”

“A favorite position?”

“Not particularly. But it means when the wolf pounces, he gets you first. I’ll have time to wriggle away and escape.” She pushed her case under the bed and closed her eyes. Pull yourself together, Alix.

When she opened them again, Zac was standing in the doorway.

“I need to finish this conversation. You’re saying you’d leave me to be eaten by the wolf?”

She pondered. “Yes.”

He nodded. “I guess that settles it, then.”

“Settles what?”

“Next time we have sex, you’re on top.”

She felt hot. Breathless. “We’re not having sex, Zac. This was all hypothetical. None of it is actually happening.”

“I’m sleeping on the sofa. That part is happening.”

“If it bothers you—”

“It doesn’t. I’ve slept in worse places.”

She liked the fact he didn’t complain. She’d once gone on a date with a man who spent the whole evening boasting that he never checked into a hotel without first knowing the thread count of the sheets. Alix had walked out before dessert, after deciding her thread count definitely wasn’t high enough.

Zac, on the other hand, was obviously the sort who wouldn’t object to sleeping out in the wilds.

She smoothed her hair, which was still messy after her mock attempts to seduce him. “It feels weird not having Holly around.”

Zac smiled. “Weird not to have to be constantly watching her, you mean.”

“It will be strange not being woken up at a ridiculously early hour in the morning by having a reindeer thrust in my face. Weird to be just the two of us.”

Just the two of us.

Her gaze met his, and he pushed away from the door frame.

“All this talk of wolves and danger has got my adrenaline racing. Are you ready for our date, Carpenter?”

“Date?” The invitation sounded personal, and yet his use of her name was impersonal. He left her feeling continually off balance. “What date?”

“Snowshoeing.”

“It’s not a date. It’s two people doing the same thing at the same time.”

“Isn’t that what a date is?”

“No. A date is stress and tension. It’s Do I like this person? Am I going to see them again, and if not how do I make it clear that this is it, and there is no point in them persisting?”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’m starting to understand why you don’t date much. That does not sound relaxing. Don’t you ever just have fun with someone? Share something you both enjoy?”

“Dinner. Drinks. Concert. Those are my usual dates.”

“You’ve never tried snowshoeing? Good. This is your lucky day.” He gestured to the closet. “Layer up. It’s cold out there. I’ll meet you by the door in five minutes.” With that, he turned away, reaching for his own luggage, unpacking clothing with the confidence of someone who knew exactly what he was going to need.

She dressed swiftly, using the same layers she’d worn to go hunting for Christmas trees. She was relieved Robyn had lent them appropriate outer clothing because she’d never experienced cold like it.

“Am I going to fall over?” She met him by the door. “Because my bruises haven’t healed from the last time I crashed to the ground.”

“You’re not going to fall. But if you do, the landing should be soft.”

They stepped outside, and he helped her with the snowshoes.

They felt strange and awkward. “Any tips for walking in these?”

“Yes. Pick your feet up.” He clipped into his own snowshoes. “They help spread your weight over the snow so that you don’t sink. Walk with your feet a little wider to leave room for them.”

“Are we going to get lost? Shouldn’t we have a guide?”

He straightened. “I’m your guide. I walked this way with Erik yesterday when you were playing with Holly.” He secured his backpack and handed her a pole. “Are you ready? I’m going to give you a quick lesson.”

He showed her how to navigate the deep snow, and after a few stumbling attempts, she managed to get used to the feel of it. Her confidence grew, and soon they were moving forward along the trail that led into the forest.

The freezing air stung her cheeks.

Even with the snowshoes, her feet sank into the snow, and she felt all her muscles working as she walked.

Zac glanced at her. “Okay?”

“Brilliant.” And it was. Not only the landscape, which was spectacular, but the stillness of it and the clean air. It was as if they were alone on the planet.

They walked through the silence of the Arctic forest, past trees transformed into frozen sculptures by the ice and snow.

Occasionally, Zac paused to point out animal tracks or a particular ice formation, but other than that they walked in silence.

When he eventually paused, she was out of breath.

“This is a great workout.”

“You’re in good shape. You use the gym?”

She shook her head. “Treadmills bore me. I run. Box. When I was younger I did karate. You?”

He dug his poles into the snow. “I run when I’m in London. I use the gym. Climb. My job was active, although less so now.”

“You’ve changed your job?”

He swung the backpack off his back. “You’re looking at the new professor of glaciology.”

“Wow. You, in a desk job? Somehow I can’t see that.”

“It’s not all behind a desk. My research is—”

“Yeah, I know.” She didn’t need to hear it. Didn’t want to hear it. “You travel. Fieldwork. I know the score. My parents were both academics.”

“I’m nothing like your parents.”

She’d forgotten how much he knew about her. It threw her, thinking that he had inside knowledge she’d never given to another man.

“I can’t even remember exactly how much I told you that night. What I said. It’s a blur.” She shifted her feet in the snow, uncomfortable. “You’ve probably forgotten it, too.”

“I remember every word.”

“Oh.” She cleared her throat. “That’s…not what I was hoping to hear.”

“Why? Because you can’t remember what you told me, or because you told me the truth about how you felt and that makes you feel exposed?”

They were surrounded by nothing but snow and winter, enveloped by the frozen forest.

The air was freezing, her cheeks stung from the cold, but her brain felt clear.

“Both.” So this was finally happening? They were going to have the conversation she’d been trying to avoid.

He studied her for a moment and then removed the backpack he was wearing. “Time for a hot drink, I think.”

“Right. Good plan.”

They moved closer to the trees, and he poured hot coffee into a cup and handed it to her. “You told me that they didn’t want children. Never wanted them. They lived and breathed their research. Everything else was an annoying interruption. They were both absorbed and focused to the exclusion of almost everything else. You were surprised that they looked up from their research long enough to make you.” He took a mouthful of coffee. “You told me you were an accident. You told me—” he paused and stared into his coffee for a moment “—you told me you overheard your father blaming your mother for her decision to go ahead with the pregnancy.”

Despite the cold, her cheeks burned. She was wrapped up in multiple layers, and yet she felt naked. What had possessed her to expose her deepest, darkest secret to a virtual stranger? Because that was what Zac had been back then. He’d been Seb’s friend. And she’d spilled the details of her past with no filter. “I obviously had plenty to say for myself.” She held the cup tightly and glanced at him. “Sorry you were on the receiving end of that. I probably should have apologized before now. And there’s no need to worry. I’ve never done that to a guy before, and I never will again.”

He took a mouthful of coffee. “I understand how you must feel having shared something so personal, but I’m glad you told me.”

“Because it helped you understand my reason for telling Christy not to marry Seb?”

He paused. “Not just that, but yes, that was part of it.”

She shrugged. “She was pregnant, but that isn’t a reason to get married. It was important to me that she knew that. She could have raised Holly alone. I would have helped. Her mother would have helped.”

“Yes.” He topped up her coffee, fumbling with the flask and thick gloves. “But what you didn’t consider was that they might be marrying for another reason.”

“You’re talking about love?” She looked at him. “They barely knew each other.”

“I know. And I admit I had my concerns when Seb first told me.”

“You did?”

“Yes. But then I saw them together. I’d never seen Seb like that before. He was happy. And so was she. In the end, isn’t that what it’s all about? You can look at the facts and think they don’t make sense but then look at the reality and find that it does.”

Alix felt a stab of guilt. “If it helps, I wish I’d kept my big mouth shut. It’s no excuse, but at the time I truly believed I was doing it for the right reasons, to save her from a mistake. And I was worried that Holly would be me. Which is ridiculous because Christy is nothing like my mother.”

Won’t be back in London for Christmas, but money wired to your account. Fiona.

“You’re not in touch at all?”

Alix finished her coffee. “Our relationship resembles the one I share with the tax office. Factual. Transactional. If I’m lucky, I’m occasionally the recipient of a financial deposit.”

He pulled a face. “And your father?”

“I saw him last year when I was in New York. We had coffee. And talking of coffee—” she shook her cup over the snow and handed it back to him “—that was good. Thank you. Let’s carry on. It’s beautiful here, and I don’t want to waste a moment.”

“You don’t want to talk about it. I understand that.” He tucked the flask into the backpack. “It’s fine, Alix. You tell me what you want to tell me and no more. If you don’t want to talk about something, we don’t talk about it.”

The fact that he understood threw her off guard, as did the swift kiss he planted on her cheek before setting off again.

She stood for a moment, watching him, surrounded by snowy silence and her own unsettling thoughts.

He turned. “Are you coming?”

She pulled herself together and caught up with him. “So, what worse places?”

He glanced at her. “Sorry?”

“You said you’d slept in worse places than the sofa. Tell me what they were.”

He headed back to the trail they’d been following. “I guess it depends on your definition of worse. I’ve bivouacked four thousand feet up a rock face in Chile. I slept in a snow cave in Alaska.”

“A snow cave?”

“I made it. Dug it out. It’s hard work. And something of an art. You don’t want it caving in while you sleep.”

“So you don’t count the threads in your sheets.” She caught his curious glance. “Nothing. Never mind. You can sleep anywhere. I get it. Probably comes from those camping trips with your dad.”

“He had a lot to do with my passion for the outdoors and nature, that’s for sure. How about you? How did you end up working in the toy industry?”

“I got myself on a graduate program for one of the big consultancy firms, and one of our clients was Dream Toys. I loved working with them. Turned out it was mutual. They offered me a job in-house. I’ve been with them ever since. It’s a family-run business, which can be a nightmare, of course, but also has its benefits. We have a great team.”

“But you’re not a workaholic.” He took her arm and steered her away from a deep mound of snow. “You’re not one of those people who spends her life glued to her phone, despite the seniority of your job.”

“I’m glued to my phone when I’m at work, and I do work long hours. But I have a good team, and I believe in empowering people to do the job they’re paid to do. I try not to micromanage.”

He smiled. “You love your job. That’s nice.”

“I really do.” She told him about the new Arctic range, about travel and her time in New York. He told her about some of the expeditions he’d led and described his highlights: kayaking among glacial icebergs, seeing emperor penguins in the Weddell Sea. And she was so interested she forgot that he knew more about her than anyone, or that he’d called this a date, or that later they’d be spending time alone together in a cozy cabin with nothing but a sparkly Christmas tree and a log fire for company.

It was only when he suggested that they should turn around and head back that she realized how much time had passed and how she hadn’t even noticed. She was enjoying herself.

Back in the cabin, she took a shower and agreed to his suggestion that they use the wood-fired sauna in true Swedish tradition.

The moment she stepped into the confined space of the sauna she realized her mistake. The atmosphere was steamy and intimate, and the fact that she was wearing her bathing suit didn’t make it any less so. It made her think about that night of the wedding, something she’d been trying not to do, although it was becoming more difficult with each minute they spent together. Self-conscious, she sat down next to him, wondering how soon she could escape without it being too obvious.

“This is…nice.” His voice sounded strangely tight, and she nodded, careful not to look at him.

“It’s…great.”

Was he thinking of it, too? Was he remembering, as she was?

She kept her eyes down, her gaze fixed on her bare legs. She felt the brush of his thigh against hers, and she turned her head slowly to look at him.

There was a sheen of sweat on his skin, and her skin.

Hot. Sweaty. Sticky.

She wondered if the heat and the steam were coming from the sauna or herself. Or maybe they were coming from her thoughts.

“Okay, I’m done.” She shot to her feet. “I’ll see you back in the cabin.”

“Alix—”

“You can roll in the snow if you like, but no way am I doing that.” Although, come to think of it, she could think of worse ways to cool down.

Back indoors, she took another shower and tried to steady herself.

By the time she’d changed and walked back to the living room, he’d lit the fire and poured wine into two long-stemmed glasses.

She took one and joined him on the sofa.

Neither of them spoke. They sat in silence by the window and watched the snow fall.

She was conscious of him next to her, legs outstretched, his arm brushing against hers.

There was a lot she’d forgotten about that night, but a lot she remembered, too.

It had started with her outburst. Her feverish warning to Christy that she was making a mistake. She remembered Christy, white-faced, standing firm. I’m not making a mistake. I’m sure about this. I’m in love. And she remembered saying other things, about how it wasn’t fair on the baby, and the memory of those words embarrassed her now because Christy had to be one of the best mothers on the planet. And of course now, with hindsight, she could see that her outburst had been about so much more than her concerns for her friend.

What else would she have said if Zac hadn’t taken her arm in his and hauled her from the room? She didn’t know, but she did know Zac had done her a favor.

“I don’t think I ever thanked you for what you did at the wedding.”

He turned his head. “What are you thanking me for? The great sex? No thanks needed.”

Even now, talking about the subject she least wanted to talk about, he made her smile.

“I was thanking you for removing me from that room before I could completely destroy my relationship with my best friend.” What if Christy had listened to her? What if she’d told Seb that she’d changed her mind? She would have regretted it, and then Alix would have had that on her conscience. “And also for not leaving me alone when I was an emotional mess.”

“Mm, I’m glad you feel that way, because at the time you told me to get out.”

“I know. I’m glad you didn’t listen.” She paused. Considered. “Why didn’t you listen?”

“Because you were distressed. Also, I liked you.” He took her hand. “I liked you a lot.”

Her heart started to beat a little faster. “You only met me once before that day.”

“You made an impression.”

“I did?”

“Yes. You were spiky, smart, funny, and fiercely loyal and protective toward Christy. You said what you meant. And you were—” his fingers tightened “—sexy.”

Her heart missed a beat. “You mean, I was soppy, romantic and alluring?”

“No. You were sexy.”

“I…didn’t know you felt that way.”

“I kept it to myself. First, because I didn’t know if you returned my interest, and second, because I was about to go to the Arctic for several months. I wasn’t in a position to have a relationship.”

“That proves you didn’t know me well. The fact that you were leaving would have made you perfect for me.”

“I know that now. You’re a one-date person. I probably should have spoken up, although if I was only going to have one date with you, I wouldn’t have wanted to squander it.” He finished his wine and put the glass on the floor. “Have you ever been on a second date?”

She pondered the question. “There was Elliot. I definitely saw him twice.”

“What was special about Elliot?”

“Nothing. But I left my favorite sweater in his car. I had to see him again to retrieve it.” She felt him shake with laughter.

“Poor Elliot.” He reached for the bottle of wine and topped up both glasses. “Was he crushed by the knowledge that he only had a second chance because of the sweater?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t hang around long enough to ask him. I grabbed that sweater and ran.”

“So you’re cruel and heartless.”

“I’m honest.” She turned her head to look at him. “So how about you, Mr. Explorer? Have you had relationships?”

“Never. I was a virgin until I met you. Ow!” He winced as she kicked him. “All right, I may have had one or two relationships. But nothing serious.”

“Why? Your heart was broken as a teenager? You swore never to trust a woman again?” She didn’t know why she was asking, because normally she didn’t care what was in someone’s past or future. She was only interested in the present.

“Nothing like that. No romantic drama in my past apart from the usual stuff. No particular issues with commitment. Well, maybe a few. It’s a big decision, and I tend to think carefully about big decisions. I travel a lot, so that doesn’t make it easy.” He put the wine down and leaned back, his shoulder brushing against hers “I guess I never met anyone who made me consider changing my lifestyle.”

She didn’t understand why that confession would make her happy. It shouldn’t matter to her if he’d been married six times or never.

“So I’ve dated a whole lot of forgettable men, and you’ve dated a whole lot of forgettable women. What does that say about us?”

He swirled the wine in his glass. “There was one who was unforgettable. Or rather, one night that was unforgettable.”

“Oh.” The rush of jealousy surprised her. What did it matter? It was completely irrational. The-world-is-about-to-end sex. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. We had this intense connection. She was incredible. It was…wild. Without doubt, the single most memorable night of my life.”

Wild?The jealousy went from a tiny sting to a stab. “Right. Well, that’s great.”

“It wasn’t great, because I was desperate to see her again. To find out if that night was really as good as I thought it was. If it was a one-off. If those feelings we’d shared were real. She felt the same way. I was sure of it. But she avoided me. At first I thought it might be coincidence, but I messaged her, I emailed her—” he turned his head so he could look at her face “—and she never replied.”

Alix felt her cheeks burn and her heart race. One night that was unforgettable. “She probably had her reasons.”

“I wouldn’t know. She didn’t share them.” His gaze held hers. “But the fact that she didn’t dare engage with me made me think that yes, she probably did feel the same way.”

She was struggling to breathe. “How do you figure that out?”

“If she didn’t care, why avoid me? Why not take my call? She could have messaged back and said, Hey, Zac, great night, but that was it for me. If she had no feelings, she would have told me right out.”

Her mouth was dry. “Maybe she wasn’t much of a plain speaker.”

“She is a plain speaker. It’s one of the many things I like about her.”

Somehow they’d moved from the past tense to the present.

“Then, maybe she had other reasons. It doesn’t mean she cared.”

“Or,” he said slowly, “it meant that she cared so much it scared her to death. And her way of handling all those emotions—because believe me there were plenty of them—her way was to ignore it. Pretend it hadn’t happened.”

There was no more pretending. “Zac—”

“Hush.” He leaned closer, his mouth hovering close to hers. “You don’t have to explain. You don’t have to think, or plan or excuse. All you have to do is think about whether you want to find out if we still have that connection.”

She knew they did. The attraction between them was so powerful she almost surrendered to it right there and then. But a small part of her, the part that had kept her safe all these years, refused to be ignored. Yes, they could enjoy the moment. But moments came with consequences, and she knew this one would come with more consequences than most.

This was about so much more than physical chemistry. She liked him. She liked him a lot. And, yes, that scared her.

When Christy had asked her if she was happy with her life, she’d always said yes, but now she was wondering if it was just that she hadn’t known any better. She’d never know this giddying lift of her mood, the upward swoop of her feelings.

Zac made her laugh. He refused to be frozen out or kept at a distance. He forced her to engage with him. He sneaked past the barriers she put up, charmed his way through her defenses.

She’d often wondered why she’d told him so much that day. What it was about him that had allowed her to lower her guard so completely. But now she understood it. There was something about the way he looked at her, the way he listened. The way he was.

And now here she was, sitting next to him while he told her that his one unforgettable night had been with her. And she felt the same way, so why couldn’t she tell him that? Why couldn’t she admit that, yes, he was right, and the reason she’d avoided him wasn’t because she hadn’t felt anything, but because she’d felt too much?

“That night… I told you more than I’ve ever told anyone except Christy. I don’t know why I did.” She did know why. She knew why. “You’re a good listener. You don’t interrupt. You manage to act as if you actually care.”

“I did care. I do care.”

She leaned against his shoulder. She should probably pull away, but why would she pull away from something that felt so good? Being held by him made the world feel right.

But if she didn’t pull away, then it was obvious where this would end up. She didn’t so much as dip her toe into emotional entanglements, and yet she was moments away from being ready to dive headfirst.

She drew back. “This isn’t a good idea.”

“Why not?”

So many reasons, not least the fact that they were cocooned together in this cozy, snowbound cabin. Whatever they did, there would be no walking away from it.

She never slept the whole night with a man. She liked her dates to have a defined end, one which she usually controlled. No awkward morning-after encounters where nighttime familiarity gave way to daylight unfamiliarity. Tea or coffee? Where do you keep your mugs? Do you eat breakfast?

She left at whatever hour she chose, but it was always dark when she slid into the cab and went back to her own space.

And it wasn’t necessarily that she wanted to be that way, but it was how she was, and she accepted it. She lived her life in a way that made her feel comfortable.

So what were the rules here? This wasn’t her space, but it wasn’t his, either.

They were both guests in this winter wonderland. If they slept together, what would happen afterward? If she was going to boot him anywhere, it would be to the sofa. But was she really going to do that?

“Take a look at that.” He spoke softly. “The northern lights. Right outside our window. That’s a hell of a show, just for us.”

She stared through the glass. The trees were thickly coated in white, and above their glistening tips, shimmering ribbons of greeny-purple light danced in the sky.

“It’s unbelievable. I never imagined anywhere could be so beautiful. This is more Christmassy than all the store decorations I’ve ever seen.”

He pulled her closer. “You’re not missing civilization?”

“What’s the definition of civilized? I’d argue that this is more civilized than a crowd of people bunched together hunting for the perfect present no one needs. Did I really just say that? I’m arguing myself out of a job.” She sighed. “Maybe I should apply for a job up here in Santa’s workshop. Check whether he has an opening in sales or marketing. What do you think?”

“I think Santa would be lucky to have you on his team.”

They both spoke softly, as if any increase in volume might chase away the incredible display in front of them.

Was she being stupid? Part of her wanted to back away and protect herself, but another part wanted to take full advantage of the moment.

She shifted so that she could look at him. “Funny how this has turned out. When Christy rang me to say I was bringing Holly alone, then I found out you were coming, too—”

“I thought you’d back out. I thought you would have done anything to avoid me, as you had those other times I tried to engineer time with you.”

“You did? When?”

“I invited myself to Christy and Seb’s twice when I knew you were coming, and—”

“—and I rearranged.”

“You know how to make a guy feel special, that’s for sure.”

“I was really freaked out that you knew so much about me. I was nervous.”

“I know. Making yourself vulnerable is a big step in a relationship. It’s like stepping onto glass and wondering if it’s going to hold your weight.”

A big step in a relationship.She felt a moment of panic.

“I wouldn’t know. I’ve never done it before.”

“I know.” His tone was soft. “But I also knew that the only way to get around that was to spend time with you. And you kept stopping it happening.”

“I didn’t know you were engineering those visits especially so that you could see me.”

He sighed. “Alix, I can visit Christy and Seb anytime. Didn’t you wonder why I always tried to do it when you were there?”

“I assumed it was part of your naturally annoying personality. I never knew you were so manipulative. Next you’ll be telling me you set up that meeting for Seb so that you and I could spend time together.”

“No, but when he told me what had happened and that you were going with Holly, I saw an opportunity. Also, I may have shamelessly taken advantage of your love for Christy and Holly because I knew you wouldn’t want to let your friend down.”

She shook her head. “I had no idea you were so scheming. I always took you for a fairly straightforward kind of guy.”

“I am. But we straightforward types can scheme when the need arises.”

He’d wanted to be with her. He’d engineered it. The rush of exhilaration took her by surprise.

“You said that being with me would be maddening.”

“And it has been. In the best way.”

“For the record, I think you’re brilliant with Holly. I’m glad we did it together. And I’m glad they had that time alone.” She hesitated. “Did Christy and Seb seem okay to you?” It felt sad that she had to ask him. There had been a time when she would have known exactly how Christy felt.

“You’re sitting next to me, contemplating sex, and you’re worrying about Christy and Seb? I’m going to try not to be offended.”

“What makes you think I’m contemplating sex?”

“Probably wishful thinking.”

She smiled. “I love Christy. She’s my family. I can’t stop worrying.”

“If I assure you that you have no reason to worry, can we get back to the sex question?”

“How can you assure me? You don’t know any more than I do.” But something in his tone made her pause. An uneasy feeling flickered to life inside her. “Wait. Do you know something? Do you know something I don’t?”

“Alix—”

“You do.” She pulled her hand from his and sat up. “What am I missing? Are you about to tell me it wasn’t a work meeting.”

“It was an interview.” He spoke quietly, and she frowned, not understanding.

“An interview?”

“For a job.”

“What’s wrong with the job he has now? I thought he loved it.”

Zac stood up. “Forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Where are you going?”

“To make us something to eat.”

“I don’t want anything to eat. I want to finish this conversation. What shouldn’t you have said? That he’s job-hunting? Why not? Why the big secret?” She wrapped her arms around herself. The charged, intimate atmosphere had been replaced by a different kind of tension. “What do you know that I don’t?”

Zac looked at her, weighing it up. “He lost his job, Alix.” His tone was flat. “The interview was for a new job.”

He lost his job. He lost his job.

She stared at him and went through what she knew in her head. “No. That can’t be right. Seb loves his job. Losing it would have been a huge deal. Christy would have told me.” But she could see from his expression that it was right. And Christy hadn’t told her. Pain shot through her chest. “But you knew. How long have you known?”

“A while.”

She felt shivery and cold. “All this time we’ve been together you knew exactly what the problem was, and you didn’t tell me?” She thought about the car journey. All the opportunities he’d had to tell her the truth. The hurt was more intense than she could have imagined. “You would have slept with me, knowing that you were keeping this big secret.”

“It wasn’t a big secret, Alix—”

“Really? So why don’t I know about it? This isn’t a piece of mindless gossip, Zac. This is my friend we’re talking about! I’ve been out of my mind with worry since she called me that night in New York and asked me to take Holly. You knew I was worried.” Her hair slid over her face, and she pushed it back. “All this time you could have put my mind at rest, and you didn’t.”

“I was in a difficult position.” He stood, tense and immobile, in front of the window. “I probably shouldn’t be telling you now, but I didn’t want to keep anything from you. I didn’t want there to be secrets between us.”

“Why? We don’t have a relationship, Zac. Keep as many secrets as you like.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t be cold with me.”

“Why not? This is who I am, Zac.”

“That’s not true.”

She was hurt. Desperately hurt. And she couldn’t figure out who had hurt her most. Christy or Zac.

She’d almost slept with him. She’d felt herself sliding slowly, dangerously, into a relationship.

Well, thank goodness that was one mistake she hadn’t made.

She stalked to the bedroom, grabbed a pillow and a fleece throw and dropped them next to Zac. “You offered to sleep on the sofa. I accept.”

“Alix—”

“Compared to sleeping in an ice cave or whatever it was, one night on a sofa should seem like luxury.”

“Can we talk about this? A moment ago we were about to—”

“No, we weren’t. I only do one date, Zac. And we’re already way past that.” Using dignity like a shield, she walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind her.