12

Alix

“Iwant to play in the snow.” Holly sat wedged between Zac and Alix on the sled, towed by a snowmobile driven by Erik. Alix kept a tight hold on her, terrified that she was going to bounce or wriggle her way out of the sled in her excitement. It seemed to her sometimes that Holly was on a one-woman mission to injure herself. Turn your back and she was climbing something or poking her fingers in something. How was Christy not a nervous wreck?

“You will have plenty of time to play, I promise.” Robyn leaned forward and tucked the rug around Holly’s legs. Suka, the Siberian husky, lay at her feet, watchful and adoring. “Fortunately it’s not as cold as it could be today, but still it’s important to watch your temperature.”

“I’m not cold.”

Probably all the bouncing, Alix thought. There were so many things to think about as a parent. You had to be a mind reader. It gave her a new respect for Christy. Her own parents hadn’t tried to anticipate anything. She didn’t remember being once asked if she was too hot or too cold. If something was wrong in her life, she’d had to fix it herself. Which was a good thing, maybe, except it meant you had no experience of letting people do things for you.

“First, we’re going to find the perfect Christmas tree,” Robyn said, “and then we’ll be able to play in the snow and have hot chocolate to warm up. How does that sound?”

“It sounds perfect.” Holly, fearless and curious after a good long sleep, seemed the least nervous among them. At the last moment she remembered her manners. “Thank you, Aunt Robyn.”

Alix saw Robyn’s eyes mist. How must it feel, seeing family for the first time in years? And what had wrenched them apart in the first place?

It wasn’t her place to ask. That was between Robyn and Christy. Also, she’d experienced enough emotion in the last few days to last her the rest of the year. She didn’t intend to go looking for more.

After that kiss—Why couldn’t she stop thinking about that kiss?—she and Zac had eaten dinner together. They’d sat opposite each other at the small table, a candle in the center, and she’d focused on that dancing flame and tried to lock her emotions away where they belonged. She was confident that she could do it. After all, she was an expert. Except that for once her expertise seemed to have left her. She used all the tricks she’d learned over the years. She detached herself mentally, imagined all her feelings floating away in a balloon, used breathing techniques. But still it felt as if some essential part of her defenses had been irrevocably breached. Even as her brain tried to lock down the memory, her lips were remembering the feel of his, and her skin the touch of his hands.

Had he known? After that searing kiss, she’d expected the evening to be the height of awkward, but instead he’d steered away from all things personal and told her about his work leading polar expeditions. To begin with, she’d only half listened, her mind still working through options for what to do if Holly mentioned what she’d witnessed—Kiss? That’s ridiculous. She must have been dreaming—but eventually she’d found herself absorbed by what he was telling her. He’d inherited a love of the outdoors from his father and learned wilderness skills on trips abroad. His passion for the polar regions had been cemented by a research trip as a postgraduate. He’d described glittering snowfields, snowcapped mountains and glaciers that dazzled under the midnight sun. She’d been so captivated by his descriptions that for a short time she’d lowered her guard and stopped fighting the fact that she found him interesting. There had even been laughter.

She’d felt a flicker of envy when he’d described his relationship with his father. The trips they’d taken together had obviously inspired him. She couldn’t remember taking any trips with her parents. They traveled alone on their various research trips. She’d almost felt their sigh of relief as they’d dragged battered luggage through the front gate, letting it slam on the life they were leaving behind. On her. She’d been left to occupy herself in the care of whichever parent had drawn the short straw.

Still, there were benefits. Her childhood had made her fiercely independent, and that was a good thing. Her parents left her to make all her own decisions, from what she wore to how she spent her time. She had no problems being alone because part of her had felt alone all her life. She’d learned to rely on no one but herself. The only person she’d allowed herself to be close to was Christy. The only person who really knew her and cared about her was Christy.

She ignored the little voice in her head reminding her that Zac knew her well, too.

That had been an accident. The result of a moment of weakness. It was her bad luck that he’d been the one to witness it.

“Christy mentioned that you’re head of marketing for a big toy company.” Robyn’s voice brought her back to the present.

“Aunty Alix has the best job.” Holly tried to stand up on the seat, and Zac grabbed the back of her coat and anchored her in place. His fingers brushed against Alix’s, and she moved her hand abruptly.

“Yes. Lucky me. I managed to turn play into my job.” She shouldn’t have snatched her hand away. She should have exchanged an amused glance with him, not behaved as if his touch had scalded her. “Sit still, Holly. You don’t want to fall out.” At least Holly hadn’t mentioned the kiss. Presumably that meant it was already forgotten.

“When I grow up I’m going to be like you.” Holly wriggled against Zac’s restraining grip. “Aunty Alix knows everything about toys. And she brings me lots.”

Robyn laughed. “Sounds as if you’re lucky, too.”

“I am. And she gives the best cuddles.” As if to prove it, Holly plastered herself against Alix. “I’m going to be her bridesmaid.”

“Oh! That’s wonderful. Congratulations! I didn’t realize.” Robyn glanced from Alix to Zac. “When are you getting married?”

Oh this was ridiculous!

Alix waited for Zac to respond, but he was convulsing with silent laughter, apparently unable to speak. He raised his hand—the one that wasn’t clamped on Holly’s coat—indicating that he needed a moment, and Alix glared at him.

Why didn’t he correct them? Why wasn’t he bothered?

Her exasperation was an ointment, healing the vulnerability she’d felt after his kiss. Any warm feelings she might have had after their conversation the night before vanished.

“We’re not getting married,” she said. “Holly desperately wants to be a bridesmaid and is currently looking for likely candidates.”

“But you were kissing.” Holly always loved to be helpful. “For a long time.”

Was there to be no respite from this?

“Well, we weren’t exactly—”

“You were like this.” Holly pursed her lips and made kissing noises. “And I had to say your name two times because you couldn’t hear me through the kissing.”

So much for hoping Holly would forget. She seemed to have absorbed every detail.

Robyn was probably wondering exactly what level of childcare Alix was providing in her friend’s absence. Would she have heard a fire alarm through the kissing? Breaking glass? An intruder?

“Uncle Zac?” Holly was determined to get to the bottom of the mystery. “Why were you kissing Aunty Alix if you’re not going to marry her?”

Good. It was his turn to be subjected to Holly’s questioning.

Zac rubbed his hand across his jaw, struggling to regain control. “I was kissing Aunty Alix—who, by the way, was kissing me back—because I like kissing her.”

Oh for—

“I like kissing her, too.” To prove her point, Holly wrapped herself around Alix and planted wet kisses on her cold cheek. “She has kissy cheeks.”

“Wow. That’s, um—” Alix screwed up her face “—nice.”

“She has a kissy mouth, too,” Zac murmured, and she threw him a look that should have shriveled him on the spot.

He simply smiled, and so did Robyn.

“I think it’s great that you two are together, even if young Holly here is trying to speed you into a permanent commitment.”

Alix gave up. It was all too complicated. If she explained that they weren’t together, how did she explain the kiss?

Holly reached out to stroke Suka. “Will she bite me?”

“She won’t bite.”

“Biting is naughty.” Holly pushed her gloved hands into Suka’s fur. “I used to bite when I was little, but then I stopped.”

“I remember that phase.” Alix was relieved Holly’s focus had shifted from kissing to biting. “It was painful. I remember I woke up one morning to find your jaws lodged in my shoulder. I was glad when you stopped.”

Robyn reached out to rub Suka’s fur. “You’ve known Christy a long time?”

“Since I was five. We sat next to each other in school.”

“Best friends.” Robyn glanced at Holly. “You obviously have a close relationship if she trusts you with her most precious possession.”

Alix wasn’t sure what her relationship with Christy was anymore. All she knew was that it wasn’t what it had been. She didn’t know if this was the end of their friendship. Nor did she know how to broach the subject. She and Christy hadn’t had a deep, personal conversation in a long time. Why was she only now realizing that? Had she not thought to look, or had she not wanted to look?

Sensing that Robyn was waiting for a response, she tried to smile. “Yes,” she said. “We’re close.”

“You’re lucky to have each other.”

Alix wasn’t sure Christy would agree, but fortunately Robyn had moved on to Zac.

“And you’ve known Seb forever?”

“We met in college.” Zac stretched out his legs. “How did you end up in Sweden, Robyn?”

Alix wondered if he’d changed the subject in order to avoid answering questions about the relationship the four of them shared.

“I worked in hotels and restaurants for a while, gradually traveling north. Worked a summer season in Kiruna and then met Erik and decided to stay on for the winter. And that was it. I fell in love.”

“With Erik?” Alix was curious. So far Robyn wasn’t fitting the image of a wild rebel.

“Yes.” Robyn sat back in the sled. “But also with this place. And with the life. I was never good at playing the games that are expected of a person in today’s world. I’m no good at politics or people-pleasing. Always said the wrong thing. Did the wrong thing. Was never interested in promotion or climbing corporate ladders. Always been bad on ladders. Couldn’t find a route that worked for me. My life was full of mistakes and missteps. You probably already know this.”

Why would they know it? Was Robyn aware that she’d been a banned topic of conversation? She was one of the things that hadn’t been permitted in Christy’s life when she was growing up, along with alcohol, drugs, staying out late and bad language.

At the time Alix had thought of Elizabeth’s approach as firm parenting, something she’d never observed before, but over time she’d understood it had been more complicated than that.

“I don’t know anything.” Alix wasn’t about to confess all the guesses she and Christy had made over the years. Hey, we wondered if you’d killed someone.

“I made some bad decisions. Wrong choices. Got sucked in with the wrong people.” She glanced briefly at Holly, reluctant to say more, but the child’s attention was focused on Suka. “Barely survived, to be honest, but out here, survival means something different. Nature makes the rules, but they’re rules that are easy to understand. The landscape demands certain knowledge and skills, and I felt at home here right from the start.”

What wrong choices? What bad decisions? Alix wanted to know what had brought Robyn here. Not that it was hard to understand the attraction.

She breathed in the freezing air and the scent of the forest. She’d always thought of herself as a city person. Certainly she had no desire to swap places with Christy and live in a cottage in the country, but this—this was something different. There was a wildness to it that was fascinating. Or maybe it was Zac’s stories about the place that had made it fascinating.

And now she was thinking about him again. No matter how hard she tried, her mind kept circling back.

After Holly had disturbed them the night before, he hadn’t kissed her again, but the intimacy had hovered between them, heating the atmosphere as effectively as the log fire that flickered in the corner of the cabin. She’d been doing her best to ignore what had happened at the wedding, but he’d put an end to that pretense, and now it was out there and impossible to ignore.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t shut it down.

She’d had a sleepless night, going over and over it in her head.

“This is the place.” Robyn sat forward as the sled stopped moving. Without the noise from the snowmobile, the only sounds were the creak of snow, heavy on the trees, and Suka panting as she leaped from the sled.

It was idyllic.

They clambered out of the sled and pulled on snowshoes.

Zac held Holly’s hand as she tackled the snow, sliding and stumbling as she practiced this new art. She fell, giggling, and Suka was by her side in a moment, tail wagging furiously, nudging her to get up. Zac scooped up the little girl, set her carefully on her feet and then did the whole thing over again when she stumbled.

“He’s good with her.” Robyn hauled a backpack out of the sled. “Patient.”

“Yes.”

Robyn secured the backpack and stepped closer to Alix. “This probably seems like a strange request—” she cleared her throat “—but I’d love to hear more about Christy.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything. Everything. I haven’t seen her since she was three years old.” Her voice shook. “It was…” She stared into the forest, and Alix waited.

Should she prompt her? Had she changed her mind about talking about it?

“Don’t feel you have to—”

“I’m sorry.” Robyn gave her a brief, awkward smile. “I’ve trained myself not to think about it. It’s not easy to talk about.”

Alix had no idea what to say.

“Family is often difficult. Complicated.”

“You sound as if you know.”

It was Alix’s turn to feel awkward. To her, family equaled pain. She wondered if Robyn was the same. “I’m no expert on relationships, I can tell you that.”

“Me, neither. It was at Christmas, did you know that?”

Alix shook her head. She was pretty sure Christy didn’t know, either.

Christmas. Was that significant? The festive season was often a tense time for families, of course, but she’d always had a feeling the rift between Elizabeth and Robyn was of a long-standing nature.

She watched her breath form clouds in the air and zipped her coat a little higher. “You asked me about Christy. She loves Christmas. Always has.” What else was she prepared to say that didn’t feel like a betrayal of confidences? “She’s kind. Generous. Loves clothes. She’s artistic—” she frowned “—she works as a graphic designer, but you can see her artistic talent in everything she does from a table setting to decorating Holly’s bedroom. She has style. She’s incredibly organized, likes everything to be a certain way. Ends her day making a list for the following day…”

Robyn nodded. “Her mother was the same.”

“She likes things to be perfect,” Alix said and thought about the conversation with Zac, “and that’s not always easy to handle. She’s loyal. And gentle. She hates any sort of confrontation. When a kid in school stole her lunch, I was the one who got a black eye getting it back. If you’ve upset her, she’s unlikely to tell you unless you press her hard.”

Robyn pulled up the hood of her coat. “And Seb?”

Alix was still deep in her own thoughts. “Sorry?”

“Is Seb good for her?”

Alix saw Zac glance at her and knew he’d heard the question and was likely listening to her answer. “Yes,” she croaked. “They seem happy together.”

What did she know? What did she know about relationships? Nothing: that was the truth. And it would have been better for everyone if she’d realized that sooner. Before she’d opened her mouth at her best friend’s wedding.

Erik grabbed an ax from the sled. He looked entirely at home in this beautiful, white wilderness. “Are we ready to find a tree? Searching for the perfect Christmas tree is a family tradition.”

“Sounds good.” Tradition. Everyone seemed to have them at Christmas, except for her. She was forced to borrow other people’s.

Her hand still in Zac’s, Holly tipped her head back and studied the trees around her. Some were bent under the weight of the snow, forming strange, otherworldly shapes. All around them the thick white snow reflected the muted blue light.

Alix thought she could happily look at it for the rest of her life. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Robyn nodded. “Arctic light. People often assume it’s dark here at this time of year because the sun doesn’t rise above the horizon, but far from it. It’s heaven for a photographer.”

Alix thought of the photographs on the wall in the cabin and how they’d perfectly captured the scale of nature. Robyn and Christy clearly shared an artistic talent, although she was pretty sure her friend didn’t know that.

“That tree!” Holly pointed, and Robyn raised her eyebrows.

“We might have to find one a little smaller than that.” Robyn held out her hand, tentatively, as if she wasn’t sure what the response would be. “Do you want to come with me, Holly?”

Holly didn’t hesitate. She let go of Zac and slipped her hand into Robyn’s. With Suka padding along next to her, she walked along the snowy track into the forest.

Anticipating all the accidents that could befall her, Alix went to follow, but Zac caught her arm.

“Let them have some time together. They’ll be fine. We can see her. Relax.”

Relax? How? She’d blown a lot of things, but she wasn’t going to blow this. “She’s my responsibility.” She wanted to hover behind the child in case she fell. Wrap her in an extra layer in case she was cold.

“She’s our responsibility. And we’re taking it seriously. But maybe it will do her good to have a little time with Robyn.”

“We don’t really know Robyn. And they don’t know Holly. They won’t know her capacity for accidents. She’ll probably try and chop the tree down herself.”

“They’re being careful. Look.”

She looked and saw Robyn holding tightly to Holly’s hand as they took a closer look at a tree. She thought about the tears she’d seen in her eyes and how careful she’d been when approaching the child.

“It must be strange for her to see Holly after all this time. She seemed emotional about it.”

“Not surprising, I suppose. Big family rift and no contact for a few decades? This must be a pretty momentous visit for her. Potentially life-changing.”

Alix shifted uncomfortably. She didn’t want the responsibility of dealing with an emotionally momentous moment. “I probably said all the wrong things—”

“I think you handled it perfectly.”

He stood, legs spread to steady himself on the deep snow, his eyes on Holly. She had a feeling that, if necessary, he would have reached the child in a moment despite the distance.

“You think so?”

“Yes. You were caring, but matter-of-fact. If you hadn’t been, she would have been crying on you now. She’s a brave woman.”

“Brave?”

“Putting herself out there emotionally.” He stooped and picked up a handful of snow in his gloved hand. “Risking rejection. That’s a big deal.”

His comment was related to the conversation about Robyn, so why did she get the feeling he was talking about her? And she realized that even without Holly she wouldn’t have been able to relax. Not with Zac there.

“If you’re thinking of throwing that snow at me, think again.” Unsettled, trying to leave her thoughts behind with the man responsible for them, she walked a little way into the forest. Here the trees rose tall to the sky, their snowy tips cathedral-high. It was like being wrapped in winter.

“Romantic, isn’t it?” His voice came from behind her, deep and full of laughter, and she turned, eyeing the snow in his hand.

“Funnily enough, I don’t have any romantic feelings at all, but that’s probably the company.”

“Oh come on, admit it—” he leaned a little closer “—you didn’t get much sleep last night after that kiss. You were thinking about me.”

“I slept like a baby,” she lied, “and you didn’t so much as cross my mind. Maybe your technique needs work.” This bit of a relationship she could do. The banter. The verbal stalking. The distance.

How did he manage to look so good in outdoor clothing? Although she was grateful for the warmth and insulation, she felt awkward and bulky in the clothes lent to her by Robyn. Zac had his own, of course, and on him they managed to look flattering. His jacket was black with a reflective gray strip along the zipper. He looked tough and a little dangerous. Athletic and strong. Eminently capable of surviving in the most inhospitable conditions.

She tugged at her jacket, feeling like an impostor despite the clothing.

He laughed. “Does that usually work?”

“What?” She’d been so busy looking at his thighs, she’d forgotten what they were talking about.

“Your attempts to freeze a guy out?”

“Always.” She focused on his face instead. “Although, you don’t look particularly frozen out.”

“Ah, but there is one big difference between all the guys you’ve frozen before and me.”

“You’re more annoying? Stubborn? Obtuse?”

“I’m used to surviving in freezing conditions.” He tugged her hood farther over her hair, blocking out the cold. “I’ve studied the properties of ice and snow. It doesn’t scare me. Also, I happen to know that snow and ice melt under certain conditions.”

“Are you suggesting you’re hot enough to melt snow? You don’t think you might be a little overconfident?”

“I understand that you’re afraid to show your feelings, but Alix—” His gaze dropped to her mouth. “We may never get a chance like this again.”

Her heart was pounding. “A chance for what?”

“For the perfect romantic moment.” He gestured to the trees. “If you want to propose, now would be a good time. And think how happy Holly would be.”

For a wild moment she’d actually thought he was serious.

Exasperated, feeling a little foolish, she stooped, scooped up a large handful of snow and pelted him with it. It hit him smack in the chest.

She punched the air with her fist. There were other ways to freeze people out.

“Are you declaring war?” He descended on her with challenge in his eyes, and she stepped back, her movements hampered by deep snow.

“Enough. You have to tell Robyn the truth.”

“Why me?”

“Because this whole misunderstanding is your fault.” She showered him with another handful of snow, but this time he ducked out of the way so that it only grazed his arm.

“Actually, no. I believe the blame for that lies with Erik.”

“To begin with, maybe.” She bent and gathered more snow, the lure of the childish pursuit stronger than she would have imagined. “But then you compounded everything by kissing me, and by not denying that we’re a couple. All of it.”

“The problem wasn’t me kissing you. It was you kissing me back. If you hadn’t kissed me back, that would have been the end of it. I would have thought, She’s not interested. I read it all wrong.”

“I’m not interested. You read it all wrong. And if you knew anything about me, then you’d know that.” She stepped back, and back again, until her retreat was blocked by a tree. “You do not possess any of the qualities I insist on in a man I date.”

“I can kiss you until you forget your own name. That doesn’t count?” He was so close she could feel the warmth of him, and she ducked down and scooped up more snow.

This time she missed and knew immediately that she’d given him the advantage.

“This game ends now.”

“Because you’re losing?”

“I’m not losing.”

His smile flashed. “We’ll see about that.” He scooped up snow and formed it into a ball. She had seconds to decide whether to run or retaliate.

If she ran in this deep snow, she’d fall, which left—

She grabbed snow and hurled it before he did.

He cursed, wiped the icy, transparent crystals from his jaw and his shoulders. “So going back to those qualities you look for…”

“Forget it. You don’t possess a single one.”

“Except that I know how to kiss you.”

“You took me by surprise, that’s all. And thanks to you we’re now in a horribly awkward situation.” She stumbled slightly, the deep snow unfamiliar. By contrast every step he took was sure and confident. Why had she started a fight she was never going to win?

“I kissed you first, I admit that, but it would have been over in under a second if you hadn’t kissed me back. Holly would have walked out of her bedroom and found me standing there, reeling from rejection.”

“Reeling?”The tree pressed into her back, blocking her escape. “I wish you were reeling.”

She’d never met a man she couldn’t easily keep at a distance.

She was always the one in control. She set the boundaries. Dinner, eight o’clock? I’ll meet you there. She never took men back to her apartment, and she never stayed the whole night at theirs. Her dates were interesting, attractive and easy to let go. Usually she did it by text.

Sorry, but this isn’t working out.

Occasionally there would be an attempt to persuade her to change her mind, but she wasn’t Christy. She had no problem with difficult conversations. She didn’t respond to emotional manipulation. She didn’t feel any guilt ending a relationship. She didn’t have a soft heart.

But here was Zac, refusing to back down, sparring with her.

“You’re being intentionally annoying.” Oh what the heck. All this snow was too tempting. She pelted him, and he ducked, scooping up snow in the same movement.

“I am annoying. I’m on a mission to get you to feel things, and I’m willing to start with frustration. Even frostbite.”

“I am feeling so many things right now.” They were both so wrapped up in their own exchange that they didn’t hear the others approach.

“I’m pleased you’re having a good time, but it’s not a good idea to get too cold!” Robyn’s voice came from behind Zac, Alix’s view blocked by the width of his shoulders.

She realized that for a few minutes she’d forgotten the existence of other people. She hadn’t even thought about Holly.

She gave him a push and walked toward Robyn.

“We were—”

“Having fun. I know.” Robyn smiled. “It’s hard not to when there’s this much snow. It’s incredible, isn’t it?”

Fun? Alix frowned. They’d been having a fight. Couldn’t Robyn see that? With snow, admittedly, like children. But it wasn’t a game. It was…it was…

She sighed.

It was fun. But she wouldn’t be admitting that to anyone, least of all Zac. Even admitting it to herself took a bit of getting used to.

She dusted snow from her jacket, trying to recover her dignity. Only now did she notice how cold she was. “We’re done.”

Holly had her arms round Suka. “We’re going to have hot chocolate.”

“We are. Definitely time to warm up, I think.” Robyn guided them to a little wooden hut hidden by trees. Erik had already started a fire, and they sat covered in thick blankets, toasty warm as they sipped mugs of creamy hot cocoa and ate sugar-encrusted pastries flavored with cinnamon and cardamom.

Robyn removed a camera from her backpack and took some shots of Holly and also of the forest.

They returned to the cabin with their tree, and Alix saw immediately that Erik had made the right choice. It rose to the ceiling, filling the room with the most delicious scent of Christmas.

They took turns to shower and warm up, and then Robyn arrived with a box of decorations and lights.

“I’ll leave these with you. I’m sure the three of you will have fun here in the warmth. There are games in the box by the window, and if you want to venture outside again you can build a snowman right outside your door.” She handed the box to Holly who immediately started hanging them on the lower branches. The box tilted, and Zac removed it from her fingers before she could upend the delicate contents. He squatted next to her, holding it steady while she carefully selected a decoration and decided where to put it. It was unlikely that even the most sought-after interior designer had ever given so much thought as to the perfect placement of a silver ball. Her head was close to Zac’s, blond hair against black. He waited for her to choose the right position and then helped her ease them farther along the branch if she’d left them teetering on the edge.

Alix felt a pang, remembering how much she used to love doing this with Christy and her family. Choosing the tree was one of their favorite Christmas traditions.

Robyn watched her for a moment, as if she couldn’t quite tear herself away. “I was thinking… Which would you prefer to do tomorrow with the little one? Feed the reindeer, or go dogsledding? Or we could go and see S-a-n-t-a?” She spelled it out rather than saying the word, and Alix looked at Holly, torn between doing what was fun and what was right.

This trip was Christy’s dream, and she didn’t want to take even a small part of it away from her.

“I think those are things she should do with Christy and Seb,” she said. “We only have a day before they arrive. We’ll play some games here, build a snowman, make the place festive. Perhaps you could lend us Suka for a few hours.”

“Sounds good.” Robyn glanced at her watch. “I should go. I have another aurora-photography trip later. And Erik is taking a group on a midnight snowshoe walk.”

“Sounds magical.” Zac kept half an eye on Holly as she steadily covered the lower branches of the tree with decorations.

“You two would probably enjoy it,” Robyn said. “Once Christy and Seb arrive and you’re no longer responsible for childcare, that should be on your list. But what I think you’d really love is the aurora safari. We go dogsledding at night through the forest and end up in the perfect place to see the aurora, conditions permitting. Shall I book you in? It’s popular, and we only take a small number. I can guarantee you won’t have a more romantic experience anywhere, ever.”

And if ever there was a reason not to do something, there it was, right there.

“I’m not sure that—”

“It sounds exactly what we need,” Zac said smoothly. “Thank you. Count us in.”

“Great.” Robyn smiled at Holly. “Have fun with that tree.”

She left the cabin, and Alix gave Zac a look.

“Count us in? The most romantic experience ever? I thought you were going to tell her the truth?”

He shrugged. “I never said that. And who knows, maybe it will be the most romantic experience ever. Doesn’t sound as if you’ve had that many. Your frozen heart will melt, and you will succumb to my charms.”

Alix glanced at Holly, but the little girl was busy hanging decorations and didn’t appear to be taking any notice.

“I’m more likely to succumb to the charms of the dog team.”

He put the box on the floor and rose to his feet. “It will be cold, Carpenter. You’ll have to snuggle.”

She rolled her eyes and tried not to think about being that close to him. “You want me there for my warming properties?”

“Uncle Zac! I need you to lift me.” Holly stretched upward, decoration in hand, and Zac obligingly scooped her up and settled her on his shoulders.

“That was a thoughtful thing you did back there. Saving those special trips for when Christy and Seb arrive.”

Alix shrugged. “She’ll have a better time. Also I don’t want to think about the number of potential accidents Holly could have near a reindeer. We both know childcare isn’t really my thing.”

“What I know,” he said slowly, “is that you’re a good friend.”

Was she?

It should have felt reassuring to hear him say it, but now she was doubting it herself.

She felt a sudden urge to confide in him and tell him how worried she was that she’d blown everything, but Holly chose that moment to tug on his hair.

“Closer!”

Zac winced and stepped closer to the tree.

Holly hung the ornament carefully and then gestured to the box. “I want to put one right on top.”

Alix lifted the box so that she could choose.

Fearless as ever, Holly lunged toward the tree and almost lost her balance. Destabilized by the sudden shift in weight, Zac almost lost his balance, too, and Alix grabbed his arms.

He steadied himself and clamped the child firmly in place.

“Thanks. How does Christy keep her alive?”

“I don’t know.” It was one of the things that had scared her most when her friend had asked her to look after Holly. She was used to troubleshooting issues at work, but those challenges had done nothing to prepare her for this particular child’s ability to get into trouble. “It’s a challenge.” For a moment she forgot she was working hard to keep him at a distance, and they exchanged a smile of mutual sympathy and understanding. And then, that simple connection turned to something else, something more intimate, and she immediately wished she hadn’t lowered her guard, because now he was looking at her in that unflinching, direct way that gave her nowhere to hide. She didn’t know whether to be excited by the discovery that she could feel something so intensely or annoyed with him for making her feel something so intensely.

“Zac—”

Her phone rang, giving her the excuse she needed to move away and distance herself.

It was Christy.

“How are you? Have you and Zac killed each other yet?”

“No, although we’ve come close.” She turned her back on Zac so she couldn’t see his expression and he couldn’t see hers. There was something about the intimacy of this cabin that was making her feel tense. “How are you doing there?”

She only half listened as Christy told her that they were now in London, in preparation for Seb’s work meeting.

Normally she would have asked about it, but she was no longer sure what to say and what not to say. Their friendship, once so familiar, now felt like a foreign country. She didn’t know the language, and she didn’t have a map.

She desperately wanted to fix it, but a long-distance phone call wasn’t the time to talk about deep and difficult issues. That had to be done face-to-face, so instead of saying everything in her mind, she gave a factual account of the morning’s activities and promised to send some photos from her phone.

Zac was on his hands and knees on the floor, and she was starting to wonder what he was doing when he flicked a switch. Holly clapped her hands as the tree lit up, the tiny bulbs illuminating the branches.

It was the most beautiful tree she’d ever seen, like something straight out of a fairy tale or a magical children’s story, the tree every child would draw when they were attempting to capture their perfect Christmas.

The sentimental thought alarmed her. She wasn’t a sentimental person, so where had that come from?

What was wrong with her?

While Zac removed pine needles from his sweater, Alix handed Holly the phone.

Only half listening as Holly babbled all the details of her day to Christy, Alix cleared up the clothing that they’d stripped off inside the door, hopeful that mundane tasks would cure her of fanciful thoughts, but everything seemed to conspire against her. Not just Zac, but the cabin and the forest itself. The fire glowed and flickered behind the protective glass, warming the air and the atmosphere. Beyond the windows the snow glistened as if someone had scattered silver and diamonds on the surface.

She hung up Holly’s coat carefully so it would dry.

“It’s no wonder Robyn chose not to leave this place. Photographer’s paradise.” She was proud of how normal she sounded. How neutral the topic of conversation.

It was a pretty place, she reasoned. Even the least poetic of individuals would find it hard not to fall under the wintery spell of Lapland. Its appeal was undeniable. That was probably what was wrong with her. She was falling in love with the place.

Or maybe it was Christmas itself that was unsettling her as it usually did. Not in a big way, but it was true that at this time of year she had to work a little harder to keep her emotions in check.

She thought about the text from her mother and the silence from her father. She didn’t usually think too much about it—she’d long since accepted that it was how it was—but maybe it was playing on her mind this time. Maybe that was what was wrong.

“Here.” Zac handed her a mug of hot tea, and she took it gratefully, her fingers brushing briefly against his.

“Thanks.”

Like her, he’d showered and changed and now he wore jeans and a heavy, ribbed sweater. His jaw was dark with stubble, his hair a little messy where he’d left it to dry naturally.

“To us.” He tapped his mug against hers in a toast, and his smile was slow and easy. “We have to keep her alive for one more day.”

She laughed, because he’d echoed her exact thoughts, and as they exchanged a look of understanding, finally it came to her. The reason she was feeling all these things.

It had nothing to do with the place. Nothing to do with her parents.

And everything to do with this man.

She’d always believed she was in control of her emotions. She’d worked hard at it and had always thought her protective shield was impenetrable. And now she was forced to face the most frightening truth of all.

When it came to Zac, she wasn’t in control at all.