18

Christy

Christy wrapped the present in front of her and added it to the growing pile.

“Is this the last one?” Seb ripped off some tape and slapped it onto the parcel in front of him. “Why do mine never look like yours?”

She smiled, even though she’d never felt less like smiling in her life. “Because you can’t be bothered to spend the time. Still, at least we don’t need labels for yours.”

“That’s harsh. We’ll tell Holly these fell off Santa’s sleigh.” Seb picked up his parcel gingerly. “At least it’s holding together. That’s what counts. And Holly won’t care about the wrapping. She’ll only care about what’s in them. She is so excited. We’ve stopped counting sleeps, and now we’re counting hours.”

“I know. It’s fun to watch.” Christy tucked the last of the wrapped parcels into the suitcase, ready to be hidden back under the bed. She tried not to think about the times she’d done this with Alix.

“What else do we need to do?”

“Why are you asking me? You threw away my notebook, remember? No more lists.”

“Ha!” He stood up, wincing as he stretched out cramped muscles. “Don’t tell me you don’t have a list going on in that head of yours.”

“Maybe. A small one.” Top of her list if she had one would be Fix friendship. But was that going to be possible? She’d gone from being upset with Alix to being upset with herself. She’d been thoughtless. Insensitive.

The evening before, she’d forced herself to take a long, painful look at herself. She thought about the times she’d talked to Alix about Seb. How she’d shared that excitement unfiltered, without once thinking how her new relationship might affect their friendship. She’d made life plans without considering that Alix might be wondering where she fitted in that life.

Why had she not thought about how hard it might be for her friend? She kept thinking back to all the things Alix had done to support her. After Holly was born. When Christy’s mother had died. She’d always been there, giving Christy what she needed. And Christy hadn’t given any thought to what Alix needed. She was a horrible friend.

A solid lump formed in her throat.

“This morning was fun.” Seb reached down and pulled her to her feet. “You were right when you promised this would be a great Christmas. I’ll never forget her face when she saw Santa.”

Christy looked at him. “Sorry. What did you say?”

“This morning was fun.”

“Yes.” She had to stop thinking about this. She had to focus on the moment, or she was going to ruin Christmas for everyone. “It was magical.”

They’d spent the morning gliding through the frozen forest, snuggled up in the back of a sleigh pulled by reindeer. Holly’s excitement had been a living thing, buoyant, bouncing, and Christy had been grateful for the distraction. Her clash with Alix had left her feeling devastated, although she’d said nothing. It was a feature of motherhood, she’d discovered, that you could be bright and positive in front of your child while wanting to sob on the inside. Also, that even while feeling sad about something, you could enjoy a happy moment. They’d sipped hot cocoa in a cozy wooden hut deep in the forest, and they’d visited Santa. Holly had explained at length what she wanted for Christmas which, to Christy’s relief, hadn’t changed since she’d put in her last request.

“Now we’ve finished wrapping, are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?” He walked to the kitchen and poured two mugs of coffee. “And don’t tell me it’s nothing. I’ve had to say everything twice, and you look as if your best friend died.”

It actually felt that way. She’d lain awake all night thinking about it. She’d picked up her phone multiple times. She’d even typed a message, but she’d never sent it. And Alix had sent nothing, either. There had been a time when they’d messaged each other several times a day. Sometimes just a line, or a joke, or a link with Take a look at these great shoes, but it made both of them feel connected. That contact had lessened over the years, and she missed it. At first she’d assumed Alix was busy, but now she could see that she herself had reached for her phone less often, even though the contact was as important to her as ever.

Eventually she’d drifted off, but she’d woken feeling exhausted and sick. Still, it was impossible to be drowsy when the outside temperature was down to minus double digits, and she’d managed to enjoy her morning.

Seb handed her a mug of coffee. “Christy?”

How much should she tell him?

Usually she avoided discussing her friendship with Alix with him, but they’d agreed to be honest, hadn’t they?

“I messed things up with Alix.”

“How? When? During your spa visit?”

“There was no spa visit. There was a…conversation.” Was conversation the right word? No. The words they’d exchanged had been much too heated for that. “You know how I find it hard to say what I’m really feeling? Well, not yesterday. Yesterday I told her the truth. And—” it almost killed her to remember it “—I said too much. It didn’t come out well. I was upset, and she was upset. I told her she’d ruined my wedding day.” And she knew she’d never forget the raw pain and guilt in Alix’s eyes. Thinking about it crushed her all over again. “I actually said that. I told her how much what she said at the wedding upset me. And how it had carried on upsetting me.”

“Is that how you feel?” He put his coffee down, a strange expression on his face, and she realized that now she’d upset him, too.

“I’m sorry!” She put her mug down, too, and reached out a hand. “I need to stop talking and never say another word as long as I live.”

“No. Although, I’ll admit you threw me for a few seconds there.” He took her hand and pulled her toward him. “Christy, we both know Alix didn’t ruin the wedding. Yes, she caused an upset the day before, and of course that was unsettling and hurtful, and her words have obviously stayed in your head, but we had fun at our wedding. It felt as if we were laughing the whole day. Do you really need me to remind you of that? Don’t you remember what happened with the cake?”

“Oh…yes.” She did remember, and remembering made her smile. “And your great-aunt Lucy giving that spontaneous speech.”

“Wasn’t it awful?” He shuddered. “At least it was after the wedding and not before. Otherwise you might have run.”

“I would never have run.” She wrapped her arms around him. “You’re right. It was fun. It was a wonderful day, and I have so many happy memories. And yes, Alix’s words did simmer in the back of my mind, but she didn’t spoil the day. Nothing could have spoiled it.” She groaned and buried her head in his chest. “So why did I say those horrible, hurtful words to her?”

“Because you let this thing heat up in your head until it boiled over. You should have talked to her sooner.”

“I know. I’ve been a terrible friend. I try so hard to be perfect, and I couldn’t be further from perfect.”

“And I can’t tell you how relieved I am about that.”

She looked up at him. “What?”

“Think about it. You being perfect puts a ton of pressure on me. It’s actually a relief to me to know you can screw up, too, because that gives me permission to screw up without feeling I’m failing you and falling short the whole time.”

“I… Oh.”

“And the fact that you couldn’t get Alix’s words out of your mind—something you didn’t share with me, by the way—explains why you thought I was having a hot date with Mandy, who, incidentally, is sixty and has three adorable grandchildren.”

She gave a choked laugh. “I still feel bad about that, too.”

“Don’t.” He hugged her tightly. “I should have told you that I lost my job on the day it happened. That was my big screwup. I should have called you the moment I walked out of that damn room instead of panicking, but I was afraid it would break what we had. I guess neither of us knew the other as well as we should have done.”

“Nothing’s going to break what we have.”

“And nothing is going to break your friendship with Alix. She said those things at the wedding because she loves you and cares about you. She wanted you to be sure. That’s what good friends do. I’m not going to pretend it didn’t upset me at the time. I’m human. Also, I was a little afraid she might be right.”

She was appalled. “Why would you have thought that?”

“She tapped into my own fears.” He paused. “I’d never met anyone like you. You were amazing. Fun. Vibrant. I don’t know… I find it hard to put into words. You had everything. Your home life was normal, unlike mine, which was a mess. You had a great job. I wasn’t sure what I could give you that you didn’t already have. She made me wonder if I could be what you needed me to be.”

“I needed you to be you, that’s all. You gave me a different life. The opportunity to be a different person. I was trapped in a cycle of trying to be perfect, trying to organize every aspect of my life. I didn’t even question how I got there until recently.” She’d told him about her conversation with Robyn and what she’d learned about her mother. And she actually felt a little guilty telling him before she’d told Alix, but it had felt like the right thing to do. Robyn was family. And hearing the whole story had enabled her to make sense of many things. She’d decided Seb needed to hear it, too.

He kissed her. “So now we move on. And you and Alix move on.”

“It’s not that simple. Yes, I told her how I felt, but she also told me how she felt. She told me how scared she was that she was going to lose me,” she said, and her voice wobbled, “that our friendship would change. That there would be no place in our lives for her. And I didn’t know she was feeling that way. How could I not know? I’ve been selfish, and—”

“Stop.” He tugged her back into his arms. “You’re not a mind reader, Christy.”

“But I should have seen that. Particularly as you felt it, too. You said you found it hard to figure out the relationship because Alix was so important to me.”

“All of us should have been more open, including me. We’re not perfect, but the two of you have this great friendship, and you’re going to figure it out.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because Alix loves you, and you love her back.” He smoothed her hair away from her face. “And I love her, too. She’s a good person, Christy. And a loyal friend to you, but also to our whole family.”

Her heart seemed to grow with every word he spoke. “I know.”

“Also, she gives us the best toys.”

Christy gave a choked laugh. “That, too. What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?”

“I happen to know she does.” His gaze fixed on something over her shoulder, and Christy turned her head and saw Alix standing in the doorway. Her coat was zipped, and her hood was pulled up over her head. She hovered, as if unsure of her welcome.

Christy felt a rush of relief and then thought that might be premature. She didn’t know what Alix was here to say. She felt sick with nerves, but at least she’d have a chance to apologize.

Seb kissed her gently. “I’m going to find Robyn and Holly and build another snowman with our daughter. You two take some time together.”

He grabbed his coat and paused next to Alix. “Good to see you, Alix. And, for the record, I’m glad you’re spending Christmas with us.” Ignoring her surprised look, he gave her a quick brotherly hug and left them to it.

Alix watched him go. “What was that about?”

“He’s glad you’re here. I—I’m glad you’re here. I was afraid you’d never want to speak to me again.”

“I had to speak to you.” Alix was casual. “I needed to check you remembered to pack my stocking. The one your mother made me, with my name on it.”

Christy swallowed. “I have it. It’s over there by the fire.”

“Always good to put it out early. In case Santa gets ahead of himself. I’m still not sure how Santa knows we’re not in your house, but he seems to show up wherever you are so…” Alix pushed her hood down. Her hand shook. “I wanted to make sure you remember to put mine out with the others.”

It was obvious that Alix was as nervous as she was.

Overwhelmed with relief that she was here, reaching out, Christy sprinted across the room.

She enveloped Alix in a hug, and that hug said everything. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the things I said. And I’m sorry for the things I didn’t say when I should have. I’m sorry for not understanding. I messed up horribly. I’ve been a terrible friend.”

“Hush.” Alix hugged her back. “I’m sorry, too.”

“But it didn’t occur to me that you were feeling pushed out. I was so self-focused—”

“You had a lot going on, what with being pregnant and getting married.”

“Our friendship has always been easy and natural. I suppose I didn’t really think about it.”

“I know.”

They held each other, clung, and Christy thought about all the times they’d done this. All the times they’d been there for each other. When Alix had been confused and lost about her parents, Christy had pulled her into her own family. When Elizabeth had died, Alix had taken a week of unpaid leave so that she could be with Christy. Their friendship had been a piece of solid ground in a shaky world. A blanket when life turned cold. And she knew that even when it was torn and threadbare, that blanket would still be there.

Alix was the first to speak. “You’re not crying, are you? Don’t get all mushy on me. You know I’m not good with mushy. I’d rather drink a green smoothie.”

Christy sniffed. “You hate green smoothies.”

“My point exactly.”

“You’re crying, too.”

“No way. I never cry.”

“I’ve seen you cry.” The banter felt comfortable and familiar. “I was worried you wouldn’t forgive me for the way I spoke to you.”

“I was worried you wouldn’t forgive me for ruining your dream wedding.”

“You didn’t ruin anything.” Christy finally pulled away. “I don’t know why I said that, because it isn’t true. My wedding was a happy day. Yes, your words upset me, and I should have been honest about that right from the beginning. You were brave enough to ask me if it was a problem, and I should have been brave enough to give you an honest answer. Because I didn’t, it grew in my head. But that’s my fault, and believe me, I’m never letting it happen again. I really am sorry.”

“Does—” Alix still seemed unsure. “Does Seb think I ruined his day?”

“No, far from it. He thinks it was wrong of me to say that. He thinks I messed up, which I definitely did. Although for some reason Seb seems to be heartened by the fact I can get something so wrong. As if that’s really such a rare thing.” Her head was still reeling from that admission. “Am I really that difficult to be around?”

“No, of course not. Well, maybe a little, sometimes. You create this perfect life image, which can be difficult for people around you to match.”

“My life is so far from perfect.”

“Well, good,” Alix said with a tentative smile, “because if it was, I’d have to poke you in the eye.”

It was a relief, such a relief, to have it all out in the open.

“I thought, maybe, you wouldn’t forgive me for being selfish.”

“I thought you wouldn’t forgive me for those things I said.” Alix tugged off her hat, and her hair slid dark and shiny over her shoulders. “I thought… I really thought that maybe you didn’t need me anymore.”

Christy’s chest felt tight. She was used to Alix hiding vulnerability. “I’ll always need you. No matter what you may have thought, what you think now, I’ll always need you. Marrying Seb, having Holly—if I have ten kids—I’m always going to need you.”

“Just so we’re clear, I’m not taking ten kids to Lapland, no matter how strong our friendship.”

“But we’ve never talked about that, have we?”

“Taking ten kids to Lapland?”

“No, our friendship. We talked about everything when we were growing up, but we never talked about the possibility that things might change. I never thought about it.”

“I didn’t think about it, either.” Alix shrugged. “Our friendship wasn’t something we ever had to think about. It just…was. And then you met Seb. I was used to being the most important person in your life, and suddenly I wasn’t anymore. I wasn’t going to be the first person you messaged when you had good news or the person you called when you were upset. That day was a new beginning for you, but it felt like an ending to me. And it came as a shock. I never expected to feel that way.”

Christy felt a pressure in her chest again. “I had no idea you felt that way. To me, you’re family. You always will be. I assumed you knew that.” But how could she not have seen it from Alix’s point of view? “I was naive. I assumed we’d carry on as we always had. That our friendship would fit round life, as it always had.”

“I cried for a month after you got married, and then I pulled myself together and told myself it would be fine and nothing would change.”

“You cried?”

“It had been the two of us for so long, and learning to share you wasn’t easy. Do you know how many messages I deleted before sending? There were so many things I wanted to share with you, ask you, but I didn’t want to intrude.” She pulled a face. “And then that night when you called me, I knew something was wrong, and the fact that you didn’t share it…well, it hurt me. And I was scared for you. Not knowing the details was worse, of course, because I filled in the blanks with my own guesses, and they were way off the mark. You’re right, I thought it was about Seb, and I was wrong to think that.”

“Perhaps I should have told you he lost his job, but he was feeling insecure, and I was nervous that you would judge him.” She could see now how she’d been equally to blame for the tension between her and Alix.

“And that’s on me, for making you feel that way. And you were right not to tell me. You were right to respect his privacy. He should be able to tell you things without feeling that he would be sharing them with me, too. That’s how it should be.” She paused. “He’s a good man, Christy.”

“Yes. And I badly want him to get this job because his confidence needs a boost, but it’s not looking hopeful. If it was good news, we probably would have heard by now.”

“Not necessarily.” Alix unzipped her coat and removed it. “Things are always slower at Christmas.”

And even though Christy felt there probably wasn’t much hope for that particular job, she was still grateful for the optimism. “I guess what happens happens. And yes, I’m scared. I like knowing what’s going to happen. I like having a plan. I’m working on that.”

“Plans are only ever in our heads.” Alix strolled across to the tree. “Life generally has its own plan.”

“That’s what Seb said when he threw away my notebook.”

“He did that? Good for him.”

It felt good to be talking again.

“Do you want something to drink? How do you feel about hot chocolate?”

“Generally positive, providing it comes with whipped cream and marshmallows. Why?”

“I was thinking we could sit by the tree in our socks, like we used to, and you could squash the presents to guess what’s in them.”

Alix grinned. “You hate it when I do that. You always say you don’t want to know.”

“But it’s tradition. And this time I do know. I wrapped them.”

They wandered to the kitchen area, and Alix found the mugs while Christy pulled milk from the fridge. And somehow, in that simple, familiar task, they slipped back into the comfortable old place of their friendship. “This place is romantic, isn’t it?”

“Yes, although less romantic with a four-year-old running around.” Christy heated the milk. “Having those few days alone together was great, although I missed Holly, of course.”

Alix put the mugs on the counter. “I’m sure you were worried about her.”

“I wasn’t worried. She was with you. And no matter what you may think of yourself, I knew she’d be safe. It was more that I was sad to be missing some firsts with her.” She found the chocolate and spooned it into the mugs. “I was more worried about you being forced to spend all that time with Zac.”

“Another spoonful of chocolate, please.” Alix grabbed the spoon and did it herself.

How many hints did Christy have to drop? “Was it terrible?”

“Was what terrible?” Alix stirred the chocolate until she was satisfied.

“Being with Zac.”

“We were entirely focused on keeping Holly alive. It’s a full-time job.” Alix licked the spoon. “I don’t know how you do it. And I had Zac and Robyn as back up. Robyn is great.”

“Yes, she is.” Was Alix intentionally steering the conversation away from Zac? And if she was, that had to be a good sign, didn’t it? “We had a long talk.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.

“I do want to. Yesterday I was still getting my head around it all.” Christy added whipped cream and marshmallows to their chocolate and summarized everything Robyn had told her.

“Well.” Alix picked up a spoon. “I’m glad it wasn’t murder.”

“Me, too. And although I understand why my mother was wary, it breaks my heart, the thought of them losing each other like that. It seems like such a waste.”

“But you’ve found each other. In the end it has worked out.”

“I wish my mother hadn’t been so…rigid.”

“She was a good person, Christy. A truly good person. Maybe she wasn’t perfect, but she loved you, and that’s everything—” Alix shrugged “—or almost everything.”

“I know.” She felt a pang. “I still miss her every day.”

“Me, too.” Alix gave her a hug and then scooped up her mug. “Let’s sit by the tree. She would approve.”

Christy picked up her mug, and they wandered across to the tree.

Alix settled herself on the rug and sat cross-legged. “Remember when we used to do this at your house?”

Christy sat next to her. “We used to sneak down after my mother was asleep.” She sipped her chocolate. “I always loved spending Christmas with you. Still do. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Are you? I was wondering about that. I’ve been taking a long, hard look at myself. Not always a comfortable thing to do, I can tell you.” Alix poked at the whipped cream with a spoon. “You have your own family now. I shouldn’t still be hanging around at Christmas.”

“We love you hanging around. This is already our best Christmas ever.” Christy stared out at the snow falling past the window and then at the glowing lights on the tree. “Are you having a good time?”

“The best.”

Was that it? Was that all she was going to say?

Christy tried again. “I’m sorry you ended up sharing a cabin with Zac. I didn’t know that would happen. How have you been getting on?” Christy kept her tone casual and was surprised when Alix’s shoulders drooped.

“Awful.”

“Oh no.” That wasn’t what she’d expected to hear. “How? In what way? Did you have a fight?”

“No. We don’t speak.”

“You…don’t speak? Not at all?”

“We leave notes for each other and try never to be in the cabin at the same time. It works pretty well.”

Christy stared at her, appalled, and then saw a gleam in Alix’s eyes. “Oh you—you’re teasing me!”

“Possibly.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because seeing you trying to hold back is entertaining. I had a bet going with myself on how long you’d last before asking me a direct question.” Alix grinned. “Holly told you, didn’t she? I knew she would. She can’t keep a secret. It bursts out of her. I tell you, she’s going to end up being a real gossip.”

If that was true then she’d fit well into village life, Christy thought. She’d be joining the book group and making vegetarian quiche. “She told me you kissed.”

“Obviously we didn’t expect her to walk into the room at that precise moment. How on earth do you and Seb—” Alix waved a hand. “On second thought, never mind.” She uncrossed her legs and stretched out her toes toward the tree. “You’re probably questioning the quality of our babysitting, but it was just a kiss, I promise.

“I knew the two of you would be good together. I’m surprised it took you five years.”

Alix wigged her toes. “It didn’t.”

“Wait—what?” Christy sat upright. “You’ve kissed him before? When—” And suddenly she knew. It all made sense. “It was the day before the wedding, wasn’t it? I knew there was something, but I assumed you’d had a fight because you weren’t speaking and—”

“It wasn’t a fight. I was upset. He listened. He’s a good listener.” Alix finished her chocolate, unsympathetic to the fact that Christy was impatient to hear all the details.

“But he did more than listen. He did more than kiss you.”

Alix put her mug on the floor. “Yes.”

“How much more?”

“Quite a lot more.”

“Alix!” Christy abandoned her chocolate, too excited to finish it. “So why did you spend the next five years avoiding him? Oh…” Why hadn’t she thought of it before? “Because you seriously liked him. I knew it! It never made sense to me that the two of you didn’t get on together. So what happened this time?”

“Try asking Holly.” Alix’s tone was dry. “She seems to know everything that’s going on around here.”

“You’ve spent more time with him than with any man in your relationship history, so that tells me something.”

“It tells you we’re stuck here in Lapland. It’s not as if I can leave, even if I want to.”

“You seem…happy.”

“I’m in Lapland. How can I not be happy?”

“You’re happy because of Zac.”

“Oh please. Rein in your romantic self. Not everything in life has to be heart-shaped. This is me we’re talking about.”

Which made it all the more exciting. “So what happens next?”

“Nothing happens next.”

Christy felt the beginnings of exasperation. “Alix, you cannot let this go without at least exploring the possibilities. It might turn into something.”

“Yes. It might turn into something stressful. For everyone. You know me. I’m not exactly a cottage-in-the-country type.”

“I’m not sure I am, either.”

Alix looked at her. “You don’t like the cottage?”

“I don’t know. Don’t change the subject. We were talking about you.”

“Nothing more to say about that. I’m a lost cause. But the whole cottage-in-the-country thing was your dream.” Alix moved closer. “Tell me.”

That was what they’d always said as children when one of them had a problem.

Tell me.

And because she could see Alix didn’t want to talk about Zac, she did just that. She told Alix about the leaks, and the nonstop problems, and how she felt like an outsider even though she’d bought a property there.

“I didn’t turn up to book group. Worse, I canceled by text.” She could imagine Alison’s reaction. “I’ll probably arrive home to find a barrier outside the cottage. Why are you smiling?”

“Because this is so you.”

“So me?”

“You don’t really want to go to book group at all, do you?”

“I… No, not really. I was sort of sucked into it, and now I can’t extract myself.”

“And all those other things you’ve been sucked into since you arrived—how many of them do you enjoy?”

Christy thought about it. “I met a couple of friendly people in the local parent-child hiking group. And Holly had fun, too. But I couldn’t go as often as I wanted to because I didn’t have the time. It takes a whole morning. And then they go for lunch, which was great, actually, but—”

“Christy, stop! Can’t you see? If you stop reading books you don’t want to read and making quiche for people who make you feel inferior, you’d have time to do more hiking. Time to go for lunch. Or anything else that happens to bring you joy.” Alix squeezed her hand. “If you were able to stand up and tell me what you were really thinking, then you can stand up and say no to book group. And all the other groups you are only doing because you didn’t have the courage to say no. You make lists, but you’re not controlling your time. You’re not deciding what you want to do. You say you can’t extract yourself, but you can.”

Christy thought about telling Alison she wouldn’t be attending in future. “I don’t know…”

“I’m going to paint two scenarios here. Work with me.” Alix settled herself cross-legged again and held up one finger. “Scenario one, you decide you can’t put yourself through the stress of some straight talking with the scary book group woman—name?”

“Alison.”

“Scary Alison. Right. You don’t want to tell her in a calm, adult fashion that it’s not for you because that would be too awkward, and anyway, what are you going to say to her when you clash heads with her over a basket of oranges in the village shop, right?”

“Right.”

“Scenario two,” Alix said and held up a second finger, “you decide that this is your life and your time and that the only person who gets to choose how you spend it is you. You talk to Scary Alison, and yes, that’s stressful because you’re you, but it passes, you get over it, and then you have all this time to do something you do enjoy. Something you look forward to.”

“And when I do finally meet Alison by the oranges? Because that’s going to happen, obviously.”

“You say, Hey, Alison, good to see you. Don’t these oranges look delicious?”

“She’ll probably pelt me with citrus fruit.”

“Or maybe she’ll respect you. And if she doesn’t, that’s her problem. But you now get to start doing the things you want to do. You moved to the country because you pictured a certain life.”

“It’s not how I thought it would be.”

“Life so rarely is.” Alix leaned across and rescued a decoration that was hovering precariously close to the end of a branch. “Maybe you should forget expectations for a while and just live there. Start doing the things that you want to do. And if after a while you still think it’s not for you, then—” she shrugged “—move back to London. Or wherever.”

“But this was my dream. I can’t even bear to think it might have been a mistake.”

“Whatever happens, it wasn’t a mistake.” Alix eased the decoration farther onto the branch. “You make such a big deal out of everything. Dreams can change. Sometimes you manage to live your dream, and it doesn’t feel the way you thought it would. So what? It doesn’t have to be a big drama. Move on. If it turns out you don’t like living in the country, then that’s what you’ve learned. You move. You shrug. You have great stories to tell friends about the time the ceiling fell down when you and Seb were having sex—”

“I shouldn’t have told you that.”

“Of course you should. Friends can have secrets from each other, but no true friend would keep a story like that to herself.” Alix rocked with laughter and then pulled herself together. “But back to the dream issue. Let’s say for a moment that it turns out the country isn’t your dream after all. Are you really going to live in the country for the rest of your life because you’re too afraid to admit that actually you prefer the city?”

“When you put it like that…”

“Exactly.”

“Dreams are never a mistake. Dreams are hope. Dreams give us a reason to get up in the morning. Dreams are optimism. They’re what keep us going when things feel impossibly tough. And you can always change the dream.”

Christy stirred. “What about you?” Did she dare ask the question? And would Alix give her an honest answer? “Has your dream changed?”

“Of course. My dream when I was ten was to have an electric train set. Remember that? But if there’s a train set in my stocking on Christmas Day, you’re fired as Top Friend.” Alix picked strands of tinsel from her sweater.

“You’re avoiding my question. You tell me I’m missing out on life because I’m afraid to say what I want and make the choices I want to make, but you’re not doing any better.”

“What do you mean?”

“You used to dream about having a great career in a job you loved that allows you to travel. An apartment in London. You’ve got all that.”

“I have.” Alix stood up, suddenly restless. “Life is exactly the way I want it.”

“Because you’re playing it safe. Because the alternative means doing something that makes you feel as nervous and uncomfortable as I feel at the idea of bumping into Scary Alison in the village shop. You are letting fear decide.”

“I assume we’re back to the subject of Zac again.”

“You like him, don’t you?”

Alix leaned in and sniffed the Christmas tree. “Don’t you love the way it smells?”

“Alix!”

“Okay! Yes, I like him. He’s…good company. He has great taste in wine, and he’s remarkably skilled at driving on ice.”

“So see him again. Go on a date. Try it. If it doesn’t work out, you can move on. Why are you scared?”

Alix sat back down. “Because I’m no good at relationships. You know that.”

“I don’t know that. There is no evidence to support that statement.”

“There’s plenty of evidence.” Alix picked up a parcel from under the tree and shook it gently. “Jigsaw?”

Christy took the parcel from her and put it back under the tree. “What evidence?”

“I made a mess of our friendship, for a start. The most important relationship in my little world, and I damaged it.”

“But that’s the point, you didn’t.”

“Christy—”

“No, listen to me. We can have misunderstandings, we can get angry, we can get things wrong, and our friendship is probably going to keep changing, but the one thing that is never going to change is how much we care about each other. That’s the glue.”

“I hurt you.”

“And I hurt you right back. And it’s horrid, and we both feel terrible, but we’re going to move past that. And maybe we understand each other a little better because of it. The most important thing is that we’re still here and still talking.” She wished her mother had done that with Robyn. “You absolutely can sustain a relationship, so that’s not a valid excuse not to pursue this thing with Zac. You’ve lost that excuse.”

Alix frowned, as if that thought hadn’t occurred to her. Then she shrugged. “There is no thing with Zac. You put us in the same cabin. We had some between-the-sheets action. We’re both single, consenting adults, so why not?”

Christy wondered how you could love someone but still want to wring their neck. “Just…give it a chance, Alix. Promise me you’ll give it a chance.”

“Maybe. So, are we good? You and I?”

Christy felt the warmth spread from her toes to her heart. “Why? You worried Santa won’t come if you’re not good?”

Alix laughed. “Santa always comes. I hang my stocking up, and next morning it’s filled.”

Christy thought about her mother and felt a pang. “That’s what he does. Did you write him a letter?”

“No. I expect him to be a mind reader like he has been every other year.”

“Maybe he will deliver Zac.”

Alix picked up another parcel and shook it. “It rattles. Did it rattle before I shook it? Maybe I’m the one that made it rattle.”

“You’re like a toddler.” Christy took it from her and put it back carefully. She’d let it lie for now, she decided. Let her friend see for herself that she hadn’t damaged anything. That she couldn’t use that as an excuse to run from yet another relationship. She’d give it time to sink in. “You shaking presents is a tradition. And talking of tradition, Robyn and Erik have invited us all to the lodge for Christmas Eve. Apparently, that’s their big celebration. Erik’s family will be there, too. Robyn is making a big Christmas buffet. Holly and I are going to help her with some cooking later. What are you doing for the rest of the day?”

“I promised to play with Holly. Then tomorrow Zac and I have a late-night dogsledding trip to see the aurora.”

“That will be romantic,” Christy said, and Alix shook her head.

“It’s a dogsled ride. To see the northern lights. In temperatures that I have never previously exposed my body to. What’s romantic about that?”

The intimacy of a sled. Cuddling. Sharing an unforgettable view of the northern lights with a friend.

Christy decided her friend wasn’t ready to hear a list. She wanted to interfere and realized that was the way Alix had probably felt about her marrying Seb.

They’d both done enough interfering, she decided. In the end a person had to make their own decisions.

What happened next was up to Alix and Zac.