19

Alix

Why was everyone obsessed with romance? What was so great about it, anyway? There was a reason she’d avoided it all these years.

Alix stewed on the topic as she trudged toward the lodge the following morning. They were all going dogsledding, which should have made it a perfect Christmas Eve. This was usually her favorite day because Christmas was still to come. Usually she was full of bounce and excitement, particularly when she was around Holly, but today her emotions were focused in a different direction. Which basically meant she’d let a man ruin her Christmas Eve.

The night before, Zac had slept on the sofa. And she had no idea why. She’d thought about asking, but then realized that the answer was right there in front of her. There was only one reason to sleep on someone’s sofa when you’d shared the bed the night before, and that was because you weren’t interested.

So she hadn’t asked. No point in having it thrown in her face like a snowball.

Presumably he’d had second thoughts about getting involved with her, and that was totally fine with her. She’d fixed her problems with Christy. That was the only relationship that mattered. She’d probably had a narrow escape.

She knew that, which made it all the more annoying that the whole thing gnawed at her brain and refused to let go.

Why had Zac said all those things to her if he didn’t mean them? He’d pressed her to fix things with Christy. He’d thought it would disprove her theory that she was no good at relationships, perhaps because it might make her more amenable to taking a risk with him. And she’d thought about doing that.

After her conversation with Christy she’d walked back to her own cabin, planning what she was going to say. She’d walked around the cabin twice, getting colder and colder as she’d tried to dissect and understand her own feelings. Fear, that was her problem. But she hadn’t ruined her friendship with Christy. She wasn’t bad at relationships. She had no reason to back away from Zac.

The cabin had been lit up, glowing and cozy, and she’d seen Zac inside. He’d been studying a map, presumably figuring out exactly where they were going on their nighttime trip to see the aurora.

Her heart had kicked against her ribs. She’d felt a little weird. Strange. And then she recognized the feeling as excitement. She was excited about seeing him. Excited about the night ahead. And yes, maybe the night after that.

For the first time in her life she’d thought that yes, she wanted to try this. It had taken a few more circuits of the cabin for her to pluck up the courage to go inside and make that announcement.

She’d rehearsed a few times, had the words all planned, but they’d dissolved in her head as soon as she’d seen him making up the bed on the sofa. He’d smiled at her, as if this was perfectly normal.

I thought I’d sleep here tonight.

She’d stood without moving, none of the words in her head any use to her now. She’d come so close to voicing her feelings, and she would have been setting herself up for rejection. She’d read all the signs wrong. The new tender shoots of confidence that had emerged after her conversation with Christy withered and died.

She felt weak at the thought of all the things she’d almost said. What a fool she’d almost made of herself! What if she hadn’t done those circuits of the cabin? She might have gone indoors sooner, before he’d made up the sofa. She might have told him how she felt and then had to listen to him telling her he didn’t feel the same way. She was an expert at rejection. It really shouldn’t bother her. But this time it did. Because she liked him. Damn it, she liked him a lot, and that was his fault because he’d sneaked under her defenses, melted her icy heart and generally turned her into a puddle of her former self. He’d made her vulnerable, and she didn’t know how to handle it.

Normally, she would have walked away long before this point. She didn’t give the other person time to reject her, because she rejected them first.

Fortunately, she had years of experience of hiding her feelings, and she’d managed not to make a fool of herself.

Zac had been civil, and she’d been civil back, which had taken a lot of effort on her part because she felt hurt, angry and confused. Relationships were a language, she decided. And she didn’t speak it. She felt as bruised as she’d been after her fall on the ice, only this time all the damage was on the inside.

And now they were going to see the aurora together, and if one more person told her it was going to be romantic she’d wish frostbite on them.

She felt a dragging depression. Could she cancel their evening trip? No, that would lead to questions, and she didn’t want to talk to anyone.

She’d get through it, she told herself. Seeing the aurora didn’t have to be romantic, did it? People traveled here purely to see the northern lights. It was a bucket-list activity. One of the top tourist attractions of the Arctic Circle. There was nothing that said it was only open to people who were prepared to be soppy with each other.

She was a tourist, doing touristy things. And yes, he’d ruined her Christmas Eve, but there would be more in the future for her to enjoy.

Her moment of contemplation was interrupted by the howling of dogs, and she emerged through the trees to see a crazy amount of activity in front of the lodge.

“Alix!” Robyn waved her over. “This is Erik’s cousin, Astrid. Her family owns the dogsledding business that we use for our guests. Usually, we take the guests to her, but today she has bought the dogs to us so that we can give Holly a little taster ride.”

Alix’s mood lifted. It was chaos, and chaos was good. It reduced the chance of awkward intimate encounters with Zac.

He was standing to one side with Seb, who was zipping Holly into what looked like a onesie.

“Thermal,” Christy said, appearing by her side. “We don’t want her getting cold. Of course, I’m totally freezing, but don’t anyone worry about that. How was your night?”

Alix ignored the meaningful look and deliberately chose to misunderstand. “Satisfying. Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep does that for me. What’s the plan here?”

“Robyn is going to drive the bigger sled so that Seb and I can be with Holly.”

Alix glanced at the other sled. “But—”

“This is for you and Zac.” Astrid beamed at her. “It’s a two-person. We thought you’d like a chance to try it out by yourselves. Tonight will be different. Erik will be your musher, and you’ll be able to enjoy the trip. It’s going to be romantic.”

That was fast turning out to be her least favorite word.

Still, at least Zac was too far away to overhear.

“You actually want me to drive this thing?” Alix moved closer to the sled, while the dog teams howled and yipped around her in a chorus of anticipation. When Robyn told them she’d arranged a dogsled ride through the forest, Alix hadn’t expected to be driving the team herself. She’d imagined sitting in the sled, letting someone else do the work while she enjoyed the scenery. It wouldn’t be romantic at all, she thought. The way she felt at the moment she was probably going to kill him and throw his body into the forest. “When you mentioned taking Holly on a short sled ride, I assumed I’d be a passenger and someone else would be in charge of the tough stuff. What if the dogs run away?”

“That’s the point.” Robyn harnessed the dogs to the sled. “This will only be a short trip. We don’t normally recommend it for children of Holly’s age, but she loves the dogs, and it’s a special thing to do. We need to make sure she doesn’t get cold.”

“I’m not cold.” Holly was bundled up in arctic gear borrowed from Erik’s sister. The warm, insulated clothing hampered movement, but still Holly managed to make everyone nervous with her ability to find danger.

“Sit down while we get organized.” Christy tried to grab her daughter as she tripped over the harness.

“I’ve got her.” Seb took her hand, and they went to make a fuss over the lead dogs.

“I’m using the bigger sled for Christy and Seb so it can be a family trip,” Robyn said, “but I thought it would be fun for you to give it a try. Although Zac already knows what he’s doing, of course.”

Christy caught Alix’s eye and gave her a wicked smile.

“A celestial display,” she murmured. “You are basically going to see stars with that man.”

Alix bared her teeth. It was the closest approximation to a smile that she could produce, given the misery she was feeling.

There was more than one way to see stars, she thought. A bonk on the head could achieve the same effect.

She could be honest with Christy, but that would mean talking about it, and she couldn’t bear to talk about it.

Robyn finished the preparation while around them the dogs barked for attention, excited and impatient. “Don’t worry about the noise. They rarely bark when they’re running. All right! Let’s do this. Holly, you need to sit with your daddy, and do not leap out while we’re moving.”

“I want to steer them.” Holly, fearless as ever, refused to sit still in the sled until Seb scooped her up and tucked her inside the waterproof sled cover that added an extra layer of protection.

“Don’t let her steer. We’ll end up in Russia,” Christy said as she climbed in with them, looking at her daughter with a mixture of exasperation and amusement. “Are you holding on to her, Seb?”

“I’m holding on to her.”

Zac approached Alix and gave a brief smile. “It’s a relief not to have responsibility for her on this particular trip, don’t you think?” He was unusually formal, as if they’d recently met, and she assumed he was finding the whole thing awkward, too.

“Definitely one for Christy and Seb.”

Not wanting to prolong the agony for either of them, she was grateful that Robyn chose that moment to give her a swift lesson.

Robyn demonstrated, and Alix learned to apply her weight to the brake runners and then shift it to allow the sled to move.

“You control the dogs with verbal commands. Although, if I’m honest, they tend to just go the moment you release the brake.”

Great.

Alix adjusted her gloves. “Verbal commands. Got it. Do they understand help, help? Because I have a feeling I’m going to be using that one a lot.”

Zac laughed. “Shall I go first? We can switch on the way back.”

“No, thanks. I can do this.” And hopefully focusing on not killing them would take her mind off her other feelings.

“Whatever you do, don’t step off the brakes until you’re ready to go because if you do, they’ll leave you behind. It’s happened to most of us at one time or another.” Robyn gave her a few more last-minute instructions and then lifted the snow anchor. The dogs sped forward along the snowy trail, pulling hard as the sled shot through the snow.

Alix felt a flash of panic. She hadn’t expected them to move so fast. She couldn’t remember any of the instructions. They were all going to die. And then she realized two things. First, that the dogs seemed to know what they were doing, and second, that she could in fact remember the instructions and was doing fine. Better than fine. This was fun!

The air was freezing. Her cheeks stung, but she couldn’t remember ever feeling more exhilarated in her life. Or maybe the dogs’ excitement and enthusiasm was contagious as they ran fast along the trail, their cute, furry behinds wiggling. All the stress and hurt she’d been grappling with disappeared, and she resisted the temptation to give a loud whoop, in case that turned out to be a verbal command she hadn’t yet been taught.

The trail wound through the forest, the snow so thick on the trees that they bent and bowed under the weight of it, their branches transformed into mysterious shapes.

Robyn had been right, she discovered: the dogs didn’t howl when they were running. The only sound was the swish of the sled as it traveled over the snow and the rhythmic panting.

They reached a cabin in a clearing, where Erik was waiting with hot drinks and food.

After making sure the dogs were comfortable, they sheltered from the cold in the cabin and ate suovas, reindeer meat that was dry-salted and smoked and served in flat-breads with a dollop of lingonberries.

They all pronounced it delicious, apart from Holly, who was going through a picky phase.

Christy sat next to Alix, both of them enjoying the heat from the stove. “I’m envious of your trip tonight. It’s going to be perfect.”

Seb stood up at that moment to take a look at the dogs and the scenery, and Alix shot to her feet and followed him, unable to take another conversation about the romance of the planned evening.

It wasn’t only about avoiding Zac and Christy, she told herself. This was a conversation she needed to have.

Seb was crouched down in the snow, giving attention to one of the dogs, but he turned when he heard her approach.

“Hey there. Having fun?”

“Yes.” She knelt down on the snow next to him and rubbed her gloved hands through the dog’s fur. She didn’t really know what she was going to say, but she wanted to make things right with Seb.

“Something on your mind?” Seb stood up. “You and Christy are good, yes? She was happy last night. More relaxed than she’s been in ages.”

“Yes, we’re good. We had a good conversation.” Alix stood up, too. “Long overdue. And there’s something else that’s overdue. My apology to you. I’m sorry about the things I said that day.”

“Forget it, Alix. You did it for her. I understand that. You thought you were helping her.”

“That’s true. But I also did it for me. I was scared. Unsettled. It was a whole new world for me. I’d never had to share Christy before. I was…” She clasped her hands in front of her. It was bitterly cold. Maybe she should have had this conversation indoors. “I was jealous of you.” It made her feel ugly saying the words, but he gave a faint smile.

“You were jealous? How do you think I felt?”

“You were jealous, too? Of me? I assumed you thought I was an interfering—”

“I thought you were great. Funny. Smart. Loyal. And I envied the relationship you had with Christy. It was effortless and deep, and you knew everything about her. And you intimidated me.”

“I’m…intimidating?”

He smiled. “You were the dragon at the gate. Her mother didn’t approve of me, and that wasn’t easy to deal with, but you—you were something else altogether.”

“I didn’t mean to be scary.”

“Yes, you did, and that was fine. If I was frightened off that easily, what would that have said about me? But I was intimidated, that’s true. You and Christy were so close. You seemed to read each other’s minds. You barely needed to communicate. I’d never had anyone in my life that I was as close to as you two were to each other. The type of loyalty you two showed to each other, I’d never seen that before. And you didn’t like me.”

Alix felt her cheeks heat. “That isn’t true. I did like you—but I wasn’t sure about you. You were different from the guys Christy had been dating. I wasn’t sure you were what she needed. I was afraid you would screw it up.”

Seb leaned down and rubbed the dog behind the ears. “I was afraid of that, too.”

“Really?”

“Oh yes.” He rubbed his hand through the dog’s fur. “I was so in love with Christy. I know you doubted that, but it was true. I thought she was incredible. She was everything I wanted. But, like you, I worried I couldn’t be what she needed me to be. You had doubts, but so did I. I’d never been in a relationship like that before. I was absorbing it, getting used to it, when we found out she was pregnant. You thought she was making a mistake marrying me because I would let her down—”

“Seb—”

“No, let me finish. You thought that, and I didn’t blame you for thinking it. You tapped into all my worst fears. What if I did let her down? What if I didn’t have what it took?”

“But you did have it.”

“I could never quite believe that I’d got so lucky. I was always a little wary of my own good fortune. I kept thinking I was going to wake up one day and find I’d messed it up and it had all gone. And then I lost my job.”

“And I didn’t know that. She didn’t tell me.”

He gave her a curious look. “You didn’t know about the job? Why did you think we delayed coming to Lapland?”

Alix shook her head. “She told me you had a meeting.”

“That was it?” He seemed bemused by the revelation. “Do you think she was embarrassed?”

“No, I don’t.” She put her hand on his arm. “I think she was protecting your privacy. Trying to ease the pressure. It turns out there is plenty she doesn’t tell me, Seb.” She stood a little straighter. “And that’s how it should be. A person should share what they want to share and no more.”

“Yeah?” His eyes gleamed. “Because I can tell you she’s mad as hell that you didn’t tell her you kissed Zac.”

She managed to laugh, even though Zac was a topic she would have preferred to avoid. “I need you to promise me something, Seb.”

“You want me to promise never to hurt your friend.”

“I know you would never do that. I want you to promise that if I’m ever in the way, or intruding, that you’ll tell me. I hope Christy would tell me, but we both know she’s a work in progress when it comes to honest communication about difficult subjects.”

“You’re not in the way, Alix.”

“But if I was—”

He put his arms round her and gave her a hug. “You’re family, Alix. Everyone should be so lucky to have a friend like you.”

She felt pressure grow in her chest. Her throat thickened. “Damn you, Seb. You’re going to make me cry.”

“No. Not you. Not tough Alix.” He eased her away from him and raised his eyebrows. “Well, look at that. I did make you cry. Not a great idea out here in the freezing cold.”

“True.” She wiped her cheeks. “By the way, if you ever do hurt her, I will kill you.”

He laughed. “I know.”

“Not that I’m saying she’s easy to understand. She can be really complicated because she doesn’t always tell you what she’s really thinking. If you ever need to know anything, consider me a resource. I’m a user manual.”

“Right. Got it.”

“If you want gift ideas, call me. She loves imaginative gifts, not expensive. Thoughtful.”

“I know.”

“Don’t ever be tempted to buy her lingerie or clothes of any type because she likes to pick things out herself. Even I don’t buy her clothes, and I’ve been borrowing stuff from her for decades.”

“I would never buy her clothes.”

“And if you’re arranging a surprise trip, make it to a stately home or something. A castle. A palace. Or a gallery. She loves galleries. Don’t ever take her on a roller coaster. She doesn’t have a strong stomach.” She gave him a look. “I’m speaking from experience.”

“I know she hates roller coasters.”

“Right. And red wine gives her a headache, which is why she prefers—”

“Alix,” he said to stop her, “I know this. I know her. Maybe not as well as you do, but I do know her.”

She thought about it. “Actually, you know her better than I do.” It was time to acknowledge it. “When she met you that night in the bar, I thought she was behaving like a different person, but that wasn’t true. You brought out the best side of Christy. You made her happy. And that’s the part I should have focused on. Not your past, or rumors, or my own insecurities. I should have focused on the way you were together. I thought she wasn’t herself when she was with you, but the truth was she was more herself than she’d ever been before. She’d molded herself into this person, and you helped her uncover who she was underneath all that planning and politeness.”

“I threw away her notebook. No more planning.”

“She’ll need therapy.”

“Do you think I should buy her a new one?”

“Why are you asking me?” Alix reached up and kissed him on the cheek. “You know her as well as I do, if not better. You don’t need my help.”

She felt truly comfortable with him, possibly for the first time. There was a new warmth between them.

“We’ll always need you, Alix.” He glanced over her shoulder and smiled. “Not least because you provide much-needed reinforcements. It’s takes four of us to keep Holly out of trouble.”

They harnessed the dogs to the sleds and rode back through the forest.

They ate lunch together in Christy and Seb’s cabin, and Alix played games with Holly, while Zac entertained her with stories of polar bears and Arctic exploration.

Alix was keen to limit time alone with Zac, so she offered to read to Holly while Seb and Christy went snowshoeing.

She arrived back at the cabin with barely any time to spare, which was a relief because it reduced the need for small talk.

Zac was already pulling on layers. “I was beginning to think you’d changed your mind.”

She looked away as he pulled a sweater over his head. “Why would I do that? I’ve been looking forward to this. The northern lights,” she added, in case there might be any doubt as to exactly what she was looking forward to. “Dreamed about it for a long time.” And it was going to be fine, she told herself. In fact, she couldn’t wait.

Her biggest challenge was right now, being trapped in this cozy, intimate place.

Was he feeling it, too?

He pulled on his jacket and then his boots. “Well, hopefully your dreams will come true tonight.”

“Yes.” Her heart ached. She’d never been one to dream about a man. Until now.

She dressed swiftly, accustomed now to the routine. Merino wool, layers, no cotton. And then the bulky suit that Robyn and Erik provided. The addition of a balaclava and helmet meant that no one could read her expression anyway, which reduced some of the pressure.

It would be fine. It was a trip. An exciting trip. There would be no taut atmosphere or awkwardness out there in the frozen forest.

This time there was a single sled and a larger team of dogs. They were already howling and yelping in anticipation of the trip.

Alix crouched down and greeted the two closest to her. “What I wouldn’t give for blue eyes like yours.” She stroked one of the dogs and was immediately nudged by the other. “Jealous?”

“They love the attention. This is Odin, and this is Thor. Thor is an Alaskan cross.” Erik squatted down next to her. “Alaskan huskies are lighter and faster than Siberians, although they tend not to have the strength and endurance. These two are the lead dogs. They steer the rest of the team and set the pace.”

Alix decided it would be nice to enjoy the ride without having to worry about doing something wrong and confusing the dogs or tipping the sled over.

They sat astride the sled with Erik as musher. Alix was in the front, with nothing between her and the snow-covered Arctic landscape. Behind her was Zac and then Robyn, who was prepared with extra camera equipment.

“Erik’s been hunched over his laptop most of today. He thinks we’re going to be lucky tonight.”

Alix glanced up. On Robyn’s advice, she’d tucked her phone inside her thermals to keep it warm. “Clear skies.”

“That’s an essential, but the northern lights are mostly dependent on solar activity. Erik is obsessed with it. He has even built a computer program to help him predict it. Still, that’s no guarantee that we’ll see anything.”

They raced through snowy forest of birch and pine, and Alix closed her eyes for a moment, enjoying the frozen silence. For a moment she forgot about Zac and what was going to happen next. There was only the panting of the dogs and the sound of their paws on the snow, the occasional rustle of a harness.

And then she opened her eyes and watched the dogs forging ahead, their bodies protected by thick fur and warm coats, their paws encased in little boots.

She lost track of time, mesmerized by the rhythm and the beauty of the landscape illuminated by the powerful head-lamp worn by Erik.

Eventually they stopped in a clearing, and Alix clambered off the sled.

“There’s a tent. I wasn’t expecting that.” But she was relieved to see it. It was bitterly cold.

“It’s a traditional Sami-style tepee. It’s called a lávvu. We’ll have a drink here and warm up,” Robyn said, “and then we’ll set up our cameras.”

Erik lit a fire, and they warmed themselves with hot drinks and snacks before venturing back out into the cold.

Here there was no light pollution, just clear skies, and when she looked up the skies started to shift. There was silver and then green, shimmering and sliding across the sky in a slow, sinuous dance.

She took photos until her fingers froze, taking Robyn’s advice on how to make the most of it, but then she decided to stop staring through a lens and simply enjoy nature’s show.

“It’s incredible.”

“It happens when solar particles come into contact with the earth’s magnetic field.”

“I prefer the legends and myths. Aurora was the Roman goddess of the dawn.” Robyn set up a tripod and adjusted her camera. “The Sami people believed the lights were the souls of the dead and should be treated with respect.”

Whatever it was, however it originated, Alix knew she’d never forget it. Emotion filled her as she watched filmy ribbons of blue and green dancing across the sky.

How could she have thought Christmas Eve was ruined? This was, without doubt, the best Christmas Eve of her life.

She wanted to do more of this, she thought. She wanted to travel. And explore. Maybe she’d even take a year off. Was that a wild thought? Was she serious? She lingered on the idea, testing it. Yes, maybe she was. You only had one life. Was she really living hers to the full? She thought about Robyn, traveling north, searching for something and finding it here.

“It’s special, isn’t it?” Zac came and stood next to her, and she nodded, too overwhelmed by nature’s light show to feel anything but awe. The touch of his hand on her shoulder told her that he understood.

“Unforgettable.”

“Merry Christmas, Alix.” He put his arm round her, and they stood together, watching the sky.

“Merry Christmas.” And it was. Although she was hurting, she knew she’d remember it as a happy time. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t want to take it further. She wasn’t going to hold that against him. And he should know that, shouldn’t he? They’d had a good time. Life was too short for awkward moments.

“It’s cold.” Robyn finally packed up her camera. “We should go. You enjoy the last few moments while Erik and I clear up.”

Alix waited until they’d moved away and then turned to Zac.

“I’ve had the best time. This whole week. All of it. It’s been so much fun. I regret nothing.” She hugged him, feeling awkward not only because of the bulky clothing but because she rarely opened herself up this way. “I don’t want you to feel bad about anything, or awkward. There are no rules to say emotions have to be involved. We’re both independent adults. It’s all cool.”

He took a step back. His face was half-hidden by insulating layers. “What are you saying? Your emotions aren’t involved?”

“I was talking about you. I wanted to say it’s fine that you don’t want to take it any further.”

“Who said I didn’t want to take it further? You know how I feel, Alix. I thought I’d made that clear.”

She was confused. “You slept on the sofa. I assumed—”

“That’s why you’ve been behaving weirdly?”

“You’re the one behaving weirdly.” She looked into his eyes and saw confusion and hurt. “One minute we’re creating enough electricity to power the whole of Scandinavia, and the next you’re on the sofa.”

“I did that for you.”

“For me?” She shook her head. “Yet more confirmation that I will never understand relationships. Why is it good for me for you to sleep on the sofa?”

“I was giving you space. I was being thoughtful. I knew you had doubts, and I didn’t want you to feel compelled to share a bed with me.”

“Well, damn…” She bit her lip. “How was I supposed to know all that?”

“I thought it was obvious.”

“When it comes to relationships, nothing is obvious to me. So you slept on the sofa because you thought you were doing me a favor.” Why would he have thought that? She dismissed the question. It was a relief to know he could get things wrong, too. That it wasn’t just her.

“It felt like the right thing to do, but I’m rethinking that now. You don’t normally spend the whole night with a man, and you’ve been trapped in a cabin with me for days.” He stamped his feet to keep warm. “It was supposed to be a gesture. I assumed you’d stop me doing it.”

Behind them the dogs yowled and yipped, but they were both too focused on each other to pay attention.

“I thought it was a message. I thought you were saying you weren’t interested.”

“I was waiting for you to make the decision. But you walked in and treated me like a fellow guest in a hotel, not someone you’d spent the whole of the previous night naked with.”

She turned her head, but Robyn and Erik were harnessing the dogs to the sled.

“I think we might have had a misunderstanding.” When she looked back at him, he was smiling.

“Seems that way.” He hauled her against him, ignoring the bulky clothing. “You scared me to death, Alix. I thought that was the end. I couldn’t bear it to be the end.”

She hugged him back, relieved, emotional and, most of all, hopeful.

“Alix, Zac.” Robyn’s voice traveled through the frozen air. “We should leave now before we all freeze.”

Zac kept his arms round her. “This conversation isn’t over.”

“No.” And only now did she realize how cold she was. “I’m freezing. Are you freezing?”

“I’m so cold I can’t feel any of the essential parts of me.” He let her go, and they trudged toward the sled.

This time he sat behind her, and she was conscious of the press of his legs against hers and the pressure of his arms round her body.

Despite the intense cold, her heart felt light, and she couldn’t stop smiling. He’d been giving her space. Trying to be thoughtful.

The ride was exhilarating, and she knew she’d never forget the sheer thrill of it. She felt humbled to be in this beautiful place, surrounded by the sheer beauty of the frozen forest.

But most of all, she knew she’d never forget this moment with Zac.

What would have happened if she and Zac hadn’t had that conversation? They might have gone their separate ways, never knowing it had simply been a misunderstanding. And the responsibility for that was hers. That defensive wall of hers had come up again. In her instinctive attempt to protect herself she’d almost destroyed a chance at true happiness.

Never again. Never again would she let her issues get in the way of something good.

And now she couldn’t wait to get back to the cabin so that they could talk properly and be together.

They arrived back at the lodge, thanked Robyn and Erik and said a grateful goodbye to the dogs before walking back to the cabin.

They removed their boots and outer layers and were barely through the door before Zac grabbed her.

He groaned and kissed his way from her jaw to her mouth. “We wasted a whole damn night.”

“There will be plenty more.” She lifted her hand to his cheek, feeling the roughness of his jaw against her palm. “Well, at least a few more. Until I mess it up.”

“Could you stop assuming everything is going to go disastrously wrong? And you’re not going to mess it up.” He swung her into his arms and carried her through to the bedroom.

“I already did. We’ve been together for less than twenty-four hours, and we’ve already had a major misunderstanding.”

“I was responsible for that. I shouldn’t have slept on the sofa. I mess up, too, Alix. The difference is that I don’t give up.” He lowered her to the bed and came down on top of her. “But to minimize the chances of misunderstanding, from now on we’re saying aloud everything we’re thinking. Every single thing. What are you thinking right now?”

“Um, you’re heavy?”

He grinned and shifted his weight slightly. “So how do you normally spend Christmas Eve?”

“I hang up my stocking with Christy’s, and we pretend to go to sleep so that we don’t interrupt Santa. My stocking happens to be in Christy’s cabin. I hope that this year Santa won’t be confused.”

“I’m sure he’ll figure it out. And as you can’t be with Christy, I have another suggestion about how we might spend the evening.” He lowered his head and kissed her. “Sauna, and then we snuggle in bed and watch the snow and the stars.”

“You think you’re going to make me see stars?”

“I intend to do my best.” He stroked her jaw with his fingers. “I want to make this the best Christmas Eve you’ve ever had.”

“It already is.” She hesitated. “Zac… I don’t know how this is going to end.”

“It’s okay.” He covered her lips with his fingers. “No one knows how anything is going to end. We start at the beginning and take it from there. This is a date, Alix. That’s it. One date. If we have fun, we’ll have another date. And then maybe another.”

“A thousand first dates.”

“Exactly.” He stood up and tugged her to her feet. “We’ll start with a sauna. We might even see Santa. How does that sound?”

It sounded like the best gift she could have been given.

“I think that sounds perfect.”