First Kiss at Christmas by Lee Tobin McClain

CHAPTER TEN

ASTHESONGENDED, Tony extricated himself from Norleen’s arms and looked around the crowded dance floor. Where was Kayla?

“That was fun!” Norleen shouted over the noise of the crowd. She stepped close and kind of nuzzled against him. “Let’s do it again!”

Norleen was a pretty woman for sure, but pretty wasn’t everything. “I’m going to take a break.”

“No way!” She clung on tighter. “Don’t leave me alone!”

Since they were surrounded by friendly, noisy people, Norleen was hardly alone. But she was new in town, and he didn’t want to be unkind. “Look, there’s Pixie’s mom,” he said, pointing. “Why don’t you go talk to her?”

“I’m staying right here with you.” She pushed herself close to his side, took his hand, and actually wrapped his arm around her.

He untangled himself and stepped away. He tried to be nice to everyone, but he wasn’t a total pushover. “I need to go find Kayla.” He didn’t know where she’d gone, but he definitely wanted to find her. She’d agreed to come to the event, and he didn’t want to miss out entirely on the chance to spend time with her.

Norleen looked like she might turn on the tears. Great. Where was Evan Stone when you needed him? He scanned the crowd and spotted him. “Come with me,” he ordered Norleen.

When they reached Evan, the man’s face broke out in a big smile. “Just the lady I was hoping to find,” he said with apparent sincerity. “Don’t let Tony dominate your time. I deserve at least one dance.”

Take two or three.

Norleen looked indecisive.

Evan reached out both hands. “Come on, I bet you’re a great dancer. You can show me a thing or two,” he added with a smile and a wink.

Norleen let go of Tony’s arm and took Evan’s hands.

Tony backed away. Thank you,he mouthed. He definitely owed the man a beer.

Now to find Kayla. He made his way through the crowd, smiling and greeting those he knew while staying focused on his goal. Unlike Evan, Kayla was short, not easy to spot above the crowd.

Finally he caught a glimpse of blond hair and headed toward it. Yes, there was Kayla, talking to a couple of guys. No wonder. She wasn’t all decked out like some of the ladies, but she didn’t need to be. Her simple, natural look was part of her appeal.

He was relieved when he broke through the crowd and reached her. He waited until she’d ended her conversation and turned to him.

“Hi, Tony,” she said, her voice noncommittal.

“Would you do me the honor of dancing with me?” His face heated. Where did that awful line come from?

But she smiled and gave a little curtsy. “Yes, fine sir,” she said, and that made it okay.

Kayla always made things okay, made you feel comfortable. Maybe that was why he’d so urgently wanted to spend time with her tonight.

A familiar fast song was starting up. Most people seemed to know it and came onto the floor, making it even more crowded. Groups of women put their hands in the air and laughed and danced their hearts out.

Kayla’s eyes sparkled and her cheeks were pink. She moved with easy rhythm, and he was hard-pressed to keep his gaze above the neck, but he tried. Her hair whipped around, and he realized he’d never seen it loose before. What would it feel like, he wondered, to run his hands through it?

They touched hands, backed off, touched again. Tony liked to dance, and it was clear that Kayla did, too. He even managed to twirl her a couple of times despite the press of the crowd. When the song ended, people clapped and started to leave the dance floor.

“Uh-uh, don’t stop yet, folks,” Bisky called from the stage. “We’ve got a couple of slow songs before we head over to see Santa at Goody’s. One last chance to hold your girl close, fellas.”

Tony looked at Kayla. She bit her lip and backed away.

“Will you dance a slow song with me?” he asked.

Their eyes met and held, and it felt like he was asking her for something more than a dance.

“What about Norleen?” she asked.

“I’d rather dance with you.” He held out his open hands.

She stepped closer, and he wrapped his arms around her as the little band started a popular slow song.

She fit against him perfectly. She wasn’t tall; the top of her head was at chin level. She felt warm and womanly in his arms. They swayed together, and there was that sense of rhythm he’d noticed on the fast songs, now close up.

Around them, other couples were locked together. He caught a glimpse of Paul and Amber. Mary, the head of the Victory Cottage program, was in the arms of a tall, bald man who looked extremely happy. Norleen was wrapped around Evan, who didn’t seem to mind.

It made his body happy to hold Kayla; he couldn’t deny it. She was all female, and they were dancing pretty close. But that was an experience he’d had before, many times.

What he’d never experienced was the caring he felt—both for her and radiating from her. Long before this moment, he’d learned she was a wonderful person. Jax adored her; all kids did. She was unfailingly kind, but also fun and lively.

He rested his cheek on the top of her head and closed his eyes, just for a moment, savoring her. Yeah. This felt different. This was different.

Becoming Jax’s guardian had made him more serious, and more choosy about women, too. Kayla lived up to his new higher standards and then some.

The song ended, but the band immediately segued into another slow song, and he kept his arms around Kayla. He hadn’t imagined he could feel this good. “One more?” he asked her.

“Sure.” She sounded a little breathless.

A minute in, he recognized the song and guilt slammed into him, guilt and sadness. He stepped away from Kayla, holding her upper arms for a few seconds, then letting go.

“I...I need to leave,” he said. The people around him seemed to blur, all except Kayla, who was studying him, her expression curious.

“Sorry,” he said. “I have to go.”

“What is it?”

He couldn’t tell her that the song everyone around them was dancing to was his sister’s favorite song. Couldn’t share with her the memories of Stella swaying to it every time it came on the radio, blasting it from her phone when she needed a lift. If he started talking about that, he’d break down.

He just needed to get Jax and refocus on his meaningful job of caring for his nephew. Not on holding an innocent, kind, good woman in his arms. She deserved better.

He turned away from Kayla’s curious eyes and headed toward the children’s area, only to find Paul and Amber emerging with Davey and Jax. Amber looked past him, at which point he realized that Kayla had followed him.

“We’re taking the boys over to Goody’s,” Amber announced. “They want to go together. We’ll meet you at the boat parade after.”

He looked down at Jax, who was trying to get his arms into his coat sleeves. Tony held the coat for his nephew and then helped him zip it.

“Me and Davey are gonna see Santa!” Jax said.

“Do you want to go with Davey?”

Jax nodded vigorously. “Can I, Uncle Tony?”

Tony swallowed hard. Jax was getting better here, not needing to cling, and it was a good development. It meant he was healing. “Sure you can,” he said, even though he kind of wanted to cling to Jax himself. To comfort his own sorrow about Stella by clinging to her son.

“Yes!” Jax pumped his arm and scooted over to where Davey was standing.

Tony felt a hand on his shoulder. “Come on,” Kayla said, her voice firm. “Let’s take a walk.”

Kayla. All his feelings about dancing with her went to war with his anger at himself, leaving him confused. “I should really go with Jax,” he said.

She nodded at Jax, who was following Paul and Amber through the now-emptying ballroom, talking a mile a minute to Davey. “Jax is fine,” she said. “Come with me and tell me what happened in there.”

He let his eyes close for just a minute. The temptation to tell her was strong, but so was his shame about his role in his sister’s death.

“Look, Tony, I’m not trying to make a move on you. I’m just being a friend. Something happened when we were dancing together, and I want to help, if I can.” She crinkled her eyes at him. “So, a walk?”

“Okay,” he said.

“Good.” She guided him toward the coat racks with a gentle hand on his arm. She found her own red coat and stocking cap, which made her look like a kid. He grabbed his jacket and they walked out together into the chill. People were disappearing down the street toward Goody’s, and the sudden quiet was disorienting.

They walked for a few minutes on the bike path beside the bay. Even through the cold air, he caught the faint fishy smell of a waterfront town. Water lapped against the pilings, rhythmic and soothing.

He tried to let his thoughts calm down, but they kept racing. Kept bringing back Stella’s face, twisted in anger, that last time they’d been together.

“Look,” Kayla said, “I know I’m being pushy, but I’d like to help. Won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

“You are kind of pushy,” he said, but in a joking way. Kayla’s pushiness was of a completely different variety than Norleen’s, because it came from a place of caring.

Should he tell her about Stella, about his role in her death? The therapist had encouraged him to talk about it. “It’s not a pretty story,” he said.

“That’s okay. Come on, let’s sit where there’s a break from the wind. I can always talk better looking out at the water.”

What else could he do? He followed her to a sheltered bench and sat beside her. Not close this time.

She just waited without speaking.

“That song they played last. It was my sister’s favorite. The sister who died. Jax’s mom.” He looked out over the water. It was rippled but glossy, like an old-fashioned mirror, and the full moon made a path across it. He had the fanciful thought that if he could follow that path, he’d get to where Stella was. What would he say to her?

He’d apologize, beg her forgiveness, for sure. Tell her how Jax was doing.

His throat tightened. She’d loved Jax so much.

“Tell me about it?” Kayla asked.

He sucked in a breath and watched the water.

“You don’t have to,” she said. Her voice was gentle.

Why not? It was a way to make her back off, so he wouldn’t have to push her away. “After I got out of the service, I moved back into our family home in Filmore, where Jax and my sister were living,” he began.

“Your parents are gone?”

He nodded. “It’s the house where I grew up. Old and run-down, and I thought I’d fix things up a little while I was getting my feet under me. Spend some time with Jax.”

“That makes sense.”

“I was the oldest, and Stella the youngest. She looked up to me in a way, but also kind of wanted to defy me. I was more like a father than a brother.”

Kayla nodded. “Big difference between oldest and youngest sibling,” she said.

“Yeah. She’d sneak out like a teenager after Jax went to sleep. He’d wake up in the morning and she wouldn’t be there, and he’d come wandering into my bedroom to find me. That always made me mad. What if I’d had an early appointment and was gone some morning? I was interviewing for jobs, sometimes at the last minute.”

“You’re right. She should have let you know before leaving him.”

“We fought a lot,” he said. “And finally...” He paused, looked up at the sky, at the stars peeking out around clouds. “Finally, after a big blowup, she took Jax and left. Wouldn’t answer her phone, didn’t say where she was going.”

“That must have been so scary!”

“It was, but she got in touch with our sister, let her know she was safe. Only...she actually wasn’t.” He sighed. “Two days later—actually, two nights later, it was after midnight—Jax showed up on my doorstep. No idea who brought him, but he was crying and upset and couldn’t say what had happened. A little while later, the police came to let me know...” He swallowed. “To let me know Stella had passed. Shot down. Our address was on her ID.”

Her hand came over to find his and hold it. “That must have been just terrible,” she said.

“Yeah.” He looked down at the ground, kicked at a rock. “I pushed her back into the drug lifestyle, and as a result, Jax doesn’t have a mom.”

She squeezed his hand, studying his face. He couldn’t read what she was thinking, but she had to be disgusted by what he’d told her.

For the first time, he realized that Kayla was almost exactly the same age Stella had been. And although their lives had been completely different, Stella had also been so young. Too young to make good decisions, and she’d needed his guidance and support, not his judgment and yelling.

Was Kayla thinking about what that would be like, looking up to an older brother who ultimately betrayed her? He couldn’t stand the innocence in her eyes, and he had to look away.

Farther down the boardwalk, people were clustering, ready to watch the boat parade. The first lit-up boat motored in front of them, a sailboat with colorful lights strung from the top of the mast down to the bow and stern. Next was a little fishing boat, this one with white lights sparkling along the railings.

“Did Jax’s therapists ever talk to you about reassuring him it wasn’t his fault?” Kayla was still looking steadily at him, still holding his hand.

“Yeah.” Another decorated boat came into view. “They did, especially the new one, and I’ve talked to him about it a few times.”

“Good. I guess they told you that small children think the world is centered on them. That’s why they think everything is their fault.”

“Uh-huh.” He wasn’t sure why she’d changed the subject. Maybe it was easier to talk about Jax than to react to the story he’d told her, about his own culpability.

“But it really isn’t their fault.”

“Right.”

“So Tony,” she said, her voice gentle, “you’re kind of doing the same thing.”

“The same... What do you mean?” He’d expected an attack, but she just looked and sounded compassionate.

“I’m saying your sister’s death isn’t your fault, even though you think it is.”

Was she patronizing him? Faking kindness, covering the truth of his transgression with sappy-sweet words?

Sweet words that, as he thought about them, insulted him. “You’re saying I’m like a little kid?”

“You may have made some mistakes in your relationship with her, but she could have moved out and gone any number of other places. To a hotel, to your other siblings, to a reliable friend’s house. Or she could’ve stayed and tried to work things out with you. You didn’t kick her out, right?”

“No, I didn’t. Though according to her, I made it intolerable for her to stay.”

“Because you wanted her to be responsible for her son?” She shrugged and stood. “To me, that seems like the kind of thing that needed to be said. Think about it.”

Could she be right?

“Let’s go over by the railing and watch the boats,” she said. She took his hand and tugged, and he got to his feet and followed her.

The boats were passing by more regularly now, and closer together. All were strung with lights, some multicolored, some white or blue. Between the moonlight above and the reflected light below, the effect was like a fairy tale. Jax had to be loving it.

And Tony loved it, too. Loved the beauty and the bay; loved having his burden of guilt lift just a little.

“You’re mad at me,” she said, looking up at him, her hair wild and silvery in the moonlight. “I shouldn’t have psychoanalyzed you.”

“I’m not mad. The opposite, in fact.” He tugged her hand to make her face him and stepped closer. Reaching up, he let his fingers catch a strand of her hair. It was as soft as it looked.

Her eyes widened and darkened. Moonlight played across her features.

He touched her cheek.

He wasn’t enough for her, wasn’t a good bet. He’d done something awful to his sister and to Jax.

But tonight, in this fairy tale world, he could set all that aside. He could do what his heart wanted to do.

He leaned closer and pressed his lips to hers.