Exhale by Sophia Soames

LEO

“Tell me your deepest darkest secret,” I said, grinning at him. We were walking slowly, his hand still in mine, our arms swinging happily between us.

“Er…” He made a face that had me regretting ever opening my mouth. Yup, that was me. Making people uncomfortable with strange questions had always been my special gift.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” I groaned. “But in a few minutes, I will probably…well, hopefully, have your dick in my mouth and my fingers up your arse, and there’s nothing more intimate than that. So perhaps, tell me something that you have never told anyone else?”

“Is this still part of the interview questions?” He smiled, biting his bottom lip. He was a flirt. A goddamn flirt and I loved that. But at the same time, people like him flirted with everything that moved. He was also insanely attractive, which meant I would have to fight the whole entire world for his attention. I know that was a dick thing to even think, but I was the jealous type, and my anxieties were haunting me with every word that left his pretty mouth.

“Okay?” He squeezed my hand, like he was seeking reassurance that he wasn’t scaring me off. I squeezed back, proud. Whatever he told me, I would still love him. Even after he’d left me.

“You can tell me anything. Secrets are no good to anyone. I’ll tell you all mine.”

“I want to know everything about you.” He was too quiet. Subdued.

“There isn’t much to tell,” I replied, my heart doing a little jolt. “I’m too boring and normal. Never broke anyone’s heart, that I know of. Never broke a bone or burnt down our house. I was just this kid who loved books and had a good relationship with his mum and all that. No drama. Well, I hated it when my mum moved back to France, and I get into these big depressive slumps whenever I have sex with someone and they dump me before even getting the condom off.

“You need to stop getting hung up on those guys. They aren’t worth it. Not everyone is like that.”

See? Now I’d pissed him off, and we hadn’t even made it back to my flat.

“I don’t really have any secrets,” Jamie continued. “None that matter anyway. I’m straightforward. Well, apart from that I tend to rush into things, completely lose my confidence and then struggle to get back up to where I was. I start things and then I fail. But it doesn’t matter. I’m just who I am.”

He exhaled, blowing air into the afternoon sun as we crossed the main road down towards the dull, grey high street. The bright advertisement on a bus shelter in the distance was the only splash of colour in sight.

“You sound like me.” He did. I recognised those highs and lows. The bursts of confidence, followed by lows laced with complete and utter failure.

“Give me the tour,” he said, almost absentmindedly. “I want to know stuff about you, so I can picture your life in my head. I want to know so when you tell me you’re on your way to a lecture, I’ll know where you’re going. Little things like that.”

“It’s just…my life doesn’t get more exciting than this. I walk here, along this road. There’s a supermarket down there by the train station. A good kebab shop on the corner.”

We walked on in silence, neither of us knowing what else to say. It was clearly going to be one of those pivotal moments when he’d realise I was a total flake, because this? It was too good to be true. But he was still holding my hand as we approached the bus shelter. He was still mine for a few more precious moments.

“I take the bus to uni from here, every morning. The 8:38 bus. Brings me right up to the campus main gate for nine.”

It was a stupid declaration of nothing, but he dragged me into the shelter and grabbed my other hand too. Stood there like the beautiful creature he was and just smiled at me.

“On Monday morning—well, from now on. Every time you stand here waiting for your bus, you can think of me standing here with you. Because…”

He didn’t say anything else. Instead, he pressed his lips against mine. Kissed me like I was his, with his hands around my face, his tongue inside my mouth, seductively brushing against my own. It was a beautiful, deep kiss I would remember forever, and when he pulled away, he did so slowly, the tip of his tongue caressing my top lip. It made me shiver.

“You’re amazing,” I panted. What else could I say?

“You are too,” he murmured and stole another, much hungrier kiss where our bodies pressed together, and my arse thumped back into the advertising board behind us. I’d looked at that ad so often, the cheerful screaming out for us to consume more carbonated drinks under spray-painted tags and discarded chewing gum, but right now, I felt like my veins were pumped full of expensive champagne bubbles.

“Still wanna come home with me?” I asked breathlessly. I wanted this so badly my chest hurt, but I also wanted it to end well. And I wanted… I wanted so much.

“I want someone like you,” he said, echoing my thoughts. The desperate edge to his voice made me want to cry. “Someone who will look at me like you just did and then fucking love me forever.”

That was him, standing there in a bus shelter covered in dirty graffiti, declaring his most noble intentions, and I suddenly felt like someone else. Someone who deserved the glow he bathed me in, the warmth of his smile, the soothing ministrations of his hands.

“W-wow.”

I was working towards a Master’s in French literature and all I could produce was a juvenile stutter. I should have quoted celebrated poetic lines to impress him.

“Please,” I whispered, my pleading face still cupped in the warmth from his hands.

“I want the whole goddamn fairy tale.” He looked serious and stern, his whole body shaking with all those things he was trying to get out. “I want my prince, so I can be your Prince Charming, and I want the full-on happily-ever-after. I’ve always wanted that, but you see? Life kicks us all in the teeth. But if we tried, would that be what you want too? You and me? Do you think we could one day?”

“We’ve only known each other for an hour.” Ugh, I could’ve kicked myself. This was the moment when I should have jumped into his arms. Then maybe we’d actually have our happily-ever-after—well, at least for an hour or two.

“Okay.” He stepped back, his hands travelling down my arms until he had both my hands in his again, standing there like a million-dollar advertisement for happiness and a future so bright we’d both have to wear shades. “Let’s do this properly then. Hi, I’m Jamie, your own personal Prince Charming.”

He was too handsome for his own good, radiating a comfort that was unusual. I’d never felt this relaxed. And relaxed I was, my legs turning into jelly and my face hurting with muscle spasms from smiling too hard.

“Delighted to meet you, Prince Jamie. What’s your full name?” I grinned. He laughed.

“James Amadeus Whitehall Walters. Shit name, I know, but my parents were nuts. I go by just Jamie Walters these days, and I will tell you the full story why one day, I promise. I have a twin brother, Luke. Then there’s a whole bunch of siblings who live in our house with their boyfriends and girlfriends. The youngest is Olive. She’ll love you because you’re just as cute as she is. She loves animals and definitely likes cats. We don’t have any pets because we’re all messy and disorganized and we’d forget to feed them and fight about whose job it was to empty the litter tray.”

“Messy. Suppose I should be some dragon-slaying knight then? I can pretend I’m good with a sword or something. Damn it, I’ve never ridden a horse in my life.”

“Oh dear.” He gave a little snort. “Suppose you’ll just have to take an Uber if you’re going to go save the world then, Sir Leo. What’s your full name again?”

“Sir Leo Jacques Leblond,” I provided in a pompous voice. “Nice to meet you, Prince Jamie. So now we have been introduced, what else do we need to do in this fairy tale before we live happily ever after?”

“Well, let’s think. Your mother’s left our little kingdom for France, but the two of you are cool? Any more family I should know about? My family are amazing. Well, apart from my parents, who are both criminals. Ex-cons. Reformed by Her Majesty’s excellent prison services. See? We have all the essential background drama for a good, old-fashioned fairy tale right here. All we need to do now is love each other forever.”

I wasn’t sure if he was joking, but I smiled appropriately as he shuffled his feet, swinging my hands in his.

“I have no idea who my dad is,” I added. “Mum refuses to tell me. Apparently, the sperm donor doesn’t deserve to know me.”

“Another little detail that adds to our charming back story.” He kissed me again. Just a soft small peck, but I loved it. Loved all his little touches. The story he was so easily spinning reeled me in with every word.

“Tell me more about yourself, Prince Jamie.” I put on my best posh voice, and he was smiling so hard I couldn’t help giggle.

“I’ve always known I was a little queer,” he spoke quietly, looking straight at me. “So, I’m not here to figure that bit out. I’ve just never been brave enough to try—well, I’ve never met a man I really fancied enough, until I met you. Because I fancy everything about you. You’re honest and quirky and fun and different. You’re trying so hard to be something I’ll fancy back, but…”

He changed his grip on my hands, tangling our fingers, then released one hand so he could stroke my face again. Cupping my chin, he leant in for another of those kisses that birthed crazy butterflies in my stomach. “Don’t try so hard. Don’t be anything but you because I like the real you. I really like this little fairy tale of ours. This cautionary fable where we met for a hook-up and fall in love and live happily ever after with our pet cat and all life’s little luxuries despite whatever society’s norms are for these kinds of things. It doesn’t have to be so complicated. You want a relationship. I want a relationship. And a family. I want kids one day, however that would happen. I want to see my family every weekend for messy Sunday dinners, and I want you there with me. I want you to take me to Paris and make me eat weird foods. And yes! Teach me French. Book me into a class or something. I’d like that.”

“You want to have a whole life with me?” I asked in between hiccups of nervous, disbelieving giggles. “What kind of hook-up is this? Who are you and what have you done to Jamie from Grindr? We haven’t even shagged and you’re talking about a lifetime with you. Will we get married too?” I was acting the fool, but then he was too, so I might as well play along.

“I know it’s a silly thing to even say, but yeah. If you want to? This is a fairy tale after all, isn’t it?”

“You…you’re insane.”

“Yup. But wouldn’t life be boring if we didn’t do crazy shit sometimes? And anyway, how often do you meet someone who wants the same things out of life as you? I want all those things. If I could, I would drag you off to Vegas right here, right now. And we would have the most amazing story to tell our friends. We met, I proposed to you in a bus shelter and then we got married. Here we are. Fifty happy years later.”

He mock-toasted to me in the air, and I kissed him. Because he was right there, and I could. Because he was crazier than I normally allowed for, and I secretly loved it. I loved his impulsive madness, just as he seemed to love mine.

“Wanna go home and fuck then?” I asked into his mouth. “Since we’re getting married and all that?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

“Then let me take you home and love you forever.”

I smiled as I said those words. I wanted so badly to believe every single one of them.