Exhale by Sophia Soames

JAMIE

This was actually, dangerously insane, and I cringed at myself walking along, swinging his clammy hand in mine. I’ve done it again, I thought, as my heart sank to my stomach. Why did I always do these mad, impulsive things, rushing into something with childish excitement and every intention of following through? Like when I’d decided to paint my room black. The restoration project on the wreck of a car still sat in our drive. The course I’d signed up for to learn to cook. None of those projects had ever been completed. Yet here I was, throwing myself into something I wasn’t sure I could pull off. Not that I was back-pedalling or regretting my words. I was just frightened of the reality here. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for being one half of a whole. Or perhaps I just had the naïve mindset that if I tried hard enough, I could make someone love me as much as I loved them. I craved reassurance and needed all those words said back to me. The ones I so carelessly kept spilling over him.

“I’m so glad I agreed to meet you. I almost cancelled earlier, antsy with jitters. Nerves were getting the better of me. But as soon as I saw you, I knew I’d made the right decision to come.”

He smiled nervously. But then he squeezed my hand, and I felt a little better.

“You don’t have to, you know. Stand by your word, I mean. I know it’s just a fantasy we’re playing out here.” Even his voice was giving me goosebumps now. Soft and smooth, with a gentle lilt peeking through when he wasn’t so nervous.

For a minute, I was going to agree with him because I knew he was right. We were playing along with this little fairy tale of our own making; neither of us knew how the story would pan out. I just hoped we would end up in a good place—one that wasn’t full of tears and regret.

“Tell me about your ex,” he said, and I suddenly needed to stop and drag him up against a wall so I could sniff his neck. What can I say? I liked necks. I was an over-the-top tactile person. One who liked inhaling the scent of the people I loved, knowing that whenever I needed it, there was affection to be found. I was someone who craved touch. Skin. Warmth. And this man in my arms—I thought he’d been normal, though he was anything but. He was handsome. Charming. Cute. He was strangely everything I’d ever asked the universe for, and his hands were around my face, his lips pressed against my cheek. “I’d rather know what happened, so I can, you know…not say all the wrong things and offend you or something.”

“I want you to meet her because she’s an amazing girl,” I replied a little breathlessly. “She will love you and mother you to death. That’s just who Kizzy is. She’s beautiful, full of curves, softness and laughter. Life around her is never dull. She smiles, whatever karma throws at her. But she needs someone who can love her back, let her be everything that she is. I smothered her, and we ended up suffocating each other. I’m intense, but she’s even more so. Just a fair warning. I will love the shit out of you, and if you can’t deal with that…?”

“I think I can deal with being loved. Just don’t put a pillow over my face or whatever.”

“Not that kind of suffocation,” I snuffled out, my chest getting tight. I didn’t like talking about it, but I supposed he deserved to know the truth about the worst months in my life, months that destroyed all that Kizzy and I had been.

“You don’t have to tell me everything, not yet. But one day, maybe, when you feel comfortable? I never want you to feel you have to hide anything from me.” This man blew me away with his kindness and honesty, again and again and again. I was surprised by his maturity, being brave enough to ask the most difficult questions. Questions I hadn’t even dared ask myself.

“There’s not much to tell. We’d been together for ages, and then we got pregnant, and I thought I couldn’t have been happier. I was on cloud nine, and so was Kiz. Life was suddenly just so impossibly perfect. Our baby wasn’t planned, it was one of those happy accidents, and we stupidly told everyone. And then we bought shit and spent hours cuddled up, making all these plans for our future, the way you do. Then things came crashing down. The little castle we’d built around us caved in. We got crushed underneath this massive brick wall, and we couldn’t find a way to dig ourselves out.” I had to stop talking, my words nothing but pathetic sounding wheezing as I continued.

“We lost the baby, and Kiz got sick, struggling with an overwhelming grief I couldn’t help her soothe. I tried. I tried so hard with everything, but I couldn’t cope. We clung to each other, and it felt like we were drowning in grief and love and hate and life, and nobody could give us any answers. Everyone around us got awkward. Nobody knows why these things happen. I just knew I couldn’t do it anymore, and Kiz was holding on to me for support when all I did was fall apart. It had to end. We were no good for each other and we both knew it. There was no argument, no hate. Just sadness and depression. The moment when we decided not to be together anymore was the first time I’d seen her smile in months.”

“That sounds…difficult.” He sounded so kind that I almost burst into tears. It was strange talking about it, like this, to someone who hadn’t been there. Someone who hadn’t seen the small broken creatures we’d become.

“It was, but it’s not anymore. We’ve found a balance now, where we can be exactly what we’re supposed to be. We’ll always be Jamie and Kizzy, and that’s the way we roll. I hope we’ll always be in each other’s lives. Family is family, don’t you agree?”

“I’m already jealous.” His smile was awkward, but I drew him back in, holding him and hoping I could find all the words I wanted to say.

“Don’t be jealous.” My hands cupped his face, but I needed more. I clung to him, trying to hug him and keep our lips in contact. He held on to my neck. The two of us stayed like that for a while, standing against a wall on a narrow pavement while a woman with a pram walked past and the traffic roared from the street nearby. “There’s no need to be jealous. I don’t mess around. You are it for me until you break up with me. So please, don’t break up with me yet because I still want this boyfriend gig.”

“You’re still in the running for the Prince Charming job, and actually, you’re my favourite candidate so far.” He winked, my Leo. And I loved saying that in my head—my Leo…Leo…I have a Leo—small explosions of sudden happiness burning bright in my mind. He’d lightened the mood, in an instant, strangely without making it weird. I was grateful for the breather, because for a moment things had become a bit too heavy.

“My Leo. Can I change the knight thing? I think you should be a prince too. A princeling perhaps? I like that word. My Princeling Leo.”

“As long as I can still slay things.” He laughed. “I like the idea of being a hero…well, a pseudo one. I can pretend to protect you from all the evil dragons in the world…or something.”

“Don’t kill any dragons. I’m sure they’re endangered these days. You can be the protector of my heart instead…and my sanity, perhaps?”

He didn’t respond to that, just kissed me with a smile on his face. The sound of him giggling was my new favourite thing in the world, alongside the soft stubble and little laughter lines that now appeared whenever he looked at me. The curl that fell over his left eye. And I realised that yes. This was just that. Him and me. That little moment when my heart fluttered. I was falling and falling fast, like I always did, but this time was different. I was older. Probably not wiser, but I knew what I wanted. What I needed.

“Can we just stand here for a sec?” he asked, a little flush creeping up his cheeks. “I’m kind of sporting a boner, and this jacket doesn’t hide anything.”

I pressed my whole body against his, wrapping my coat around us both as laughter spilled out of my mouth, partly at his obvious embarrassment, but mostly because I was happy. I loved what we were doing here, what we doing to each other, how our bodies knew what was going on before we’d even realised ourselves. I whispered that to him, feeling the hardness in his jeans against my leg.

“Take me home then?” I finished off in between small kisses on his cheek, a few on his neck, that curl twisting around my fingers like it belonged there.

“I’ll race you,” he said, pushing me away. Then, grabbing my hand, he set off at a frightening speed down the lane, the two of us crazy running, almost taking out an elderly gentleman with a walking stick in our childish haste. I shouted an apology and did my best to keep up. We dashed along footpaths that twisted between identical-looking grey buildings, laundry hanging from balconies and neglected attempts at tiny gardens. He stopped outside a door, and I realised I had no idea where I was.

“I’ll never find my way back now,” I panted, leaning over with my hands on my knees as he laughed.

“That’s kind of the whole point. Now you have to stay with me forever, trapped in my tiny, hidden castle. This estate is like a maze, so if you try to leave, you’ll end up walking in circles for years. Unless I come rescue you.”

“And would you? Would you come rescue me?”

He punched a code into the keypad next to my head, his eyes never leaving mine. I licked my lips, dry from kissing him.

“Always,” he whispered.

The door fell open, and I held his hand as we negotiated a staircase and an open walkway overlooking more buildings. The sun was in the distance, its warmth falling on my face as Leo fished his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door to his home, revealing a cosy hallway that housed shoes and a recycling bucket filled with paper and cans, some clothing haphazardly hung on a rickety old-fashioned hat rack…and a cat that shrieked and ran off as soon as I stepped inside.

“He’s shy, but he’ll come around. Next thing you know, he’ll be sat on your head licking your face.”

I wanted to say something about licking heads and faces but never got the chance because next thing I knew, he ripped off his jacket and launched at me, shoving me hard against the wall. His mouth was on mine, his hands fisting my hair, and all I could do was drag his goddamn jumper over his head. I suppose it had come down to this, and this alone.

I wanted him, the way he obviously wanted me. Naked. Underneath me or on top of me, I didn’t really care at this point, but I wanted us. I wanted everything I could get.

Life seemed to pass in slow motion as I dropped my coat and we ripped at our clothes. I got my boots tangled in my trousers, which meant we ended up dry humping on the floor half-dressed and panting, his cock hard and pulsing in my hand. I stopped for a second, just to remind myself to feel. To savour this—his flushed face right next to mine, his warm smile, his beautiful chest—and enjoy it instead of racing him to that orgasm, even though it was so close I could almost taste it.

I was short of limbs to touch every part of him that I wanted to explore—the curves and angles, his cute little belly button and the perfectly shaped dick sticking out from the top of his underwear. A dick that I gently stroked up and down against my palm, hoping my clumsiness wouldn’t give him friction burns. We needed lube, I knew that much. We needed time. We needed…fuck. I’d read up on this, and now my mind was blank.

“Get your shoes off, baby,” he said, his face full of wonder.

“Baby,” I said back. I loved that we were already at the point where little terms of endearment slipped in as easily as those little kisses he was dishing out onto my skin.

I didn’t want to, not really, but I sat up and untangled the remains my clothing. My dick poked awkwardly at the ceiling as I kicked off my boots and rolled on top of him, the two of us lying in a pool of clothes on the grey lino flooring.

I concentrated on taking in his physique. Nicely defined shoulders and a soft stomach, a smattering of chest hair and strong arms that reached for me as I sank down on top of him. My dick now trapped between us, I let out a little moan as he moved underneath me, giving me just a hint of friction again.

“Can we…you know. Slow down for a second?” I asked, although I’d need more than a second. I was feeling a little lightheaded from forgetting how to breathe with his skin against mine, his eyes constantly watching me, and an overwhelming feeling of being so incredibly inadequate. Because this boy. This goddamn boy.

“Whatever you need,” he said quietly. “As long as you don’t leave. Did I do something wrong?”

“No.” Oh my god, no. And I kissed his cheeks. His eyelids. Held him as hard as I could. “I just think, you know, our first time should perhaps not take place on the hallway floor.”

“I think our first time on the hallway floor has gone quite well so far. I’ve got you naked, and that’s a nice boner poking into my leg. I give myself a solid seven out of ten so far.”

“Oh…” Then I giggled because yes. Yes, yes, yes, a million times yes. This was my kind of hook-up. “I might have to adjust that down to a six, just because of the comfort factor. I’m quite sure I am getting chafing injuries on my knees, although I agree on the boner scores. I’d give you an easy eight for that hard-on.”

I’d shuffled off him as I spoke, now leaning on my hip, stroking his dick, the baby soft foreskin moving under my fingertips. I still didn’t dare to look, fearing the illusion in my head would pop if I did. Instead, I glanced up and saw him watching me, completely unashamed as his lips cracked into a little smile.

“Your first dick?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“It is a rather nice dick. I’ve always thought so. Not as nice as yours, though. Wanna lie here, in the crook of my neck? Then I can touch you too.”

He’d graduated up to a nine, just with that little suggestion, and I snuggled into him, right here, my nose against his skin and his hand moving over my length in soft, light strokes, up and down. Then he put his fingers in his mouth, licking them before moving down and wetting the tip of my cock. And that was me, moaning out loud.

“Nice, eh? I’ll get some lube in a sec. Makes all the difference.”

I didn’t think I’d need lube at this point, seeing as I was panting, small desperate huffs coming out of my mouth with every stroke of his fingers.

“We can just get off if you want. Just to take the edge off, you know?” he whispered into my mouth, followed by his wicked tongue drawing a line over my lips.

“Want to. Enjoy this.” I did, and I was. Lying back next to him, I explored his skin. The fine hairs on his chest and those gorgeous nipples—tight buds that I kissed before tracing the shape of his pecs with my tongue. I ran my fingers over the lines down his stomach, loving the feel of hard muscles under my hand. It felt strangely familiar, touching him like this. I knew what to do. I knew what felt good, and I suddenly wanted to give him all those things that I loved being done to me.

“Can I blow you?” My mouth was braver than my head, but with his dick in my hand, I wanted more than anything to lick it too, which seemed fine with him as he pushed me off and motioned at me to move. He crawled ahead of me into what looked like the living area, and I followed. I hadn’t paid any attention to our surroundings, but there was now soft carpet under my knees, and a comfortable-looking sleep area with a mattress, where he was shuffling around, stuffing pillows under his neck. I joined him on the clean, crisp bedding—another welcome relief as we tumbled around, all arms and legs and hands, his mouth clasped on mine.

“Much better,” I growled. “Where were we?”

“I’m all yours, Prince Charming,” he grunted back. “Now suck my dick.”

I loved that he took control almost as much as I loved his quirky sense of humour. I loved that he let me do whatever I wanted. He laughed and stuffed another pillow behind his back, spreading his legs to accommodate me, and somehow it wasn’t awkward at all.

I hadn’t really looked, but now that I did, I was stunned into silence. He was still in his underwear, his rock-hard dick poking through the hem of the black silky things that covered his groin. They were not made for girls, that was clear, but they were… I couldn’t even think straight. I reached out to stroke the fabric, fingertips against harsh lace, and he hid his face with his arm, shooting me a shy smile beneath his elbow.

“Fuck, you’re stunning,” I groaned out. He was. He was more perfect than he knew.

I arranged myself between his legs. It was like I was made to lie there, and he fitted so perfectly back against me that I could’ve cried as I gently released him from the panties and sucked the tip of his cock into my mouth. My throat spasmed at the sensation. I hadn’t expected it to overwhelm me as much as it did. He was a lovely size, but my mouth was just not used to so much skin, taste, warmth, and most of all, I was sucking dick. Me, The Great Jamie Walters was pressing on and taking this beautiful man deep into my mouth, struggling against the need to gag and the water in my eyes. I was loving what I was doing, but I wanted to learn how to do it well, how to relax enough to take him all the way down my throat.

“Take it easy,” he panted. “You’re good. Just go slow.”

Slow was hard because I was never slow. I bobbed away, sucking at his head, the foreskin moving deliciously under my tongue. At one point I got my hand in on the gig as well. Hell, yes. I was the goddamn king of blow jobs, sucking and slobbering all over him alongside the sound of his moans above my head. I ripped his underwear down, revelling in the slide of silk against my fingers as his hips moved under my firm grip, his sounds and laughter, the smell of him overwhelming my senses.

I was finally getting the hang of it and went deeper. I still gagged and spluttered, but I didn’t mind anymore. His pubes were against my nose. When his hands suddenly tugged at my hair, I realised that this, this was exactly where I wanted to be. His cock so far down my throat that my face was spasming, his nails scratching my skin, his mouth churning out noises that were like music to my ears and then—

“Sorry!” he gasped.

I wasn’t sorry. I was giving the blow job of my life, and he was orgasming straight into my mouth. Sharp-tasting, warm liquid spilled over my tongue as I pulled off to swallow, only to greedily head back for more, another strand of white shooting out over my hand. I licked it off, giving him a cheeky grin, then sucked his dick back into my mouth, buzzing with the sheer excitement of having pulled this off.

“You’re a fucking devil. That mouth of yours…” He looked wrecked, and we were only just starting.

“Beginner’s luck?” I winked, licking a line up his stomach, sucking a nipple into my mouth on the way as he squirmed underneath me. I still had his undergarments squished into a ball in my hand, the silk a weird comfort against my skin. I couldn’t even remember how I’d got them off his ridiculously long legs, but there we were.

“Too sensitive…need to…hang on a minute.” He was panting, his chest moving up and down under the palm of my hand. “Just lie here and cuddle me for a sec. Then I’ll blow your mind with my insane tongue skills.”

“Oh!” was all I could say. I lay with my head on his chest and brought the silk up to my face, brushing it against my cheek, burying my nose in it. It smelled of him. Of us. Of everything that was good in the world. Moving my hand down, I lazily stroked myself, my dick jerking in my grip against the silky sharpness. I loved this, rubbing myself off on his underwear. I loved this crazy man whose fingers tangled in my hair.

“Jamie?”

“Yeah?”

“You like my manties, don’t you?”

“Manties?” I snuffed out. “Manties?”

“Men’s panties. Pretty silky things. I like them too.”

“I love that you wear them.” Lifting on my elbow, I turned onto my side and shuffled closer. He moved to accommodate me, and I was once again back in that perfect space where I felt alive, comfortable and safe with this boy who might just be the least safe option, given he had thrown my life into a turmoil I may never be ready to face. He made me feel something I didn’t know how to describe.

“Thank you, I suppose?” His spunk had clearly messed with my head because all I could do was smile and drool over his chest. “I think you’re beautiful. You’re goddamn perfect. Every little part of you.”

I was trying not to be weird, but in that moment I needed all of him, as much as I could get. I wrapped myself around him, pulling him closer until my face was scrunched into his neck. It was a lovely feeling, being so close to him, our chests pressed so tightly together and his hands gently stroking my back. Heartbeat against heartbeat, my soul screaming to be with his, and all the while his panties were balled up in my fist like the strangest comfort blanket ever.

“I can’t wait to be inside of you,” he whispered. “I’m going to fall so hard for you, I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope. You’re just…everything.”

“I’m not perfect.” His words had made me emotional, my response sniffled against his chest. “I’m a mess, but I’m a good mess. And as long as you just love me, in all my messiness with all my crazy ideas and impulsive moments, then I will…I’ll fall just as hard for you. You give me all these vibes, and I don’t know how to describe them. Have you ever felt like that? Like the world has suddenly shifted, and everything you ever knew is suddenly different?”

“Nah.” He smiled. “But then, I’ve never met anyone like you. You just talk about feelings and speak your mind. You don’t play games at all, do you?”

“Well, tennis? I like tennis.”

He swatted at me and then peppered my face with his kisses, both of us laughing and then becoming serious again.

“I’ll be really careful with your heart,” I said. “I’ll keep it safe.”

“That’s a big promise to make. What if I smother you too? I’m…what’s the word? Needy. I need all the attention and all the texting. If I don’t know where you are, I’ll panic-ring you. I just, you know, get anxious and doubt everything. I worry about every single little thing. I’m your worst nightmare because I’m the guy who will keep texting. I’ll ring you in the middle of the night, convinced you don’t love me anymore. All that stuff you see in stalker movies, I’ve done it all, and I don’t even realise I’m being a creep until people shout at me and threaten to call the police.”

“Oh.”

“See? Told you. You’ll find out what I’m like and you’ll leave me.”

“I don’t want to leave you, and you can always ring me. See? As long as we talk about the small stuff—I mean the small but important details—we’ll figure this out. I’ll get to know you and you’ll get to know me, one day at a time. I work or hang out with my family or go out with my friends. That’s it. You’ll probably always know where I am. We have this big calendar on the wall at home—I’ll make you one and write down all my routines, then you’ll always know where to find me.” I brought the manties back to my nose. Sniffed them. Smiled as he giggled softly. “If you’re a stalker, I’m a creepy underwear thief. Just for the record, I’m keeping these man-panties. I’m going to carry them around in my pocket so I can have you with me all the time.”

“They’re not man-panties, they’re just manties. Pretty boy pants. Surprisingly comfortable to wear too.”

“They’re gorgeous on you. I can’t wait to find out what else you have hiding in your drawers.”

“You’ll be disappointed, no doubt. Just more pretty pants and a lacy camisole.”

“Why would that disappoint me?”

“I hope…” He went quiet obviously overthinking everything he possibly could. “Maybe in the future, I won’t have to worry about what you think of me. Maybe I’ll always know where to find you if you spend every night in my bed.”

“I hope, maybe, you’ll spend every night in mine.”

He laughed at that, then he crawled down my body and took me into his mouth. I almost gave myself whiplash from the shock of my cock hitting the back of his throat, followed by the sensation of his tongue working its magic. He had skills, and I told him so in raspy words and grunting noises. He paused to look up at me and seductively brought his finger to his mouth, covering it with saliva in lazy licks before hitching my leg up over his shoulder.

He was moving fast, and my brain was struggling to keep up.

“What?” I hissed out in surprise as he spread my cheeks and a warm, wet tongue lapped over my hole. The sensations sent shivers up my chest, my arms flying into the air. I didn’t know where to put them. There was tongue, followed by wet fingers, followed by kisses, and my body thrashing around to the point where he popped up for air, laughing at my helplessness. I was completely out of my comfort zone, yet I was loving every second of being with him. The way he made me smile. The little commentary he had going on, complimenting my non-existent man grooming. I’d never ever waxed a single hair off my poor neglected body, and apparently, I had a jungle going on down there, but he didn’t seem to mind at all.

A myriad of new anxieties now brewed in my chest, which he dismantled one by one with small words of encouragement and comfort. I was hoping he would one day guide me through all those things a modern metrosexual man needed to know. Not that I really needed to know anything apart from how I could make him happy, because I was deleting that damn Grindr app from my phone as soon as I laid hands on it again. Right now, I had no idea where my belongings were, my life strewn carelessly across the floor of a small student apartment in south London.

“Pass me the lube,” he demanded, making me aware that I had two of his fine fingers prodding my insides. He might as well have asked me to recite the top ten French 16^th century poets or something. At that point, I couldn’t even tell him my own name. There was pressure on my insides, sweat on my forehead, my hands were ripping out the hair on his head, and I was kicking my legs like a drunken donkey, completely unable to control my movements.

“Turn over, baby,” he said in a voice so caring I wanted to cry. He was an amazing lover, every touch a small miracle on my skin, every stroke soothing all those fears out of my body. I was his, and my poor heart couldn’t process how much I wanted more, so much more than this too short encounter with this man who was now making me beg.

“I love…more…please…”

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, then sat back on his heels and reached for something on the floor. A packet of condoms, I realised, as he expertly rolled one onto his swollen length. In something of a desperate frenzy, I flipped onto my stomach, burrowing my feverish head into the cool pillow. The fading light from the window was still too sharp on my eyes, my very existence feeling like it was floating in some kind of twilight zone.

“It’s okay,” he said. “You’re doing so good. Look at you. You’re just gorgeous. Perfect. If you hadn’t trusted me and told me this was your first time, I would never have known. You’re loose and relaxed, and you’ll take me all the way in without any problems. Just let yourself feel, because it’s an amazing feeling to have someone inside you. You’ll feel so full and stretched that your mind goes blank with sensations. But don’t be scared. Just allow yourself to enjoy it. You only have your first time once, and I want to make it perfect.”

Then all I heard was the squelch and slap of lube as he coated his cock, my hole and my insides with confident strokes followed by more slippery cool sloppiness, smooth movements and soothing words. With his arms either side of me, holding himself up, he placed a small kiss on my shoulder.

“Spread your legs, baby, and relax. Push a little against me and let me in. It will start feeling amazing once you get used to it, I promise. Just grit through the stretch, and I will make you feel… Oh god, I can’t believe I’m doing this, that I’m getting to top you. All of you. This body. Insane.”

He was rambling, and my body tensed up as he pushed against my hole. I couldn’t help it. He wasn’t huge, so I wasn’t worried. I’d played with myself; I knew I could take it. Not that this felt anything like my pathetic self-fingering. There was an insane stretch and more pain than I was frankly fine with, but he was gentle and careful, pushing into me at a slow pace, leaving me breathless as he finally bottomed out, his body coming to rest on top of me, his mouth panting heavily into my neck.

“Fuck you. Fuck you, you feel amazing. How will anything ever top this? You underneath me like this? Jamie, fuck, I think I do love you. Forever and always. Promise this isn’t the last time. Promise we’ll do this again. Fuck. Promise me.”

“I promise,” I groaned, my head too fuzzy to focus. There was movement; awkward discomfort as he shifted his hips; small gentle thrusts against my buttocks as he leaned in and kissed me; pecked at my neck; whispering foreign sounding words in my ear. He told me I was beautiful. Sexy. Wonderful and kind. He told me everything I needed to hear. He said I was his, over and over.

I struggled to reply, only gritting out non-words that grew stronger as I started to understand what he’d promised me. It started feeling good, and I relaxed, enjoying the strange sensation of him moving inside my body.

I loved the weight of him on top of me. The laboured breathing. The damp sweat from his skin against my back. The way he held himself up, then moved my legs so he could slam into me at a different angle. He grabbed my hips, positioning me like a willing ragdoll, and I still pleaded for more. I was yanked up on all fours, him fucking me with such fervour I could barely hold myself together. He shouted words; words I grunted back, the bad language coming out of his perfect, pretty mouth joining my near-violent outbursts, egging him on to go faster, harder. Somehow, I was managing to jerk myself off while he supported us both with his arm around my chest and then bit down into my shoulder as his orgasm tore through him. He stilled, indecipherable hissed syllables escaping his gritted teeth. There was hot breath on my back and a cloud of static in my head as my hand, moving at an insane speed, ripped my climax from my poor, battered body.

My brain re-engaged, and I marvelled at what we had done—the sparkling proof on the sheet underneath me, that I could love a man as much as I could love a woman. When it came down to the basics, it was sex and feelings, mixed into a whirlpool of emotions that made me grin so wide my cheeks ached. I had an amazing gift, knowing I had so much love to give, that I could, probably, one day be happy with whomever my heart settled on. And perhaps that day was happening right now.

As I fell back onto the bed with this man of mine wrapped around my back, I finally accepted I was free to be whomever I wanted to be, and I wanted to be me. This me, lying here with Leo’s hand cupping my chin so he could lean over and lazily kiss my lips—lips that were raw and sore from all the kissing and biting down on them while his hands had so wonderfully played my body into an orgasm that had shattered my little universe into tiny sprinkles of bliss.

I was good. I was happy. I grabbed his hand and kissed his fingers. Those fingers that smelled a little of me.

“Love me forever,” I whispered.

“Always,” he whispered back. “Promise you’ll stay.” I heard the plea in his voice, but I’d have promised anyway. I would stay for as long as he wanted me to.

I turned to face him and allowed myself the luxury of just lying there watching him breathe, his beautiful face relaxing more with each slow exhale. His eyes closed, and I wrapped my favourite little curl of his around my finger.

“Leo,” I said. “My Leo.”

“Jamie…” His eyelashes fluttered exhaustedly. “Just give me a few minutes to recover and I’ll get up and get us a drink.”

“No rush,” I said. “We have all the time in the world.”

We did. We had forever.