Fortunate Son by Jay Crownover

Bowe

I WAS SO disappointed.

My first real gig. My first real band. The first time on an actual stage, singing songs I wrote and breathed life into. The first time performing in front of my father as an actual musician… and none of it had lived up to my outrageous expectations.

It felt like I finally caught the only dream I’d ever chased since I was young, only to have it evaporate as soon as I touched it.

It wasn’t the crowd or how the band performed. It wasn’t the way we sounded or the response to the song we pounded our way through.

What killed me, what made me feel like I couldn’t breathe, and made me stumble more than once through the lyrics and chords, was exactly what Ry accused me of. My songs didn’t sound right. The meaning behind them seemed like it got totally lost as the rest of the band played them. Like someone else was speaking for me and trying to tell my story. I felt like a fraud. I felt like a coward. And I felt totally empty and hollowed out inside because everything I ever wanted was right at my fingertips, but I knew deep down in my gut there was no way I was going to be able to reach for it.

I sighed and leaned my head against the passenger window of Ry’s truck. I tilted the AC vent so that cool air was blasting directly in my face and eyes. I was hoping the shot of moving air was strong enough to keep the tears I felt threatening at bay.

“I told you I was a musician, that it’s who I am, and playing music is not simply what I do, but I think I lied to you. I might not know anything more about myself than you do, Archer.” Because if I were a real musician, I would’ve recognized long before he pointed it out to me that the only reason I felt like I needed to be part of a band, the only reason I was letting someone else play my songs incorrectly, was that I was trying to follow in my father’s footsteps exactly. It wasn’t my dream I was running down with everything I had in me… it was his.

Ry was quiet for a long time. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to figure out a way to comfort me or if he was scheming a way to go back on his promise to take me home and sleep with me.

Immediately after stepping off the stage, even amidst the congratulations and palpable excitement from the people around me, I was nearly suffocated by my crushing disappointment and disillusionment. I hated knowing I’d made such a big mistake. Even more so because I’d made it in front of the only two people I never wanted to see me falter. All I could think about was finding something, anything that would distract me from the soul-stripping defeat filling my heart. I couldn’t even look at the rest of my band, and I was too embarrassed to stick around and watch real performers, ones who knew what they were doing. I knew the only thing that would take me out of my own head and the spiral of shame I was diving into was something else just as exhilarating as standing under the lights in front of a microphone.

I told Ry I would sleep with the first guy who gave me the go-ahead if he turned me down, but I was bluffing.

He was the only one who had ever been able to wind me up to the point where I couldn’t feel or think about anything else but him. He was the only one who invaded my mind and made my body react against my better judgment.

He was the only one who forced me to focus on something other than my desire to make music. When he touched me, when he kissed me, when his body was moving over and under mine, it wasn’t song lyrics and beautiful melodies that flooded my brain and made my blood sing.

It was him.

It always had been.

“All those small gigs you played leading up to this one, all the time you spent practicing, all the emotional investment you put into getting to this point, those are things musicians do, Bowe. It’s not just getting on stage. It’s not just playing the instrument and writing the songs. It’s everything that gets you to the point where you’ve earned your spot on the stage. It’s no different than being an athlete. It’s not just playing the game or winning. It’s everything that gets you on the field. Once you’re there, you might win, you might lose, but either way, you put in the work to get there, and that shouldn’t ever be discounted. Losing one game doesn’t make you any less of an athlete.”

Surprisingly, his analogy made me feel slightly better. I sighed again and tilted my head to look at his profile. It was just as perfect as the rest of him, minus a slight bump in the bridge of his nose. I knew he’d broken it when he was younger, and not even on the football field. He’d gotten into a fight defending Daire and got sucker-punched. There was a muscle twitching in his cheek that let me know he was conflicted about agreeing to my proposition. I couldn’t blame him. The last time we hooked up, I disappeared on him and ignored him for years. I was protecting myself. I was giving my heart time to heal from the beating it took because of him. I had no idea the distance bothered him to the extent it did.

I would never forget the way my chest felt like it was going to cave in when he told me the next morning that he didn’t think we were a good fit. I was too young, too hard-headed, too sensitive where he was concerned to have a conversation beyond those painful words. No one wanted to hear that they just gave their first time away to someone who wasn’t going to value it. That it didn’t mean the same thing to them that it meant to you. Ry and I spent our entire childhood circling each other like hungry predators. We were bound to end up biting one another and leaving scars. I’d been so focused on my own scars, it never occurred to me that he had his own to deal with.

He moved on so fast, and even if that relationship didn’t last, it still seemed like the spot I’d always occupied in his life had been easily replaced.

“Does that mean I just lost a bowl game?” I tried to inject some humor into my tone, but I could hear I fell short.

Ry snorted and turned his head to quickly glance at me. Even in the dark interior of the truck cab, his pale eyes seemed iridescent. “No. This was like a scrimmage against a pro team. You can evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. You can determine what you need to do to perform better next game.”

“I think maybe I was playing with the entirely wrong team.” I loved Joey as a person and appreciated Driver’s talent and enthusiasm when he played, but as musicians, they were not on the same level as I was. Nyle was a solid musician, but recently it became apparent he was more interested in getting me into bed than he was in making amazing music. When Ry said they needed me more than I needed them, he wasn’t wrong. I’d been afraid to stand out there in front of the world on my own; I allowed myself to hide behind a band I didn’t really want to be part of and didn’t push to be any better than they already were. I believed it would be good enough to stand on stage and play my songs, no matter how good or bad they sounded.

I was wrong.

It was killing me to know the first time I got to perform them for real and not during a practice run, they sounded all wrong.

Ry snorted and jerked his gaze back to the road so he didn’t miss the turnoff for my neighborhood.

“Sometimes winning and losing isn’t about the team, but about an individual player. There are plenty of instances where a single, standout player carried an entire game.”

I grumbled in irritation under my breath as he pulled to a stop in front of my house. I hated how good he was at seeing the situation, and how he broke it down in terms that were relatable to his own experience. All I ever focused on was our numerous differences. It was safer for me to believe we shared no common ground. However, listening to him try and relate to me tonight, instead of having him gloat that he was right and had already pointed out I had a serious problem, made me realize we operated on a very similar wavelength.

He understood me better than most. He might be the only person who would get why I was so let down after the set we played tonight.

“I really have no idea what I’m doing.” But whatever move I made, I was pretty sure it was going to let a lot of people down.

My mom was going to be upset that I quit school to form a band, only to realize being in a band wasn’t what I wanted. It was like I’d dropped out twice.

My dad was going to be upset that I wasn’t more honest with myself from the start and had been so busy trying to be like him, I forgot to be myself.

The members of the band were going to be rightfully pissed that I pulled the plug, right on the cusp of us having a big break. It wasn’t only an opportunity for myself I was about to abandon, but theirs as well.

Ry’s arm reached out across the space between us, and I felt his fingers slide through my hair. A moment later, they curled around my ear, tucking away the long, brightly colored strands so he could clearly see my face. A shiver danced down the side of my neck at the light caress, and my breath caught in my throat.

“That makes two of us. I didn’t know what I was doing when I got in my truck and drove down here to see you. I didn’t know what I was doing when I decided to stay. I have no clue why I agreed to sleep with you again when the last time nearly destroyed us. We may seem like we’re opposites in every way possible, but all the things we don’t know for certain, and all the things we know to be absolutely true, are exactly the same. They always have been.”

His thumb skimmed across my cheek then dropped to rub across my bottom lip. My lips parted in surprise, and I had to fight the urge to stick my tongue out to chase the gentle touch.

“What do we both know that is absolutely true?” It didn’t seem like there would be that many things, so I was honestly curious.

He grinned at me, shifting his hand so his fingers were holding my chin and I couldn’t turn my head to break the intensity of his gaze burning into mine.

“We know that no matter how rough one day might be, another sunny day will show up. We know that you can’t get anything you want without hard work and dedication, and even if you get it, it might not be all you expected it to be.” I wondered if he was talking about his relationship with Aston, but he kept going and didn’t give me an opening to ask. “We both know what it’s like to disappoint our parents and to have expectations put on us that are hard to live up to.” That was all true, but wasn’t it the same for most people our age? That tenuous time when you were stepping out on your own and trying to figure out who you were going to be without the influence of those who raised you was challenging for everyone who reached adulthood. Learning from experiences was a whole different ball game than following the example set by your parents and loved ones.

Ry applied a little bit of pressure and lifted my face upward. I put a hand around his wrist and gasped lightly when I felt the way his pulse was thundering under his skin. He sounded so cool and composed, I had no clue his heart was racing as fast, or even faster, than mine.

“We both know being alone together is never going to be easy. And that the way we feel about each other is far more complicated than anyone else would ever guess. We both know we started something years ago that never got the ending it deserved, because I fucked it up. We moved too fast, and I hurt you. I don’t think I understood just how bad until recently.” Suddenly he shifted and was a lot closer than I was ready for. I felt like I couldn’t escape the heat in his eyes, or the warmth that was seeping into my skin from where he touched me. “We both know you’re really important to me.”

Just as his lips were about to touch mine, I breathed out an automatic denial. “I don’t know that.”

If I was so damn important to him, how did he manage to replace me so fast?

Ry smiled, his teeth flashing white in the darkness. The slight, sinister edge to his expression should’ve scared the hell out of me. Instead, it turned me on. I liked it a little bit too much when he let that little monster he had inside peek out from inside of its cage.

“Now you really are lying to me, Bowe. Don’t pretend like you don’t know just how special you are.” It was on the tip of my tongue to ask him how he could say that with a straight face. He had to know it didn’t feel great to hear that he had moved on with Aston almost as soon as I made way for her. But tonight wasn’t about clearing up old grievances and setting the record straight.

No. Tonight I just needed him to make me feel like I was as special as he said I was. I craved the distraction and the blissful moments of oblivion I knew I would only experience once I lost myself in the boy sitting beside me. He was the only one who offered me an escape and the only one I’d ever wanted to escape from. Ry Archer had me all twisted up, both coming and going, which is why I believed it was best to cut him out of my life almost completely. I didn’t want him to be the first thing I thought about when I got up in the morning, and I definitely didn’t need him following me into my dreams. I was pretty sure I was to the point where Ry was mostly a memory…until he showed up and shook my world down to its core.

I was fooling myself to think I would be able to forget him. Guys like Ry were unforgettable.

Since he was already close enough to kiss, I lifted my hand and curled it around the back of his neck. His skin was warm under my fingertips, and I felt like those icy eyes of his were looking all the way through me as I leaned forward to barely touch my lips to his.

“Another thing we both know is that this is a mistake. It was a disaster back then. It’ll be a bigger one tonight. But even though we both know that, it’s a mistake we’re going to make over and over again until it doesn’t feel like it’s something we shouldn’t be doing.” Ry’s words drifted over my mouth as I tried to kiss him into silence. I didn’t want his logic or his patience and understanding. I wanted his body and blinding passion to block out everything else I didn’t want to deal with at the moment. “I think we also know that you promised not to forget me if we do this, but that’s not a promise you plan to keep. You can hate me, Bowe. But you aren’t allowed to forget about me.”

I frowned at him, ready to offer a rebuttal. It sounded like he was looking for an excuse to back out of our deal now that he had me home and I was safe from prowling for a one-night stand. I was going to chew him out and tell him I didn’t appreciate his slick maneuvering when he shocked me by suddenly shifting so his mouth was pressed firmly over mine.

He took advantage of my parted lips, immediately slinking his tongue inside the damp opening and flicking it across mine in an almost playful manner. However, nothing about the way he kissed me felt lighthearted or careless. He kissed the breath out of me with intent, with single-minded focus and deliberation. He kissed me to the point I couldn’t think straight, and I forgot we were once again on the cusp of an argument. He kissed me so deeply and thoroughly, I never even got the chance to refute that we were making a mistake, or that I would still hold a grudge against him once we were done.

I couldn’t silence a moan when his lips moved from devouring my mouth to drifting lightly down the side of my neck. I felt the nip of his teeth against my pulse-point as his fingers coasted up the outside of my thigh. Tiny prickles of pleasure followed wherever his fingers touched, and my blood started to feel like it was bubbling under my skin. There was a buzzing in my ears and tingles racing up and down my spine that very much distracted me from all the bad feelings I’d been choking on earlier.

So did the obvious bulge behind Ry’s zipper when he moved even closer to me. It was one thing to throw the prospect of sex out there in the heat of the moment. It was another to come face to face, or rather cock to pussy, with the reality of jumping back into bed with the only boy who came close to breaking my heart.

“Let’s go inside.” It was a struggle for me to get the words out.

Ry didn’t disagree. Instead, his wide palm cupped the back of my head, protecting it from slamming against the window as he leaned into me, pressing me into the door. I had to swallow a moan back when his broad chest rubbed tantalizingly against mine. There were many noticeable ways Ry had changed over the years, and the tangible strength and hardness of his body was one of them. Another was his new uncertainty about who he was as a man beyond the assigned roles he’d always played. It was that tiny dent in his armor that I found so appealing and it was that very thing that had kept me from chasing him away when he came crashing back into my life, all vulnerable and heartbroken.

It was always his weaknesses that I found so attractive. They were so much harder to find than his strengths, and I felt like he only showed them to a select few.

I had always been one of the lucky ones.