Fortunate Son by Jay Crownover

Ry

IF ANYONE ASKED me what I thought oblivion would feel like, my guess would’ve been quiet, mellow, and peaceful. I assumed everything would be black and dull. I figured it would be warm, like floating in water and feeling weightless and light.

None of that was the case.

My oblivion was so bright and hot it burned. There was nothing dull about it. There was too much of everything happening at once, and instead of feeling buoyant, I felt like I was being dragged down. Every minute I sank deeper and deeper into pain and disorientation. I heard a bunch of different voices begging me to open my eyes and ordering me not to die. I felt hands moving all over me—some to comfort, others to heal. Flashes of memories rattled my brain, but I felt like I couldn’t grab onto any of them. I had visions and saw scenes that laid out my life up until now. Some tried to show me what might be if I fought just a little bit longer. They repeatedly tried to flare to life, only to quickly blink away when I began to focus on them. It was too much. And for the first time in my life, I contemplated giving up.

I considered letting go.

I thought it might be the only way to stop the pain, and the only way to shut off the intense, unrelenting light.

None of the disembodied voices were enough to pull me back. None of the hands trying to hold onto me were strong enough to keep me from falling further into the bright abyss threatening to swallow me up.

I just wanted it all to stop.

But just when I was about to surrender to the all-encompassing agony, just when I was going to follow the hot, glaring stars to wherever they were trying to lead me, I finally latched onto a vision that solidified and came in crystal clear.

At first, I thought I was looking at my dad. I expected him to tell me I made my mom and sister cry, so I was indefinitely on his shit list. I knew he was really worried about me as well, but making my mom cry was unforgivable in his eyes. I was ready to apologize and assure him I hadn’t meant to end up in such a state, but as long as Daire was okay, it didn’t matter that I felt like I’d been run over by a steamroller. The words didn’t come, but as the image got closer, I realized that it wasn’t my dad, but someone who looked just like him.

Their eyes were the same.

The dark hair and height were the same.

The crooked smile that seemed to hold a lot of secrets was the same.

The only difference was this guy didn’t have any tattoos.

I imagined this is what my dad looked like when he was a teenager because the person standing in front of me wasn’t any older than I was. This guy looked like the type most people would assume my mom was married to when they heard about her career and learned what type of family she came from. I could tell, even through all the pain and light that was blinding me, that this man loved my mom and dad. He was delighted they were together. I could tell he loved me and he was here to tell me not to give up.

It wasn’t time to concede.

It wasn’t time to surrender.

It was time to fight.

“I’ve been compared to you my whole life. They were pretty big shoes to fill. I hope I made you proud.” I wasn’t sure if I spoke the words aloud or just thought them.

Either way, it seemed like the stranger with a familiar face understood. When he grinned at me and nodded, the similarities between him and my father were even more apparent.

“You are better than me in every way, Ry. You’re braver. You’re smarter. You’re more honest and kinder than I ever was. You figured out faster than I did that you’ll never be happy if you hide who you are from the world. I ran out of time to learn that lesson.” A black eyebrow arched upward as we stared at each other. “You’re also tougher than I am. I promise if you give up right now, you’ll regret it. If I could do everything all over again, I’d never stop fighting, even when it felt too hard.”

“I’ve always wanted to meet you. Do you know how much my dad misses you? How much our entire family misses you?”

The man Remy was named after, in whose shadow I’d always walked, nodded gravely. “I know. I miss everyone as well. But I have a purpose here. It’s my job to make sure none of us are reunited before it’s time. We’ll meet again, Ry. Not a second before we’re meant to, though. I can be really stubborn when I want. Just ask your Uncle Rome when you wake up.”

“Everything hurts.” So bad. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted the lights out, and the heaviness that felt like it was crushing me to lift.

“I know it does. I promise you this pain is nothing compared to what will happen if you give up. Your sister will be destroyed. Your mom will never get over it, and your dad…” He trailed off and shook his head. “He barely survived when I went away. I’m not sure he’ll pull through if he has to go through the same thing all over again. They need you.”

I knew that. I really did. I just wasn’t sure that was enough to pull me out of the illuminated void that felt like it was getting bigger the longer I was surrounded by the light and the emptiness.

“I’m not going to be the same if I wake up, am I?” And maybe that was why the temptation to submit to the ease of letting go was so strong. It was absolutely terrifying to think of how different things would be when I was no longer able to do half the things I used to do.

How would my family react?

How would Bowe?

She and I had barely made any headway, and whatever our relationship was, it was all still new and fragile. Was it too much to expect her to adjust to loving a whole new version of me when she’d just started to soften toward the old one?

“No one will be the same when you wake up. When you almost lose someone you love, it changes who you are. It makes you evaluate the things that are really important and what you can live without. I had someone who I loved. Someone very special. I know now that the fear of losing my ability to play sports, of losing the mask I hid behind, is nothing compared to the terror I felt giving up that person. Don’t be like the worst parts of me, Ry. I would hate that for you. The people who love you need you, but you need them as well. Are you ready to give them up?”

There was a right choice and a wrong one, and if you weren’t careful when you chose, the consequences could be more than one person was able to bear.

“I’m not ready.” There was still too much life to live and too many experiences left to have. My plan might’ve been blown to hell, and my future might be unclear, but I wasn’t willing to walk away from the people I loved because I was scared of the unknown.

My Uncle Remy was right. I hurt from head to toe, but it didn’t compare to the hurt in my heart when I thought about not seeing my family and Bowe ever again.

“See, you’re not too much like me. You’re better. Wake up and live your best life. Make me proud. Be sure to take care of your dad for me.”

My head started to feel fuzzy, and finally the light that had been blinding me started to dim. Darkness was creeping in around the edges of my vision, and some of the heaviness holding me down lifted.

“You know, not a day goes by when you aren’t missed like crazy.”

He chuckled lightly and grinned at me. For some reason, I thought he looked even sadder than my dad often did. “I know. I feel it right here.” He tapped his chest where his heart would be beating if this was real and not just some wild fever dream or drug-induced hallucination. “I miss everyone too. Tell your cousin that I never meant for her to end up with my luck in love as well as my name. I feel like I owe her an apology for saddling her with both. If any of you kids really takes after me, it’s her. Poor thing.”

I felt like I was suddenly hit with a bucket of ice water, and everything burning inside of me was soothed. It was finally dim enough I no longer felt blinded, and that floaty, light feeling I’d been longing for finally found me. The voices calling to me didn’t sound blurred together, and I could tell whomever was touching me was doing their damnedest to keep me with them.

I still hurt, and it was still a little bit too much. Fortunately, it wasn’t overwhelming anymore, and I knew no matter what, I was going to wake up.

I cast one last look at the man who had defined so much of my life. The image of him that seemed so solid and so real started to get fuzzy and fade away. I wished there was more time so I could ask him everything I’d often been curious about. He said we’d meet again, and even if he was just a figment of my fractured, pain-addled imagination, I believed him. It made whatever was waiting in the unknown less scary and made me feel like there was never going to be a point where I ended up alone.

That icy feeling that pulled me back from the brink of whatever deep, dark pit I was about to vanish into spread steadily through my body. It made my fingers twitch and forced my lungs to contract. Everything went from dark to light and back to dark again, which had me ready to freak out. Then, I opened my eyes directly into a light held by my mom as she leaned over me. I blinked rapidly in reaction and tried to move my head. I learned really quickly moving at all wasn’t a good idea. I also figured out pretty fast I couldn’t talk because there was something shoved down my throat. It might’ve hurt beyond imagination when I was trapped in the bright light, but it was nothing compared to the agony radiating throughout my limbs now that I was conscious.

My mom’s expression changed drastically when our eyes locked. I watched the highly trained medical professional fade away as the overwhelmingly relieved mother took over. She immediately reached out to touch my face and smooth my hair back as tears dampened her eyes. I heard other voices in the room but couldn’t look away from my mother’s exhausted face.

I couldn’t talk and couldn’t move, but luckily, she always knew me better than I knew myself. She answered all the questions I would’ve asked if I’d been able.

“You’re in rough shape, kiddo. You’ve got serious injuries from the top of your head all the way down to your toes. We’ve got you on some heavy-duty pain killers, so everything is probably going to be fuzzy for a bit. You were unconscious for two days. You had a really serious operation, and you’ve got metal rods and screws holding your bones in place, so we kept you under to help with pain management.” She let out a long breath, and I noticed how pale she looked. “There was an unexpected complication when you were under. The operating surgeon found a tear in your liver that was more difficult to deal with than anticipated. Your prognosis was questionable for a minute, but luckily the team got it under control and stopped the bleeding. The good news is that there’s nothing that was broken that we couldn’t fix or patch back together. You’re looking at a long road to recovery, but you’re going to be fine.” She sniffed loudly and said something to another doctor who appeared next to her. She spoke in complex medical jargon for a few minutes before turning her attention back to me. “Your sister made it out with mostly bumps and bruises. She’s black and blue all over and worried sick about you, but she’s going to be all right as well. You were both so lucky, Ry. That pileup killed three people, left one paralyzed from the waist down, and seriously injured twelve others. You saved your sister’s life when you pushed her out of the way. Because of you, she managed to run away from oncoming traffic and the cars that were out of control. She got hit with some debris that went flying when her car got smashed, but I promise she’s fine. When I tell you that you must have had a guardian angel looking out for you that night, I’m not exaggerating. The accident pushed your truck forward and sideways into you, which did most of the damage. But it also covered you and protected you from the rest of the cars in the collision. You were right in the middle of one of the worst accidents I’ve ever seen, and you survived. It’s a miracle.”

She wiped away her tears and bent down so she could kiss my cheek. She must’ve thought it was a safe spot and wouldn’t hurt me too badly if she touched it, but she was wrong. The entirety of my skin felt like it was one throbbing, exposed nerve.

“Everyone has been on pins and needles waiting for you to wake up. Your dad and sister are practically living in the waiting room, and Bowe’s been by your bedside constantly until we chased her out and forced her to take care of herself. You have a lot of people pulling for you, Ry. Thank you for coming back.”

She was crying in earnest now, and I could see that she was shaking. A nurse stopped to ask her if she was okay, but she waved her away. My mom struggled to pull herself together and cleared her throat.

“You had a collapsed lung and fluid in your chest cavity. There was also some swelling and bruising to your other lung, so you’ve been intubated. You won’t be able to talk for a bit, but I’ll have them remove it as soon as it’s safe. We have to run a bunch of tests now that you’re awake, okay? It’s going to be annoying and uncomfortable, but they are necessary to make sure you’re healing inside and out, so bear with the staff that’s about to be in and out of here bugging you every hour.”

I would’ve nodded or given her a thumbs up if I could move without feeling like I was being devoured by hungry fire ants. All I could do was blink to respond. I honestly wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep my eyes open. The lights in this room were nowhere near as painful as the ones in my version of oblivion. I didn’t want to go back to wherever it was that I was able to see Uncle Remy, but staying awake while my body throbbed and ached to the point I wanted to throw up didn’t sound like much fun either.

However, I tolerated being poked and prodded and jabbed with needles for what felt like forever because my mom promised she would bring Bowe in to see me as soon as she let the rest of my family know I was awake.

I stayed as still as possible and tried to hold on until those familiar gold eyes came into sight.

Bowe looked just as haggard as my mom. Apparently, she was all cried out though, because her eyes remained dry as she looked down at me. It was fine with me that she wasn’t crying. I was pretty sure I had enough pent-up tears for the both of us. I don’t know why looking at her broke the dam, but I could feel wetness on my face and lashes as I blinked rapidly.

Bowe reached out and gently wiped the moisture away. A trembling smile played around her lips as she exhaled long and slow while softly stroking my face. “Welcome back, Archer. I missed you more these two days than I did the entire two years we were apart.”

I wanted to tell her she was one of the main reasons that I opened my eyes. I wanted to let her know she was worth living for. I wanted to beg her not to leave me even if I would be a whole lot to handle in an entirely new way. I wanted to promise her that whatever happened in the future between us would be worth the struggle we were about to go through together.

But more than any of that, I wanted to let her know I was in love with her and had been for as long as I could remember. I had to come back and let her know.

She made a pained sound low in her throat and reached for my hand. She tenderly touched my fingertips and whispered, “Thank God we got more time to figure out how to be in love with one another. We’ve always been too early or too late, but this time, the clock stopped and let us catch up. I would never forgive you if you left me before I got the chance to tell you that I love you.” She stared down at me with a soft smile on her face. “I was on the verge since we were dumb kids, but thinking about what life would be like without you, I know for sure the way I feel about you isn’t something simple, or something that I’m ever going to be able to forget. You’ve always been my first love. I’m pretty sure you’re also going to be my last, Ry.”

I was so mad that I couldn’t respond to her. I wanted to tell her she was going to be my one and only, and my first and last as well. I wanted to let her know the only place on my body that didn’t hurt like hell at the moment was my heart. Somehow, someway, she kept it safe while the rest of me went through the wringer. I hoped my eyes conveyed how much I was feeling and how grateful I was to be alive. I hoped she could see how much she meant to me.

Glowing, warm gold that soothed me all the way to my soul was the last thing I remembered before I finally found an oblivion that didn’t feel like hell on earth. I could spend some time in this one because I knew who was waiting for me on the other side.