Between Never and Forever by Brit Benson

33

It’sclose to three in the morning when Levi is finally discharged.

Three staples for the gash on his head, but his scans came back clean. Nothing to worry about. Just a mild concussion, and he was sent home with headache medicine and instructions to rest. No work until he checks in with his primary care doctor in a few days. I’ve volunteered to stay overnight with him, just in case, and then I have to turn him over to Sharon.

To my mother.

Listening to him talk on the phone to her was awkward as hell.

I could hear her clearly. She was terrified. She wanted to come get him from the hospital, but he told her to stay home and let Brynn sleep.

Sharon was concerned like a mother would be for a child, and I couldn’t fight the jealousy that surged through me at that thought. But am I jealous of Levi, or of my mother? My thoughts are too jumbled to make sense of, and my adrenaline is starting to wear off, but I’m good at running on no sleep. I’ve had lots of practice. While Levi dozes in the passenger seat, I’m wide awake with my eyes on the road.

I keep glancing at him, though. Making sure he’s breathing. Every time we pass under a light on the highway, I check his face. His forehead is scrunched while he sleeps, his face stern. Every so often, he’ll make a soft noise or stir slightly. I get the sense he’s having bad dreams, and all I want to do is pull over to the side of the road and hug him to me.

It always used to be Levi taking care of me. Worrying about me. Holding me when I felt like I was falling apart. For the first time, I’m on the other side of that dynamic, and it breaks my heart. Is this how he always felt? All those times when we were kids, seeing me crawl through his window broken and beaten down? Did it hurt him like this? Did it make him feel angry and sad and guilty all at once?

The things I must have put him through.

My mind goes to the night on the beach in Miami. How he took care of me. He was so gentle. So loving. He never once judged me. Never abandoned me.

He would have stayed had I not kicked him out of my house. I know that. I’ve always known that. But I also know that it wouldn’t have lasted. Eventually, he’d have left. He wouldn’t have had a choice. Whether it was for Julianna or the baby or school, he’d have had to leave, and it would have broken me. It used to make me deeply, thoroughly sad. I used to get so lost thinking about, and I always ended up finding myself at the bottom of a bottle.

Or worse.

When I think of Brynnlee, though, I smile.

For years, I hated her. I didn’t know her—didn’t know if she was a boy or a girl, what she looked like, what her name was. I knew nothing, but I hated her.

Or at least, I tried to tell myself I did.

But then I’d get high and dream of Levi as a dad. See him holding a small baby. Singing it to sleep. Feeding it a bottle. I’d see him pushing a young child on a swing, or reading it a story, and all I could think about was how lucky that child would be to have Levi as a dad. How safe and warm and loved he’d make that baby feel. In those moments, I couldn’t pretend I hated that baby. I loved them with my entire being, simply because Levi loved them.

I still do, and it is a poignant adoration.

Brynnlee’s happiness is the result of my own loss, and though it aches, I wouldn’t change it.

When I pull up to the set barricade outside of Levi’s house, Red puts his car in park and climbs out. He chats with the security guard, and the guard removes the barricade and lets us pull through. I park the truck in Levi’s driveway and turn off the engine. The moment the radio quiets, he stirs awake.

“We’re here,” I say softly.

He nods and looks around, groggy and slow-moving from sleep. Red comes to his door and opens it, then helps Levi climb out. The doctor said dizziness will be normal, especially for the next twenty-four hours, so we need to watch him closely.

We make our way into the house, kicking our shoes off in the mudroom off the garage. Levi seems to be moving fine. I can tell he hurts, he’s sore and aching, but he doesn’t seem disoriented. I follow him into the kitchen and get him a glass of water so he can take some of the medicine the doctor gave him.

“You’re staying here, then?” His voice cuts through the silence, and though it’s subtle, I can hear the hope in it.

“Yeah, I am. Sharon will be here tomorrow, but tonight...” I shrug. “I’m all yours.”

Red makes the decision to sleep in my trailer across the street. It took some convincing, but he finally caved when I pointed out that he could see the house perfectly through the trailer door.

Once Red leaves, I follow Levi up the stairs and when we reach the landing, he turns to face me.

“Stay with me,” he whispers, and I nod immediately.

“Of course.”

He takes my hand and pulls me into a small bedroom. The size would suggest it’s a guest room, but it’s obviously Levi’s room. The bedding is rumpled. The closet is full. There’s a phone charger plugged in by the side of the bed and a book lying on the nightstand. I look around for an attached bathroom, but I don’t find one.

“Is this the primary bedroom?” I ask, and he freezes, swallowing once before he answers.

“No. The primary is down the hall.”

“This is a guest bedroom?”

He shrugs. “It’s my bedroom. The primary is the guest bedroom now.”

I study him, lips pursed, as I try to untangle the meaning behind this. I wait for him to tell me more. He blinks slowly, and I can’t tell if his pause is due to the concussion or a reluctance to explain further. Just as I’m about to ask, he speaks.

“The other bedroom was Julianna’s. Once she passed, I just made it a guest bedroom. No point in me moving rooms. I like it here just fine.”

“You and Julianna didn’t share a room?” I ask in disbelief.

I let the rest of the question hang between us. They didn’t share a bed?

“Never.” Levi shakes his head. “I told you. I didn’t love her. I married her to help out, to keep Brynn safe, but I didn’t love Julianna, and she didn’t love me.”

I swallow, trying to force back the lump that’s formed in my throat.

“Was that weird for Brynn?”

Levi chuckles once, and it’s dark sounding. “Brynn understands.”

“Wow. I guess I thought...well, I guess I don’t know what I thought.”

He was married to Julianna for almost four years, and they never shared a bed. Does that mean they never slept together at all? When I glance at him, the question must be written in my expression, because he gives me a sad smile.

“Just the once, Rockstar. That was it.”

The once. Just the once.

“Come lie down with me,” he says, taking my hand once more and leading me to the bed, and I follow. When he winces taking his shirt off, I stop him, and bring his hands to his sides.

“Let me.”

I keep my eyes on his face as I untie his swim trunks, then push them down his thighs until they drop to his ankles. I put my hands on his waist and walk him backward until he sits on the bed. He spreads his legs wide for me and I step between them before reaching for the hem of the shirt he’s wearing. Slowly, I inch the shirt up his back, careful not to bump the bandages covering his cuts, and work it over his head until I can pull it down his arms and drop it on the floor next to the swim trunks.

The desire to look him over is almost too much, so when he leans back, propping himself on outstretched arms, I don’t fight it. I let my eyes take him in. I look over every single part of him, glowing silver in the moonlight streaming from the windows.

His chest, though marred now with scratches from the river, is sculpted to perfection. I want to trail my fingers down his abs, tracing the strip of hair that leads to his pelvis. When I get to his hips, I suck in a breath and my thighs squeeze together.

Levi is hard, dick jutting out proudly between his muscular thighs, and my fingers tingle. My mouth waters. None of my memories, not a single drunken dreamscape, did him justice. How long ago was it that I had him in my hands? In the rainstorm after he’d made me come on his tongue. A week? Two weeks?

It was too long.

I lick my lips and force myself to bring my eyes back to his.

“Your turn,” he rasps, and I don’t waste time.

I strip off my tank top, then my cut off shorts, until I’m standing in just my simple Walmart one-piece swimsuit. He sits up straighter, and I walk to him without a word. I know what he wants because I want it too.

I step back between his legs and drop my arms to my sides as he reaches up and hooks his fingers in my swimsuit straps. Slowly, he pulls them down my arms, then tugs the snug fabric down the curves of my hips and over my ass. It drops to the floor, and I step out of it.

Like he did for me, I let him look. My skin burns where his gaze touches. My nipples pebble. My pussy throbs. With a featherlight touch, he trails his fingertips over my skin. My collarbone, between my breasts, circling both nipples before brushing down my stomach to my belly button.

By the time he reaches my pelvis, I’m panting. My chest is rising and falling rapidly just inches from his face, and he slides his fingers through me. I gasp, and he drops his head to my chest with a groan.

I place my hands on his shoulders, squeezing tightly, as he swipes through me once more, then rubs my arousal on my clit. I moan.

“I want you so badly,” I rasp out, moving slowly on his hand. “God, Levi, I want you so fucking badly.”

He takes one of my nipples into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it as he presses a finger inside me. I cry out, squeezing his shoulders tighter and crushing his body to me. He presses hot kisses to my breasts, my collarbone, my neck, then uses the hand not working my pussy to grab my head and pull my lips to his.

He groans into my mouth as he kisses me. As he claims me. When he pushes a second finger into me, I cry out and thrust my fingers into his hair. He jerks at the same time my hands hit the back of his head, and I freeze. The cut on his head. Three staples.

“I’m fine,” he says, kissing me again. “It’s fine.”

My inhale and exhale are shaky as I put my hands back on his shoulders and gently push him away from me. I smile, then take a step back, so his hands leave my body at the same time mine leave his.

“You need rest,” I say firmly, and then I bark out a laugh when he pouts. 6 foot 2 inches of lean muscle, dick still rock hard between his legs, and he’s pouting at me like a child. I close the distance between us and press a soft, easy kiss to his lips.

“Hold me like you used to,” I whisper against him. “Please.”

He does exactly that. I crawl into bed after him, sliding under crisp, cool sheets, and curl up on his chest. Then I release an exhale that feels like eight years’ worth of hurt feelings and bad decisions. None of it matters anymore. Right now, I’m exactly where I belong.

Levi is right. The universe was never done with us. It was just biding its time.

I wake with the sun, blissful and wrapped comfortably in Levi’s strong arms.

Twice in the middle of the night, I woke with lyrics and music in my head. I had to reach for my phone and type them out in my notes app. I’ll transfer them to my notebook later, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the comfort of this bed. The comfort of Levi’s embrace.

Our legs are tangled together, our bodies twisted so intricately that we might as well be one. I pull back and look at him. His breathing is steady. His face soft and peaceful. I trace a finger down his cheek, and he flinches, scrunching his nose up. I stifle a giggle and press a soft kiss to his lips. He kisses me back, tightening his hold on me.

“Where are you going?” he grumbles against my lips, and I smile.

“I’m going to go make some coffee, and when I come back, I’m going to help you shower.”

“Hmmm.” He kisses me again. “Coffee is in the cabinet next to the fridge.”

Slowly, I untwine our arms and legs and scoot myself out of the bed. When I stand, his eyes track me. I raise an eyebrow and prop my hand on my naked hip.

“Seen enough?” I quip and he smirks.

“Never.”

I roll my eyes and fight my grin.

Instead of putting my tank and cutoffs back on, I saunter to his dresser on the far wall, making sure to put some extra sway in my hips with each step. He growls. I arch my back and glance at him over my shoulder, sending him a wink before opening one of his drawers and pulling out a blue East Coast Contracting shirt. Without turning around, I raise my arms above my head and let the shirt slide down my body. I pull it down over my breasts, but pull it taut at my waist, leaving my ass on display.

“You think that’s funny,” Levi grinds out.

I look at him over my shoulder once more and shrug, making my eyes wide and innocent.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

I poke out my lower lip and bat my lashes, but my eyes grow wider as Levi slowly pulls the bedsheet off his body and exposes his hard cock. He wraps a hand around his erection and squeezes, before stroking himself once.

“Don’t think just because I’ve got a concussion that I won’t grit my teeth and power through just to feel you clench around my cock when you come. You keep flaunting that tight little ass around, Savannah, and I might just have to fuck it.”

I gasp, tearing my eyes from his dick to his face. He smirks, tilting his head to the side as he strokes himself again.

“Have you done that before, Rockstar? Have you had someone take your ass?”

My core is on fire and throbbing. I’m wet, and my nipples are so hard they hurt. I answer him honestly with a slow shake of the head. I’ve never done it—never had the desire to—but right now? I might actually need it. The way my pussy clenches, the way my lower belly stirs, tells me I do.

Levi’s brown eyes go nearly black, and I watch as his jaw pops and his nostrils flare.

“I’m going to take your ass,” he says finally, his voice raw and rough.

I watch him move his hand up and down his hard cock as he speaks.

“I’m going to fuck your tight little ass with my cock, and your cunt with my fingers, and I’ll make you come so hard you’ll have tears streaming down your face from the force of it.”

My lips part, but no sound comes out. My whole body is tingling. I want him. I want him more now than ever before. He raises an eyebrow, the sexiest and most wicked challenge in his eyes.

“Speechless? Is your pussy aching and wet?”

I blink. I am, and it is. He doesn’t need confirmation. It’s obvious.

“Good. Go make me some coffee, Rockstar.”

My eyes narrow and I shake myself out of my lust-induced fog just enough to match his smirk and regain the upper hand. Sparring with Levi has always been fun. But sexy sparring? It might just be my new favorite thing.

“If I weren’t so worried about the long-term damage of restricting the blood flow to your brain right now, I’d take your cock down my throat and suck you dry.”

I snatch a pair of athletic shorts from his drawer and step into them, bending lower than necessary so he gets a full view of what exactly he’s done to my pussy. I tie the drawstring, then give him a sweet smile.

“Coffee, coming right up.”

He lets out a chuckle that sounds more like a groan as I skip out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

The house feels different without the crew and actors running around. It has a homey atmosphere that I couldn’t appreciate before. I walk to the sliding glass doors and open them, letting the sound of the water filter through the house. I take a deep breath, then scan the view. It’s beautiful.

“Off to the right, that’s where I wanted to put the pool.”

I jump at Levi’s voice, turning to find him leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed, watching me. Pajama pants cover the lower half that was exposed to me minutes earlier, and a tank top covers his top half. His biceps still bulge from his posture. His shoulders are still strong and stable.

To think I’d almost lost him yesterday. It makes me want to cry even now.

He drops his arms and pushes off the doorframe, then crosses the floor toward me. When he reaches me, he kisses my forehead, then slides his hands around my waist.

“I know you’re not a fan of the beach.”

It takes a moment to understand what he’s saying, but when it finally registers, my eyes widen, and I glance back to the place in the yard that he’d mentioned. A pool.

“You were going to put a pool in for me?” I whisper, and he smiles.

I glance out at the water again. I feel warm and relaxed. Safe. It’s like I almost belong here. Almost. Then I remember the primary bedroom. The wedding portrait in the formal dining room. The picture of Julianna and Brynn on the rope swing in the front yard. My shoulders tighten involuntarily, and I feel Levi stiffen as well. He sighs, then presses another kiss to my head.

“I know,” he whispers, and it’s sad. “I know.”

We break apart and he makes coffee. I make him take the medicine the doctor sent home. We’re about to take the coffee to the deck when there’s a knock at the front door. Levi leaves to open it. I hear him grunt, a bark, and then my menace of a dog barrels through the kitchen and bowls right into my legs. I spill the coffee all over the floor and collapse with the damn dog on top of me.

“Ziggs, oh my god, get off. I missed you too but get off, you moose.”

She doesn’t listen. She never does. She just covers me in dog slobber and traps me beneath her giant paws.

Red steps foot into the kitchen and stares at me with a bored face. He’s used to the lick attacks. I think he’s jealous he never gets any, but Ziggs prefers girls.

“Picked her up from the boarding place. She’d eaten the heads off every toy and destroyed the doggy couch, but apparently, everyone loves her.”

I snort. Red brought her to the boarder before the float trip because he didn’t trust her not to destroy my rental or trailer. Appears his fears were warranted.

“Because she’s so damn lovable,” I say with a grunt as I try to shove her off me. “Get off, Ziggy Lou.”

Red walks over and gives me a hand, pulling me to my feet. Ziggs licks my ankles, then freezes. Her ears perk up, and she looks back toward the front door.

“Oh shit,” I say, just as Ziggy takes off running.

I hear another grunt, then a bunch of giggles, and I slide into the foyer just in time to see Brynn on the floor with Ziggy on top of her. Levi is standing with his arms crossed, observing, and I laugh just before my eyes catch on the other person in the foyer.

My mom.

My laughter dies, sucked from me immediately, and my body goes rigid. I stare at her, and she stares back. I imagine the contrast in our faces must be comical. We look almost exactly alike, but my expression is shocked and hard. Hers is open and soft.

“Savannah,” she says quietly. Hopefully.

I swallow. I don’t speak. I feel everyone’s eyes on me, but the weight of Brynn’s is heavier than all of them combined. I glance at her and find her wide-eyed with concern. I force a smile.

“Hey, Boss.”

Levi’s hand comes down on Brynn’s shoulder, and he steers her out of the foyer without another word. Ziggy follows because she’s a traitor, but Red gives me a look that asks if he should stay or go. I consider it. I go back and forth, then I nod toward the kitchen, letting him know it’s okay to leave me here.

Once he’s gone, I look back at my mom.

“You look good,” she says with a timid smile. “You look beautiful. I’ve been following your career. You’re so talented, Savannah. I’m so pr—”

“Don’t. Don’t say that. I don’t want your approval. I don’t need it.”

My mom swallows hard and nods. “Of course.”

I look her over in the silence, pressing my toes hard against the wood floor to keep my balance. I feel unstable. I had a therapist in rehab tell me to use the 5-4-3-2-1 method whenever I started to feel like this. Like I was losing control. Five things I can see, four things I can touch, three things I can hear, two things I can smell, and one thing I can taste. I only get as far as seeing my mom’s face before I give up and decide to count my breaths until I get my bearings.

“You look good, too,” I say finally. “You look healthy.”

It’s honest. She does look good. I never, in my entire life, remember seeing her like this. She was always messed up and miserable. Using and being used.

“I’m three years sober.”

I nod. “I’m coming up on a year.”

I had been sober for a month before I checked myself in for my last rehab stint. Struggled through the European leg of our world tour. I just couldn’t do it after Jonah’s overdose. Every time I so much as looked at a substance, any powder or pill or bottle or needle, I saw him on that hotel room floor.

I spent eight weeks getting my head straight in the facility. Called Red and brought him on to be my personal security as soon as I got out. My old guy would get high with me all the time, and I couldn’t have that around me anymore. I tried to get back into performing after. I tried like hell to jump back in like nothing, to play our American shows with as much enthusiasm. But I couldn’t.

I was tired and jaded and on the verge of breaking, and the label never gave us down time. We’re not people to them. We’re money-making machines.

As I survey my mom, I can’t help but wonder what her reason was. It wasn’t me. I wasn’t enough for her to try and get clean. So, what did it?

“Why?” I ask. “Why three years ago, after I was gone, and not when I was here and needed you? What was more important than me?”

“Nothing has ever been more important to me than you.”

I almost believe her. I scoff and shake my head.

“That’s bullshit, and you know it. If that was true, you wouldn’t have waited so long to get clean.”

My mom closes her eyes and breathes deeply. I notice her hands shaking as she clasps them together.

“I have no excuse. I was a terrible mother, and I was weak. I let Terry control me. Let him do with me what he wanted, and I was too high to care what happened to myself. But I swear, Savannah, I did what I could to protect you. It wasn’t enough. I know that. But I always loved you. I always tried.”

She opens her eyes and looks at me with tears welling around her gray irises. Eyes just like mine. Weaknesses just like mine. Is she to blame? Are her parents? Where did it begin, this cycle of self-destruction? When does it finally end?

“I detoxed in the hospital after one of Terry’s friends...”

Her voice shakes and she closes her eyes again, clamping them this time as tears finally break past her lashes.

“He let them do it. I think he encouraged it. I was in the hospital for three weeks recovering and detoxing. When I was discharged, I went to the police and tipped them off about the drugs in the house. Terry had been going to parties. Selling to the college kids. Getting them to deal for him. Terry was arrested, and I haven’t seen him since. I followed the story for a bit. Eighty-eight months in prison. Potential for parole. Something about giving up his suppliers. Didn’t really hear much after that.”

She shrugs and silence surrounds us once more. I let her words wash over me, but I don’t speak. I wait, and when she realizes I want more, I’m giving her the space to explain, she doesn’t hesitate.

“Levi found me in one of the shelters after the hurricane. The house was decimated. Everything was gone. I was moments away from giving up, but he was delivering supplies and donations to the shelter and found me. Put me up in a hotel that day. Offered me the job a week later.”

At that, I don’t fight the smile that wants to break my lips. I don’t question the way my heart aches.

“Levi’s always had a savior complex,” I say.

Saving me. Saving my mom. Saving half the town, from what I’ve learned. Even his marriage to Julianna was out of some sense of duty. I’ve always thought of Levi as saint-like. More charitable and giving and caring than his own good. Too good for me.

My mother nods.

“He’s a good man, Savannah. I care about him and Brynn so much. I owe him so much.”

I let that sink in before I speak again. This time, my words are calm and controlled. Curious, but not angry.

“What have you been doing with the money?”

The money I’ve been depositing in her account every month since we signed with the label. I always assumed she was using it for drugs, but I’d always hoped she would use it to get away. To get clean.

“At first, I used it for what you think. Terry had open access to the bank account. After he left, I saved it. Used a bit of it to help me buy the house down the street. And now I put it into a savings account. Sort of a college fund, I guess.”

My eyes widen.

“For Brynn?”

My mom smiles softly, the love in her eyes undeniable.

“For Brynn.”

I break eye contact and look at my feet. I flex my toes against the hardwood again. I think of five things I see, four things I can touch, three things I can hear.

I understand how addiction can fuck you up. I understand how it affects the people you love. How you hurt the ones closest to you. I get it. I’ve lived it. I’m guilty of it.

“I don’t know if I can forgive you,” I confess to the floor. “I know I can’t just forget and move on.”

“I know. I would never ask you to. But...”

She hesitates, grappling for words. When I finally look back at her, her brows are furrowed and she’s crying silently again.

“I have always loved you. I hope someday you can believe that. And I hope...I hope that one day, you can understand that I’m different now. I know the damage I’ve caused. I’m so very sorry for it. I know it can’t be undone. But I have changed, Savannah. I’m trying every day to be better.”

I can see the honesty on her face. I can hear the truth in her words. I let them move from my head to my heart, and I will myself to accept them. Part of me doesn’t. I don’t know if it ever will. But another part of me? It already has.

“Okay,” I say quietly. “Okay.”