No Chance by Lisa Suzanne

CHAPTER 31: HANNAH

“Why don’t you go to the show and I’ll stay with the kids tonight?” I suggest to Amanda.

She gives me one of those looks like she never even thought of the possibility.

“Come on,” I goad her. “You know you want to.”

She laughs.

Danielle and I sit on the couch in Amanda and Dustin’s room while Amanda sits on the floor with the kids. We decided to get together for a late morning playdate while I assume the guys are off having some sort of band meeting. It’s a chance for the kids to move around in a bigger space than the bus provides and it also gives us ladies time to chat.

“But who will take pictures?” she asks.

“I wasn’t even here taking them up until a few nights ago, so I think they’ll be fine.” The truth is that I already told Brett I don’t want to be away from Chance, and he already agreed that it’s fine if I don’t snap pictures tonight.

It feels too soon to leave this little boy after he was just at the ER. I realize it wasn’t serious and it’s just an ear infection that’s already a whole lot better, but I need a night before I’m ready to just hand him over.

Amanda narrows her eyes at me. “Are you sure?”

I nod. “Positive. I’d love to do this for you.” We’re sort of our own little band of caretakers now. I’d like to say a band of mothers...but I’m not a mother and I won’t label myself as such. It feels too much like I’m taking that title from the woman who holds it, regardless of whether she’s here or not.

“I’d love to watch Dustin up on stage since I haven’t seen the full show this tour yet,” she admits.

“Then do it. We’ll be fine.”

Amanda and Danielle exchange a glance. Danielle nods, and Amanda grins. “Okay. We’ll do it.” She sniffs the air and makes a face. “I need to go change a diaper.”

Danielle and I laugh, and Amanda disappears into the bedroom.

“You doing okay?” Danielle asks as she turns in toward me on the couch. We both watch Luna try to cover up a crawling Chance with a blanket like he’s her baby doll.

“Yeah, I’m okay. It was a scary night.”

She presses her lips together and nods. “I can imagine. It’s nice of you to stay with the kids tonight.”

“We’ll watch movies and eat snacks and I’ll get them all sugared up before I drop them off.”

Danielle laughs. “Sounds great.” She pauses, and then she asks, “Is Brett being nice to you? He can be a lot to handle.”

I nod as I keep my eyes down on Chance. “He’s been...” I shrug and then I look up at Danielle with shining eyes. “Wonderful.”

Danielle turns her head a little but doesn’t move her eyes from my face. “Am I sensing something in your tone?”

I press my lips together. “Maybe.”

“You can talk to me, you know.”

“I know. And yeah. I like him.” My face turns beet red. I feel like I’m in junior high gabbing with my girlfriend right now. “And I think maybe he likes me, too.”

She raises both brows in surprise. “You do?”

I clear my throat. I’ve never been a gossiper or a kiss and tell kind of girl...but I feel like I could use Danielle’s take on this situation. She knows him better than I do, and she might be able to offer some perspective. “He kissed me last night.”

“Just a kiss?” she asks, and I can’t tell if she’s judging or clarifying.

I nod.

“Whoa.”

My brows crinkle. “Whoa?” I repeat. “What does that mean?”

She offers a small chuckle. “It means I’m shocked. I don’t know if Brett has ever kissed a woman without ripping off her clothes immediately afterward.”

I scrunch up my nose. “So maybe he doesn’t like me if he didn’t want to rip my clothes off.”

“Oh no,” she says, holding up a hand and waving it around a little. “That’s not what I meant. He and Tommy, and even Tyler before we were together...they like what they like, I guess, and they like sex without attachment. So if he kissed you and it was just a kiss, I think coming from him, that means more than if sex followed it up.”

“You think?” I ask, and I can’t help the little flip of my stomach at the thought.

She nods. “Afraid so, my friend. Tell me about the kiss.”

“I think it was out of relief when we got back from the hospital. Relief it wasn’t anything serious with Chance, and you know how you just sort of crash down off an emotional thing like that, and I guess we just crashed into each other. It was soft and slow and his hands were on me and...” I trail off and sigh dreamily as butterflies attack my insides at the memory.

She studies me quietly, and when I finally glance over at her, she gives me a pointed look. “Hannah, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but I think you more than like him.”

I twist my lips. I hated him a few days ago, but every second I’ve spent with him has worked to change those initial feelings I had. “You think so?”

She shrugs. “Afraid so.”

“So what do I do? I mean...my sister had his kid. She’d die to have this chance to travel the country on his tour bus...” I trail off. It’s because she died that I’m getting this chance, and the irony is complicated and devastating and overwhelming. “Isn’t it weird for me to be with him when he was with my sister?” I finish.

“They were together for one night.” She holds up a single finger. “One. It’s not like they were married. It’s not even like they had a relationship.”

“Yeah, but if he’d have gotten to know her, he would’ve wanted to.” I pick at a loose thread on my shorts.

“If it was meant to be, it would have been,” she says, and her words are so simple that they strike a chord in me. “You can drive yourself crazy with the ifs and buts, but you can’t change what happened.” She pauses, and then she reaches over and squeezes my hand as she says all the same things I could just hear Brie saying to me.

“My sister used to tell me ifs and buts just make you nuts.”

“It’s true. You deserve happiness. Everybody does. Don’t get up in your own head about it. I know it’s hard, but remember that life has to go on for you, and it’s okay to move forward.”

I want to believe her, and not just because I think I want to be with him. I want to believe her because I know I need to move forward with my life, whatever that looks like. Maybe it includes Brett in it. It should include Brett in it, because if it doesn’t, either he won’t be around his own kid or I won’t be around the nephew who is basically a son to me, and the thought of that is nearly too painful to bear.

“Everyone wants that perfect, beautiful love story, but they’re usually messy and sometimes ugly and rarely what we think they’ll be. I’m just saying...what if your love story and his are the same one?” she asks.

Amanda returns with Maya and looks between the two of us. “Am I interrupting?”

I shake my head. “I was just telling Danielle that I think I’m starting to feel something for Brett.”

Amanda’s eyes light up. “You are?” She sets Maya back on the blanket covering the floor. She kneels then rests her butt on the heels of her feet to stay in close proximity to her baby. “I say go for it. Danielle and I were just saying that he’s a totally different guy since you two joined us.”

“He is?” I ask.

Amanda slaps a hand over her mouth like she’s already said too much. Then she shrugs as she seems to think twice about it.

“He is,” Danielle confirms. “He’s got a little spring in his step that wasn’t there before, but there’s something else. He’s just...”

“Different,” Amanda fills in.

“Yeah. Different,” Danielle repeats.

“Different how?” I ask.

Both ladies shrug, but it’s Danielle who takes the lead. “She’s known him longer, so she could probably speak more to how different he is, but he’s...how do I put this nicely? Less of an A-hole.”

I laugh and set a hand on my chest. “And you think that has something to do with me?”

Amanda shrugs. “It’s awfully coincidental that you step into his life with a kid he didn’t know he fathered and suddenly he’s nicer to everyone around him. If it’s not you, I’m not sure what it is.”

“And the way he searches the room for you, too,” Danielle says. “When they came back to the green room from soundcheck the other day, I saw him look all around the room for you, and you were in a corner checking some of the images on the camera. His eyes lit up when he spotted you, and he didn’t bother with anyone else in the room. Instead, he moved right toward you and ignored everyone else.”

“Yeah, to see what I shot during the check,” I protest, and both women shake their heads.

“It’s more than that,” Danielle says.

“Definitely,” Amanda agrees.

“So what do I do?” I ask. “I’m having all these raging feelings for him, but I’m terrified and I’m inexperienced and I’m grieving. What if I’m just clinging onto him and it’s that whole thing with misplaced feelings?”

“Transference?” Amanda asks, and Danielle looks at her with a crinkled brow. She shrugs. “What? I took a lot of psychology classes in college.”

“Yeah, that,” I say. “What if I just like him because he’s helping me at the rock bottom worst time of my life?”

“But what if that’s not it and you pass up what could be the greatest thing to ever happen to you? Isn’t that worth the risk?” Danielle asks.

She’s right. I just said the exact same thing to Brett. I need to take my own advice.

“I say go for it,” Amanda says.

Danielle raises her hand. “Seconded. Go for it. That’s majority, so now you have to.”

I giggle. I like being part of this girls’ club. I just don’t know what’ll happen to it once this tour is over.