DragonRider by S. Rodman
the infirmary, in a long, narrow and surprisingly comfortable bed. The first thought that flows through me is pride that I stayed conscious until we landed in the stable. The second thought is how nice it is that Harlen is holding my hand. Hot on the heels of that thought, flashes concern for Cai. I scramble up and then breathe a prayer of thanks for whoever has healed my ribs.
Harlen is sitting on a small hard chair facing me. His right hand is holding mine, his left hand is holding Cai’s, who is still out cold in the bed next to me. His hair looks golden and stark against the crisp white pillow. He doesn’t look as pale as he did earlier but that could just be because we are not under starlight anymore.
“Is he going to be okay?” I ask.
There are dark circles under Harlen’s eyes. His face looks drawn and haggard. When his brown eyes meet mine, they are full of grief. He slowly shakes his head. I can feel my heart beat, fast and frantic. The rhythm pulses in my throat.
“He has burnt up all his magic.”
My free hand flies up to my mouth but it does nothing to hide my gasp of horror. Cai will never be able to wield magic again. He won’t even be able to sense it. He is no longer a mage. It is beyond awful. It is the worst fate I could possibly imagine in my darkest of nightmares.
Below the castle, Ri is trying to comfort a distraught Je. The anguish spills down our connection, so strong that I swear I can taste it on my tongue.
Oh. My. God.
I let out a pained sob. He will never be able to talk to Je again.
Cai can no longer be a dragon rider. He can no longer be flight commander.
He should have just let me die.
“Do not say that!” bellows Ri.
Huge sobs wrack my body. Tears blur my vision and run down my face. Harlen squeezes my hand tighter, but he says nothing. There is nothing to say and we both know it. There are no words for this.
Cai stirs, so I hurriedly scrub the tears off of my face and hold my breath. It’s the only way I can hold back my sobs. I need to be strong for Cai, he is the one that needs to fall apart while my strength holds him.
Harlen pulls his chair closer to Cai and releases my hand so he can hold Cai’s with both of his. I don’t mind at all. It’s the right thing to do.
Cai’s blue eyes flutter open. He looks at Harlen then searches for me. Relief flashes across his face as our eyes meet. There is no confusion in the sapphire depths of his eyes. No slowly dawning horror. Just pain, torment and sorrow. He knows. I think he knew before he fell off of Je. He felt it, felt his broken, shattered core. Just as Ri did.
I hold his gaze and I can’t see any trace of regret. There should be. Burning, twisting and vengeful regret. Bucket loads of it. He should hate and despise me. Loathe my presence. But obscenely he just looks relieved that I’m okay. I guess his sacrifice not being in vain counts for something.
Harlen curls his big frame next to Cai on the narrow infirmary bed. I jump out of mine and shove it up to Cai’s so we can all squish up together, making a Cai sandwich. He sighs, closes his eyes and lets us hold him. He is not going to cry, I realise with growing dismay. He is going to hold all that pain and monstrous loss in.
I don’t know how to help. I don’t know if anyone can.
I take back everything I ever said about not wanting to be the chosen one. If I was the chosen one, I’d be able to fix Cai. I’d have the power to make everything right again. Turn everything back to how it should be.
I close my eyes and pray to whatever deity or fate is watching me. I tell them I accept my destiny, I embrace it. I am willing to do whatever they demand of me. I’ll be their puppet, I’ll be anything they want me to be. I’ll be the chosen one.
Nothing happens. No shining light, no sudden wisdom. No profound power imbues me. I was right all along. I really am not the chosen one. I’m just me. Kirby Taylor. Pathetic and useless. I want to weep again. The disappointment tastes bitter, and to my shame it’s laced with relief. My plea to be the chosen one was not wholehearted.
Cai sacrificed everything to save me and apparently I’m too selfish to want to do the same. Dragon riding is everything to Cai, it is his entire world. I’ve only been a part of this world for a few months and already I know I’d rather die than leave it. This has been Cai’s whole life. He was raised to this. Born to it. Thrived in it enough to become flight commander at such a young age.
I’m not a complete idiot and I’m aware that being born into the right family certainly helped a lot. But it wasn’t all that. It can’t have been. Cai is a brilliant flight commander. Everyone trusts and respects him, which is exactly what you need from your leader. If his dad had just bought him the position, he’d suck at it.
Images flash of his asshole father and further realisation dawns. I bite my bottom lip so hard I taste blood. But it is far better than wailing out loud. Shit. Cai is probably going to lose his family over this too. Morwyn seems just the type to disown his son for this. What good is a son who can’t wield magic and has no position? And things have to have been already precarious after Cai threw him out like that.
Cai threw him out to save me. Cai burnt up all his magic and ruined his life to save me.
Oh no. It wasn’t to save me. My guts turn to liquid ice. My lungs clamp down and my heart freezes. Stark reality is screaming in my face and I want to scream back into the void. I understand now. I see it as clear as day and I’m utterly appalled and ashamed that I was so oblivious before.
Cai didn’t do those things to save me.
He did them to save the chosen one.