Say Yes by Kandi Steiner

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Art of Jealousy

“This came for you,” Angela said one afternoon, handing me a medium-sized, slightly beat-up box. One look at the pastel pink paper it was wrapped in, and the way it was taped up like it contained the national treasure inside it, and I knew it was from my mother.

“Thanks,” I said, barely glancing at it before I set it aside. Then I went back to what I was doing before Angela came home, which was staring blankly across the living room in complete silence, absentmindedly eating sticks of celery.

I was in the middle of a very important pity party for one.

It had been a full week since Liam had so much as looked at me, let alone talked to me or had me in his bed.

It’s not a big deal, I’d tried to convince myself. This is part of the deal. He doesn’t owe me anything.

But jealousy slithered in my stomach like a hungry snake, because I’d seen him walking with a girl after class today.

A very curvy, very beautiful girl.

I had no idea who she was, or where they were going, or if I had any reason to be jealous. All I knew was that, according to Angela and the agreement I’d so cheerfully entered into with Liam when I’d convinced him I could do this, I wasn’t allowed to be jealous.

Nor was I allowed to be as upset about not seeing him for a week as I was.

Part of me felt like I had it under control. So what, he hadn’t asked to hang out. That was fine. Maybe he scratched his itch, and now we were back to what we were before yes night: which was to say, nothing at all.

The other part of me was more twisted up than a pretzel. Because the truth was now that I’d had him — all of him — I wanted more. I didn’t want the past few weeks to be it. I didn’t want to go back to what we were before.

And I definitely didn’t want to share.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” Angela asked, snapping me back to the moment.

“Later.”

“Later? It was sent all the way from the States. Aren’t you curious what’s inside?”

“It’s probably just cookies or something.”

“I like cookies.”

I didn’t respond.

“Cookies would be a hell of a lot better than this,” she noted, picking up one of my celery sticks before dropping it back on the plate.

“I said I’ll open it later!”

Angela cocked a brow at the outburst, folding her arms over her chest. “Okay… what’s going on?”

I sighed, shaking my head. “Nothing. Sorry. I’m just… irritated.”

“Because?”

I flattened my lips together, because I knew if I told her the truth, she’d tell me I was in trouble. She’d tell me I needed to walk away from him before I ended up hurt. And I knew if I told her a lie, she’d see right through it.

So, the best thing to do was to just stay silent.

She plopped down next to me on the couch. “I don’t want to resort to this, but you better start talking or I’ll start tickling,” she threatened, wiggling her fingers toward me to seal the intent.

I squirmed away from her. “I can’t tell you.”

That got her attention, her brows folding together, tickle fingers falling dead at her sides. “What do you mean, you can’t tell me? You tell me everything.”

“I just… can’t,” I said again. “I’m fine, I promise. Just a little emotional. Okay? Can we just drop it?”

Angela chewed her cheek, obviously not happy with that option. “Okay. But only if you open that package and stop whatever is happening here,” she said, gesturing to the sad, half-eaten piece of celery on my plate.

I nodded, deciding that whatever was in the package from home would probably cheer me up, anyway. And regardless, if it got me out of admitting to Angela that I was struggling with the very thing she warned me about, I’d take it.

She popped off the couch and grabbed the box, setting it in my lap, and just as she did, our phone rang.

My heart leapt into my throat, and I jumped off the couch and ran to the phone before Angela could even process that it had rung. “I’ll get it!” I said, and as soon as I picked it up, I forced a breath to try to sound cool. “Hello?”

“Hello, sweetheart!”

My shoulders deflated at the sound of my mom’s voice, a reaction that made a twinge of guilt follow on the heels of disappointment. Had this been even one week ago, and I would have been ecstatic to receive a call from home.

But there was only one person I wanted to hear from right now.

The one person seemingly fine with never talking to me again.

“Hey, Mom,” I said on a sigh, and Angela pointed to her room before disappearing and leaving me to talk.

“Dad’s here, too,” she said.

“Hey, pumpkin,” I heard him say next.

“Hey, Daddy. Is everything okay?” I asked, frowning when I saw the time on the clock. “It’s early there. And I know long distance is expensive.”

“Did you get a package?” Dad asked.

That made my brows pop into my hairline. “I did. Just now, actually.”

“We were tracking it,” Mom explained. “Have you… opened it?”

“I literally just got it.” My stomach flipped in warning. “What’s in it? Is everything okay?”

“Open it and find out,” Mom said, and I could tell from the tone of her voice that she wore one of her big smiles, the one I always called her I got a good deal at Nordstrom smile.

“Okay… one sec,” I said, setting the phone down long enough to grab the box from across the room. It was light, too light for how big it was. When I got back, I sandwiched the phone between my shoulder and ear, grabbing our only pair of scissors to help open it. “Why do I feel like a Jack-in-the-Box is about to jump out at me?”

Dad laughed, which did nothing to assure me.

The scissors weren’t left-handed, which made them a little hard to maneuver, but once I figured them out, I held the box steady with my small hand, and slid the scissors along the tape in the creases of the box with the other, careful not to cut too deep. Then, I opened the flaps to reveal at least a hundred Styrofoam beans inside.

“Did you open it?!” Mom asked excitedly.

“I did… Styrofoam. Gee, thanks.”

Dad snorted. “Dig around.”

I arched a brow, reaching my hand in like I’d find something that could bite me. Instead, I felt nothing but Styrofoam until I found a small, rubber-like something. I frowned, carefully grabbing it and pulling it free.

It was a small pink pacifier.

I blinked, staring at the unfamiliar object between my fingers as my heart picked up its pace in my ears.

“Hello? You still there?” Mom asked.

“I am. I… found it.” I didn’t know what else to say. I just stared at the pacifier, rolling it over in my fingers.

“And?” Mom asked.

“And… I don’t understand.”

There was a brief pause, and then my father’s warm voice. “Your mother is pregnant, pumpkin. We’re having a baby.”

“You’re going to be a big sister,” Mom added, and I knew from the way her voice wavered that she was crying.

I, on the other hand, was rapidly losing my vision.

I dropped the pacifier, holding onto the counter to steady myself. “Wow,” I managed after a long moment. “That’s… wow. Congratulations.”

“Can you believe it?” Mom asked. “We don’t know for sure yet, but we think it’s a girl. I can just feel it. Oh, Harley,” she said, her voice quaking again. “Our little family of three is growing.”

Our little family is growing. Those were the words she said.

But all I heard was now that you’re gone, we can try again.

And maybe we can get it right this time.

I swallowed, gripping the phone so tight my knuckles ached. “I’m so happy for you, both of you.”

“Thank you, sweetheart. We just couldn’t wait to tell you!”

“No, we couldn’t. But this call is going to cost a fortune, so we should probably hang up now,” Dad added with a chuckle. “We’ll send you an email with more details later.”

I nodded, my throat dry as I tried to swallow again. “Sure, yeah, I’ve got to get going to the museum, anyway.”

“We love you, honey. So much,” Mom said. “You’re going to be the best big sister.”

Tears flooded my eyes, but I held them at bay. “I love you, too,” I managed, and then the line went dead.

My shift at the museum was an underwater blur.

Everything was in slow-motion — my feet as I dragged them along, my heartbeat, the questions guests asked me, the answers that came from me on autopilot, and most of all, time.

My body was physically at the museum, but my soul hovered somewhere above it, trying to process why I wasn’t ecstatic that my parents were having another child.

I should be happy.

I’m going to be a big sister.

I’ve always wanted a sibling.

But no matter how I tried to convince myself, the loudest voice of all drowned everything else out.

They waited until I was gone.

I was too much for them to handle another baby along with me.

They were scared it would happen again.

They were scared they’d have another me.

My eyes watered again at the thought, and I excused myself from a conversation with a family from Scotland, walking along the edges of the room like I was looking for something or someone and praying it would be enough for guests to leave me alone. But I hadn’t even gone ten steps before I was tapped on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, miss?”

I sighed, closing my eyes for a long moment before I plastered on my best smile and turned around to help whoever it was.

That smile flattened the moment I laid eyes on Liam.

“Can you tell me a little about this one?” he asked with a coy smile, pointing a thumb over his shoulder at Titian’s Flora.

His eyes dragged over the romantic painting, taking in the woman’s long hair and lush curves, how her dress hung off one shoulder, precariously close to revealing her breast.

“This chick is pretty hot,” he added. “Think she’s single?”

My emotions were a fickle thing that day, I realized, and not to be trusted. Because only a few hours earlier, there was nothing I wanted more than to see Liam.

But now, the fact that he was trying to be cute after ignoring me for a week only made me want to shove him off the nearest balcony.

“I don’t know,” I snipped, eyes narrowing. “Why don’t you ask her?”

“I would, but something tells me she’s not exactly the talkative type.”

I shook my head, turning my back on him and continuing the path I’d been walking before he interrupted.

I heard his chuckle on my heels before he caught up to me easily, sliding his hands in his pockets as he fell in step beside me. “Hey, it was just a joke.”

“Hilarious.”

He smirked, hooking me by the elbow with a gentle hand before he leaned in to whisper. “Oh, is someone jealous? Don’t worry, I’d take you over Flora any day.”

I knew he meant it as a joke. I knew the jerk who’d avoided eye contact and any and all conversation with me all week was gone now, and charming Liam Benson was back in full.

But I couldn’t help it.

I snapped.

“Can I help you with something?” I asked, ripping my arm from his grip. “Or did you just come here to make an already bad day worse?”

He frowned. “Hey, I was just messing around,” he said softly, moving in closer. He tried to touch me, but I pulled away. “What’s going on?”

I sighed, folding my arms over my chest. “Nothing. It’s busy. I should probably get back to work.”

“Okay…” he said warily. “I actually came to see if you want to hang out tonight.”

“Oh, because suddenly you’re in the mood to acknowledge my existence again?”

His lips flattened, and he looked away from me and across the museum, sniffing before his eyes found me again. “I deserved that.”

“You’re damn right you did.”

He narrowed his eyes, then. “Hey, I told you I was like this. I told you what you were getting into, and you said you understood.”

“You said you had good days and bad days, not that you were going to be fucking other girls.”

His head snapped back. “Fucking other… what are you talking about?”

“I saw you earlier, after class.”

“Saw me what exactly?”

I clamped my mouth shut, shaking my head at both him and myself because I knew I wasn’t making sense.

Liam sighed, looking around before he grabbed my elbow again and pulled me into the less-crowded gallery one door over. When we were tucked into the corner, he dipped his head to try to get me to look at him, but I refused.

“I’m sorry, okay?” he started. “I’ve had a bad week, and I haven’t felt like talking to or seeing anyone. Alright? It was all I could do to come to class. I’m sorry if I was an asshole to you.”

“You can’t be an asshole if you don’t even talk to me.”

“I’m not fucking anyone else.”

He paused, waiting until I lifted my gaze to his.

“And that’s part of what had me messed up this week.”

I frowned. “I don’t understand.”

Liam looked across the room, biting his bottom lip for a long moment like he didn’t know how to explain. When he looked at me again, it was with a thick line between his brows, his jaw tight. “Because we agreed to keep this casual, and usually I’m good at that. Usually, I can be with someone one night and be fine never seeing them again. Usually, I can fuck other people and not even think twice about it. But with you…” He swallowed, his dark eyes flicking back and forth between mine. “I’m having a really fucking hard time staying away from you, Harley Chambers,” he whispered. “Even when I know I should.”

My heart thumped loud in my chest — once, twice, a third time. And I really didn’t have a single hold on my emotions, because once again, my nose stung, tears flooding my vision.

“That girl you saw me with was asking me about Thomas,” he explained. “My roommate.”

I nodded, rolling my lips together and looking down at the ground between us. My gut was so twisted up, I couldn’t make sense of anything I was feeling. I wanted to tell him not to stay away from me, that I didn’t want to stay away from him either, but Angela’s warning rang loud in my ears.

And I knew what he could give me, which meant I also understood what he couldn’t.

“My mom is pregnant,” I whispered after a long while. I wasn’t sure why those were the words I chose to speak into existence, but as soon as they were out, a mixture of fear and relief filtered through me.

I waited for the excitement, for his surprised gasp and congratulations! When it didn’t come, I frowned, looking up from the floor to find him shaking his head. He reached for me, framing my arms in his hands.

He didn’t say a word.

He just nodded, his brows bending together.

And in that moment, I knew.

He understood.

Without me saying anything, he understood.

And it broke me.

I was yanked into his chest before the first tear could fall, and I held onto him as I let go of every emotion I’d been holding in all day. He ran his hand over my hair, quietly shushing me as he held me tight.

I couldn’t be sure how long we stood there like that, me clinging to his shirt, and him holding me just as tight, as if to tell me without speaking a single word that he was there, that it was okay, that I wasn’t alone.

When I calmed down, I pulled away and wiped my face, sniffing and staring at where my hands twisted in his flannel shirt.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” I asked.

The pained sigh that came from his chest told me he knew he shouldn’t.

But the kiss he pressed to my lips gave me hope that he would.

After telling my supervisor I wasn’t feeling well, Liam helped me gather my things and walked me home. I took a quick shower and slipped into an oversized t-shirt, and then Liam held the covers open for me to crawl into bed beside him. He wrapped himself around me, shielding me from the day, and with my back nestled against his chest, I finally felt stable again.

“I should go,” he whispered in my ear when I was half-asleep.

But I turned in his arms to face him, pulling him close and pressing my lips to his as my hands trailed down between us where he was already growing hard.

And then I gave him every reason not to.