Safeword: Mayday by Candace Blevins

Chapter 1

Heather felt bad for Kyle.

She’d tried so many times to convince him the problem was her and not him. She’d never had an orgasm and assumed she never would, but she’d come to terms with it long ago.

Kyle, however, wouldn’t accept it, and he refused to get off until she did, which meant he never came.

At first, she thought he went soft because Heather couldn’t get into it, but the last time they’d tried, he told her he didn’t deserve an orgasm if he couldn’t make her happy.

Why her easygoing boyfriend chose this topic to dig his heels in was beyond her. When she’d told him she could give him a blowjob and get him off, and assured him she didn’t need him to touch her while she did it, he’d seemed horrified at the idea she was okay with giving him pleasure when she received none.

She’d had this speech all prepared about how she could give him a few blowjobs a week, and maybe do the sex thing once or twice a week — as long as he didn’t expect her to enjoy it. However, after his reaction to her suggestion, she’d crawled inside herself with the knowledge she was about to lose the love of her life because something inside her was broken and she didn’t know how to fix it.

Should she tell him, again, she was more than happy to give him blowjobs as often as he wanted, and she’d even do the sex thing with him once or twice a week — but expecting her to actually enjoy it was asking too much? She didn’t know any other options.

But she’d chickened out and said nothing more, expecting he’d break up with her in the coming days.

But now, a few weeks later, she hadn’t lost him yet.

Unfortunately, he was trying again with soft music and candles while he licked her clit and pussy like it was supposed to magically turn something on in her. Heather found herself trying to find shapes in the texture on the ceiling in the flickering candlelight. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings but desperately hoped he’d stop soon.

Her mind drifted, and Heather pondered once again whether she should’ve allowed their relationship to move into a romantic one. They’d been friends for years before they started dating, and they’d been together three months before having sex. After another three months of dating with several failed attempts, she wondered what it would take to convince him she just wasn’t wired for it. She’d even tried to explain what sensory processing disorder meant, and how her time in a Korean orphanage, hungry and in a lot of pain, had made her turn her pain signals off when she was a baby — when she’d never given such personal details to a boyfriend before.

She’d let their relationship move to the next level because she couldn’t deny how much she loved him, but now she was worried she was going to lose him. He was her rock, her best friend, and she felt more at home in his arms than anywhere else on the planet.

Her eyes watered, because it was beyond time she accepted that she was never going to manage a long-term relationship with a healthy male.

There was no doubt Kyle loved her. He’d quietly seduced her for years, and had been a great friend who’d become so much more. She’d been determined to keep him in the friend box because she valued his friendship too much to lose him over sex, but he’d finally convinced her he loved her no matter what, and she’d gotten tired of fighting her own feelings for him. She’d stupidly hoped it might be different this time.

So here they were, madly in love with each other, but she was too broken to make it work.

Kyle kissed his way up her stomach, and she breathed in relief with the realization he was trying to call tonight’s experiment quits without anyone being upset it hadn’t worked. He maneuvered through the center of her breasts, gave her a peck on the lips, a soft kiss on the forehead, settled a sheet over them, and pulled her into his warm embrace. “It’s okay, babe. It’s not your fault it didn’t work. We’ll figure out what turns you on.”

Heather spooned into him and relaxed into his arms, but she silently wondered if he’d still want her once he figured out nothing would work.