Loving the Nurse by Piper Sullivan

Gus

Istood on my father’s doorstep and kicked the door with one foot because both hands were filled with grocery bags. “Dad, it’s me. Open up.” For just a fraction of a second, I worried when I didn’t hear movement on the other side of the door. But I quickly relaxed when he yanked open the door and frowned at me.

“Augusta? Why didn’t you use your key? Bangin’ on my door like you’re the law.” His brows furrowed deep and he took one of the bags from me.

I smiled up at him. “I thought maybe you were entertaining a woman and I didn’t want to catch an eyeful.” He glared at me and I laughed. “Your words, not mine.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a smart-ass just like me. Come on in. Tell me you brought me something other than broccoli and carrots.”

“I did,” I answered and followed him inside. “But I also brought broccoli and carrots. And cauliflower. And zucchini.”

“Thank god for small favors,” he growled. “And thank you for giving a damn about an old man.”

“You’re not just an old man, you’re my dad.”

He waved off my words with a grunt. “What’s going on with you and Antonio?”

I blinked at the abrupt change in subject. “Nothing. Why do you ask?” I did my best to act like I didn’t know what he was talking about.

Dad laughed, more like guffawed and pointed at me. “That’s strange because the whole dang town is talking about how he laid one on you in the middle of the hospital. And in The Outpost parking lot. That’s lots of smooching for nothing.”

“That’s all it was, Dad, a few kisses.” Kisses meant nothing to a man like Antonio, who could have any woman he wanted. He took them for granted and I refused to read the emotions I felt in those last two kisses, because they were one-sided.

He didn’t feel the want, the need, the desire to know more. To be more. He wanted the physical and nothing else. He cherished his bachelorhood more than he wanted me, and I had to accept it.

If I knew why I wasn’t worth the effort, that might make it easier. “Dad, can I ask you a question?”

“Anything. Shoot.”

“Why didn’t you try to give up drinking for me?”

His gaze shifted downward, guilt tugged at his features.

“It’s not an accusation, Dad. I just want to know. Please?” I was a medical professional, so I knew it wasn’t just that easy, but maybe he had some insight that I didn’t.

Dad sighed and turned a sorrowful gaze in my direction. “I was too deep in my own misery and my own depression to save my own life. I wanted to, more than anything, for you. Only for you. Every time I looked into your sad eyes, I wanted to do better. To be better. Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, I wished I was that man, the one who could just kick the habit and give you the upbringing you deserved. I just wasn’t strong enough.”

I listened carefully, and mostly what I heard was just how hard things were for him. That he wanted his drink and his misery more than he wanted me. “I understand, Dad.”

“Do you? Because I don’t think you do.” He shook his head and rubbed a hand over his grey hair. “Addiction is powerful, and no matter how much I wanted it, I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet. That didn’t happen until you finally left my sorry ass to fend for myself.”

“I had to.” I’d stuck around for as long as I could because someone had to take care of the house and the bills, but it got harder and harder.

“I know it, and I’m glad you did. Would’ve been so much worse if you had sacrificed your future for me, when it wasn’t clear I would have one.”

I never let myself think of how bad it must have gotten before he finally went to rehab and stopped drinking. I didn’t want to know. “I’m glad you’re better, Dad.”

He shook his head. “Every damn day is a struggle and I imagine it will be for as long as I’m able to draw air, but when I wake up clean and sober, I smile because it means I conquered another day.” He walked to me and wrapped me in his wiry arms and gave me a tight squeeze. “Don’t let my failures as a father cost you future happiness, sweet Gus. Antonio is a good man who wants nothing more than to be a good father to his daughter.”

“I know that, Dad.” The problem wasn’t that he wasn’t a good man, that had never been the problem.

“Then what’s the problem, girl?” Dad frowned at me like I was the crazy one. That stung.

“I can’t trust him with my heart. He lied to me once and I refuse to wait around for him to realize what he really wants is his ex, or a woman just like her.” A man like him didn’t go from a Hollywood beauty to a frumpy nurse, no matter what he thought. No matter what anyone else said.

“You forgave me. Can’t you forgive him too?”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so, Dad.”

“Why the hell not?”

I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about this, not with him, because it would only hurt him. “Because Dad, my childhood scarred me. I have a habit of choosing men who need me because, I guess I think it means they’ll stay for as long as they need me. But they don’t. Not ever.” It was pathetic, how much I twisted and contorted myself to be loved in the past. I was older now, which meant I should be wiser. I wasn’t wise enough not to fall for Antonio, but I had to be wise enough to not give in to those feelings.

“Well I am sorry about that, but sweetheart you’re smart and beautiful and any man would be lucky to have your love. I know I’m a lucky bastard that you still talk to me, and even now, you’re still taking care of me.” He smacked a rough kiss to my cheek. “Even if all you bring me is vegetables.”

“Old habits die hard,” I assured him with a warm smile.

“Well, kill that habit and bury it ten feet under.” He stomped his foot on the floor for good measure. “And there’s something else, Antonio doesn’t need you. He’s been taking care of him and his little girl without you for years. If he wants you, it’s because he just wants you.”

A nice thought, but I still didn’t trust it. “I don’t know about that.”

“Well you should think on it, long and hard,” he said with a smile as the doorbell rang. A quick look at the watch on his wrist produced a wicked smile. “Not too long though, that’s probably Antonio and Rosie here for lunch.” His loud belly laugh echoed behind him as he went to open the door.

“Damn scheming old man,” I growled to myself and put on my game face.

I could do this, spend an hour or two with Antonio without thinking about more. Without wanting more than he would ever give.