Twisted Lies by Nora Cobb
Chapter 8
Astrid
I have an errand to run today, so Justin has to wait. And I don’t have a car, but Roni does, and she’s willing to drive into downtown Rockingham. Downtown is not a bustling metropolis of tall buildings and crowded sidewalks. It’s an affluent Main Street area with a few busier streets branching off the main thoroughfare. All the stores and businesses here are overpriced, in my opinion. No red and yellow neon signs advertising dollar-deal fast food. Not around here. You have to know where you’re going, or you’ll drive right past the quaint hand-painted sign.
“Thanks for the ride,” I tell Roni.
She lowers her head and squints up at a street sign. “Not a problem. I want to look around and see what they have around here.”
We pass a large white building complex that appears out of place in the middle of Main Street. The buildings are set back from the street, and the parking lot is packed with cars. The tall sign at the entrance displays a large green cross outlined in yellow, and only then do I notice the ambulances pulling out onto the street.
“That’s a big hospital,” I stare in awe. “It looks like a city.”
“Rockingham General Hospital was here before Main Street, according to the school brochure,” Roni responds, scarcely glancing over, “I know. I was surprised, too, when I saw it.”
Dr. Howland, also known as my absentee father, works somewhere in there. I turn around in my seat and stare at my feet as I push them into the floor. I need money, and the Pit is looking shaky as an option. Pierce expects sex to fight, and I can’t even think about that with him. True, I was blatantly staring when that girl gave him head. It’s natural to be curious, and he is large. I mean, animals do it out in the open. Only humans find a private corner to fuck in. It’s normal to be curious. That’s the only excuse I need.
I shake that image out of my head because it was Pierce. What does it matter? I don’t want him anyway. Not even curious about the dickasaur.
There are other things I need to focus on. I spoke to Mom and told her my predicament, but she didn’t have time to talk. She was going to therapy. I thought she meant physical, but Mom told me firmly that she now has a therapist to help her accept the past. I only had enough time to say that I had to ask Howland for money. She said I should and then hung up. I didn’t have time to ask about taking his name. I wanted her opinion, but I may have to figure it out on my own.
Roni pulls her Saab into a community parking lot. I glance around the lot, and none of these cars are economy rides. Even the ones that aren’t luxury cars are top of the line. Another idle thought enters my head. I could ask for a car and stop riding around town on my bike like I’m freakin’ twelve years old.
“You know where you’re going?” she asks.
Her question startles me. I remind myself that Roni can’t know what I’m doing. Dad is still a secret.
“Sure, I have an address,” I reply.
She frowns at me. “You look a little lost.”
I shake the nerves off. “I’m good. I’ll text you when I’m done.”
Walking away, Roni waves and heads off in the opposite direction toward the stores. I watch her until she disappears around the corner of a building. I use my phone to lead me to Conover Street, where Howland has his office hours. In a few blocks, I’m standing in front of a medical office building that looks like a mansion where they hold funerals in my old neighborhood.
I hurry up the steps and stop to look at the front door made of solid wood, and I wonder how I’m supposed to get inside. Suddenly, a couple comes out the door, and I hurry to hold it for them. The old man smiles at me, pleased with my selfish thoughtfulness.
“You go to Stonehaven?” he asks, smiling as he holds his wife’s elbow.
For a moment, I forgot I had on my track jacket—a long-lined windbreaker with a gold S patch embroidered on the front pocket.
I nod politely. “Yes, I do.” I don’t say anything else. I might ruin the illusion.
“Good school.” He smiles as they walk down the steps to the slate walkway.
I step inside into a long hallway that has that medicinal smell. A smell I recognize from the free clinic. We couldn’t afford to go to this kind of doctor. And the last time we had to go to the clinic was when Mom messed up her back. My face screws up with anger, thinking that if only she hadn’t been injured that day, our life would be the same. If she hadn’t been in agonizing pain the day Howland showed up at our door, she would’ve told him off. Mom would’ve kicked his ass out of our apartment and onto the curb, straight out of our lives.
Daily, I have to remind myself to be grateful, but it’s the manipulation and stinginess that’s pissing me off. We were struggling, but at least we didn’t have him playing with our lives. I have to keep my eye on every opportunity to get us out of this mess.
I approach a reception desk after opening a heavy glass door with his name on it. “Can I help you?” asks an older woman in scrubs from behind the counter.
“I’m looking for…Dr. Howland?” I speak softly. This is no clinic.
“Do you have an appointment?” The nurse lifts an eyebrow, waiting for a negative answer.
“No, but my name is Astrid. He’ll want to see me.”
The nurse gives me a skeptical look. “Sit down, please.”
I do as I’m told. The waiting room is lovely enough to be a rich person’s living room. Old-fashioned chairs line the walls with an upholstered couch in the middle of the room. I pick a magazine from an end table. The date is recent, and it’s actually interesting to read. I become absorbed in some movie star’s private life when Dr. Howland steps into the room.
Impassively, he looks at me as if I’ve ruined his day—in addition to his life. I stand up, heading for the open door he stands beside. The nurse watches us with interest before answering the phone. Maybe she thought I would be turned away by the man himself.
We enter an office that’s smaller than Dr. Rawlins’ office but with costly furniture. I stare at a roll-top desk with actual papers stuck in the cubby holes. It looks exactly like one I saw in an old museum in Vermont.
I glance around the room for an examination table and wonder how he checks anyone out.
“This is my office,” Howland replies as if I asked, “The examination room is down the hall. Sit down, Astrid.”
I keep my jacket on as I sit down in a leather chair. I wait for Howland to sit by his desk. Instead, he sits in the chair beside me. “How have you been doing, Astrid?”
For a moment, I stare, not expecting him to care. “I’m doing okay,” I say slowly, “And you?”
Howland starts as if he didn’t expect me to have any manners. Mister, I am trying. I move in my seat and immediately stop myself from fidgeting. I never fidgeted before coming to Stonehaven.
“I’m well,” he replies smoothly, “Thank you for asking. And this is an unexpected surprise.”
“Sorry, maybe I should have called,” I answer, “but my roommate gave me a ride, so I didn’t know until this morning, and I had to go to class.”
Howland frowns. “You don’t own a car?”
“No,” I shake my head, “I have a mountain bike.”
He frowns harder. “Did you not pass your driver’s test?”
“Yes, but I can’t afford a car,” I reply uneasily. I don’t want to sound pathetic. Or worse, like I’m asking for one. “Besides, I have enough friends I can bum rides off of.” It’s hard to miss his wince when I say the word bum.
“Did you talk to Marianne?” he asks, and I stare in response. “Dr. Rawlins?” he adds.
Looking away, I form my thoughts as best I can. “I’m surprised that you want people to know I’m your daughter. You didn’t always. I’m not sassing you. I just don’t get it.”
Howland pauses. “I’ve been negligent in my duties to you and your mother. At the time, I wanted to put a painful moment behind me.” He pauses. “To be clear, your mother was not the painful moment but having an affair was. I should’ve been up-front about my lapse at the time, but for reasons that only make sense to me, I wasn’t. I’ve had many years to reflect on my ways…and I regret not doing something sooner. A wrong will be corrected, and I hope it won’t be judged too harshly by you.”
None of that makes sense, but that’s how these people talk in wordy circles.
“What if I decide not to change my name to Howland?” I ask, eager to get to a point.
“That is your choice,” he replies, “but there are benefits to being a Howland.”
Pierce’s leer flashes in front of my eyes, reminding me of what he said. “Other than being at Stonehaven?” I ask.
“Yes, you will be able to claim your legacy as a Howland.”
I nod. I want to claim something, but my paternal name isn’t it.
“I need a favor,” I ask. “I need birth control, and I figure since you’re a doctor…I wasn’t sure if I could get it from the school nurse.” I’m not ashamed to ask. After all, he must understand very well the reason why I’m asking for it.
He nods, not looking surprised or disappointed by my request. “Is the pill a good choice for you?”
I nod. It works better than a brown bag filled with rubbers, Daddy.
Howland walks over to his desk and writes on his script pad. Man, I’d like to palm that, but that would be stupid. He’d suspect me first. “I don’t keep it in the office,” he says, “There’s a pharmacy in the building. I’ll call, and it will be ready when you pick it up.”
“How much will it cost?” I ask.
He frowns as he hands the script to me. “Nothing. It will be on my account.” He reaches out and touches my waterproof jacket. “Isn’t this thin? Don’t you have a heavier coat?”
Without emotion, I stare at him as a revelation dawns on me. Howland has never been around poor people. He has no idea that people have to go without. We have no bread, so Howland asks why we don’t buy cake. He just doesn’t get it.
Howland presses the intercom on the desk phone. “Come in, please.”
The nurse steps in, and oddly, I’m hoping he won’t mention the birth control.
“Lilian, this is my daughter Astrid.” He gestures with a wave of the hand. “Astrid, this is my nurse Lilian. She will assist you when I’m not in the office.”
Lilian’s big brown eyes widen on me, and I hate the expression of shock she can’t hide. It feels like I was the one who abandoned my illegitimate daughter. Why isn’t she staring at Howland? He’s the asshole. I don’t feel triumphant that I belong here more than she does. I feel shame seeing the shocked look on her face that I exist.
Howland looks at his gawking nurse and then at the script in my hand. He moves toward the desk while shooting her a withering glare. Lilian closes her gaping mouth as she regains her lost composure.
“Send Nurse Beth in,” he says as she moves to the door, “And Lilian, if Astrid is discussed, you will be fired.”
“Yes, Dr. Howland.” Lilian leaves, and a second nurse enters.
“Astrid, give Nurse Beth your script. She can fill it while you wait. I’d like to discuss your future further.”
I chickened out. I never chicken out. I should have told him I needed money.
Instead, I hurry out of the building, clutching my prescription bag. I pull out the box, barely looking at it, and shove it into my purse along with a box of condoms. I dump the empty bag in a trash bin by the parking lot. The next time Wyatt kisses me, I won’t stop. My phone chimes and I expect Roni, but it’s not. It’s a text from my bank, and five thousand has been deposited into my account. Thank God. I had forgotten that October rent is due. And I didn’t want to go back in there again.
