The Heartbreaker of Echo Pass by Maisey Yates

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

HEHADANOTHERvoice mail from Mallory. And he was going to answer it sooner than he had been. He got up on the rock, and as soon as he had bars, dialed the number.

“Well, this is a surprise. Contact less than two weeks apart.”

“Yeah. I’ve got... Well, I just wanted to make sure you were well.”

“You wanted to make sure I was well?”

“Yes.”

“I am. Thank you for asking.”

“How’s the practice, by the way?”

“Hmm. Complicated. You know, you wouldn’t think that midwives would have a whole lot of inner office politics, but sadly, there are some.”

“Is Rain taking the good birthing suite and all the good vibes too?”

“Can you not?”

“I mean, I can try not to. But it’s fun.”

“How come you still act like an immature brat when we get into having a normal conversation?”

“Because that’s a normal conversation.”

“You sound better.”

He looked around through the trees. He put in a few hours on the house today, but the work hadn’t felt quite so compulsive. It was strange, because he had imagined that telling Iris all about his past might make it all feel raw. Closer to the surface. But it hadn’t been like that. Not really. Yes, it was there. But hadn’t brought nightmares up any more ferociously than they’d been before. If anything, things had felt a little bit better. He breathed a bit easier.

“I like cookies,” he said. Then he realized that sounded ridiculous.

“You...like cookies?”

“It’s been a long time since I...liked anything.”

The silence stretched out between them on the phone. “Griff,” she said, and he could tell that her voice was thick with tears. “That is the best news.”

“It’s pretty good.”

“Really. And thank you for calling me.”

She told him a little bit more about the drama at the birthing center she worked at before they got off the phone, and there was something so aggressively normal about it all, that when he hung up he felt... Strangely light.

But then, he had. Ever since he had spent that day with Iris. He hadn’t seen her since. He imagined that she’d been busy.

Which was fine by him. But he was starting to wonder... Starting to wonder what he should do. Because he wanted to see her again. And he didn’t want to wait for her to come back up here.

It made him wonder if he needed to go to her.

He’d done it once before. Come down the mountain to repair that plumbing problem she had.

But she called him. It was different.

He meandered back down the path that led to the housing site and surveyed his progress. It was slow. But by design. There was no way to do a project like this by yourself and have it go quickly. Building this house had felt like action for a long time. He had never been one to sit around doing nothing, even when everything was terrible. There was always something to be done.

But he wanted to do something else. There was something else to do. And that, he supposed, was a gift.

One thing he’d always been was a man who knew what he wanted, and who took steps to get it.

But he’d been a whole lot of nothing for the last few years.

And at the point where he had no idea why he was still standing there with his hammer in his hand, rather than heading down the mountain to see the woman that he wanted to see, he figured he had better get going. Because he wanted to see Iris Daniels. And so he would.

Because life was short and uncertain, but he was breathing.

So he might as well do something with that breath.

HEDROVEDOWNthe mountain, and things seemed a bit brighter. Once he was on the main street, he found that he felt hopeful. An experience he was no longer familiar with. When he pulled up to the bakery, he saw her through the window, standing on a chair and fiddling with what he thought might be a light fixture.

There was a sign hanging out front that read The Cookie Jar.

She’d mentioned that was the name. But he’d forgotten to ask her about it.

He got out of the truck, and walked up to the front door. She turned sharply, her eyes going wide, and then she scrambled down from the chair and went to the door.

“What are you doing here?”

“Came to see you.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“I thought...”

“I’ve been here before.”

He stepped past her and made his way into the bakery. “I know,” she said. “I just...”

“You just what?”

“I sort of thought that... I don’t know. I didn’t expect you to come down.”

“There is a time for everything. And I’ve been avoiding the reality of that.”

“Oh.”

“I wanted to see you. And I couldn’t think of any reason why I shouldn’t.”

“You wanted to see me?”

“I did. And I was standing up there, working on my house, thinking about you, and didn’t see why you shouldn’t be right in front of me.”

Because she could be. That was the thing. She was here and so was he. So why waste any time?

“Well, I’m glad you did.”

But she didn’t make any move to kiss him, and he wondered if there was someone from her family around.

“Is anyone else here?”

“No. I’m all alone. Just getting some last-minute things done. My permits are all in, and I think I’m just going to open in a couple of days.”

“Really? No grand opening?”

“My brother asked me the same thing. But I figured I would do a soft open and see how things go. And then...”

“Make sure that I know when your grand opening is.” Except, as soon as he said that, he realized he wasn’t going to give her an opportunity to make any other choice. He was going to be there. He was going to be around. And he was going to make sure that he knew what was happening with the business. First of all, her business was linked with him, and that meant he should be engaging in that. Second of all, he wanted to know what was going on with her life.

And much like the horse ride he’d invited her on, he wasn’t going to do much worrying about why. He was just going to be in it.

“I like the sign,” he said. “Like the name.”

“Thank you. I... My mom always had cookies made.” Her expression wrinkled, just for a moment. A small ripple of sadness that quickly vanished. “I like cookies.”

“I noticed that.”

She got a very sad, wistful look on her face, and he couldn’t quite figure out why. “Does it make you sad? To think about her?”

“Not all the time. I mean, really not. She’s been gone from my life for longer than I had her in it. That makes me sad. And sometimes thinking about the cookies makes me sad. It’s just that you think you have all the time in the world to change things with people.” She shook her head. “When she died, my younger sisters were really small. They were a handful, I mean they were little kids. And I was fourteen and things were changing in my life and I wanted... It doesn’t really matter. It’s just, I always wonder how it would have been if I’d known. It’s just you always think you have forever, so much time. Until you realize you don’t.”

“That’s the nature of loss,” he said. “You have all kinds of perspective afterward. On what matters. On what you wish you would’ve done differently. Believe me. I have truckloads of perspective and nothing to do with it. And you know, you can share that with other people, try to pass it on, try to make sure that they maybe live their lives with a little bit more thought, but until they experience loss, they won’t. Not permanently. And anyway, grief skews perspective. That’s something I’ve learned. It makes the air seem thick and your head seem fuzzy. And how do you fight through it to figure out which part of the perspective you’re supposed to keep? I’ve been in a grief monastery, but I don’t know that it’s benefited anyone. I know how important the people were that I lost. I know it down to my bones. I couldn’t have any more perspective on that. But when it comes to perspective on living... Well, I’ve been pretty short on that.”

“Me too,” she said. “I wish that I wasn’t. I wish that I hadn’t spent so much time hiding myself away. I guess. I don’t know, though. I talked to my brother a couple days ago. And he said it took him until last year to figure himself out, so... I’m four years younger. I guess I still have more perspective than he does. Or, at least, had.”

“Well, there you go. You’ve got time.”

“Opening this bakery is going to take a lot of time and energy. Plus, I’m still working up at your house...”

“Iris,” he said. “Are you about to warn me off? Let me down gently?”

“I don’t want to let you down,” she said. “By which I mean I don’t... I mean... Well, I would like to keep... Doing what we’re doing. I just...”

“Honey, you don’t need to give me the talk about what this is.”

“I don’t?”

“Being with you makes me feel good. And I didn’t think that anything could. Not a damn thing, Iris. I haven’t felt good in a long time. But that’s all it is. It’s just feeling good. It’s not really...”

“It’s not really your heart.”

“There’s nothing left of that.”

“That’s not true,” she said. “There’s a lot left of it. I know. I’ve seen it. But I get what you mean. And no worries. I’m in love with my bakery. That’s the most important thing to me.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“But I would like to keep having sex.” She looked around, like she was afraid she might get caught. “Because I do really like that.”

“Well, very glad to hear that.” He rubbed his chin and looked around the room. “All things considered, I don’t need you to come up and bring me meals anymore.”

She frowned. “Well, but then I won’t see you as much.”

“Iris, I don’t even have indoor plumbing, and you shouldn’t have to use an outhouse when we are together. I can rent a place in town if you don’t want anyone seeing my truck here, or I can park around the block, whatever you want. I don’t mind staying here with you, but it is up to you.”

“You can stay here with me.”

“Then I’ll do that.”

“I like your cabin,” she said. “There’s something magical about it. About... The way that it’s like we’re the only two people in the world up there.”

She looked away, as if embarrassed. As if she had realized that that flew in the face of what they’d just been talking about. Not being romantic and having connections, just sleeping together.

He understood, though, because he’d felt the same thing. There was magic between them up there, and maybe that was all the more reason to bring it down into the real world.

He’d told himself that last time they were together up there that there wasn’t a place for it here. But there could be. People did it all the time.

It was... A normal thing.

Two conflicting feelings hit him at the same time. Happiness, in a strange way. That he was considering something quite so normal. And a deeper emotion. Because nothing between him and Iris was half so basic as normal. There was something more to them. Something more to this. And up there on the mountain, he’d sensed it. Perfect moments. Perfect moments that stretched on and on, as long as he was holding her hand. As long as she was in his arms.

As long as he was in her body.

Looking into those beautiful eyes.

It was easy to get lost up there in his mind, on sun-drenched riverbanks, drunk on passion.

But they were standing down in town on Main. Talking about having an affair. And that was fine. That was fine.

“I just... I want to ask you something,” she said. “But I don’t want to overstep. I don’t want to cross the line.”

“I’m going to make a deal with you. This thing between us, whatever it is, no boundaries. If I ask you something, and it’s a no go, you just tell me that. We move on. You can ask me things, if I don’t feel like talking about it, I won’t. And then we just get back down to what it is we’re doing. You and me, we’re a safe zone. You’re learning how to be you, and I’m learning what it looks like to be human right about now. Not sure I know. So we’re going to make some mistakes. But I think we might both need someone we can trust that way.”

She nodded slowly. “Okay. So nothing is off-limits?”

“Nothing.”

“Well, I’m going to have to think long and hard about some things then, because I have some questions.”

“Other than the ones you were just going to ask me?”

“Yes. I have a serious thing to ask you. But when I’m done with that, I think I have some sex questions.”

He laughed, in spite of himself. In spite of the fact that this was a very strange experience, standing in a bakery, looking at the woman whose virginity he’d just taken a few nights ago, knowing that he was about to get asked something he probably wouldn’t want to answer, and being amused by her all at the same time.

“Great. Though, I warn you, I may want to answer with an example.”

“I’m fine with that,” she said. “Absolutely fine with it. I...” She sobered, her face going neutral. “Is it weird for you? I mean, in the sense that... You haven’t been with anyone since your wife.”

He shook his head. “No. I haven’t.” He thought about that, long and hard. He had chosen to marry Mel. Because he loved her. And he had loved her till the day she died. In many ways, he always would, because nothing had ever come between them in life. But she was gone, physically. Sometimes he might talk to her spirit, her memory, because that was part of him. But it wasn’t the same, and he knew it.

“I don’t quite know how to explain it. I loved her very much. She was amazing. And being with her changed me. But it’s not a problem to be with you, not in the way you mean. I wasn’t keeping vows. I think I’ve been dealing with something a little more complicated. How could I even want to feel that good when they can’t? When they’re not here. Even down to eating food that I enjoy.” He took a long, heavy breath. “But now I’ve done it. And I feel like... The world didn’t end. It’s not such a bad thing. But self-denial was easy when I didn’t have the appetite for any of it. And then you brought it back. So here we are. I’m not confused about whether or not you’re you, so we’re clear.”

He saw her shoulders sag slightly. “I thought you might have... I was a little bit afraid that you might be... Imagining someone else.” Her cheeks went scarlet. “And I feel horrible saying that. It feels invasive and like I don’t have a right... Like you would have every right...”

“Hell no,” he said. “Iris, if I’m sleeping with you, you have every right to expect that it’s you I’m thinking of. And I am. This is not... You don’t have to be my medicine. I want you. Because you’re you. Not to make myself feel better, not to make myself feel. You... You came first. I didn’t want sex, and you were convenient. I wanted you, and that’s why I was with you. Just so we’re clear.”

“Wow. I... I’m sorry. Here I am making speeches about things just being physical, and I’m being sensitive.”

“I don’t think there’s any way we can pretend there aren’t emotions in this. We have emotions. We’re people.”

She looked relieved by that. “Right. I... Maybe we are friends.”

He stared down at that beautiful face, and wanted to laugh. And he didn’t look at her and think friend. He didn’t look at her and think a single word at all. It was something that bloomed inside of him that he couldn’t quite articulate.

“Now, what are your sex questions?”

“I’m not sure I can ask them now.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“It’s inappropriate. We were being serious.”

“Sex is pretty serious.”

“I know. But asking about... Mechanics and things isn’t,” she said.

“I don’t know. It depends on what you’re confused about. There’s a definite possibility that it could get serious.”

“I’m not confused about anything, I just... I’m curious.”

“Hit me with your curiosity.”

“Is it always that good?”

His mind was blank. Of previous experience. And that did make him feel strange, because he’d spent a lot of years sleeping with the same person, and he knew that things between them had been good. But right now he couldn’t... He couldn’t compare the two things.

“What happened between us isn’t typical. Or normal. And I can’t say that I’ve ever felt anything like it.”

Honesty. He promised her that. And he wanted it from her. Because they needed to be able to talk to each other, mostly because there wasn’t anyone else he could talk to. And here she was, this woman he’d only known for a few weeks, who now had more of him than anyone else in his life. Who’d heard his whole story from beginning to end. Who he’d been inside. And he was the only man to ever be with her like that. They had fallen into an intimacy that was pretty deep and intense. And so... Honesty it was. Because what else was there?

“Oh.”

“When I was holding you, down in the river. I thought that was the closest thing to perfect the world could offer.”

“I thought that too,” she whispered. “But I thought maybe that was just sex.”

“No,” he said, his voice rough. “It wasn’t just sex.”

And that threw a wrench in the whole just sex conversation they’d just had. But then, his whole life had been destroyed, and now he was standing there, on the verge of figuring out how to make something from it. Not just hide away. And maybe it was all right if he didn’t have all the answers.

“Is there anything I can help you with here?”

“As a matter of fact,” she said. “There are a great many high things that I’m having trouble reaching.”

“Well, I’m happy to help with that.”