Random Encounter by Allyson Lindt

Thirty

Adrienne

Maybe I was destined to live in guest rooms for the rest of my life.

The thought was more bleak than I wanted to feel. Or maybe I just didn’t want to feel right now. Not anything. Because some of the thoughts in my head were dark and some were cruel and hope was there too, though it was so very hard to grasp and it seemed like the last thing I should be focusing on.

I sat on the bed in the guest room in Graham’s house—technically I supposed it was Cole’s house, but they both lived here with Luna, so that was all semantics.

And was I really having a mental conversation with myself over house ownership?

It was better than the alternative—putting words to my more insistent and pervasive thoughts.

I was propped up by and surrounded by more pillows than a Bed, Bath, & Beyond, so I could make myself comfortable however I needed. I had pain pills for the shoulder. The thought of taking those was a little terrifying, because if they blanked my mind I might like it too much and if they didn’t…

I didn’t want to sleep with intense, drug-induced dreams.

Luna knocked on the open door frame, and came in without waiting for an answer. She sat at the other end of the bed. “How are you doing?” She radiated concern and sympathy.

Which made a tight lump grow in my throat. “I don’t know.”

She pulled her legs under her and crossed them. “Okay.”

I didn’t like the silence that sank in, sitting heavy in my joints. Pressing against my lungs. It was like being alone, but now someone was watching me mentally fracture like a late-in-life Picasso. “You didn’t bring your cards. I thought you might offer to read for me or something.”

“No,” Luna said plainly.

“Why not?”

“It’s not what you need right now.”

A bitter laugh slipped past my lips. “How do you know that? I don’t know what I need right now.”

“Just a feeling.” Her tone was kind and free of judgement.

What was I supposed to say?

Silence stretched on. Why was Luna still here? Not that I minded her company, but this wasn’t company—it was as confusing as everything else. What was I supposed to think? To feel? Was one of us supposed to say something?

“I’m just tired of it all.” My own words caught off-guard, coming from nowhere but feeling right. “I’m tired of people who think they deserve anything their whims demand. Of people who think only they matter. Who don’t stop to consider the consequences of their actions… or don’t care.”

I paused, surprised at my own words—not that I blurted them out without thinking, but that I was able to put any form to my feelings, even if it was a vague blob of a form. I waited for Luna to reply. To argue or add her thoughts. Anything.

She looked up, understanding in her gaze. “I get that.”

“I believed all the rules when I was growing up.” Apparently I wasn’t done. “Sometimes I feel like I was wrong to do so. Like everyone else knew they were more like loose guidelines that could be ignored unless someone needed to be kept down.”

“Which rules?” Luna asked.

“Do unto others,” I recited. “If you work hard, that’s how you get ahead. That life rewards the industrious. That if things go wrong in your life—if you fail, if someone else does better than you, if the world beats you down and kicks you in the gut until you can’t breathe and you don’t know how you’re going to make it to tomorrow, that it’s your own fault.” I drew in a deep breath, to make sure I still could. I didn’t feel as bleak as that sounded, but there were times in the past where I had.

“Maybe it is my fault.” The words flew out more from habit than because they tasted real. “Some things are, but not everything. I’m not perfect. I blurt out inappropriate things. I let opportunity pass me by because I’m scared. But I’m trying to. To do right by me. To not harm others along the way. And not because I should, but because I want to. I want the people around me to feel good, and I don’t want to feel shitty either. I never want to be responsible for someone else’s suffering. I don’t want to miss out on experiences. I want to experience the world, and I don’t mind hard work. What I mind are people who think they can grind the rest of us under the heel of their boot because in their mind no one is more important than them.

“People lie and cheat and steal and run their ex-wives off the road and assault women they’ve dated and think it’s their right because they want to and as long as they smile at the right people and believe their own bullshit, they so frequently get away with it. And the people they hurt, the people who let it happen because they think it’s their fault or because they don’t see it or because they think if they’re just a little nicer…”

I forced myself to stop, before I lost anymore track of my own words, and focused on Luna. “Are you going to say anything?”

“I agree.”

The simplicity of her reply almost made me laugh. I didn’t feel good enough to laugh, though I did feel lighter than when she came in here. “Anything besides that.”

She shook her head. “I think you’re covering it pretty well.”

“That’s a longer version of I agree. I didn’t deserve what Sean did to me. No one does. Even if someone is a total, inconsiderate narcissist, like him, that’s not justice. That kind of an eye for an eye doesn’t get anyone anywhere. But I’m still glad he’s hurt. Does that make me a bad person too? I’m glad he’s in traction, and not just because he won’t be able to get up for a while. I’m glad he’s in pain, and that for once, I’m dealing with less than he is. How horrible am I?”

“You’re not at all,” Luna said.

“You wouldn’t be thinking things like this. How repulsive am I right now?”

“I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

A dry smile cracked my face. “Graham says that.”

“Pretty sure someone else said it first, but yeah, I got it from him.” Luna crawled closer, until her knees touched my feet. “I don’t like seeing people in pain. I hate knowing I caused it or believe I could’ve prevented it. But there are times when we have to ignore that instinct, especially when it’s not our fault. And this isn’t your fault.”

“I know that, but at the same time, sometimes it’s so very hard to believe it.”

“I won’t tell you to stop feeling what you’re feeling, or that you’re wrong about any of this. There are some people who need to hear that, though I probably wouldn’t tell them either, but you don’t. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an idiot,” Luna said. “Everything inside you—the good, the bad, and the uncertain—it’s all valid. Doesn’t matter what we’ve been taught. No one is any more allowed to dictate your thoughts than you are responsible for their actions.”

What she was saying was wise, but at the same time, “You know it’s not that easy.”

“I do.” Luna brought her leg to her chest and rested her chin on her knee. “It’s a hard thing to remember, and I have to remind myself about it on a regular basis. I’ll remind you too, if you want. The rules you mentioned, some people follow them, some don’t. We can only say how we act.”

“How do we know if we’re acting right?”

“You are.”

“But how do you know?” I hated this uncertainty. The assholes never looked like they had to deal with this kind of doubt. What would it be like to have that kind of faith in my own heart?

Luna grinned. “Because I’m a fucking genius and I can tell.”

I wanted so badly to believe her. She was a genius. “What if I fall again, and it’s a mistake again?” There was a fear I hadn’t wanted to look at. But now that my head was shifting itself into order, it was easier to pick out the thoughts.

“Phillip?”

“And Dustin.” When I’d seen them at the hospital, the warmth had pushed away a lot of my pain.

“They’re not bad guys. If you don’t believe me, Cole is a good judge of character.”

My smile felt lighter this time. “Phillip said something similar. He said that was how he knew I was all right.”

“Pfft. You’re better than all right. You’re amazing. And here’s the thing, if you fall and it doesn’t work out… Well, I hate to be cliché, but it’s better to have loved and lost… Would you really give up the good to not have to feel the bad? If you need to, as hard as it is, take the whole Sean experience out of the equation.”

Would I give up the last few weeks with Dustin and Phillip if it meant avoiding the risk? If it meant I could guarantee my heart was shielded? “No. I wouldn’t give it up.”

“There’s your answer. Also, nice. I mean, you’re way out of their league, and who wants a nearly forty year old bachelor? But they’re both pretty. And probably smart.”

I felt better with each passing moment. My doubt wasn’t gone, but it was hiding behind sunshine. Luna was at least half teasing, because her boyfriends were Phillip and Dustin’s age, and she was distinctly younger than me. “They are pretty. And smart. Mostly. I’m not sure they’re completely in touch with their feelings.”

Luna scrunched up her nose. “Not everyone is. Graham said they looked completely panicked when they got to the hospital, so I think they’re on the right track. If they’re not, you’ll just have to tell them so.”

“I can do that.”

“I know.” Luna shifted to lay next to me, her head on my legs. Hugs were hard because of my arm and the bruises, but this worked fine for me. My head was as much of a mess as my body, but I could see past the jumble to the truth now. It had been a long time since I felt this clear-headed about something.