Waiting on the Rain by Claudia Connor

39

Walking into the barn and knowing he wouldn’t see Ava was another small ache. There were so many aches these days aside from his heeling leg, it seemed his entire existence was made up of them. Waking without her. Knowing he’d be going to bed without her.

He’d had no idea he would want to be tied to somebody in that way. Not one damn bit of an idea. Then there she was and… that was it. Everything changed. And now she was gone.

He’d wanted to yell, to tell her to save her sorry. But he couldn’t. He loved her. He’d always love her. He’d known she wasn’t one hundred percent in. He’d told himself she was just afraid of being hurt, but now he wasn’t so sure.

Maybe she wasn’t sure of him. Maybe she didn’t feel the same. If he’d had more time to convince her… That she could live here, that they could live here together and be happy. Kind of hard to convince her of anything when he was flat on his back.

Leaning heavily on a cane, Luke limped his way to the tack room, thinking he’d find his sister. He did find her, and Kylie.

“Hey,” his sister said turning to him.

“Hi, Kylie,” said shyly.

He looked right at her, saw the little girl she was. She wore pink today, what he’d learned was her favorite color. A pink T-shirt with a brown horse covering most of the front.

“Kylie and I were just finishing up. Did you need me?”

“No. Just getting out, getting some exercise.”

The office phone rang, and he jerked his head in that direction. “Go ahead. Kylie and I can hang.”

If his sister was surprised by his offer she didn’t say anything.

“I’ll be right back Kylie. You can show Luke here, where everything goes.”

“Okay.”

Luke walked farther into the tack room, made a slow awkward turn and dropped his butt onto the trunk. Same one he’d sat on beside Ava not so long ago. But Ava had left, he thought mustering up the anger which was better than the emptiness.

“Ava left,” Kylie said, as if reading his thoughts.

“Yeah. She did.”

“I wish she didn’t.”

“Me too,” he admitted to the little girl, more than he’d admitted to anyone else.

Kylie sat down beside him. “You hurt your leg.”

“Yep.”

“But it’s getting better.”

“Yeah.” He smiled at her. “It is.”

Kylie sighed. “She was pretty.”

Luke knew she spoke of Ava and his chest tightened. Then he looked at Kylie again. Her gaze was down, where her feet hung a few inches from the floor.

“Yes. She was. So are you.”

“Thanks.” She raised her head, looked at him. “You’re sad.”

He blew out a breath. Nothing wrong with the kid’s eyes. And somehow it didn’t bother him so much to be seen. Not when it was the truth. “Yeah. I am.”

“Maybe she’ll come back.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Maybe you could go get her?”

He wanted to. God, he wanted to.

“Hey, guys,” Hannah said from the doorway. “Your mom’s here, Kylie.”

“Okay.” She hopped down from the trunk. “Bye, Luke.”

“Bye, beautiful.”

She smiled bigger than he’d ever seen her and skipped out. Hannah watched her from just outside the doorway, waved goodbye. He heard car doors slam and wheels on gravel and tried to imagine where Ava was, what she was doing. Back at her favorite deli? Eating croissants and sipping fancy coffees?

Hannah came in, picked up the bridle Kylie had left on the trunk and hung it on the wall. “She’ll remember that,” Hannah said. “Later, when Kylie’s older, somewhere that memory will be with her when the world tries to tear her down.”

“Anyone tries to tear that kid down, I’ll end them.”

Hannah smiled, kissed his cheek. “You know…Kylie’s a smart girl.”

“Yeah.”

“You could go get her.”

“It’s rude to eavesdrop and don’t start.” He started to stand, but the soreness in his leg had him staying where he was. “She’s got a life in the city. It’s better for her there, easier. It’s what she wants.”

“Women want all kinds of things, different things, when they know a man loves them. When the man they love loves them back.”

His eyes narrowed in on his sister’s. He couldn’t, wouldn’t deny that he was in love with Ava. But did Ava love him?

“And need… You’d have to be blind yourself not to see that she needs you as much as you need her.”

Not true, he thought. Otherwise she’d be here right now. “Yeah, well, she left. I get a stupid cut on my leg and she runs.”

“Just a cut, huh? You almost died.”

“I really wish people would stop saying that.”

“You know, before Ava left, I was thinking, wow, Luke’s not as surly as he used to be.”

“I was never surly. I was… pensive.”

She moved around the tack room, not addressing that, then she stopped, turned to him. “Can I ask you something?”

“As long as it’s not about Ava.”

“Why did you leave? All those years ago when you joined the Army?”

The question was sudden and shocking and he stared at her, seeing a grown woman, not a little girl. Her hair was in its customary braid, pulled around to hang past her collar bone. She wore jeans and a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves pushed up to her elbows. A few of her scars from her ordeal when she was a teenager were still visible.

Was she asking in general terms or about that last night specifically? Either way, she’d given him the opening to get it off his chest.

“I thought Nick would have told you.”

Hannah lifted her hands in an empty gesture and leaned against the wall across from him, waiting.

“We were at a football game, for the twins. I was supposed to be watching you. I didn’t. Nick got there and… well he was the one that found you. Teetering at the very top of the bleachers. The chain link guard behind was broken. You almost fell. You almost…” He shuddered unable to finish the sentence.

“But I didn’t. Luke, you were a teenager. Do you know how many teenagers are supposed to watch their siblings and don’t?”

Didn’t matter. And she was making excuses for him.

“So you felt guilty and you left. Or you felt afraid something would happen again, even worse.”

“Yeah. Maybe. That and the fact that I’d been screwing up in just about every other area. Nick told me more than once if I didn’t cut it out, DHS would step in, take you, split everyone up.”

“Mmm.” Hannah nodded and straightened the saddle blankets, taking them off the shelf, refolding and cutting them back.

“What?”

“Just thinking that sounds a lot like what Ava said to me, the day before she left.”

“What? That she was afraid she’d get hurt here? I made the path. I strung the rope. Damn it, I put in the wire for intercoms.”

Hannah turned. “Would that be the wire you were working on when you shot yourself in the leg with a nail gun?”

“I didn’t shoot myself. The damn thing misfired.”

“Uh huh. So while you were doing something for Ava, because she’s blind, you had an accident that could have killed you—” She put up her hand to stop his argument. “Could have killed you. I was there, thank you very much. And so was Ava and she couldn’t help you. Can you imagine what that was like for her? The helplessness? Feeling your blood and not being able to get help?”

He shrugged, not wanting to picture Ava afraid and helpless. “Would have been the same if I’d been alone.”

“Oh, that’s a nice thing to tell your partner in life. Hey, if I’m ever hurt, being alone won’t be any worse than if you’re with me. Very nice.”

He felt like he was being scolded by his CO instead of his little sister.

“So you had the accident because you were looking at her about to walk into a table saw instead of watching what you were doing. Is that about it?”

“It was my fault for leaving it out.”

“And if she could see, you wouldn’t have had to put it away. Do you want to go round and round with the blame game?”

“No. I don’t. I don’t blame her, damn it.”

“But she blames herself. You made mistakes that night at the football game, and fine,” she added when he raised his hand to argue. “You made mistakes before that, but I wasn’t even hurt, didn’t have a scratch on me. And you still left, afraid you’d continue to act like the teenager you were.

“You made a choice. I wonder how Ava feels, knowing it’s not a choice for her. You grew and matured. She can’t change what she is. She’ll never see. She’ll always need a certain amount of help. And she knows that anyone who cares about her will always have to be on the lookout, trying to keep her safe. Just think about it.”

“Okay, brat.” He stood, and for the first time in too many years, he reached for his little sister, pulled her into a long hug. “I love you.”

Her arms wrapped around him. “I love you too.”

“I didn’t fight for her,” he said after a moment.

“No, you didn’t.”

“I’m an idiot.”

Hannah laughed. “Yes, you are. But you can change that.”

He could. And he would.

* * *

Ava had been backin New York for a week and still felt like she was just going through the motions. She got up, dressed for work, walked to the corner coffee shop, and ordered her usual skinny mocha latte. She worked, answered questions about her dad and accepted everyone’s warm greetings on her return. Then she walked home, picking up take–out that she didn’t feel like eating.

She’d texted Luke, asking how he was. He’d answered better, asked how she was, but obviously, nothing was the same between them. She missed him. And even though she tried not to miss him to the point of misery, she did, on top of second guessing her decision to end things.

But even if he hadn’t said the words now, he would eventually. Something else would happen. She was right to end things now instead of later.

She skipped the bagel, she hadn’t been that hungry lately, and took her coffee to go. Using her cane, she made her way two more blocks then into the UN building.

“Hey! Ava!”

She cringed, not in the mood to run into her ex. She was tired. She hadn’t been sleeping well since she got back either. But she stopped, turned, with a pasted on smile.

“Hi.”

She knew by his voice he’d been a few feet away when he greeted her, but the next thing she knew, he was wrapping her up in a hard, shocking hug. She didn’t hug him back, was barely getting her balance back when he let her go.

“Wow! So good to see you. I heard you were back.”

“Yep. Here I am.” She didn’t know what to say to him, it was so odd, but she felt…nothing, really. Maybe a mild irritation at being grabbed without warning. But that was all. She felt nothing like the warm tingles she felt when Luke touched her. Her heart didn’t flutter and swell when she heard his voice.

“Ava?”

“What? Sorry.”

“I asked if you had anything interesting on the schedule today.”

“Oh. I’m not sure. I was just going up to my office.”

Before, she’d always known what was coming up. Always checked and researched who she’d be sitting in with on what meeting. She still liked her work, but maybe it had lost a little of its glitter.

So had Blake. He smelled the same in his dry-cleaned suit, the same splash of cologne he never left home without. As he went on about his latest project in the IT department, she imagined he was wearing his black leather dress shoes, and had a tie cinched up to his throat. Luke would never work a job in which he wore a tie every day.

She’d been so afraid to lose this man in front of her. And because of him she’d been so afraid to let herself take a chance with Luke. Because even though she did worry that she’d be a hindrance to him, and even if there was a niggling fear about losing the independence of the city, that’s not why she’d left. She’d left for the exact reason Luke had said. She was afraid.

Being alone was safer. Living in the city was safer. But it didn’t feel as safe as it once had. Or maybe safe wasn’t the right word. Maybe it just didn’t feel right. Not without Luke, she thought, and her throat closed up so tightly it threatened to choke her. The truth was her life wasn’t so good without him. It had nothing to do with where she lived.

Blake went on a bit more about the changes that had been made to the lounge area. Paint color changes, new furniture. It was all about how it looked, sleek and updated. Nothing specific that she could readily imagine. Like he didn’t even remember that she couldn’t see.

“Blake, can I ask you something?”

“Um… Sure,” he said, sounding almost surprised that she’d stopped him mid-sentence.

“Did you really hate being blind so much?”

“What?”

“Did you hate it? Hate your life? Or were we happy?”

“Well, I’m not sure, Ava.”

“Yes, you are. It’s a simple question. What if the surgery hadn’t worked? Would you have moved on? Continued on as you were?” She already knew the answer, she just didn’t know why it was just occurring to her.

“If you’re asking if I would have been happy if it hadn’t worked, I think the obvious answer is, no.”

“Not happy that it didn’t work, just happy. With me, with yourself, with life.”

“I’m not sure I see the difference.”

That’s what she’d thought.

“Look,” he said. “I hated knowing people were looking at me, at us. Then after… people still looked.”

“Because of me.”

“Yes. I don’t want to hurt you, but yes. Only then I could see them and it was worse.”

“But they weren’t looking at you, they were looking at me. I assume.”

“Yes, but I was with you.”

“Ahh.”

“Ava, I’m sorry.”

She smiled. “You don’t have to apologize, Blake. Don’t apologize for being who you are.” And I won’t apologize for feeling sorry for you.

A man so self-conscious, who cares so much about what other people think, that he’d leave his wife.

Luke wouldn’t care. Luke was the type of man to do what he wanted, be who he was. And the world could take it or leave it.

And she’d left it.

“Have a good day, Blake,” she said, happily walking away from her past, and bitterly regretting walking away from what might have been her future.