You’re Still The One by Erika Kelly

Chapter Seven

“Doing what?”she asked.

As much as he didn’t want to have this conversation, his body sparked with the anticipation of it. This volatile thing he’d held inside for so many years—he hadn’t even known how badly he’d wanted to confront her. He glanced at the dashboard clock. They had twenty minutes before the enchiladas came out of the oven.

But first, he had to get his head on right. He couldn’t attack her. She hadn’t done anything wrong.

It wasn’t her fault she hadn’t loved him the way he’d loved her. It didn’t make her a bad person. It just made her bad for him.

So, where he would have braked for the turn to the Homesteader Inn, he pressed the accelerator and kept on going straight.

“Hey.” She swung around in her seat. “You missed the turn-off.”

“We need to get some things clear.”

“Oh, that’s rich. Do you actually think your attitude towards me isn’t clear? Do you think I’m confused about the radioactive anger rolling off you when you so much as look at me? Believe me. You made yourself crystal clear when you dumped me. I get it. I can’t be trusted because I’m impulsive. I don’t think anything through. And, you know, if that’s my worst flaw, then I think I’m doing all right.”

“That’s not what I was going to say.”

“And since we’re doing this, I think you were a dick for letting me go. Now, I strongly suggest you turn back around because I don’t need a recap of all the reasons you don’t want to be with me.”

He shot her an incredulous look. “You’re the one who asked me the question.”

“Yeah, well, that’s when you were open and nice. I don’t want to hear about my flaws when you’re all intense and dark and dangerous.”

“I’m dangerous now?”

“Uh, considering you’re breaking all posted speed limits, yeah. Besides, I don’t need an answer. Your actions speak loud enough. But if you insist on speaking your mind, you’d better slow down because I really don’t want to jump out of a speeding truck. These pants cost me two hundred and forty dollars at Barney’s annual sale.”

This energy—this is what it felt like to be with her. The excitement, the attraction, the connection—even when they were fighting. It was dazzling, so he sped up.

“Oh, for God’s sake. Who’s the impulsive one now?” She reached for the dashboard—drama queen. “Slow down. You’re going to get a ticket.”

“How about you stop talking for five seconds so I can answer the question you asked?”

“No, thanks. I don’t need to hear all the reasons you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.” That’s the whole fucking problem. He gripped the steering wheel, pressing down on the accelerator.

“What’s that about?” She made a circling motion toward his face. “See, there you go getting all dark and dangerous like we’re going to drive off a cliff together.”

“Can you stop talking?”

“No, I don’t want to hear what you’re going to say. Because the only way I can be here in Calamity, in this truck with you right now, is if I have one tiny kernel of hope that you’ll forgive me.”

Jesus, she thinks I’m still hung up on her kissing Trace.

“It’s not about…”

She married someone else.

Six months after we ended.

While I was unable to eat or sleep, she was having the time of her life dating, falling in love, and eloping.

He would never get it out of his mind, those images of her on her honeymoon.

A selfie of them in bed, rumpled sheets, tousled hair, that just-got-laid smile on her gorgeous face.

Fuck this shit. He needed to be on his bike right now. He needed the highway cleared of snow, the chilled air scented with sage and pine trees. He needed speed and wind and wide, open roads. He needed to be anywhere but sitting next to the woman he couldn’t stop wanting, who would never love him the way he’d once loved her.

“See?” she grumbled. “I knew you couldn’t forgive me.”

Because it wasn’t her fault. It just is what it is. He slowed and pulled a U-turn in the deserted road.

“What’re you doing? We haven’t talked yet.”

“You’ve talked enough for both of us. Besides, we have to get back to Austin.”

“All right, fine. I’ll shut my mouth.” She shifted towards him, hitching up a knee, so it rested on the console. “I’m a strong, independent woman. I can take anything you have to say to me. So, go ahead. I’m giving you one free pass to let it rip. It’s just me and you, and our big, huge, tangled ball of feelings, so go for it. I’m a big girl, and you can bet I’ll punch back. You’ve got the ten minutes it’ll take to get us back to the Inn.”

Her permission shifted the tectonics of his heart, unleashing a toxic cloud of emotion. Wheeling the truck around, he got back onto the highway.

Not taking his eyes off the road, he said, “I fucking loved you, Stella.”

Her jaw snapped shut. She obviously hadn’t expected that.

Neither had he. “I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you, and I never will. But you…” No, he couldn’t talk about it in terms of what she’d done. That wouldn’t be fair. He had to keep it about himself. His feelings. “You’re—” Fuck, he’d done it again.

“Don’t manage the conversation. See? That’s what you do. You manage your brothers and sister’s lives, you take care of Austin, and you don’t need to do that with me.”

He jerked the wheel, pulling back onto the shoulder and nosing the truck into snow-covered sage brush. “You’re right. I was a dick for letting you go. I figured that out about two minutes after you ran. I spent a month burning off my anger and five trying to find you. I got to Dallas right about the time you’d taken your first vacation.” He paused, barely able to say the words. “You were on your honeymoon.”

It was like lightning hit the interior of his truck. The discharge of energy was so violent, Stella actually flinched. And then she went stone-still.

Idling in Park, he shifted towards her. “You got married, Stella.”

Tears glittered, and she swiped under her eye. But she didn’t say a word.

“Oh, now you have nothing to say?”

“You came to Dallas?” The whispered words sounded tortured.

He gave one curt nod.

“To get me back?” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I didn’t know.”

“It wouldn’t have changed anything. You were married.”

“I can’t even imagine…”

“You can’t imagine what?”

“I would’ve died if you’d gotten married.” The words came out like she’d scraped them off the asphalt.

That about sums it up.

“That’s one of the main reasons I didn’t come home. When I got the call from Diane, all I could think about was walking down the street and finding you with another woman, each of you holding the hand of a little girl. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t.”

“Look, it’s not your fault. I’m not blaming you for falling in love with someone else. But if you want to know why I’m not thrilled to see you, that’s why.”

“I didn’t love him.”

“Stella…” He let out a huff of breath. “I thought we were going to be honest with each other?”

“I didn’t. I was so scared. My sister hated me, my boyfriend dumped me, and I was alone for the first time in my life. And then Logan came along and swept me away.”

The blade sank into an old wound, the pain so sharp and lethal he sucked in a breath.

Her hand pressed to his arm. “No, no, I don’t mean it like that. It was never about love. I meant that he swept me into his life. He’s a charmer, and he makes everyone feel like they’re his best friends. And I needed that. We barely knew each other, and there I was on video calls with his parents and his childhood friends. I had no one, and he stepped in and filled the void.”

“I saw the pictures.” His tone said Cut the crap.

“What pictures? What do you mean?”

“On Splashagram. Of your honeymoon.”

“Oh, God.” She tipped her head back, features twisted in pain. “Griffin, I’m so sorry. I had no idea anyone saw them. I deleted that account. I felt like such a fool.” Her voice went thick with emotion. “I never loved him. I was still in love with you, and he knew that.”

“You told him?”

“Of course I did. It was all I could think about. I’d lost the love of my life. But it’s not like I had to say anything. God, I was a mess. It hit me at the most random times. I’d be driving to work or taking a shower, and bam. I’d have that memory of you saying we’re done, and I’d start crying again. So hard, he’d come into the bathroom, wrap me in a towel, and spoon with me until I got ahold of myself.”

He wanted to believe her, but those photographs had built a house he’d lived in for a very long time, and it would take more than words to burn it down. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“What doesn’t? Are you saying I’m lying?”

“No, I’m saying it doesn’t make sense to marry someone who’s still crying over her ex.”

She let out a bitter laugh. “No, it doesn’t. I don’t know how to explain our relationship.”

“Try.”

Holding his gaze, she had to have seen how much it mattered to him because she gave a gentle nod. “I can only speak for myself, but I was scared and alone, and he gave me the big family I’d run away from. I can only assume he married me because I gave him a home base. I mean, he’s in the NFL. His whole life is football and travel and press. I was someone to check in with at the end of the day, someone to come home to.”

“You married him, Stella. You don’t exchange vows unless you have strong feelings for each other.” And that’s my issue.

Because the idea of marrying anyone other than Stella…it just didn’t compute. Still.

“Yes, I had big feelings. And they were fear, not love, so you can sit there and impose your judgment of what I felt when I was eighteen, or you can hear me when I tell you how scared I was. I grew up in a big family in a town where everyone knew me, where I was special. And it didn’t take long to find out that, outside of the county limits, I was nobody.”

But it was starting to make sense. Stella had only ever been celebrated and welcomed. The rehearsal dinner was the first time in her life she’d experienced rejection.

He could see that she’d run right into the arms of guy, a team, a family, who saw her with fresh eyes, who thought she was amazing.

“Of all places, how did you wind up in Dallas?”

“My parents caught me right away. I was using the emergency credit card they’d given me, so I didn’t make it too hard for them. But I didn’t start there. I went to Los Angeles, thinking I’d be a model or an actress or something. Little did I know they were tracking every diet Coke I bought and every motel I stayed in.”

“Credit card or not, that must’ve been hard to be on your own like that.”

“It wasn’t as awful as it sounds. Do you remember Lucy Banoff? She moved to LA in fifth grade, but we kept in touch, and she let me crash on her couch. So, it wasn’t like I had nowhere to stay. The hard part was that I’d lost Lulu, and you’d just broken up with me.”

“You fucking kissed Trace, Stella. Let’s not forget that little part of the story. I’m not the bad guy here. I think it was fair for me to be a little pissed off.”

“Of course, it was. I’m just trying to tell you what I was going through, what led me to marry Logan.” Her voice lowered on the last bit of that sentence, and he could tell she was mortified.

And that eased the anger, the tension, because if she was embarrassed by her marriage…maybe those photographs didn’t tell the whole story.

“I’m sorry. Go on. You stayed with Lucy?”

“Yes.” She blinked back tears. “But that didn’t go well because all I did was cry. I couldn’t even get out of bed. And Lucy…she was beside herself. She’d expected her sunny, fun friend from Calamity. She wasn’t equipped to handle a woman having a total breakdown.”

“It didn’t have to be like that. Your family would’ve been there for you.”

“But you wouldn’t. You made that clear. And I just couldn’t live with myself knowing I’d lost you.” She wiped the tears and shifted in her seat. “Anyhow, when my parents found me, I was a total mess. My dad said he had a friend who’d hire me. He let me keep the emergency credit card until I moved to Dallas and got my first paycheck as an intern for the team. And then I was on my own. And let me tell you, I threw myself into that job. It was about survival. I was living in a boarding house until I could afford my own apartment. I was totally on my own, and I had to make it work.”

“Sounds scary.”

“It was, but everyone was good to me.”

He chuckled. “That’s one of the things I loved about you. ‘It was scary, but…’ You always find the good in everything. ‘I was devastated, but…’ Most people aren’t like that. I’m not like that.”

“Well, I mean, everyone was so nice to me. The guys invited me out to parties and clubs, and I went along, but I had a broken heart and no interest in dating anyone.”

“Except Logan.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. “He’s one of those fun guys who sweeps everyone into his orbit.” She said it quietly, focused on the hands in her lap. “And I jumped right in, organizing dinners, renting out clubs. I was the party planner for the ultimate party boy.”

He could see that. The walls of his house went from cement to paper.

And that made him uncomfortable. “But you did have feelings for him? You married him, so you obviously felt something. That’s all I’m asking. That’s all I want to know.”

She went quiet for a moment, the only sound the occasional whoosh of a car sailing past on the highway. “I felt…relief. I felt…less alone. I don’t know what you want me to say—well, actually, I do. You want me to say that it was some whirlwind romance, but it wasn’t like that. It was a scary time. I was a mess, and then this guy comes along and takes my hand and says, Come on, follow me. I’ll take care of you. And so, I did. I followed.”

“What went wrong?”

“He cheated. The entire time he was on the road, he acted like he was still single. I’d never been cheated on, so I didn’t even consider the possibility. But it wasn’t like he tried to hide it. He’s got this big personality. Everyone flocks to him. And he’s just one of those go-with-the-flow kinds of people, so if someone wanted to get naked, he was down for it.”

“Didn’t he try to be discreet? For your sake?”

“Not at all. In fact, he was shocked I was upset. He was like, This is what we do. We fuck around on the road, but we always come home to our families.”

“He sounds like an asshole.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Pretty sure I’m the asshole for not paying attention, for only seeing what I wanted to see. Besides, I was more embarrassed than devastated. He didn’t have my heart, so it’s not like he could break it. Anyhow, I filed for divorce, and that’s when I had to do the hard work. I was alone for the first time. It was just me, alone in my apartment, scared shitless. It took me a solid year after leaving him to get on my own two feet and make friends.”

“I’m sorry you went through all that.” But he knew he didn’t sound it. Because he still had so much anger.

No. He should probably stop calling it anger.

Because that’s not what it was. He was hurt. A hurt so deep it had sunk into his bones, making them ache.

She looked miserable. “I can’t imagine what you’re thinking, me marrying somebody six months after we broke up. It sounds so awful.”

He didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He just stared out the windshield, wanting to disappear into the sheer darkness of nighttime in the mountains.

Beside him, she shifted, her nervous energy filling the truck. “You can say it, you know. You can say you can’t believe I did that. Hell, I can’t believe I did it. Truth is, I loved you with everything I was back then, and I couldn’t believe you threw me away over a kiss you knew meant nothing to me.”

Only when she put her hand over his did he realize how hard he was gripping his knee. His other hand held the wheel so tightly his knuckles had gone white. “Talk to me, please. We’re letting it all out, remember? Say it.”

He felt strange. The emptiness—the hollowness—didn’t mesh with the tension in his body. With the tightness of his lungs.

“Please?” she whispered urgently.

It was her softness, the openness, that broke through. It wasn’t enough to tell her he knew she’d gotten married. She needed to see all the way down to the still-open wound. “I didn’t do hockey with the other guys.” After he and his friends had damaged private property building dirt bike courses, their parents had sat them down. But instead of a punishment, they’d all gotten hockey sticks. Instead of grounding the ten-year-olds, their parents had given them a focus for their wild energy.

And it had worked. They’d thrown all their energy into it. But the better they became the more training was involved. And when his friends joined the Mountain West elite team, Griffin had bowed out. “Because it would’ve taken me away from you.”

Her hand grew too hot, so he pulled his out. He didn’t want to upset her. He never wanted to hurt this woman, but she asked, and so he’d answer. “Even if I couldn’t have you, I wanted to be around you any chance I could.” He didn’t look at her when he said, “I dropped out of college to be with you.”

“Griffin…”

She sounded remorseful, and he didn’t want that. “That was my choice, and I don’t regret it. I like owning the shop, and making custom and spec bikes? That’s the little kid in me who tinkered with dirt bikes in the garage living his dream. I’m telling you I knew when we were kids, and I knew when I finally got to be with you at nineteen, that you were the only girl for me.” He couldn’t help himself from reaching for a lock of her silky blonde hair. “I will always want you. You’re my barn owl.”

“Your what?” She let out a shaky laugh. “They better be animals who mate for life.”

He nodded. “And I’ll never want anyone the way I wanted you, but you married someone else, and you can tell me you didn’t love him, you can tell me you did it out of fear, but the truth is that I saw those photographs of you on your honeymoon. And, Stella, you were happy.” He lowered his hand and looked away. “And I believe that you’ll be happy again…with someone else.” He shifted in his seat, ready to crank the engine. “So, there you go. We got it all out, and now we both need to move on. If we’re going to be together because of Austin, there can’t be any drama between us. My priority is him.” Conversation over.

But Stella had fire in her eyes. “You saw some photographs on social media, and somehow you know what was in my heart? Well, let me tell you something, you smug ass, you want to know how I feel about something, you can ask me. But don’t you ever get on your high horse again and tell me what or who I am.”

“Okay.” He hit the button to start his truck.

“No, it’s not okay.” She lunged over the console and punched it off. “I did a terrible, stupid thing, and I hurt you. And, yes, I’m embarrassed that I married Logan, but I can’t take it back. I can’t erase it. The only thing I can do is tell you I never loved him, and I’ll never love anyone the way I loved you. Do you hear me? So, you can just drop this notion that somehow your love was loftier or purer than mine. You’re just wrong.”

“How am I wrong? I saw the pictures. You were laughing, having the time of your life. And it sure as hell looked like the sex was really fucking great. I don’t know why you can’t just admit it. You’re an impulsive person, passionate person…that’s just who you are.”

“Oh, I see. I’m fickle. My emotions turn on a dime. I get it.” Even though she tried to sound defiant, the fire in her had dimmed. “I don’t know why I bother.” She shook her head. “You know what? Fuck you. I’m a passionate woman, and I’m not going to apologize for who I am.”

“I don’t want you to apologize.” A fireball of lust sped through his bloodstream, waking him the fuck up and making his senses sing. “I fucking love your passion. That’s what makes this so damn hard.” He wrapped his hand around her wrist and yanked her toward him, gripping the back of her neck, and pressing his mouth over hers. Don’t do it. Don’t fucking do it.

But she made this sexy little sound in the back of her throat, half moan, half cry, all aroused woman, and he broke. He licked inside her mouth, and the indescribable softness, the slick heat, made his heart burst. He coaxed her tongue into play, kissing her with all the frustration and anger and regret he’d hoarded for seven long years.

She tasted so good, like strawberries and iced tea, and her scent filled his senses until he was nothing but a pulsing, throbbing ball of desire.

Fingers tightening on her neck, he pressed his forehead against hers. “You make me feel alive. Swear to God, Stella, I’ve been idling since you left.”

“You don’t have to idle. You know that, don’t you? I’m right here.”

Yes, and that was the problem. She hadn’t simply shown up in town. He didn’t get to glance at her as he drove down the street. He wasn’t just passing her on the highway on his way to work.

She’d fucking dropped into his life in the role of fiancée.

When he didn’t respond, when he forced himself to let go of her, she crumpled. “I ruined everything.” She settled back in her seat, staring out the windshield. “You’re never going to trust me again.”