Waste My Time by Kelsey Clayton

The soundof Kayn's cry rips me straight from my peaceful slumber. I wake in a panic and sit up, barely even opening my eyes before I go to get out of bed. As I stumble down the hallway, it sets in just how tired I am.

I knew having a baby was going to be rough, but I don't think anything could have prepared me for the severe sleep deprivation that comes with it. At least in the hospital, they took him to the nursery to let us get some sleep. The last few days we've been home, I feel like I've been in a perpetual state of awake with the occasional catnap.

Kayn cries inside his crib, and honestly, I feel like crying with him. I lift him up and cradle him in my arms as I take him over to the changing table. With my eyes only half open, I change his diaper before realizing that I forgot to grab a bottle.

“Shit,” I groan quietly.

Easton snorts behind me. “That'll be a great first word.”

As I turn around, I see he's got the bottle, and he's never looked sexier to me than right now. He comes closer and takes Kayn out of my arms.

“I've got him,” he tells me. “You go get more rest.”

My heart swells as I watch him sit in the rocking chair with our son. “Are you sure?”

He nods. “Lacking sleep is something I'm used to at this point, but you're not. I've got him. I promise. Go back to bed.”

My shoulders sag, and I almost confess my love right then and there, but instead, I bite my tongue. Confessing that right now would probably lead to a conversation that I am way too tired to have right now. So, I do exactly what he told me to.

I go back to bed.

IT TAKES A FEW more days, but by the end of the first week, I'm finally starting to feel like we've got a system down. We move around the kitchen with an unmatched skill, completely aware of what the other is doing with a minimal amount of effort. Amelia and Zayn sit at the island, watching Easton and me.

I bounce Kayn in my arms as I put the coffee grinds into the machine and hit start. Meanwhile, Easton makes his bottle. When he's done, he passes me the bottle and I walk over to the table to pull out a chair.

“Shit,” I groan. “I forgot a—”

“Burp cloth,” he finishes for me, already tossing one to me. “And what did I tell you about cursing in front of him?”

I catch the mini-towel and roll my eyes. “He's not even a week old, Easton. And besides. I'm sure he will learn a lot worse from you.”

Easton chuckles and waits for the coffee to be done while I feed the baby, burping him every couple minutes. When the coffee machine beeps, he takes two cups and makes some for each of us. He puts the cup—the coffee prepared exactly how I like it—down on the table and takes Kayn from my arms.

“Hey, little man,” he coos. “I'm just going to put you in your swing.”

I watch as he bounces him and kisses his head before strapping him into his baby swing, the most critical piece of equipment we own at this point. After turning it on and making sure he's safe, he comes to sit next to me. As he brings his cup to his mouth, however, he freezes.

“What?” he asks Amelia.

She smirks and shakes her head. “Nothing. You two are just disgustingly domesticated.”

“That's what happens when you make a baby together,” I tell her.

Chuckling, she puts her hands up in defense. “I never said it was a bad thing. It's cute.”

I leave it alone because the phrase cute walks on the line of dangerous territory. Since having Kayn, Easton and I have kept things in a very safe zone of friends and coparents. As much as sometimes I want to scream in his face that he's everything to me, I would never have the balls to actually do it.

There's also the fact that I don't know what I would do without Easton at this point. He's been taking the nighttime feedings so I can sleep, which usually ends in him sleeping on the couch by about 10 AM. The rest of the time, though, he's up and willing to do anything I need to help. Seeing how hands-on he is with Kayn is everything.

Looking over at Easton, I notice that even drinking his coffee, his attention is on the baby. He glances over at me when he feels my eyes on him and he smiles.

“What?”

I shake my head and go back to my coffee. “Nothing.”

Pussy.

WE PULL UP TO the house after getting home from Kayn's first doctor appointment. It went as well as it could have, if you don't count me crying because I'm still super hormonal and he's already a whole week old. He's healthy and gaining weight exactly as he should. It's everything we could hope for.

As I get out of the car, Easton grabs Kayn's car seat from the back. He's sound asleep inside of it, but that's to be expected with a newborn. As E says all the time, all he does is eat, poop, and sleep. Kind of like his dad.

“Do you want me to let him sleep in here, or should I attempt to put him in his crib?” he asks as we walk up the steps.

I purse my lips. “Probably just leave him there. If you try to take him out, he's going to wake up and we've seen what he's like when he's overtired.”

“Good point,” he chuckles.

The door opens and we step inside, but the sight in front of me stops me in my tracks. Amelia smiles nervously at me as the two people next to her turn to face me.

“Mom?” I ask, confused and yet trying to mask my terror at them being here. “Dad? What are you guys doing here?”

It's not that I don't want them here. I love my parents. It's just that my mom has a tendency to be overbearing at times, and my dad, while he means well, lacks a backbone. Ultimately, it's just more than I wanted to deal with this soon. I'm still getting in the swing of things.

My mom gets up from the couch and comes toward us. “You had a baby, Kennedy. Did you think I wasn't going to come meet my grandson as soon as I could?” She bends down to peek in the car seat. “Oh my word, he's even cuter in person!”

Kayn starts to stir and Easton puts the car seat down and lifts him out before handing him to my mom. She coos and holds him with a practiced skill of a mother who has done this multiple times.

“I'm going to let you spend time with your parents,” Easton tells me softly. “I'll be in the other room if you need me.”

My dad gives him a look as he leaves the room, but then he's quickly distracted by my mom bringing the baby over to him. I lean against the wall and sigh as I watch them with my son.

This is going to be a long visit.

FORTY EIGHT HOURS. THAT'S all the time it takes for my mom to overstep. We're sitting at lunch and enjoying a perfectly good meal, when she throws something out there that damn near causes me to choke on my food.

“W-what?” I ask once I'm able to breathe again.

“I want you to move home,” she repeats.

Not even considering it, I shake my head. “No. That's not happening. Kayn's life is here.”

She raises the baby up and lays him against her chest. “I understand that, but how are you going to handle this all alone?”

“I'm not alone, Mom. I have Easton.”

“Yes, but Easton is still a college student,” she explains. “And so are you. Are you planning on dropping out?”

“No.”

“Is Easton dropping out to be a stay at home dad?”

“Not that I know of.”

She gives me a knowing look. “Which one of you is going to get a job so you can afford diapers and formula? That generous gift card from your friend is only going to last so long, Kennedy.”

“I-I don't know,” I murmur, hating that I can't seem to put her in her place on this one.

“There's a lot you don't know, but you're a mother now, sweetie. You don't have the ability to just not know anymore.”

As her words sink in, I drop my fork on my plate. No matter how delicious the food is, I don't have an appetite anymore. Everything she's saying is valid, but I couldn't actually leave Easton. To take Kayn away from him would be cruel. He's already become such an amazing dad.

“Just think about transferring to a university near us,” she continues. “We could help take care of Kayn while you finish your degree and then you can get a good job to support the two of you.”

“And what about Easton?” My voice comes out practically like a whisper, as if I can't believe I'm actually considering this.

She presses her lips together and smiles sympathetically at me. “If he loves you, he will understand. You two can work something out, I'm sure.”

As Kayn starts to cry, my mom's attention is taken off me and put onto him. It's something I'm grateful for, because this conversation is not one I can handle right now. I'd be lying if I said she's completely out of her mind. She asked questions I don't have answers to and makes points that I never thought of before.

All I know is I have a lot to think about.

EASTON ROCKS KAYN IN his arms, shushing me as I come into the room. He puts him down in his crib and we carefully walk out the door. He shuts it behind us and we both go down the hall.

“It took forever to get him down for some reason,” he tells me.

I sit on the bed and lean against the wall. “Do you think he's sick?”

He shakes his head. “He skipped his last nap because Amelia was playing with him. Overtired Kayn is a tiny dictator that could take over the world, I swear.”

A small laugh leaves my mouth. Easton goes into the bathroom and starts the shower. He takes his shirt off and tosses it into the basket.

“Is everything you own covered in spit up or is it just my clothes?”

It's meant to be a joke, but it goes right over my head as I'm lost in thought. And before I can second guess myself, I open my mouth and let the words come out.

“My mom thinks I should move home,” I announce.

His back is to me as I say it, and I watch as he freezes. “Oh?”

“Yeah. She thinks I should transfer to a school down there so they can watch the baby while I finish my degree.”

He nods, still not looking at me. “And how do you feel about that idea?”

I swallow down a lump in my throat. “Well, at first I thought she was nuts. But the more I think about it, the more I think she might have a point. I mean, what's our plan if I stay here? Who keeps going to school? Who is going to get a job? What's our plan, E?”

There's a part of me, a huge part, that is begging for him to fight for me.

To tell me not to go.

To demand that I not even consider this ridiculous idea.

To at the very least put up an argument.

But my heart drops as he leans against the doorway and looks down at the ground. “Well, if that's what you want to do, I won't stop you. But we'll have to come up with a plan for Kayn because I'm not a deadbeat dad. I won't abandon him, no matter where you're at.”

The urge to scream is overwhelming as I realize we really are just friends. Just coparents. Just two people who happened to have a baby together after the relationship went sour. And the worst part of all is that I blame myself. The little voice in my head tells me that I should have stayed from the get go. I should have pushed through the hard times and given him more time to fix it. Maybe then we wouldn't have ended up here.

“O-okay.” I run my fingers through my hair and force myself to look away from him. “We can do that. Sure.”

He pushes off the doorway and closes the bathroom door before getting in the shower, and I'm left to hold myself together as the reality makes it hard to breathe.

AMELIA COMES HOME FROM work early one night, when Easton and Zayn are out celebrating Zayn's bachelor party. Knox flew in this morning, and apparently the idea of waiting to have a guys’ night was too much for them. I guess I can't blame two out of the three. Easton spends most of his time helping me take care of Kayn while Z has to hear him cry in the middle of the night.

What started as their bachelor pad now has two women and a baby living in it.

Tossing down her purse, Amelia makes grabby hands at the baby. “Okay. I need nephew time.”

I hand him over willingly. “Take him. I could use the break.”

“That bad?” she asks.

“I mean, he's a good baby. But he's a total daddy's boy.” I run my fingers through my hair as I deliver the news I know is going to wreck her. “It's going to be hard for him to adjust when I leave for Texas.”

She keeps her attention on Kayn, playing with his tiny hands as she talks to me. “Oh, are you going to visit your parents?”

“No,” I tell her, and then pause to get a handle on myself. “I'm moving back to Texas.”

Her eyes double in size as her head whips up to face me. “You're what? No. No, you're not.”

“Amelia,” I breathe.

She stands up and puts Kayn in his swing. “No. No fucking way. You can't!”

“I have to. If I stay here, I'll have to drop out of college to take care of him, and I want him to have a mom he can look up to. My parents can help watch him as I finish school.”

“But what about Easton? What about the family you've created?” she yells.

I get up from the couch so that I'm eye level with her. “We're going to work something out so that he's still involved in Kayn's life.”

“Still involved,” she repeats, making it sound like the most disgusting thing she's ever said. “That's a fucking joke. How could you do this to him? I trusted you!”

A lump forms in my throat and I look away. “I'm sorry. I don't blame you if you hate me.”

That manages to get through to her because she sighs and her voice drops a few levels. “I could never hate you, Ken, but seriously? You two work so well together, and you're just going to take him and leave?”

“I have to do what's best for Kayn.”

“And this is what's best for him? Moving away from his dad?”

I don't answer, because I'm not completely sure it's the right thing to do. I stare up at the ceiling and blink back the tears, but Amelia isn't as strong. She just lets hers fall.

“What about you and Easton?” she says sadly. “I was counting on you being my sister-in-law one day.”

“That's not going to happen.”

Her brows furrow. “You don't know that.”

“I do,” I murmur.

She scoffs. “Oh, right. The all-knowing Kennedy. How dare I doubt you.”

It's clear she's getting angry again, and honestly, I expected it. But one thing about Amelia is that she doesn't know when to quit.

“Did you even talk to him about your future together? Did you even try?”

She continues to shout questions that also feel like accusations at me, and each one hits me right where it hurts.

“You do know he loves you, right? Like he's actually in love with you,” she keeps going.

“He's not.”

“Oh, stop with the denial shit.”

Finally, my restraint snaps. “He didn't fight for me!”

She flinches at my tone. “What?”

“He. Didn't. Fight. For. Me.” I enunciate every word to make sure she really understands. “I told him my mom was encouraging me to move to Texas, and he didn't fight for me. He didn't argue it. He didn't fight. He didn't even ask me to stay. He didn't fight for me.”

Amelia stares back at me, completely silent, until it all becomes clear. “Oh my God.”

“Don't, please,” I beg.

“You're still in love with him.”

I shake my head and wrap my arms around myself. “Seriously, Meelz. Don't do this right now. It doesn't matter anymore.”

She looks at me like I've lost my mind. “Like fuck it doesn't. You know damn well he feels the same way.”

“He doesn't,” I answer honestly. “He used to, yes. But after everything with Alec happened, it changed. He stopped looking at me as the girl he's in love with and started looking at me as just the mother of his child. And I can't blame him for that. There's just too much damage there. So, please, if you love me at all, just leave it alone.”