Waste My Time by Kelsey Clayton
Haveyou ever felt like you were drowning? Like everything is okay, nothing is actually wrong, but you feel like the air is too thick to breathe and you can't seem to get enough oxygen in your lungs?
I feel it constantly. I can't tell if it's anxiety or the universe getting back at me. Like it's karma's way of making me feel what Alec did as he gurgled on his own blood. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if I pissed off some higher power. I've known I was going to hell since the first grade, and what I did to Alec only wrote my fate in stone.
But Kennedy? Kennedy is a breath of fresh air. A dose of pure oxygen straight to my bloodstream. She makes all the bad things better and my demons tolerable. And every second she's around, her warmth finds a way to melt some more of the ice in me. But she deserves so much better than a soulless prick.
IT HAPPENS ON A Tuesday. Kennedy screams in the bathroom as I'm lying down, and I damn near break every limb I have jumping out of bed. I reach the doorway to find her standing there in a puddle of liquid with fear in her eyes.
“What's wrong? What happened?” I ask urgently.
She starts to breath heavily. “I-I think my water just broke.”
“Okay.” My tone is calm, because clearly she's not. “We're prepared for this. Let's clean you up and I'll call the doctor while I put the hospital bag in the car.”
Shaking her head rapidly, she cradles her belly. “No. I'm only a little over 37 weeks. We're not ready. I'm not ready.”
Careful not to step in the amniotic fluid that covers the floor, I get as close to her as I can and put my hands on her cheeks. “We are ready. And remember what they told you at our last ultrasound? As of last week, you're considered full term. It's going to be fine.”
“But what if he's not okay?”
A few months ago, Amelia jokingly gave me a Dad's edition of What to Expect When You’re Expecting book, but the joke was on her when I ended up reading every damn word of it. And it said this would happen. That worries happen when it comes time to give birth and exactly how to deal with them.
I give her a comforting smile. “Then the hospital is exactly where we want to be, isn't it?”
She thinks it over for a second and then nods. I call Amelia into the room and have her call the doctor while Zayn puts the bag in the car and I help Kennedy change her clothes. Once we're ready to go, we make our way downstairs and out the front door. It isn't until I get into the back seat with Kennedy that it hits me.
I'm becoming a dad today.
WE GET TO THE hospital to find our OB/GYN, Dr. Gabriel, already waiting for us in the lobby. A nurse is holding a wheelchair for Kennedy and comes out to help her from the car. I leave the bag in the trunk, knowing Zayn will get it for me, and follow them inside while Z and Amelia park the car.
“Hey, Kennedy,” the doctor greets her. “How are you feeling?”
She lets out a shaky breath. “Is he supposed to be this early? I mean, I know he was measuring ahead of schedule, but is two and a half weeks too early?”
The doctor puts a hand on her shoulder as we get into an elevator. “Thirty-seven weeks is perfectly fine, especially for his size. And if I'm not worried, you shouldn't be either.”
To my relief, she seems to relax a little at that, and as the elevator starts to rise, I mouth a silent thank you to Dr. Gabriel.
EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT HOWhard labor is. How much it hurts. How it's the most intense thing a woman will ever go through. But my God, you don't understand it until you see it.
The contractions that rip through her body as it tries to expel our son.
The way she grips the bed to try to battle against the pain.
The fucking eight centimeter needle she gets in her back for the epidural.
All I'm saying is I've got a whole new level of respect for women after this. We might have to deal with the pain of getting kicked in the balls every once in a while, but at least we don't go through this shit.
Our friends sit out in the waiting room, all waiting patiently for the birth of our son, while Amelia is in the room with Kennedy and me. According to the text Zayn sent me an hour or so ago, even my parents are out there. Kennedy’s parents would probably be here as well if they weren’t on a safari tour in Africa. It's comforting, knowing everyone cares so much, but I have only one thing, one person, on my mind.
Everything is going well, and for a minute, I think we're through the freaking out stage. That is, until the doctor comes in and tells her it's time to push. As soon as she says that, it's like a switch is flicked, and Kennedy goes into utter panic mode.
“No,” she murmurs. “Not yet. Just keep him in there.”
I grab her hand and rub my thumb over it. “Baby, this is what we've been waiting for. You want to meet him, right?”
She starts to quiver, and a tear escapes and slides down her cheek as she looks at me. “It's not safe out here. There are psychos with guns and danger out here. I want to keep him in, where he's safe. He should stay where he is.”
My chest tightens as Amelia and I lock eyes. She's been so busy worrying about me that no one noticed how much she's struggling herself.
In a split-second decision, I lean Kennedy forward and climb onto the bed behind her. She leans back against me as I wrap my arms around her.
“I've got you,” I tell her. “Do you hear me? I've got you. I won't ever let anything happen to either of you, but you have to push him out. He can't stay in.”
Sobs wrack through her as she breaks down. “Promise me. Promise he'll be okay.”
“I promise I will do every possible thing in my power to always keep you and our boy safe.” I help hold back one of her legs while Amelia takes the other. “Now, you have to push.”
It's weird, the way it all happens. It feels like it's in slow motion and in the blink of an eye all at once. Kennedy pushes with everything she has as Dr. Gabriel does everything she can to get the baby out. Finally, Ken collapses against me, and that first cry fills the room as they lift up our son.
He's covered in fluid and wailing his little head off, but as I look at him for the first time, I instantly fall in love.
This is my son.
“Dad, you want to cut the cord?” Dr. Gabriel asks me, holding out the scissors.
I nod and slip out from behind Kennedy while she holds our boy and cries tears of joy. Taking the scissors from the doctor, I follow her instructions and cut the umbilical cord. Once I hand her back the scissors, I move up to the head of the bed where Kennedy is staring down at our son.
Watching the two of them, seeing them both right in front of my eyes, I know without a doubt that I had no idea what love truly was until this moment.
AS SOON AS WE'REsettled in the recovery room our family and friends swarm in, all wanting to get their hands on the new baby. We let my parents see him first, with Kennedy's mom and dad on a video call. They all coo over him and talk about how adorable he is, and then leave so that everyone else can get a chance to see him.
Amelia and Tye fight over who gets to cuddle him first, but as intimidating as Tye can be, Amelia is not backing down on this one. She pulls every card she has, including but not limited to being my sister, and takes the baby from Kennedy before Tye even has a chance to argue it.
“He's so perfect,” my sister says, completely in awe of him the same way we all are. “You guys made a really cute kid.”
I shrug. “She did all the hard work. I just had sex.”
Everyone chuckles while Tye lets the baby clutch her finger. “I think this little guy needs a name.”
My gaze locks with Kennedy's and she smiles. “You tell them.”
Amelia looks around, confused. “Tell us what? You finally thought of a name?”
Over the last few weeks, Kennedy and I have gone back and forth on names. We went from something simple like Nicholas all the way to something completely unheard of like Izo. Thankfully, no one can judge me for that one. It’s a name Kennedy was hooked on for at least a few days. But no matter how many names we thought of, nothing really felt right. Nothing until this.
I nod, completely focused on my son. “His name is Kayn. It's a combination of Knox and Zayn.”
The room goes quiet until Zayn lets out a wet, emotional laugh as his head drops. “You named your kid after me?”
“You say that like it's a crazy thing to do,” I say simply. “The two of you saved my life, you especially. I can't think of anyone more worthy of my son being named after.”
It takes a lot for Zayn to get choked up, but as I watch him press his fist to his mouth, I can see it. He stands up and waves me over to him.
“Come here, man.”
We wrap our arms around each other and pound each other's backs, swallowing down our emotions so we don't look like a pair of pussies. When we separate, I notice the girls all sporting tearful eyes—always the sentimental ones.
“Kayn Donovan,” Amelia says softly as she stares down at him. “I love it.”
Carter snorts. “It's great and all, but let me tell you something—Knox really doesn't need that ego boost.”
We all look at each other as the reality sinks in.
Shit, he may have a point.