Stryker’s Fight by Erin Osborne
Chapter One
Sally
I’VE BEEN IN Dander Falls for almost two days now. Still, I haven’t been able to force myself to go to Killian’s grave. My time has been spent with my daughter, Shadow, Renee, and their kids. They haven’t pushed me to talk about things yet, but I know my reprieve is coming to an end. It’s the way Shadow works. He knows something massive is bothering me, and will only give me so much time to work through things on my own before he pushes me to talk to him about what’s going on. Renee will let her husband handle things because he was just as close to Killian as me. We’re the two main ones who still feel his loss as if it just happened yesterday instead of so much longer than that.
Getting out of bed this morning, I make sure Natalia is still sleeping soundly in the bed we’ve been sharing since coming here. She won’t be up for another hour or so if I’m lucky. Getting my things, I head to the shower attached to the room we’re staying in. I turn on the water to the hottest temperature I can stand before stripping out of my pajamas. As I look in the mirror, I take in the dark circles under my eyes and how weary I feel. I haven’t been sleeping very well since we came here. It’s no surprise since I miss Stryker like crazy.
Stepping under the hot water, I let it sluice over my body for a few minutes as silent tears fall from my eyes. They mix with the water and slowly circle down the drain. I’d like to say I’m letting my pain and confusion out, but that’s not exactly true. I’m crying for so many different reasons I can’t even begin to sort everything out. For the pain of feeling as if I’ve lost Stryker, the pain of not having Killian here to watch his daughter grow into the amazing little person she is, and for the confusion filling me about what I want moving forward.
Taking a deep breath, I pull myself together and take my shower. After washing, drying off, and getting dressed in a pair of jean capris and a tank top, I toss my hair up in a messy bun. I really need to go see Darcy while I’m here to get a color and cut. It’s time to change things up a bit I believe. Shaking my head, I clear my thoughts and check on Natalia once again. Finding her still deep in sleep, I make my way to Shadow’s kitchen. He’s the only one up, sitting at a table alone with a cup of coffee in his hand.
Shadow turns his head to face me as he takes a sip of his morning coffee.
“You look like shit,” he tells me as if I don’t already know that.
“Thanks Shadow. Love you too,” I tell him, my tone dry as hell.
“You know I have nothin’ but love for ya, Sally. You’re not sleepin’, barely eatin’, and I know somethin’ is goin’ on for you to have run straight here. Other than Stryker movin’ out of his house. Now, are you gonna tell me what it is? Or do you want me to guess?” he asks me, his voice now filled with concern.
“I’m confused about what I want. Stryker has been nothing but nice to Natalia and me. He loves us even if he won’t tell me that’s what’s in his heart. Shadow, after Killian was killed, I made a promise to myself I’d never let myself fall for another man in a club. Not only is Stryker in a club, he’s the Sergeant at Arms for the club. He’s always putting himself in danger and fighting for sport. How can I let him in when he is constantly putting himself in danger? I can’t go through losing someone else I love,” I tell him, not sure what else I can say. “I’ve given him my body and share a bed with him. That’s all I can let him in, Shadow. If something were to happen to Stryker now, I wouldn’t be able to stand it. Letting him in, it would kill me to know he got hurt and something bad happened to him.”
“Sally, you been around the club for a long time. Not just the Wild Kings, but the Phantom Bastards too. You know how they operate; how we operate. At the end of the day, Stryker is a man who has never let a single woman in his life. He’s a hit it and quit it kind of guy. Like all of us, he has a past and not a lot of people know what’s happened. Certainly not anyone from this club. However, protectin’ the club, the family of the club, that’s who Stryker is. It wouldn’t matter if he were a member of the club or not. He would protect everyone in his life he cared about. That’s part of who he is and how he loves. You have been let into his world and he would gladly give his life for you and Natalia. I’ve seen you with him; witnessed the way he looks at you and watches you and my niece. That man is all in with you.
“You have to make a decision about what you want, Sally. Killian is gone. No matter how much it kills me to say it and realize it on a daily basis, but it’s the truth. Do you think he’d want you to live the rest of your life in misery? Of not lettin’ a man like Stryker love you and let him in to help you take care of his beautiful and amazin’ daughter? He wouldn’t. Killian would have wanted you to move on with your life, but keep him in your heart. It’s time to let him go and tell him goodbye. Stryker will never take Killian’s place in her life, but together we can make sure she knows who her father is and the kind of man he was. Stryker will never get in the way of doin’ that. He’ll make sure she’s loved and knows what she wants in her life. Who she wants in her life,” Shadow tells me, pulling me into his side.
Tears flow down my face once again. Pain fills my chest and I know what Shadow’s telling me is true. It’s time for me to let Killian go and move forward with my life. However, I must determine if Stryker is the man I’m supposed to move on with. That’s the big question I need to find an answer to, and no one can help me with that. I have to look deep within myself to find out what I can and cannot accept. Stryker’s role in his club is essential to his life and who he is as a man. That’s going to be the biggest hurdle for me to get across at this point.
“I’m going to go to the cemetery today. I haven’t been there since we buried him. Can you guys watch over Natalia for me? I don’t want to take her there yet. She doesn’t understand what it means to be dead,” I ask my friend.
“Of course, we will. You head on out of here now before she wakes up. If you don’t go now, I know you’ll talk yourself out of it like you have the last two days.”
Dumping out the rest of my coffee, I nod my head before grabbing my car keys. Leaving the house, there’s a sense of freedom and peace I haven’t felt since Killian was killed. I’m not sure why I have it today of all days, but it’s there and I’m going to take it. Turning on one of my playlists, I let You Should Be Here by Cole Swindell play. This is my go-to song when I’m thinking of Killian. He should be here with us, watching our daughter grow and playing games with her. Teaching her what to look for in a man who’s going to treat her with respect and as if she’s his Queen.
Rolling down the windows, I let the fresh air fill the car while the sun beats down on the world around me. It doesn’t take me long to get to the cemetery. For several long minutes, I sit unmoving in the car with the music still playing and my hands wrapped tight around the steering wheel. I can’t make myself move. As I sit here in the car, I look out over the landscaped grounds with flowers, flags, and other tokens of love sitting at the graves sitting closest to me. Looking around my car, I find a toy motorcycle that was left in here by one of the kids. For some reason, I grab it and finally get out of my car after rolling up the windows and shutting the engine off.
The walk to where members and loved ones of the Wild Kings is long. My slow steps make it even longer than it would normally be. I relish the sun beating down on me warming my skin and heating me from the inside out. I’ve never felt colder in my life as I do walking up to Killian’s grave. Stepping through the fence that surrounds the area for the club, I let my eyes fall on the headstone for Killian. He’s the last one who was buried here and is at the end of the row. I walk over to him, taking in the small planter of flowers sitting at the corner of his stone. There’s a tree sitting just behind his stone on the outside of the fence that’s dropped leaves onto the ground around the area. I focus on them covering the stone, flowers, and ground right in front of his headstone.
Wiping off the top of his stone, I let the leaves fall to the ground and begin picking them up. As I make a small pile of the various colored leaves, I think of what I want to say. I don’t feel stupid or weird talking to Killian as if he were truly here with me. Instead, I let everything out I’ve been keeping inside for so long now.
“Killian, I miss you so damn much. I think about you every day because our daughter Natalia reminds me so much of you. Everything she does and says has some little reminder of you. She’s got your dark hair and eyes, but the rest of her is all me. You’d be so proud of how smart she is. The only down side to how smart she is, is her knowing she doesn’t have a daddy like the rest of her friends. She asks me why she doesn’t have you here in her life. I’ve tried to explain to her why you can’t be with her, but it’s not easy. She doesn’t understand why you’re in heaven.
“We’ve been staying with Stryker since moving to Benton Falls. I couldn’t stay here knowing you were never going to walk through the clubhouse doors again. Everywhere I went or looked, there were memories of you. Memories I still relive to this day without the constant reminders of you. Still, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get over you and move on from loving you. But you’re not here for me to love anymore. Killian, I have to let you go and learn to live without you. You’re not just out on a run or other club business. You haven’t moved on with another woman still being able to be in Natalia’s life. You are buried beneath this ground I sit on. Or up watching over everyone you love and care about. I don’t even know if I believe in the afterlife. My only hope is you’d be happy with the way I’m raising our daughter.
“Now, Stryker has moved out of his own house because I can’t give him more than my body. I share a home with him, he helps me with Natalia, and I have sex with him, but I can’t seem to open up enough to give him what he truly needs. He wants my heart, my love, and to become a member of my life. I don’t know how to reconcile what he does for the club though. You were a Prospect and got killed. He’s an officer; not just an officer, but the Sergeant at Arms for the club. It’s his job to protect everyone associated with the club. I’m already half in love with the man. He’s been so patient, caring, and kind with me. The way he is with our girl makes him even more dangerous to my heart. I trust him with my life, but I can’t let him in. I can’t give him the missing pieces of me because I gave them to you so long ago. You didn’t give them back to me before leaving.
“Killian, it’s time to let you go. I need to in order to move on with my life and determine if Stryker is the man I believe him to be. I have to let you go in order to look within myself to see if I’m strong enough to be by his side in his life. He’s more than ready to stand with me and give me all the support I need. Even when I don’t let him in, Stryker has been there for me. He’s held me on the days I miss you so bad it’s hard to get out of bed. I’m not sure what I’d do without him by my side. Now, I may have pushed him away for good and there’s nothing I can do about it until I let you go. That’s why I’m here today. I came to say goodbye so I can get back to my life and move on. I will always love you, Killian. You were my first love and will always hold a piece of my heart. I’ll make sure Natalia knows all about you too. She’ll always know what an amazing man you were,” I tell him as tears flow down my face and hit the ground just in front of his stone.
Placing the small motorcycle just in front of the headstone, I finish pulling the dead leaves from the flower pot. Placing them in the pile I’ve been making since getting here, I remain sitting for a minute while tilting my head up to the sun. closing my eyes, I let the sun hit me as a gentle breeze begins to blow over me. Part of me believes it’s Killian letting me know he understands and doesn’t hate me for letting him go now. Another part of me feels as if this is just the wind blowing as it normally does.
Standing up, I make my way back toward my car. I don’t look back at the club’s plot or anything else. Instead, I keep my face forward as I make another decision. Pulling out my phone, I make sure it’s okay for Shadow and Renee to keep Natalia for a while longer. When Renee assures me it’s okay and the kids are playing, and they’ll be getting ready to have lunch in a little bit. Starting my car, I pull out of the cemetery and make my way toward town. It’s time to make a change with my hair at any rate. Anything else will wait until I’m back home.
Parking out front of Darcy’s salon, I get out and make my way inside. No one is here right now as I look around for Darcy.
“I’ll be right there,” Darcy calls out, her voice sounding strained.
“Darcy, it’s Sally. Are you okay?”
“I’m good. Just trying to get this down.”
Walking into the back of her room where her voice is coming from, I find her half on the dryer reaching up to grab something off the shelf there. Before I can help her, she comes crashing down to the floor with a bottle of something in her hand. Racing to her side, I drop down next to her.
“Are you okay?” I question her as she begins laughing.
“Yeah. Just another day in my life,” she answers, still laughing as I help her up.
Darcy brushes her pants off and looks at me. Within seconds, I’m wrapped in Darcy’s arms. She hugs me only the way a mom can give a hug. I take a deep breath to calm my emotions down, so I don’t start crying again. I’ve cried enough today and it’s time for me to pull up my big girl panties so I can figure out what I need to do and what I want in my life.
“I’m glad to see you while you’re here,” she says when she finally pulls back.
“Well, where else would I come to get my hair done?” I ask her, as her eyes widen up.
“What are you looking to get done?”
“I want long layers cut into my hair and it colored platinum and plum. Not in sections thought. I want it to melt together if that makes sense,” I answer her question.
“Absolutely. Go sit at one of the sinks and I’ll be right with you,” she tells me, walking into another section of her shop to grab what’s needed to do my hair.
My hair is done, and the results are stunning. I love the way Darcy has melted the colors together. As I drive back to Shadow and Renee’s house, I let the fresh air fill the car as the radio blares through my speakers. I don’t stop until I pull in the driveway with a decision to return to Benton Falls tomorrow. It’s time for me to figure out exactly what I want in my life. If that’s a life with Stryker, I don’t need to be hiding out here to make a decision. I’ve finally let go of Killian and now it’s time for me to get home to start making moves to get in front of my life. Natalia deserves it more than anyone else. I owe her my life, literally. She is the only reason I got out of bed each and every single day and kept putting one foot in front of the other.
When I walk in the house, everyone is seated at the table in the dining room for dinner. We’re having an early dinner tonight for some reason.
“You look amazing,” Renee tells me, drawing attention to me as everyone turns.
Natalia jumps out of her seat and races to hug me.
“I missed you all day mama,” she says, holding my legs.
“I missed you too baby girl. How were you?”
“I was good. We played and baked cookies. Shadow made us some mores outside,” she answers the way only a little girl who’s excited can.
“Smores sound really good,” I tell her, laughing at her as she pulls me to the table by my hand.
Sitting down, Shadow gets my plate of food from the counter. Tonight, we’re having pork chops with mashed potatoes and peas for dinner. I’m sure the cookies will be our dessert.
“Did you have a good day?” Shadow asks me.
“I did. It was cathartic. Natty, I think we’re gonna head home in the morning,” I tell her, watching to see her reaction.
“Yay! Will Stryker be home mama?” she asks because she has no clue what’s going on.
“No honey. I think he’s been staying at the clubhouse with the guys. We’ll see him soon,” I tell her. “Maybe we can stop at the clubhouse on our way to the house.”
With that seeming to make my daughter happy, I dig into my food Renee and Shadow made for us. The rest of the night I’ll spend with Renee while Shadow’s at the clubhouse at his meeting or whatever he has going on. It’s time for the men so we’re going to hang out with the kids and do something fun with them for our last night here. It’s the way things work in the club and we’re all used to it. I’d be at the clubhouse waiting for the meeting to get done with if I were still a club girl, but I’m not. Now, I have a life in Benton Falls and don’t worry about any man other than Stryker. Well, I used to worry about him. Now, I’m not so sure who he’s using to have sex with. It’s none of my business at this point in time; it’s his and his alone.
Pulling myself from the thoughts swirling in my head, I turn my attention to my friends at the table along with the kids. Natalia always gets my full attention whenever she’s with me. I won’t have her feeling as if I don’t care about her or want her. I know that feeling all too well and it’s not something my daughter will ever know. Not if I’m still breathing and can make sure she knows how loved and cared for she is. That’s always been my main priority.
“Have you talked to Stryker?” Shadow asks me just after we finish dinner, and the kids take off to get changed into their pajamas.
“No. I don’t know what to say to him. Plus, I still have to figure out what I want to say to him and what I want in my life. It’s never just been about Killian and needing to let him go, Shadow. It’s about his role in the club and what he does. I told you this earlier,” I answer him, my voice full of sadness and something else I’m not quite sure what it is.
“I know. But you have to be fair to him. Don’t drag him along any more than you already have been. Be honest with him and let him know what’s in your heart. He’ll either accept it or he won’t. Then you can move on from him or decide to let him in,” Shadow responds, pulling me in for a hug. “I love you and hate to see you go, but I know why you have to. Don’t wait so long between now and your next visit. Plus, you’ll have to come to the clubhouse next time. Everyone’s gonna be pissed they didn’t get to see you.”
“I promise I’ll get to the clubhouse next time. I want to see everyone. I miss them all. I want to see all the kids too.”
“I’ll see you in the mornin’. Don’t stay up too late.”
Renee and the kids get hugs and kisses from Shadow before he leaves the house. for the next few hours, we eat junk food and binge watch movies on one of the streaming channels they have. Natalia passes out before long as I carry her into bed. I use the time to pack our bags with the exception of our outfits for the morning. Honestly, I’ll probably end up letting her wear her pajamas for the trip home if I can’t wake her up. Once I’m done, I pull my baby girl close and hold her until sleep claims me.
