Riley Thorn and the Corpse in the Closet by Lucy Score
30
7:56 a.m., Tuesday, August 18
Riley woke with a crick in her neck and a naked man sprawled face down on the rug next to the fireplace. A quick look at the butt and she identified it as belonging to Nick.
“Ugh,” she groaned. “Wake up and put your shorts back on before—”
Too late.
“Good morning, love birds,” Lily twittered as she sashayed into the room. “Oh, my. You are a lucky girl getting to put your hands on a patootie like that.”
Nick was a night stripper. Meaning if he went to bed wearing clothes, he woke up wearing nothing.
Riley tossed a blanket over his ass and nudged him with her foot. “Rise and shine.”
“Mmph. I had the weirdest dream last night that we were having sex and—”
Lily was hanging on his every word, glassy-eyed with desire…or maybe cataracts. Riley couldn’t tell from this angle.
“Shut up, Nick. It wasn’t a dream, and you’re naked on the parlor floor.”
“Is Lily staring at my ass?” he asked.
“Yep.”
“I brought you two breakfast in bed,” Lily said proudly. She dropped the tray on Mrs. Penny’s cocktail bar. “We have coffee, toast, and eggs.”
“Thanks, Lily,” Riley said, stretching her arms and yawning. The green velour divan was not the most comfortable place to sleep. But the soreness she felt in her nether region had nothing to do with the lumpy furniture.
“I’ll call the roofers,” Nick volunteered, shimmying into his shorts.
“Oh, you don’t need to do that,” Lily said with a dismissive wave. “I have two strapping fellows just raring to get back up there.”
“No,” Riley said.
“Absolutely not,” Nick said at the same time.
“Lily, some jobs are best left to the professionals,” Riley told her landlady.
“They are going to be so disappointed. They were talking about starting their own company, you know.”
Nick stood up and stretched. Lily stared at his bare torso and continued to pour the coffee long after the cup overflowed.
Riley cleared her throat and took the coffee pot from her neighbor.
“Thanks, Lily.”
“It’s my pleasure.” She put a distinctly gross emphasis on the word “pleasure.”
“Who’s ready for breakfast?” Riley yawned when Lily left the room.
Burt’s head popped up from the ancient recliner he’d confiscated last night.
“This body is not meant to sleep on the floor,” Nick groaned.
“Yeah? Well, this body isn’t meant to fall through a roof with a penis inside it.” The more awake she became, the less vague the soreness in her lady part region got.
Nick flashed her the dimples, but she shook her head. “No. It’s too early for charm. Drink your coffee eggs,” she said, handing him the plate of soggy breakfast.
“Why do you get the non-coffee eggs?” he pouted.
“Because my upper body didn’t cast a spell on Lily,” Riley said. She cocked her head to study him. “Are you getting more ripped?”
He seemed somehow bigger and leaner. He’d never been a slouch in the muscles department, but there was definitely something going on with his upper body. Even his tattoos seemed bigger.
As any man would, Nick flexed. “You like what you see?”
“Put the gun show away,” Mrs. Penny grumbled as she stalked into the room. She poked him in the chest with her cane.
“Is that any way to speak to your boss?” Riley asked, taking a bite of toast.
“What’s my assignment today?”
“You’re taking a gun safety class,” Nick told her.
“I don’t need a stinking safety class!”
“You shot out a ceiling last night. And two months ago, you blew out Lily’s bedroom door when you thought Riley was an intruder.”
“She used the code. We were under a Cabbage Casserole,” Mrs. Penny insisted.
“I’ve been thinking—” Fred appeared and seemed to be mid-conversation. He’d gone with his Justin Bieber toupee this morning. “We need a new code word.”
Mrs. Penny’s beady eyes lit up behind her thick prescription lenses. “Good thinking.”
“A code word for what?” Riley asked. “No one’s broken in here in weeks.”
“That’s not a safety record I’d brag about,” Nick pointed out.
“A code word so I don’t come running to investigate a noise with a loaded Beretta,” Mrs. Penny explained.
“We weren’t in any condition to send out a text before you came upstairs and tried to shoot us,” Riley said. But Mrs. Penny and Fred already had their heads together over possible code words.
“Good morning,” Gabe said, appearing in the doorway.
“Are your muscles getting bigger too?” Riley asked, cocking her head.
Lily jumped out from behind Gabe and wrapped her hands around one beefy bicep. “Ooooh! They are!”
“Are you two working out together or something?” Riley asked.
Nick shrugged. “Maybe we did some push-ups or whatever.”
“Nick is very bad at counting repetitions. But he puts forth a reasonable effort to hone his body,” Gabe announced.
“I need more coffee for this,” Riley decided, taking Nick’s plate from him and pouring some into her cup.
“I’ll make more coffee and eggs if someone brings in the packages from the porch,” Lily said, scampering back to the kitchen.
“I’ll get the packages,” Riley said.
She stepped out onto the porch and eyed the stack of deliveries. Between Mrs. Penny, Lily, and Nick, the residents of the house were on a first-name basis with the UPS, FedEx, and Amazon drivers. Lily had also ranked each of the driver’s butts on a scale involving firmness and shape.
It took her two trips to bring everything inside. As expected, most of the packages were addressed to the other residents. But there was a small, square-shaped package with her name on it. The return label said it was from Make Better Choices. “Hey, Burt. I think your organic dog treats from Etsy are here,” she said, bringing the box into the parlor.
The dog rolled out of his chair gracelessly and trotted over to her.
“Organic dog treats?” Nick asked, scratching his bare chest.
“Wander recommended them for his digestive issues.”
“That dog’s farts can strip the paint off a car,” Mrs. Penny observed. She flopped down on the divan and helped herself to Riley’s toast.
The doorbell rang, and Gabe raced to the front door. He returned with a dozen donuts and opened the box. “You do not have power over me, donuts,” he said.
Burt lost interest in organic dog treats and tip-tapped over to Gabe.
“Do not give him any donuts,” Riley warned Gabe.
But the man was busy performing mountain climbers over the open box of pastries with swift exhalations of breath that blew powdered sugar into Burt’s face.
“Leave them,” she told the dog sternly.
Burt pouted and settled for licking the sugar off his muzzle.
Riley grabbed a pair of scissors off the parlor’s writing desk and sliced open the box.
“Who’s ready for a special tr—”
The word was cut off by an explosive pop and a cloud of sparkle.
There was a deadly silence as every color of glitter rained down.
“What the fuck?” Nick choked.
“Oh my God.” Riley coughed as glitter invaded her nose and mouth.
Gabe, still sweating through mountain climbers, was coated in a thick layer of sparkle as if he were some kind of personal training fairy.
“Give me the fucking box,” Nick ordered.
Blindly, Riley felt around until her hands made contact with the box.
“What in the rainbow swirl hell happened in here?” Fred demanded.
“Oooooh! Did we get glitter bombed?” Lily asked from the doorway.
“Am I dead? Is this hell?”
The question came from Mrs. Penny on the divan. Her glasses were obscured by glitter.
“You’re not dead, Mrs. Penny,” Riley assured her.
“How would you know? What if you’re dead too?”
The woman had a point.
Riley coughed again, sending a small cloud of glitter back into the air.
Everything was covered. Walls, ceiling, floor, furniture, dog, donuts.
Nick, glitter clinging to his eyelashes, glared at the box.
“Is it him? Is it the same guy?” she asked, trying to peer over his shoulder.
“I don’t know,” he growled. “But it’s addressed to you.”
She didn’t like his tone of voice. It sounded like he was about ready to murder someone.
“Why? I don’t get it. I’m not an asshole online. Unless there’s some other random connection we haven’t figured out.”
“You were asking questions about online assholes,” he pointed out.
He swiped the glitter off his phone screen and took it and the box out onto the front porch, leaving a trail of glitter behind him.
Riley heard him on the phone. “I need you to get over here now. And bring that guy I hate. Yeah, that one.”
Lily lay down on the floor and swept her arms back and forth. “Look at me! I’m making a glitter angel!”
